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Hello BD and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

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Hi Ali
When one person tells you something you can choose easily to ignore it, when two tell you the same thing it is maybe time to listen but when you are being given the same message by many, in my opinion, it would be unwise not to take note and action on what you hear, I believe that is what makes this site so great. I am so pleased you have a strong Gamanon family – I am sure you will be a tremendous support to others in your group.
A positive post, well done
V

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Dear Larry
How good to see you post. It is wonderful when we hear that friends are doing well and you are a friend that will never be forgotten by those who knew you.
Of course it is always good to hear thanks but the biggest thank you must go to you Larry because it was you that changed your life, it was you who fought the battle and it is you that gives such joy and hope to all who read your words.
You gave me more than you will ever know and because you wrote almost every day it was a tonic I could look forward to with regularity. I have missed you but knowing that you are enjoying the fruits of your labours means I will have a smile on my face for a long time.
Thank you Larry, the Friends and Family forum was blessed by having you on the site.
Velvet

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Happy Birthday Carol
Velvet

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Hi Nancy
How good it is to see you posting but how sorry I am to read that your husband has been diagnosed with cancer again – I hope to read that he has turned the corner soon.
I can see you in my mind’s eye with your face turned towards the sun and it is so good to know that your thoughts are no longer mixed with urges. It must be emotionally draining for you running a home, caring for your husband and working full-time but through it all you are keeping a sunny disposition – what can I say but well done.
You have come a long way Nancy and you have fought courageously for the peace of mind you are feeling – I am sure your post will spur others on.
It is great to see your name again
Velvet

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Hi Ali
I can see your rock and hard place now – thank you.
Your friend asked you to help him by handling his finances so when he retook control he would have known that you were going to be locked out of the accounts. However, having asked for your support with his finances and knowing that you are aware of his addiction, it seems to me, he knows there is a bombshell waiting to happen – so probably all the time you are hoping he is going to communicate, his addiction is playing for time – chasing his losses, thus leaving him with nothing he is prepared to say.
It is an unfortunate by-product of digging that nasty things surface and having brought them up it seems impossible to bring them into the open. I am not opting out when I say I cannot tell you what to do because in my opinion it depends on what you are prepared for, rather than what you want. His addiction is highly manipulative and it will not like being caught out. Many people have found that if they treat the addiction like an angry beast in the corner of the room, waiting to strike when threatened, they can open communication more easily. Keeping that addiction beast at bay is not easy but once it is between you it is very frightening – everything you say is distorted by it and everything you hear is twisted by it.
My CG told me that as soon as I started to speak to him his addiction would be on full alert so when I told him that I loved him and wanted to support him, his addiction said to him that I was obviously lying because he was a worthless, unlovable failure and I only wanted to undermine him. As a result he fought back with lies and threats because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism, leaving me to retire wounded and confused.
Standing back and listening, as you are doing, makes it easier not to get caught up in an unwanted argument because the addiction has nothing to get its teeth into but of course this does give the addiction freedom to believe it is safe.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that when you remove yourself from the centre of the addiction, you have time and energy to look after you.
Without any judgement Ali, it seems you have been affected too much by the addiction of another and your happiness should not be dependent on the outcome of this dilemma. You have written that you are going alone and enjoying your reprieve but does this mean you feel released?
Speak soon
Velvet

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Hi Ali
I am sorry you couldn’t drop in on my group just after you wrote this post – it would be good to communicate in real time. It is now too late in the evening for me to give your post the considered reply it deserves but I do thank you for explaining the rock and the hard place to which I can now fully relate.
I will reply as soon as possible.
Velvet

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Hi Ali
Playing the detective is incredibly wearing and frustrating and I think most of us who have experienced this method of trying to understand, or discover, have been very glad to stop doing it, as it is not part of who we are – but more a part of what the addiction has turned us into.
What information has put you between a rock and a hard place? Is this a discovery that he has been gambling or is it knowledge of the addiction that you think he does not possess?
What is your friend doing about his addiction? Is he attending GA, seeking counselling or what? It is not enough for you to lend an ear, he has to want to stop gambling enough to turn words into action.
A healthy desire to know about the addiction to gamble is not the same as delving into a friend’s private time and finances and I am concerned that such behaviour will boomerang back painfully. It is my belief that it is important to be completely honest with a CG because returning ‘like for like’ is, I think, counter-productive. When my CG started his gamble-free life the strangest thing for me was to realise that he had to learn to trust me – I had assumed the greatest lack of trust would be mine but it was not so. A CG’s world is full of mistrust, it emanates from them and it surrounds them. To take the leap of faith that is required to live a gamble-free life it is, my opinion, beneficial for the CG to know that that those around them are honest, or how else can they learn?
I hope some of this helps.
Speak soon.
Velvet

