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Hi Jansdad
Just a thought – if your wife ‘knew’ that you were struggling in the evening and late at night she could support you. Loved ones can be very difficult when they are blinded by ignorance – when they are kept in the dark how can they know how to behave? .
Your wife is affected by what you do and who you are but because she is in unaware she cannot ‘choose’ to support you and thereby support herself also. Are you afraid that, if you tell her, the door you are holding slightly ajar will be closed?
I wish you health and happiness in 2015 and I look forward to you closing the stable door to keep the horse safe from bolting.
Velvet

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Hello There Frozen
As usual a greeting that tells us very little about whether you are locked in ice, a melted puddle, a pile of coats, sweaters and blankets OR someone who is living out of the shadow of his addiction.
As a far too infrequent, but always welcome visitor – tell me Frozen, how are ‘you’ – you do know what I mean?
Velvet – +10c here – mmmmmm

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Dear kpat
It is impossible for a non-CG to really understand how you feel – I think your husband is still learning how to cope and he will say the wrong things sometimes because that’s what we do! I spent 25 years saying and doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons, we need guidance and support too and we don’t always know where to find it. When my CG determined to control his addiction, I asked him to help me so that I wouldn’t put my great foot in it and it was one of the best things I ever did. Keep communication open with your husband, letting him know what does and does not help.
I think you did win when the scratch card caused you to feel terrible, you had a slip and fortunately it hurt which hopefully will make you more determined.
Consumerism is trying to hijack Christmas and sadly many thousands of families will feel the misery of debt – on top of that those who would encourage you to give in to your addiction will be doing their damndest to relieve you of any money and hope you have. Having read all your thread tonight I know that you are aware of the true meaning of Christmas – love is more important than any present and that includes loving yourself. You described a wonderful day in Orlando earlier in your thread, hang in there kpat because there are many, many more wonderful days to be had in control of your addiction.
I think this is a particularly tough time for a CG so keep posting, I know it takes tremendous courage to control your addiction but I know you can do it.
Thinking about you at this special time
Velvet

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Hi Jansdad
I cannot tell you what to do but I can tell you is what it is like to hear that a CG loved one has gambled.

When I was eventually told it was hell on earth BUT with understanding and support from those who understood ‘my’ position I learned to cope. My CG could not give me that understanding anymore than I could understand him at that time.

It is my belief that many CGs labour under the misapprehension that they have kept their secret safe. I didn’t know it was a gambling addiction that was damaging my relationship but I did know that my CG was one of the unhappiest people I knew – and that hurt me.

It was in Gamanon that I found my salvation. It learned that although I couldn’t save him I could make a difference to me and ultimately to him. It was seeing the effort he made to overcome his addiction that made all the difference to both of us.

You are trying to change your life and I can hear that in your posts – I believe the more support you get the greater your hope of success will be. On this site we have the Friends and Family forum and I also facilitate the Friends and Family group. If you do brave the storm, which I think you will agree would be an understandable reaction on your wife’s part, maybe you could ask her to come on our forum or go into the closed F&F group where I would be delighted to welcome and support her.

Your post implies that your wife knows you have a problem and has stood by you before and maybe this is why you feel she would not do it again but it is my belief that those of us who love CGs cope better knowing the full truth about the addiction rather than hearing explanations from our loved ones that we cannot comprehend.

I know that you neither asked for your addiction nor wanted it, nor deserved it but does your wife know that? F&F take the pain that the addiction inflicts on them personally – they think they have failed. I know it is not personal, I know I did not fail and that knowledge has helped me.

In my opinion, it is essential that the CG is supported in changing their life but the non-CG cannot know this unless they are in the picture. My CG has changed his life so I know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled but I also know that there is no cure. I therefore live with knowledge of the addiction but it doesn’t dictate my happiness anymore.

Whatever you decide to do I hope you will keep posting. Forget a tap on the shoulder, I am thumping you on yours – a wonderful gamble-free life awaits you if you grab it with both hands and don’t let go.

I wish you well

Velvet

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Hello Ula

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

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Hi Dylan
Well done joining our forum. Knowledge of your father’s addiction will hopefully help you to cope so that you can make informed decisions that are right for both you and your father.
The addiction to gamble is not about winning money to buy things, or for saving for a rainy day. The ‘gamble’ itself is all important and it is the gamble that disturbs the mind of the CG (compulsive gambler) and wrecks the lives of those who love them.
Your father did not want, (or ask for) his addiction, any more than you, or the rest of your family – but it has wrought considerable wreckage over the years and sadly has the ability to cause even more destruction unless treated. It is an addiction that brings failure to its owner because the CG cannot walk away until all is lost resulting in misery and depression.
Does your father acknowledge he has a problem?
I hear and understand that because of his age and health issues you are unwilling to come down hard on your father’s addiction but sadly, without treatment, it will worsen. Putting groceries into his kitchen and paying car repair bills direct to the garage mechanic is good but giving cash to a CG is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic. By ‘lending’ money to your father, you have been unwittingly feeding his addiction which has a voracious appetite.
I don’t know if your father has ever sought help but if he hasn’t, maybe it would be a good idea to use your search engine to find ‘GA – 20 Questions’, perhaps you could print them off and suggest he reads them. Many CGs do not appreciate that their addiction is recognised and that there is help available for them but they do need to accept they have a problem if they want to change.
Your father is indeed lucky to have a caring son like you but it would be unwise to think that his addiction will not encroach further on your life – it has the capacity to bring down all those around it.
I will leave my first post to you there and await your reply. Please ask any questions you may have and I will answer you as best I can. I have a live group on Tuesdays between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time where we could communicate in real time, nothing that is said in that group appears on the forum and you would be very welcome.
I would not be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result – it is never too late.
Velvet

