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Hello Loombandman

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

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Hi ailujym
If you have used your own name or are concerned that you are recognisable on the forum it is always possible to have your username changed. If this is something you would like to do please email email@gamblingtherapy.org or contact the Helpline.
It is important, however, for the continued success of the forum that as many different stories remain visible as possible because it is through them new members get to know that their problem are recognised and understood. Although sharing is the life-blood of this site it is understood that there are some things that members prefer not to put on a public forum and to this end I am happy to hear from you and answer your questions. Please contact email@gamblingtherapy.org or the Helpline for my personal email address.
I have been wondering what was going on in your life and look forward to an update.
V

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Hi Ali
I can see that you are giving support to others which is terrific but please don’t forget to ask for support for yourself.
How are things with you? Have you found out what works for you?
Speak soon
Velvet

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Dear ailujym
Your reply throws up a couple of thoughts that I hope to help you with.
Low self-esteem comes with the addiction and is not necessarily first.
Absolutely and utterly reject guilt. You did not ask for or want his addiction anymore than he did BUT only ‘he’ can change his life – you are not to blame in any way for his addiction.
Unfortunately many, many CGs have to be seriously hurt by their addiction until they seek to change their lives. Mine would not have changed as long as I enabled.
Believe me I understand your cry ‘but I love him’ – unfortunately his addiction understands that cry only too well.
I am not and never would suggest parting from the man you love. All decisions must be yours, but I would be doing you a disservice if I wasn’t completely honest.
You are right that he would probably not understand your decision to not move with him but it is because he doesn’t want to understand – it threatens his addiction.
A coping method, not recognized professionally but one many of us have used at the beginning of our recovery is to imagine your partner’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten it, it stays quiet but it never sleeps.
Your partner is controlled by that addiction but you are not. When you threaten his addiction it leaps between you and because it is the master of threats and manipulation (which you are not and nor do you want to be) it will control the conversation or argument. Once the addiction beast is between you, you will only hear his addiction speak and because it only knows lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. When you speak to your partner the addiction distorts your words and he will not comprehend your meaning.
My CG explained it to me by saying that all the time I was telling him that if he didn’t lie but lived honestly he would be happy, his addiction was distorting his mind – convincing him that I was lying because he truly believed that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure – he was lost and fought back because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism
If you can stand back a bit and listen to what your partner is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you.
By looking after you first you will become stronger because one of the best ways to win is not to play the game.
I will send this to help you in your thinking but please keep posting.
You are doing well, even if you think you are not
V

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Hi ailujym
I am glad you found your way to the forums. Unfortunately you did pop up in the F&F ‘Topic Forum’ which got somewhat depleted when we moved site not long ago and which isn’t up and running properly again – yet. Harry has moved you and hopefully you will be reading this.
It is one of the problems F&F have, I think, that we see the addiction in terms of money, which kind of makes more sense to the non-CG (compulsive gambler), because trying to understand that ‘the gamble’ itself is the problem doesn’t equate with reason and logic.
When you stop and look, it is always the behaviour that has hurt you most – the lies, the deceit, the needless arguments and the misery. The loss of money was a problem but it was nothing compared to the loss of your self-esteem, the inability for you to trust and the overall feeling that you were to blame for the madness that engulfed you.
I cannot tell you what to do because it is important that you make your own informed decisions and I hope that this site will support you with those.
I am concerned when I read that you are worried that your own recovery could be at risk if you move away from your friends and the ground support you now have. The addiction to gamble is divisive and secretive, it isolates those it hopes will enable it and that is a real risk which I would hope you will weigh up very carefully.
In AA I think you will have come across the ‘20 questions’, I would suggest you print off the Gamblers Anonymous set of 20 questions and ask you partner to look at them. It is possible that your partner is unaware of the support that is available for him; he certainly seems unaware that the defences he puts up for his addiction, are well-worn and baseless arguments that hold no sway with CGs who live gamble-free.
Your partner is almost certainly suffering low self-esteem and lack of confidence because his addiction guarantees failure and living with failure is destructive to his mind, hence the massive mood swings. He does love to gamble but his love is a toxic mistress who does not love him and who will bring him down if he doesn’t seek support.
Active CGs think about the gamble 24 hours a day and those who love them often find themselves spending an equal amount of time worrying about the affects of gambling, thus the addiction claims two victims for the price of one. As the worry increases, so the stress levels rocket and those who are closest to the CG lose their way. In that perilous state F&F become unable to help anybody.
Please put yourself first. I believe you when you say that your partner is a lovely guy but sadly he is a lovely guy with an addiction to gamble. I like many CGs but liking and loving them, does not and will not save them. Looking after you will ultimately be the greatest help you can give your CG partner.
If it was me I would tell my partner that I had sought help because I was worried. Maybe you could leave the directions to GA, gambling addiction websites and dedicated addiction counsellors lying around, giving information on where help is to be found, it might help him focus on the reality of his ‘pleasure’.
I have no idea why on a certain day and at a certain time my CG had, had enough. We had been estranged for some time when during a strained telephone conversation I mentioned the name of a rehab centre. It was no more than a sign-post for him which I hoped would say I was still on his side – but I could not and would not live with his addiction. Only he knows but maybe, just maybe it was the trigger for him to determine to live gamble-free.
I wouldn’t be writing to you ailujym if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result. It takes determination and courage but it can be done and is done.
Please keep posting and never forget how important ‘you’ are. You are not to blame for his addiction.
Speak soon
Velvet

