[velvet]

Olá, Anni. Se você ainda está acompanhando este tópico, sugiro que participe do fórum Amigos e Família ou do grupo Amigos e Família. Obviamente, você foi afetado pelo vício do jogo e reconheço que terá muitas perguntas. Eu adoraria 'conhecê-lo' em um grupo, ou responder a você no fórum – onde eu prometo a sua compreensão. Espero que você poste novamente em breve Velvet

[velvet]

Ciao Anni Se stai ancora seguendo questo thread, ti suggerisco di iscriverti al forum Friends and Family o al gruppo Friends and Family. Ovviamente sei stato colpito dalla dipendenza dal gioco d'azzardo e riconosco che avrai molte domande. Mi piacerebbe 'incontrarti' in un gruppo, o risponderti nel forum, dove ti prometto comprensione. Spero che tu pubblichi presto di nuovo Velvet

[velvet]

Salut Anni Si vous suivez toujours ce fil, je vous suggère de rejoindre le forum Amis et famille ou le groupe Amis et famille. Vous avez manifestement été touché par l'addiction au jeu et je reconnais que vous aurez beaucoup de questions. J'aimerais beaucoup vous « rencontrer » en groupe, ou vous répondre sur le forum – où je vous promets de comprendre. En espérant que vous publiez à nouveau bientôt Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Madge
It was great to get update, so thank you.
I always understood very clearly how important your family is to you so I know how hard it must have been for you to ask your husband to leave but why you found in necessary to do so.
As we have always been open in our discussions, I am aware that you husband’s problems do not relate just to the addiction to gamble which is all I can justifiable comment on but I am delighted to read that your husband is having CBT therapy and also getting support from SA and GA. He certainly sounds as though he is trying to deal with his various difficulties. It is especially heart-warming to hear that he is finding an empathetic side to his nature which implies the CBT therapy is going well.
This forum is, of course, more about ‘you’. I sense from your post that you are a much happier person, getting help in the house, help with the children, communicating with your husband and even planning dates – what a difference from your previous posts.
I have to admit that I am concerned that you feel the need to be the detective to such a degree – it doesn’t sound healthy for you so I am glad to read you feel this is something that has a goal and an end in sight. I am amazed that he has been willing to have a GPS tracker on his phone but if this is something which you both agree is supportive to his continued well-being and yours then I can only say I hope it has the desired effect. I know you are both dealing with so much more than just the addiction to gamble so of course I cannot judge (and would not).
I don’t remember whether I knew your husband suffered from sleep apnoea but as many problems stem from sleep issues, I am glad these are being addressed. It seems to me that your husband is getting support from all directions and for both your sakes I am so pleased to hear it.
Your last paragraph is wonderfully positive – it is so easy to feel that working on someone else’s happiness is the most important thing while over-looking the thing that matters most. If you are not right then all the support in the world, that your husband is getting, will not be enough for you to have the relationship that you want.
I hope to see you posting more often; it was lovely to see you back supporting San.
It is easy to remember you and I will always be listening
V

[velvet]

Hi Madge
I hope if you are keeping a watchful eye on San’s thread you will pick this post up.
I haven’t brought your thread up because I am not sure it is what you want – it is on page 3 if you should decided to resurrect it.
It would be great to get an update. your words to San give little away about how you are.
Hoping to hear
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi San
I don’t think I would go into a discussion with him about ‘emotional blackmail’ – I am not sure he would even understand the phrase while he is like this. I suggest that his sole thought is to get money to feed his addiction and he is shooting his mouth off in any direction hoping for a reaction. Once he gets a reaction, any reaction, he is in like a thing possessed – it worked before and it could work again. He is trying to wear you down San and I’m afraid the only thing I can think of for you to do positively is to go back through all your posts and remind yourself of when you were in this position before and see how well you survived and then put more steel into your barriers.
You know that his blaming you for his girlfriend walking out is a load of old eyewash. Whether she walks away, or not, is entirely up to her. If he was thinking logically or reasonable he would never make such a ridiculous accusation.
I don’t think he ‘understands’ what he is doing. He is out of control and just sees a brick wall blocking his way that has to be dismantled brick by brick. It’s tough to see ourselves as obstacles but when the addiction is going full pelt I think it is best to be aware that it can ride over us and move on, without a second thought. As Madge so rightly says we do only have limited resources – look after yours.
Please keep posting
V

