[velvet]

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Hello Kirty and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Everton
Well done starting your thread
You are right that having a decent job can mean you have more money to gamble but the biggest danger in your addiction lies in what the gambling does to your heart and mind, not your wallet.
You have done well cancelling your accounts – now make yourself truly accountable for your money.

Have you been to GA? If not then find a meeting and go -– being with fellow CGs will not only help you to feel less alone but will help you be accountable.
What enjoyable hobbies have you abandoned for your addiction? A mind full of gambling thoughts has no time for healthy pursuits, so think of something you would like to do, that your addiction has prevented you from doing and do it. If you imagine your head is full of water representing your addiction you can see that some of that water has to be tipped out to make room for a healthy recovery.
I wouldn’t be writing here if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled. Admitting your addiction is a step in the right direction – have you talked to your family about it?
Please post again – you are among those who understand and will support you for as long as you want them to. Knowledge of your addiction will help you cope. You have made a big step by seeking support on this site and I hope you will use the groups, helpline and forum to your advantage.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi SB
“I’m trying my best to become a better person to break the cycle that has hurt so many over the years, yet my family see it as just another stunt, to win them back, of cos I want them back but because they want to be with me not cos I’m making an effort to change.”

I am posting to you because I love a CG and not because I am a CG in the hope I can support you and encourage you to keep moving forward when you feel unsure.
It is not possible for any of us to ‘know’ when a true recovery starts and when a family has lived with many false starts the barriers that are set up are almost insurmountable and they are meant to be so. It takes a long time for the barriers to go up and it stands to reason that it takes a fair while for them to be taken down, allowing trust to return.
I wouldn’t be writing here if I didn’t ‘know’ that a gambling addiction can be controlled and I am also aware of the tremendous courage it takes to do so – and how long the road seems. However those who love CGs also have to have tremendous courage to recover from living with the addiction and that also takes time. I think most CGs would not take offence when I say a lack of patience is often part of their make-up and believe me when it comes to this addiction, it is so for the loved one too – they want to know that this time it is truly different – but nobody can or should give such an assurance..
Going to see your sons’ martial arts training is terrific – it is a moment in time when they can see their father and know he is there ‘just for them’ – I hope in a way it is not full of questions but is peppered with other things they have been doing. In my opinion, it is not a time to talk about previous behaviour but a time when you focusing on them is all that matters. Above all enjoy it.
Keep posting on here, the more knowledge you get of your addiction the better you will cope.
Yours sons and your wife would be more than welcome in the Friends and Family Forums and groups where they will be understood and supported.
I didn’t want my CG back in my life because he made the effort to change; I wanted him back in my life because he did change. We have a really successful relationship SB but the early months were not easy.
You being killed in a car crash would hurt your loved ones every day of their lives – changing your life and controlling your addiction means a wonderful life for all is possible – for me, as with your sons, faced with such a choice – there was and is no contest.
I wish you well
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi James
The short answer is – don’t try and explain to them anymore.
Many people around CGs find denial easer to live with because to accept means facing hard truths.
Unasked for, unconstructive criticism tells you a great deal more about the person doing the criticising. I don’t like the expression ‘there are two sides to everything’ which always seems to be said by someone wanting to score points in the blame game. If there has to be an assessment of the sides then – your wife is a compulsive gambler and you are not. You know that you have been a good husband and therefore there is no need to justify yourself to your wife’s sister.
I know it is hard James to avoid things like your wife’s sister making her observations but she is not central to your life – that position is occupied by you and your daughter. You will probably have more unhelpful things said before everything is sorted out but provided you remain focussed on that which matters you will do ok.
Just a thought James – you posted this as I was running a group, it would have been good to communicate in real time.
Speak soon

[velvet]