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Dear Jenny
I sense in your post a feeling of wasted time and I can only urge you not to think too much about that but to enjoy ‘today’ with 3 gorgeous pains in the backside and new beginnings.
I could never feel badly about anybody who leaves this forum because it brings back sad memories. You have had your fight and you have won, your leaving therefore is part of the success of the site – it has not only served its purpose, it has done well. I see this site and Gamanon as a staging post, an oasis,, a place to stop for a period of time while you regain strength and confidence before moving on to a happier world that is all the better for you having been here..
You have given terrific support to other members and I have benefitted from your insights, intelligence, wit and determination. Now it is time for you to move on and share your gifts with others. I won’t forget you and what you have meant to me, so even while I feel a sense of ‘empty nest syndrome’ I will know it is good and right to feel it.
As ever
V

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Hi Gico
It would appear from your post that your husband is not admitting he has an addiction which would be the first step towards him changing his life. If he has never been to GA, it might be a good idea to have a look at gamblersanonymous.org//20questions click on ‘Enter’ and then ‘20 questions’. Perhaps you could print them off and leave them for him to look at. It might help him to realise that he has a recognisable addiction but that there is help available for him. As your husband is obviously angry with the world perhaps it would be better to leave them where he can see them rather than giving them to him.
It is a sad fact that the addiction to gamble does consume and unless it is treated it gets worse, not better.
I cannot tell you what to do and I will never tell you to go or to stay because that will always be your choice but you are right that unless your husband does change his life then his addiction will continue to damage your relationship.
I am concerned that you write that your husband has been violent when you have refused to enable him and I would urge you to consider protection for yourself. Do you have a Gamanon in your area? It is the sister group to GA (gamblers anonymous) and it is for those who love CGs (compulsive gamblers)
Refusing to enable is not the same as leaving a friend to drown because enablement feeds the addiction and keeps it growing. Knowledge of your husband’s addiction will give you power and help you cope so please post again and possibly join one of our Friends and Family groups – It would be great to communicate in real time.
I do know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled but the CG has to recognise and accept the addiction first.
Well done starting your thread
Speak soon
Velvet

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Hi Ican
When you cannot imagine yourself as gamble-free, take a look in the mirror and tell the person you see that you she is gamble-free – I think you will like the reflection and maybe realise that the person looking back at you is someone very special who needs the confidence to believe in herself. Enjoy your relaxing vacation.
Velvet

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Hi San
Members who come out from the shadow of the addiction usually move on and no longer post which is unfortunate for new members who cannot read the successful outcomes. What I can tell you is that I have known quite a few people who have separated and reconnected and gone on to wonderful lives but I would be doing you a disservice if I did not also say that I have known many people who have not gone on to a future with their compulsive gambler (CG) loved one.
I have found your post to be really enlightened and I commend the way you have handled your situation. You have been brutally honest in recognising that your presence in the life of your loved one was probably/possibly enabling him – I know the pain that comes from such a realisation. In my opinion, those who love CGs cannot help but have the belief, during a very painful experience, that love will conquer all, which makes it unbelievably difficult to walk away.
The loving texts are hard to bear but harder still are the unpleasant ones where blame is heaped on you that you don’t deserve. Understanding why your partner blames everybody, especially you for his pain might help. To protect himself and his addiction he will not, cannot, take responsibility for his behaviour without accepting he is out of control and it appears your partner is not ready to fully accept this yet so he blames you.
When you say his mother is the infinite enabler, I take it that you are not able to talk to her in a way she will understand or want to understand. Unfortunately if she is in denial of her son’s problem, she is not helping him but unless you can persuade her to seek support and knowledge for herself there is little you can do. It is sad but while your partner is behaving as he is, he is not your best friend and it is best, I think, to view anything he says with suspicion, including any supposed guilt or stress over the debts he is running up, certainly with his mother. I learned from my CG, after he had taken control of his addiction that any thought I had about him feeling guilty about me, while he was actively gambling, was just me hoping for a glimmer of care and had no basis in fact.
I wouldn’t be here writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled but the only person who can take that control is the CG.
It would be good to talk to you in a group San – my group tomorrow is 22.00 -2300 hours UK time which I think is 5pm where you are.
Well done starting your thread
Speak soon
Velvet

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Hello San27

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

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Hi Jack
‘If you had lost $18000 dollars you would want to stop and because you didn’t you are feeling it has the opposite effect’ is a massive excuse Jack and it doesn’t hold up to scrutiny.
If you analyse enough you will eventually come up with the answer your addiction wants to hear but that is not the right answer for the person that is you. You are not missing out on winning money because you will only lose it anyway but when you deny your addiction you lay down the foundation for winning the biggest prize of all – a life with you in control.
You feel bad today but nobody has ever said that controlling your addiction was going to be easy.
Keep climbing out of the abyss Jack and don’t look back on what might have been.
I echo Sad’s plea ‘please stop today’.
Velvet

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Hi Kirty
Already you are describing the way many CGs fall into the ever open, deceptively welcoming, arms of an addiction that you neither asked for nor wanted.
You are now in a genuinely welcoming, understanding, judgement free forum.
Well done starting your thread – I will look for your return and the rest of your story.
Velvet

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