[velvet]

Dear San
Of course I am sending you ‘stay strong’ vibes, I send them to you even when you are not posting because you made such an impression on me. I so wish we could sit together – cyber space seem so inadequate at times.
You sound as though you are feeling dwarfed by the situations around you but I know you have an inner strength and will overcome. You know I cannot tell you what to do but if it was me I would be telling my CG ‘don’t talk to me about money because I have none to give – I will end this communication if you ask for money’ and then end it if he doesn’t stop. I can hear you have had enough and I believe I can hear rock bottom. ‘No’ is such a small word but I know how hard it is to say – don’t let his addiction take away any more of the happiness you have fought for, you deserve so much more than this and you know his addiction is NOT your fault. I imagine that you are speaking to your CG for him to be penetrating your barriers like this – you are hearing his addiction too loudly – can you get back to text messages only, giving you time to think and also the ability to switch off and delete unpleasant messages?
I am so very sorry to hear that you partner has cancer and I can only pray that it has been caught in time and he will stay strong. My hope for you is as always, that your illness has remained in remission and will continue to do so.
I hope that your other children are giving you joy.
I send my best wishes to you and your partner.
Speak soon
V

[velvet]

Hi Melany
You may well be young but your attitude is mature, Starting a thread and writing your first post, which is always the hardest, will hopefully give you a head start on your partner’s behaviour.
Everything you are doing is right, protecting your password and handling the finances is great. However, CGs do have a knack of finding money so watch what comes in the post and keep checking your accounts for any odd movement. Knowledge of his addiction and its capabilities will give you power over it.
Your partner is the naïve one, believing that all he has to do is not gamble because unfortunately abstinence is not recovery. It is quite common for CGs not to turn up at GA or counselling meetings because they are afraid of what they will hear and what they may be called upon to do. Although your partner appears to be accepting he has an addiction, it seems to me that he is keeping the door open just enough to give him space to manoeuvre, in the hope that things will settle down so his addiction can go on its own sweet way.
It takes a lot of courage and determination to control the addiction to gamble. It is a secretive, divisive and all consuming addiction and your partner is lucky to have you and your strength on his side, although, unfortunately he will almost certainly not appreciate how lucky he is at the moment.
In this first post I will confine myself to telling you the most important thing you can do – and that is to look after ‘you’ which ultimately is also the finest thing you can do for your partner. However much an active CG loves someone, they are unable to accept responsibility for that relationship while their addiction dominates their minds 24 hours a day. Looking after you therefore will help to protect your relationship.
The addiction to gamble has nothing to do with money and that is something that all those who love CGs spend a lot of time trying to understand. I cannot tell you what to do but I recommend you do not try to make sense of the senseless, as it will wear you out and not help you at all. The addiction is all about the gamble – money is a means to an end and giving money to a CG is like giving a drink to an alcoholic.
Why is looking after you so important? When you devote your time and energy into a CG who is not controlling his/her addiction, it is easy to lose yourself. It is easy to spend 24 hours a day worrying until gradually your own personality is sucked up and the addiction claims a second victim. Your self-esteem and confidence can be destroyed with nothing gained for you or your loved one. Keep your other friendships alive, don’t give up on hobbies and interests and make sure that every day you spend time without gambling at the forefront of your mind. However much time you spend worrying, it will change nothing.
Keep posting, there is so much more to say but I remember trying to take it all in myself and I know it is easier in small doses. Ask all the questions you want to ask. Do you have family to support you? I appreciate that unless you have lived with this addiction if it almost impossible to understand what it is like and often friends and family do say all the wrong things through ignorance. However, with non-judgemental understanding here and loving support on the ground I hope you will find the strength you need.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Melany