Hi T2C
I know the support is there for you to learn to cope if you want it enough and I for one will be cheering you on from the side lines in cyber space.
Take everything that is on offer, this is a wonderful opportunity for you. Nobody could or should say it is going to be easy but taking one day at a time and with determination, you can achieve your dream.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi James
Anger and the addiction to gamble go hand in hand. An active CG cannot walk away and therefore will always experience loss, leading inevitably toward a feeling of failure, which in turn generates anger. It is possible of course that her mother is angry that you are going through with the divorce but whatever is causing it, there is a lot of anger in the situation and it seems your child is being used as a pawn.
It is good that you are getting support for you, I am sure that is what is helping you to deal more calmly with the chaos around you and long may it continue.
I could not begin to speculate on what is causing your wife to say she wants to give up her child but, while it is so, I am glad that you are making a place of safety for your daughter because she is the saddest outcome of all the problems in your lives.
Breakdowns in relationships where there are children are so difficult James and with your wife’s addiction in the mix it is even harder. Trying to work out whether or not you are being manipulated, or where she is in her addiction, will not help – focus on what is important – and that is you and your child.
You are doing well
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Ell
I do believe that when an ‘if’ becomes as strong as your ‘if’ it is best to talk without accusing and hopefully the ‘if’ will disappear.
I cannot tell you that the ‘if’ will not appear at different times in your life but when it does I think it would be good to re-read your thread and see this ‘if’ post – you will remember what worried you and how well you coped.
Anxiety, stress and terror are not good for you or for your husband – now you have talked I hope you feel calm. Don’t let someone else’s disappointment with their relationship affect you – I know Berber would not want that. Never forget that your story is unique.
Keep going as you are – your husband is doing well and so are you.
V

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Dear B
You have not made a knee-jerk reaction, you have knowledge and you made a decision, it is not for anybody else to judge that decision.
I have been with you through all your ups and downs since you came on this site and have hoped that your husband would change his life in accordance with the teaching of his rehab but he doesn’t appear to be prepared to accept and change. I agree with you that it doesn’t matter if other people think that porn is an addiction, or not, the fact that your husband does, means he is accepting that he is relapsing into behaviour that is unacceptable.
You know better than anyone the problems your husband had growing up with the lack of good support from his parents but he has now been into rehab, seen psychiatrists psychologists, is in 2 GA groups and had your loyal support – I can’t think of anything more you could do.
I could and would never say that I thought it was right for anyone to stay or leave a relationship but I am of the opinion that limits are reached and it is right to acknowledge them and not pretend they do not exist. I would be doing you a disservice if I did not admit that I reached my limit and that if estrangement had not taken place, it is probable that nothing would have changed in my life or my CGs.
This is another painful and difficult time for you B. The future will seem unclear but focus on your health and the happiness of your children and live one day at a time.
I hope we get longer to talk next time but until then I wish you well.
V

[velvet]

Dear B
I have just seen your post and I am even I am even more sorry than I was that we only had a couple of words in the group.
Controlling an addiction isn’t easy and you husband is not making it any easier stopping his medication. I hope he will come clean with his unacceptable behaviour at his GA meeting and come home in a better frame of mind.
I think Ell has made some terrific points, you do appear to be living on top of each other and you need to breathe. Does he tell you what the psychologist and psychiatrist say to him..
Short of telling him you want him to leave and give you a break I can’t think of any ‘polite’ way of getting him out of the house – I know I would feel the same.
I am being called to go but I will write again soon – I just wanted to get something to you after not being able to talk to you enough tonight.
V

[velvet]

Hi San
I know you are not posting but I think you are probably still reading so I wanted you to know you are in my thoughts.
I hope things have continued moving on for you and that you are getting on with your life, as you so rightly say, without the drama in it.
V

[velvet]

