[velvet]

Jeg har bragt dette op til Tractored, men jeg håber, det også hjælper andre til at indse, at de ikke er alene – der er ingen dom på dette websted

[velvet]

Aš tai iškėliau „Tractored“, bet tikiuosi, kad tai padės ir kitiems suprasti, kad jie nėra vieni – šioje svetainėje nėra jokio sprendimo

[velvet]

Το ανέφερα για το Tractored, αλλά ελπίζω ότι θα βοηθήσει και άλλους να συνειδητοποιήσουν ότι δεν είναι μόνοι – δεν υπάρχει κρίση σε αυτόν τον ιστότοπο

[velvet]

Jeg har tatt dette opp for Tractored, men jeg håper det også hjelper andre til å innse at de ikke er alene – det er ingen dom på dette nettstedet

[velvet]

I have brought this up for Tractored but I hope it also helps others to realise that they are not alone – there is no judgement on this site

[velvet]

J'ai évoqué cela pour Tractored mais j'espère que cela aidera aussi les autres à se rendre compte qu'ils ne sont pas seuls – il n'y a pas de jugement sur ce site

[velvet]

میں نے اسے ٹریکٹر کے لیے لایا ہے لیکن مجھے امید ہے کہ اس سے دوسروں کو یہ سمجھنے میں بھی مدد ملے گی کہ وہ اکیلے نہیں ہیں – اس سائٹ پر کوئی فیصلہ نہیں ہے

[velvet]

Hi Tractored
As Worriedmama has written – please start your own thread. Every member has an unique story and every post is dealt with individually – It isn’t fair of me to use the thread of another to support you as I would like. Scroll to the bottom of the Friends and Family forum page, click on ‘New Topic, write your post in the square and give yourself a thread title, scroll down and click on ‘Save’.
Sharing your worries and fears can be very therapeutic and there is always someone listening on this site. There are many things I would like to say to you so I do hope you will perhaps pop in to the Friends and Family group on Tuesdays between 8pm and 9pm and/or start you own thread so that others may support you..
I am going to bring up my thread ‘the F&F Cycle’ for you to read and hopefully realise that you are no longer alone.
You cannot save your son but you can make a difference, by starting your own thread we can help you understand the addiction and how you can best move on .

To start your own thread Tractored please have a look at this video http://youtu.be/Yc0s92e1S88

Hoping to hear from you soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Atompki
I am so pleased that you have had the courage to post in this forum.
I wouldn’t be on this site if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and fantastic lives lived as a result. It takes enormous courage and dedication to control the addiction which, sadly, you have no control over, however, the right support can make a tremendous difference to the CG who wants to change his/her life.
Please put all guilty feelings firmly behind you – you divorced a man who was unreliable, who was lying to you, who was not accepting his addiction and who had the potential to bring you down lower than you can imagine. As the addiction is progressive, unless treated, you were right to fear that he would cross the line. You made an informed decision that must have been very difficult for you, a decision that many, many ‘good’ wives have taken.
It is impossible to know when a true recovery starts and as it is very early days for your ex-husband; your confusion is totally understandable. I think it is ok to be cautiously optimistic but it is equally important not to give way to false hope. Your words ‘his conversation and accountability is different than it’s ever been. Not just a bunch of excuses and rationalizations’ are indeed hopeful but as it will have taken him a long time to become overwhelmed by his addiction, it stands to reason that it will take him a long time to climb out of the abyss in which he has found himself.
I cannot tell you what to do because all decisions must be yours but I hope to give you enough knowledge so that you can make the right decisions for yourself when ‘you’ are ready. It is so important that you look after yourself at this time, whether your ex-husband is truly attempting a recovery or not – do things that please you, pick up with old friends that maybe got put to one side as a result of living with the addiction, revive interests and hobbies, built up your strength and self-esteem which will have taken a battering – realize how important ‘you’ are – it is the best thing you can do for both of you. Living with the addiction will have consumed your thoughts for 24 hours every day so allow your mind time to enjoy the peace that comes from not living in the addiction’s shadow. Build your self-confidence so that when you come to make big decisions about your future you are sure of yourself and what you really want.
If your ex-husband is truly embracing recovery he will value the fact that you are caring for yourself because he will not have the energy to care for you. Controlling the addiction will take selfishness while he fights his demons because only he can save himself
It would be good to ‘meet’ you in the F&F only group on Tuesdays 20.00 -21.00 UK time but whatever happens please keep posting. Well done on your first post.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Ems
While your partner is getting support it can be very lonely waiting and not knowing and probably thinking ‘where is my support?’ Your support is here Ems and it will be here for as long as you want it.
When my loved one went through the programme I would telephone Gordon House (Now Gordon Moody) once a week for peace of mind – just to know he was still there and ok – they could tell me no more than that but it was enough. It isn’t possible for the support workers to spare the time to support the loved ones at home – they are doing the job at which they excel and that is why the programme is so successful.
I cannot tell you what to do but I hope to help you understand why looking after you is so important. Your partner needs to be selfish in his desire to change his life – he cannot sit still and he cannot afford to worry about those who love him. This is ‘your’ time to be selfish to do the things that you enjoyed before the addiction came into your life – to see friends, to enjoy pastimes and hobbies, so that when he comes home he can see that you have managed, that you are strong and a rock on which he can depend.
Stick with us Ems and gain strength and knowledge – your partner will need you to support him when he comes home. I spent 25 years doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons – there is much to learn. I do believe that the experience you will have been through with your partner’s addiction and the experience of him going through rehab can be life-changing for you as well as him. The greatest revenge on the addiction to gamble is to turn the bad experience into something good.
I am going away for the weekend but I wanted to get a post out to you before I went because I know the weekends can be so difficult. Please try and put yourself first, just as your partner has to do – believe me, it works Ems.
On Tuesday evening I have a Friends and Family only group between 8pm and 9pm and it would be great if you could join it – nothing said in the group appears on the forum – everything said is confidential.
I realise I haven’t told you much about what it is like in rehab and I have no more time tonight but suffice it to say your partner can regain his life as a result of going through the programme but it takes courage and dedication. In my opinion those who love CGs (compulsive gamblers) who go rehab need to have courage and determination too.
Well done writing your first post – it is always the hardest.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

As promised – This is a post written by a CG in response to another CG who was asking if recovery can be achieved without support.

