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Hi GG
It is really hard for someone who comes from an addiction free environment to understand it. If the addiction to gamble had not entered our lives without invitation, I doubt many of us would have been aware of it, or understood what it is like to live with it, either.
I think it is good that your boyfriend is talking about his concerns because it means the subject is out into the open – far better than ignoring something that ‘could’ affect you both if you haven’t dealt with it. I appreciate that he leaves you feeling worse sometimes – I know what it is like to hear unhelpful comments.
I have my thinking cap on to properly consider the question you have asked about how to talk to your boyfriend and I will write again soon.
Keep posting and ask anything you want to know
VelvetHi GG
It is common that when a CG gets close to entering recovery that they act out in varying degrees. They are afraid to face the future without their addiction which they believe is of paramount importance to their well-being. I liken it to the loss of a best friend – the person you had confided in, loved and trusted more than anybody else. All your friends and family had told you that the friend was no good but it is hard for you to accept, especially during the break-up, when all you can remember is what you believe were the good times.
Your mum is facing a void in her life that she doesn’t yet know how to fill. Her counsellor cannot make your mum stop gambling but she should supply your mum with the tools to face her addiction, so that she can change herself.
Listening is an important support you can give your mum. Telling her you are there for her in her battle but letting her know that you are strong is good. The thing that struck me most when my CG entered his gamble-free life was that he had to learn to trust me. I was there to be absolutely honest but not judgmental. I was there to have compassion but not softness. I was there to give an ear but not enablement.
I would be delighted to meet you in the Friends and Family group on Tuesdays 20.00-21.00 hour UK time.
This will be a difficult time for you, never give up hope but keep your expectations quiet and avoid arguments that achieve nothing but loss of energy. Functional relationships do not come overnight following the experience you have had. You will probably feel impatient for change but your mum will have a greater impatience – you can both only take one day at a time (ODAAT).
Keep posting – you are doing well
VelvetI see nothing ‘very small’ about not engaging in gambling over the past week.
Thanks for the update – please don’t wait another year before we hear again – the moral support is always here.
We can only change ourselves whoever we are but I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t know you could – and if I hadn’t.
VHi Dadda
I feel, having read your posts and replies to others that you are holding a lot of anger and I am concerned that living with so much pain is neither healthy nor necessary. I appreciate you have done nothing wrong but you are obviously struggling with the outcome of a traumatic divorce. I am sorry to read that you have found your therapy an exercise in futility and would suggest you change your therapist as counsellors do vary and finding the right one is so important – perhaps it is time for you to decide what serves you and what you should let go.
Researching too deeply into a subject without proper direction can lead the unwitting into a mire of misunderstanding and in my experience doesn’t help those who love CGs one jot. I have not found ‘intentional’ malice to be a tool of the CG and suggesting different personality disorders doesn’t help.
You have not been talking to yourself, I have read every post you have written but most of the problems you have described do not come within the remit of this site and as such it is impossible for me (or any member) to comment on the fairness, or otherwise, of US divorce laws or court orders, nor can I comment on your PTSD apart from reiterating that looking after oneself is the most important thing you can do.
I would urge you to seek counselling from those who are properly able to advise you and who can support you as you deserve.
I wish you well
VelvetDear Ican
The days may be adding up slowly but the fact they are adding up sure sounds good to me. Perhaps it is time now to forget to count and just enjoy the feeling of being gamble-free.
I know I have said it before but I know Ucan Ican and Uare.
The meditation sounds wonderful
I wish you health and peace of mind
VelvetDear Kathryn
I hope you have a wonderful New Year
As Ever
VHi Kpat
I just popped over to see how you were doing and to wish you a Happy New Year.
Losing resolve is one thing and acting on it is quite another. You are recovering your desire to control your addiction and that is retaking your resolve.
I hope that buying scratch cards again, a few days after you had bought some indicates to you how much you need to be on your guard in these early days.
I would argue, having read your thread that you do have determination. Patience is harder and I am aware of how much patience you need BUT the reward for your patience will be great. One day at a time is all you have to worry about – be patient for one day and believe me one day you will be strong – if it wasn’t true I wouldn’t be here.
Your dad, son and husband sound great supports. I would suggest that you tell your husband that buying scratch cards is not good for you. He possibly felt a little gamble was a reward for him standing up to you earlier – those of us who love CGs need to learn what is good and what is not if we are to give the support you need.
Hope the slippers keep you warm and safe in 2015
Velvet