Hi Lorraine
Any group is only as good as the people in it and you will be an important part of your group. It is impossible to know how much ‘you’ being in the group will make to the others but with your experience, honest acceptance of your addiction and kind heart I know you will be giving support. Just as you will give so will the others and in the giving and taking, it is my belief, that answers to even insurmountable questions, are found.
Keep going and never mind being called a new face – I wouldn’t mind one most mornings when I wake up and look in the mirror!
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi T2Cs.
Going to GA will not make anyone say you are doing fine and unable to do the programme. I remember that the days before my CG went into to Gordon House he worried about anything that might prevent him joining the programme and they were some of the toughest days but thankfully they did pass.
Our groups are not like GA and you might like their format, I don’t know if you have tried them yet but they are there for you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi T2C
I just popped over to see how you were doing as I don’t know whether you have started the programme yet or not – if not I hope it won’t be long, I know the waiting is tough.
Please tell your mum that nobody will know who she is, that nothing we talk about will appear on the forum and that it really helps to know that someone has been where she is now.
Wishing you both a happier future.
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Ell
First of all I am glad to read that you have good doctors working for you, your wee daughter does not deserve such problems, I wish her well.
Please don’t ever apologise for coming into the forum and saying that your husband is doing well. I do understand your feeling that maybe it is hard for those who are still living in the middle of an active addiction but I believe that it is important for those who struggle to hear that success is possible.
I really do understand what you are saying – our worries always seem to be worse when we lay our heads down at night but I would be more concerned if you had written that you were searching for evidence of wrong doing.
I think it is excellent that you both decide what you will pay and how you will split money – giving him the pin number is superfluous with such a terrific attitude – this, in my opinion, is two people really working a healthy recovery.
I believe that there are many things in life that make us feel less free inside and maybe I am wrong but I think these are ‘our’ experiences and these and the way we cope, are what make us who we are – and you are coping terrifically.
Dear Ell – when you lay down to sleep, think of a happy things that have enriched your life and try not to dwell on the bad, sad time of the addiction.
It has been lovely to see you post again and I love the way you write your feelings down – you make so much sense. I look for you every Tuesday and I sometimes have someone else in the group hoping you will appear – I know you will know who.
I hope you post again soon but until then.

Με αγάπη

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Sheryl
You will be getting stronger even if you don’t feel it. Once understanding comes of what you are dealing with, you begin to put mental barriers in place without realising it and given time they grow. The F&F recovery is very hard – it takes a long time to lose self-esteem and it takes a long time to win it back but you will. I know I am further down the road but the way I cope is to know that I can live with my CG in my life but only if his addiction never hurts me again – and to that end I live with the mantra that ‘I will never live with the addiction to gamble again’ etched indelibly in my brain.
I think every person I have ever spoken to who has lived with the addiction to gamble has ended up thinking that they are the one with issues and in the end I think it is impossible not to have some – but the F&F issues are woven around ‘how’ and ‘why’ and in time can be overcome as the realisation grows that you never stood a chance – you didn’t know what it was that was that was confusing and hurting you because the addiction was thriving on a secret you were never meant to understand; you were and are trusting and caring.
I believe your husband is sorry but at the moment I suspect he is still sorrier that his addiction has been exposed.
I cannot tell you what to do but I think it is good to have notes beside a phone when you are waiting for it to ring and you are not sure of your resistance. Headings that remind you of what you want to say and bigger headings that remind you what you don’t want to say – the words that help his addiction get under your skin. For instance ‘I’m sorry’ is meaningless without positive action that proves sorrow – so perhaps you could say something like ‘call me and tell me you are sorry when you are taking steps to change your life but until then don’t tell me you are sorry. Later on (and only when you are ready), this can be developed into ‘don’t call me unless it is to tell me you are changing your life’. In reply to ‘I can’t handle things’ maybe it could be said that ’you can, I have had to seek support for me and now I know support is there for you if you want it enough’. Control the call and don’t allow the conversation to deviate from that which you have prepared.
Avoid lengthy discussions – his addiction likes wars of words and is a master at manipulation, whereas you are not. A method not recognized professionally but which has helped many cope is to imagine your husband’s addiction as a slavering beast lying beside him on the other end of the phone.
Your husband is controlled by his addiction but you are not. When you threaten his addiction, it comes between you and controls the conversation. Once it is between you, you will only hear that addiction speak and because it only knows lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. When you speak the addiction distorts your words and your husband cannot comprehend your meaning.
My CG explained it to me by saying that all the time when I was telling him (for instance) that if he didn’t lie but lived honestly he would be happy, his addiction was telling him that I was lying because he truly believed that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure – he was lost and fought back the only way be knew because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism. The addiction to gamble only offers failure to those who sadly own it.
I think you feel you are still ‘letting him play you’ because deep down you want to believe that this time he is different. In my opinion it is good, although difficult, not to ‘try’ and believe him because in doing so you become receptive. If you can stand back a bit and listen to what he is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
I hope some of this helps.
Velvet

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