Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Jilly
I can’t tell you how good it was to read your post.
As you so rightly stated you ‘stood up for yourself’ and you ‘stood on your own two feet’. Nobody did it, or is doing it, for you Jilly – you retook control of your life and laid the foundation on which to build your future. The door was ajar and you kicked it open – well done.
As a woman in her 50s you have a lot of life ahead of you and with good friends and a loving family you will flourish.
However, flourishing does take patience – your recovery will be a long one and sometimes it will seem very tough. You have trodden one of the most difficult paths so please continue taking support whenever and wherever you can. Your children will struggle and with that will come emotional demands on you. I cannot tell you what to do but I believe that protecting something that was wrong is not fair on them or you; I also know that the cover-ups of another’s past actions can come back and hit you and I know how painful this is. It is so hard that while you are taking your first breaths of recovery they are too and not everything drops into its correct place easily. Keep talking Jilly – you know where I am.
I appreciate the bluntness of Twilight’s post and believe the danger in her words is more real for you than for many. I would be doing you a disserve if I said that I was not concerned that you were maintaining a reasonable amicable relationship with your husband because reason has never been part of his make-up, either with his gambling addiction or other areas of his life. If ever you are feeling doubtful Jilly, re-read your posts and keep your health and sanity at the forefront of your life.
Monique is right – forget what might have been – this has been your experience, unique to you and is therefore the experience on which you will build your future – nobody can judge you and if they try then the fault will lie with them. My CG, in control of his addiction, has been able to tell me that because I tried to do everything right I did everything wrong and he was ‘not’ criticising me – it was a fact. Just like me Jilly you tried so hard to do everything right and it was manna to the addiction but how could you possibly have known? You have been a good wife when a bad one would have coped better – I know which I prefer.
You wrote that you would help anybody if you could and I can assure you that you have done that by writing this post. You said that you thought you would say to a partner of someone with an addiction that they should run – I don’t think that is a popular or unpopular thing to say here. The outcomes from this addiction do vary as the posts of many F&F members reflect. Your post reflects your experience and is (and will remain) an important part of the tapestry of this site.
I do appreciate your thanks but – and it is a massive but – you changed your life Jilly. My input was that I knew you could when you doubted it, so mine was the easier part.
Speak soon
As Ever
VHi Hitman
In your penultimate paragraph you accept you are a compulsive gambler and that you cannot gamble responsibly – that knowledge of yourself could be the difference between losing your family, your friends and your life savings and saving yourself.
It makes no difference whether you have been active in your addiction for 10 months or 10 years, you can control your addiction – if that wasn’t true I wouldn’t be writing this to you now.
You are aware that thinking about the way your mind works is important, you are trying to understand your triggers. Understanding is the first step to acceptance and only with acceptance can there be a recovery.
I hope you speak soon
VelvetHi C
Controlling your addiction is probably the hardest thing you will ever do so I would suggest that you use every support possible.
It takes courage to control the addiction to gamble so pluck up a bucketful, take a deep breath and go to your GA – there will not be a single member who hasn’t felt as you do now.
Working through a slip can make your stronger – take this experience and the feelings you have now and turn them to good use – and when you come home, come back on the forum and tell us how it went.
Velvet
You may never know what results come from your actions but if you do nothing there will be no results. – Mahatma Gandhi<
Hello Mclewlowand thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties youre currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if youre new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. Were in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like youre not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
And on that note….
Im going to hand you over to our community because Im sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
<
Hello Hitmanlam and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties youre currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if youre new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. Were in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like youre not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
And on that note….
Im going to hand you over to our community because Im sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Dadda
Encouraging a son to be a man or a daughter to be a woman does not mean that the addiction to gamble will not figure in that person’s life although I agree that babying peoples as they develop is not good. I cannot answer for your ex MIL but I do know that she did not ask for or want her son’s addiction and it would have caused her terrible pain resulting possibly in her own erratic, poor, behaviour – I cannot judge her.
I do know CGs put on shows to protect themselves just as those around them put on masks to protect themselves from feelings of shame and confusion. I am sorry your therapist left you feeling that you were expected to make up for the inadequacies in your relationship – that was not deserved. You were in a no-win situation and you in your turn had neither asked for nor wanted the addiction in your life.
‘If’ you feel you are hated then it is because of ignorance and ignorance of this addiction is world-wide. I know only too well the wall you have come up against – it is a wall that is recognised on this forum by every person who has loved a CG and I think it is good to speak out, whenever we can, to reach a wider audience.
It didn’t take fortitude to read your post – sadly your words were only too familiar. I fully understand you find it hard to see compulsive gambling as an illness – you are angry and you have a right to be. However, with understanding I think that most members who have passed through this forum and groups have come out stronger people. If we allow the addiction to ruin our lives once we have knowledge of it then the addiction, in my view, has won.
It is common for people to start a new thread after a major change, although many people stay with the same one so they can look back on their journey as a diary and see how far they have come. There is never anything to forgive on this forum – you are doing all that needs to be done. Keep posting and using your ability to articulate on behalf of those who have found themselves in the eye of the addiction storm.
Velvet<
Hello C and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties youre currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if youre new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. Were in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like youre not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
And on that note….
Im going to hand you over to our community because Im sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Donutd
When I didn’t ‘know’ anything about gambling addiction I had no idea what it was that was affecting my life so I couldn’t help myself or support my CG, as a result I spent 25 years doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons.
Once of the hardest things I had to accept, along with every CG and F&F member on this site, is that there is no cure for what is hurting my loved one. What helped me to accept was a person in Gamanon whose husband was a CG who had changed his life when they had both hit a terrible rock bottom.
I think that just like CGs who learn so much from each other, those who love CGs find the greatest support from those who understand what it is like to live with an addiction that they do not own and over which they have no control.
I cannot tell you what to do but I don’t think that hearing that there is no cure for the addiction is the first thing your wife should hear.
Here on the site we have a Friend and Family forum and an F&F group whose discussions do not appear on the forum. Your wife would be welcome on the forum and in the groups where she could learn, without any judgement and at a pace that is right for her, about your addiction.
I believe it would help her to talk to those who understand that you cannot just turn things off but also to tell her that there are ways to cope and that there is always hope. I wouldn’t be writing to you now if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and that a wonderful life is possible even though there is no cure.
I love a CG Donutd, I accept he cannot be cured, I accept that I can never save him but I know how to live without fear. I know that in the end, through understanding, I have given the right support for the right reasons and I believe that my understanding support has helped him.
I wish you well in whatever you decide to do
Velvet