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Dear Ell
What a terrific post – how good to hear from you.
It is so hard to be patient and wait for time to bring healing but sadly it is only time that can heal some wounds. Forgiveness is very special and I don’t think any of us can determine the day we will feel it but I hope dear Ell when that day comes your circle of happiness will be complete.
I am not sure it is right to forget because the experience was a large part of your life and it will have changed you. Taking something that is bad and turning it into a life experience that strengthens you is the most powerful vengeance anyone could have against the addiction to gamble.
It doesn’t surprise me to hear that you are still working hard but I hope in time you will enjoy the fruits of your labour. How wonderful to read that you have peace in your heart – you worked so hard for it and I know it wasn’t easy for you.
I wish you continued joy with your husband and your daughter – they are both very lucky to have Ell in their lives.
Maybe one day you will pop back again but of course I understand that this site has been a chapter in your life that is now rightfully closed.
Take care and enjoy your life
Όπως πάντα αγαπητέ Ell
με αγάπη
V

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Hi Laurie
I assume that at the present time your boyfriend is not in debt but is covering his gambling with a well paid job. Unfortunately when that is the case it is hard for the CG (compulsive gambler) to see the damage they are inflicting on themselves and those around them.
The addiction to gamble has nothing to do with money – the gamble is everything and that plays with the mind of the CG. Is your boyfriend moody when he has lost, does he get excited as the time comes for him to play again and does he blame you when things don’t go well?
With his gambling addiction fully active your boyfriend is unable to see that his ‘so-called’ dream is impossible and that he will always lose because he cannot walk away – which is the lot of a CG.
How well do you get on with his mum? She is enabling her son’s addiction by bailing him out and in doing so she is contributing towards his downfall and misery. Many people do not realise that they are enabling – believing that love will conquer all and thinking that bailing out means love. Can you talk to her?
Knowledge of the addiction to gamble will give you power over it, so please stick with the forum (and/or) groups as there is so much to learn that can help. The most important message I can give you in this first reply is to tell you to look after yourself. Those who love CGs put them first and spend 24 hours a day worrying about an addiction that they do not own. The CG spends 24 hours a day thinking about the gamble and does not worry about those around them because the addiction is a selfish one.
You are wearing yourself out with crying and being hysterical and you have been getting nowhere so it is time to try something different and that means looking after you first. This might sound poor support but when those around CGs are exhausted by the addiction, they often lose confidence and self-esteem, which leaves them unable to help anybody and that includes their addicted love one. I suspect you have lost friends and interests during the time you have been with your CG – you are probably giving him your all because you want to save him from himself. It is hard to accept but none of us can save a CG loved one – the only person who can save your boyfriend is himself and at the moment he doesn’t appear to want saving.
I am going to stop now although there is much to say but I want to get this first post to you so that you know you are being heard.
Velvet

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For Jessie – håber dette hjælper

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Jessie – tikiuosi, kad tai padės

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Για την Jessie – ελπίζω να βοηθήσει

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For Jessie – håper dette hjelper

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For Jessie – hope this helps

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Pour Jessie – j'espère que cela vous aidera

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جیسی کے لئے – امید ہے کہ اس سے مدد ملے گی۔

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Untuk Jessie – semoga ini membantu

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