“Great question and one that’s been asked so many times. I couldn’t have given up without help.

The question is asked can I stop alone? I can’t say 100% ‘no’ recovery can’t be gained without help

1. I’ve not met every gambler, but as yet I’ve not met a true CG whose found recovery without help

2. Not every Gambler is compulsive, they may just have used gambling recreationally and it has run away with them for a short while, but we have to remember that this addiction is progressive. If you ask any CG, who has accepted recovery, when it was they went from recreational to problematic to compulsive I doubt they could answer

A compulsive gambler in denial will be asking and answering their own distorted questions with their own distorted answers, the perpetual cycle will continue until someone can challenge what you’re saying and thinking. This then brings up the next question “when does a CG know that they are thinking in a distorted way”. The answer in my opinion is to talk to people who are living without distorted thoughts such as other CG’s in recovery who have almost definitely done this and know they can’t trust their own thoughts, this can be done at GA, GT, CBT, Counselling etc or any other support group… trying to find recovery alone will remove this option and that in my opinion is the biggest reason a CG cannot find recovery alone.

Then my last question is “why would we want to find recovery alone”? The answer is normally “I’m Ashamed” or in some instances the truth is a CG knows the above and hasn’t quite got to the point yet of accepting the reality of his or her addiction”

As an addendum – I also have never heard of a CG who has controlled their addiction without support.

Hope this helps

Speak soon

V

[velvet]

Hi Debbie
I am so very pleased to hear you are happy with Bill, your daughter, your granddaughter and your work – life sounds really good and you deserve it to be so but it could all fall away if you keep testing your addiction – you are a CG and the risk is too great. I am glad the work move is taking you further from the casino but surely it would be better to self-ban.
I always want to read when I see your posts that everything is going great – please take care of yourself – I have missed you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi SB
I wondered what you meant by the ‘other side’ in your post’s title – I am guessing that it is perhaps someone who has been affected by a loved one with the addiction to gamble.
It is impossible to know how relationships will go on when the addiction has been hurting everybody – including the CG. There is an enormous amount of patience required on both sides – as I wrote before it is only actions and time that can really bring about healthy relationships.
Your sons will probably be pleased that Dad is willing to buy them things – are they pre-teen or teenagers? As you and Vera rightly point out though, buying things does not buy love.
I really do understand how hard it must be to be aware that another man ‘appears’ to be taking over but from all the experiences I have ever had a child wants his Dad first if it is possible. You want it to be possible so please try and give them time and obviously never forget birthdays and Christmases – a letter, card or call being far more important than a present. I suggest keeping a journal of all the efforts that you make – it will help if legal representation is required in the future.
How are your children making you aware they don’t want to talk to you? Is it coming directly from them or from your wife – once again their ages will (and do) make a difference? I am with Vera too, that some separated mums do want their children to not want their Dad and unfortunately she does have a reason to get her teeth into.
Don’t gamble SB – remove the obvious ‘reason/excuse’ for her to keep your children from you, stay focussed on your recovery, without your addiction clouding your brain you will be the man your children would want you to be.
I hope we hear from you soon. Vera made some excellent suggestions and it would be good to hear if you have followed any of them through and the subsequent results.
I am hoping that Twilight, from F&F, will pick up on you post – as a child of a CG she makes so much sense.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Kathryn
You are still a perfect example of someone working recovery and that is not putting you on a pedestal – it is a fact.
I am not surprised that you felt proud of yourself – you have been a guiding light to so many and what is more – you still are. I have never found you mighty – I have found you to be honest and brave, both of which will help you rise up from this saddest of places you find yourself in.
Kathryn you have a big occasion in front of you – your beautiful daughter is getting married and she needs her mum – not a paragon of virtue but a loving, caring mum who has overcome one of the greatest challenges life can offer – a mum to lean on when life gets tough.
If ‘you’ were thinking you were on a pedestal then that is a trigger you can now recognise and avoid at all costs – it has been a salutary lesson, one you have learned in the hardest possible way.
Please don’t let this slip affect the life you have built around you – you are in a better place now than you have been for a long time. Use this site as the place to vent leaving you able to enjoy your daughter’s wedding, the job you love, cycling with Harry and all the other things in your life that are so important to your welfare.
I look forward to hearing you have signed the exclusion and that you are firmly back in the driving seat again.
I know you can live gamble-free – ‘Believe’
As Ever
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi James
Two things stand out in your post for me – one is that you are living free and happy and the other is that youI don’t blame your wife for making your life miserable any more.
It is my belief that to truly move on in freedom and with happiness, it is important to leave blame and guilt behind. You have obviously worked so hard on yourself – the only person you could change – and what an amazing job you have done.
Your post reflects a man in control of his own life and what’s more – he knows it – your daughter will benefit from having such a terrific role model in her Dad. I wish you both well.
I am sure other who read your post in the future will gain from your words. I am glad you took the time to return and write such a positive message.
Thank you
Velvet

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