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Hi GG
Well done writing your post, I know it would not have been easy.
I know that what I am about to say doesn’t change anything overnight but I do know that it works. The best thing you can do for you and your mom is to put ‘you’ first. You are not responsible for your mom or her addiction; you cannot save her from herself; the only person you can save is you and you deserve not to live in the shadow of her addiction. It all sounds so easy but I know how difficult it is – she has raised you, you feel you owe her a duty of care because she is your mom.
I felt responsible when the addiction was close to me. It was so hard to begin to understand that I could not change my CG (compulsive gambler). I believed for 25 years that my love would conquer all and as a result I spent 25 years doing everything wrong for all the right reasons. It was so hard to put me first when I had spent my life putting my CG first. In my head I argued that this would not/could not change anything but in fact it changed everything.
I can’t address all your points in this first post but I wanted to let you know that you had been heard and that you are among those who understand you.
It is hard not to get in to an argument with someone who has this addiction which is the master of manipulation. The following is not professionally recognised as a method of coping but I know from personal experience and the experiences of many others that it does work.
Never forget that it is your mom who is controlled by the addiction to gamble but ‘you’ are not. Her addiction is a merciless master of threats and manipulation but you are not and nor do you ever want to be. Imagine your mom’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool it will stay quiet but when it feels threatened it leaps from the corner, to stand between you, causing and controlling an argument that is scarey. Once it is active you will only hear the addiction speak and it will seek to blame and demoralize you. When ‘you’ speak, on the other hand, the addiction changes the reality of what you are saying to fit your mother’s perception of herself and that is what she hears.
My CG said that he couldn’t believe me when I told him he would live more happily if he lived honestly because his addiction was distorting his mind and convincing him that my words were lies, that I didn’t really love him, that I couldn’t possibly know or care what he felt. The addiction to gamble offers failure to those who own it. CGs believe they are unlovable, worthless failures who fight back in every way possible because they don’t have any other coping mechanism than to escape into a gamble.
If you can stand back a bit and listen to what your mom is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you.
By looking after you first you will become stronger, you will reclaim your own life and be able to cope and make the right decisions for your relationship. One of the best ways to win the fight against the addiction is not to play the game.
I have a Friends and Family group on Tuesdays between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time. Although I cannot tell you what to do – because all decisions you make have to be ‘yours’, I will answer your questions honestly – It will be great to ‘meet’ you in real time.
If anything I say confuses you or if you want to ask anything else please post again soon.
Velvet

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<

Hello Jansdad and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

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Hi SJ
You have given ‘fear’ a shape and a smell but what is the opposite of fear? What does that look and smell like ?
Your positive post brightened my day – thank you.
Velvet

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Hi Soph
It is the old chicken and egg question – what came first, the addiction to gamble or the depression. What I do know is that many CGs become depressed as a result of their addiction.
It is good that your bf is acknowledging he has a problem with gambling – I hope by now he has successfully self-banned from the casinos he had been visiting. Words are easy but actions are imperative if he is to control his addiction.
In my opinion he would be better telling his friends he has a problem. Your bf has a recognised addiction that he neither asked for nor wanted so there is no shame to be had; especially now he is determining to fight it. Encouraging a CG to go to the casino, or giving a CG money, is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic but his friends will not appreciate this if they are kept in the dark.
The best advice I can give you is that you do not enable his addiction by clearing any debts he may have incurred or giving him any money. Looking after ‘you’ is so important because when he takes his leap of faith into recovery the more wreckage there is from his addiction the harder it will be for him to face his demons.
I hope you will post again and tell us how you are progressing but in the meantime, I wish you well.
Velvet

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Hi Soph
As I am sure you are aware, alcohol lowers resistance and so together with your boyfriend’s addiction to gamble you are seeing a cycle of poor behaviour with a bad reaction coming from the bad action. I have brought up my thread entitled the F&F Cycle which I hope will help you recognise that what you have experienced is understood. The CG (compulsive gambler) is caught in a never ending cycle of events which requires courage and determination to stop -and the same applies to those who love them
You have done well not shouting at your bf when he returns because shouting, pleading, crying only wears you out and has no effect on his addiction. However you are anxious and on edge the whole time he is out and that is not doing you any good at all – anxiety will take away your self-confidence and self-esteem.
I know that the following suggestion sounds weak in the face of what you are going through but for those of us who love CGs it is the best thing we can do and that is to look after ourselves. The CG addiction is selfish and if your bf determines to change his life, his recovery will be selfish too so unless you determine to be selfish with your life – you could easily become lost in his addiction. Keep up with your friends, don’t hide away, do the things that please ‘you’, the things that maybe you have stopped doing because of worrying about your bf’s addiction such as hobbies and sports. While your bf gambles he has no thought of anything but the gamble so he is not taking any responsibility for your relationship, so looking after you comes down to you. We cannot save the CG we love – we can only save ourselves.
There is a Friends and Family group today between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time – it would be great to talk to you in real time – nothing that is said appears on the forum.
I know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled which is why I write in this forum. Keep posting – it is therapeutic to write and you will always be heard.
Velvet

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Para Soph

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För Soph

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