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

<

Hello Whatif and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Wishbone
I couldn’t agree more that it would have been a terrible mistake and a dreadful loss. You are a unique and important person and we are glad to welcome you to this forum.
I am mostly to be found in the Friends and Family section but I noticed your first post and wanted just to say hi, give you our official welcome and also offer a personal welcome.
I pop over often and read the posts in My Journal and I look forward to hearing your progress.
Well done on writing your first post – the first one is always the hardest.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Wishbone and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Loom
There is no finite answer to your question – we all react in different ways but I will give you my thoughts on it.
In my opinion, healing must come first and in the same way that healing has to be selfish for the CG so it has to be for those who love the CG because neither can heal the other. Unless we heal I don’t think we can forgive, trust, rebuild or share – it would be like walking on thin, cracked ice without any hope of gaining solid ground.
I suppose that constructing the new way or determining the new relationship comes next. When I was in Gamanon I heard outcomes from the addiction that I had not expected. We had husbands/wives and partners in my group and down the corridor were the respective husband/wives and partners in the GA meeting. Some were adamant that forgiveness was never going to occur because they had done nothing wrong (which indeed they had not. Through no fault of their own they had found the addiction to gamble forced on them and were determined that blame for it lay solely with the CG. My firm belief is that a CG could/would never want or ask for this horrific addiction, anymore than those who love them, so to my mind when a CG has the courage to control his/her addiction they deserve support, not blame. I was fortunate that the lady who led my meetings was married to a CG who was 12 years into his gamble-free life and that was 10 years ago. (He is still gamble-free and a remarkable man). She helped me heal and accept that although I had done nothing wrong, I could not have known how to do that which was right for my loved one weighed down with a secretive, divisive, destructive addiction.
So with healing I believe that discussion on constructing the way forward can take place.
I believe that true forgiveness can only come with understanding and depends on the individuals involved. For some it can come before healing but for me it took a very long time. I remember being surprised by it and subsequently liberated by it.
Trust is the most difficult of all. Year of deception, countless lies, manipulations of situations when you felt you were in control of your life and you were not, all add up to a terrible loss of trust. Knowledge helps to understand the lies and deceptions but it is my belief that retaking control of your own life is one of the major properties of healing and the thing that carries you through to safety.
I can only tell you that I did regain trust and hope that some of the above answers some of your questions.
Keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi again Loom
Something I had not expected when my CG entered recovery was that he had to learn to trust me.
It did not surprise me that I did not trust him, I would have been naive to do so – but in fact he did not expect to be trusted because for quite a long time he couldn’t trust himself. He was determined to live gamble-free but he knows he is a CG and will always be a CG. In the early days he could only offer his hope and determination and in reality has never promised anything else but to carry on the same way taking one day at a time.
I asked him to help me support him as I didn’t want to muck up his hope of a good life. He was reluctant, feeling I think, that I had already been through enough but somewhere in our discussions I became aware that what I thought and said mattered more than it ever had before. I have thought about this a lot – an unexpected light bulb moment where the blaze surprised and changed me.
During the long gambling years he had not trusted me – his addiction didn’t want him to trust me. My words to him were worthless – he didn’t know honesty and didn’t expect to hear it back as a result. I don’t do ‘what ifs’ or ‘if onlys’, nor do I dwell in the past but I use it for reference only and I have considered what I would have said to him that was not honest and therefore in keeping with his addictive mind set. In desperation many times, for instance, I would have told him that there was no money so I could not enable him. However his addiction sensed the fudging of the truth and in time, following emotional manipulation way in excess of anything I could have believed possible, I would ‘find’ some money to pay for whatever – of course it was used to shore up his gambling before I had closed my purse.
With his recovery came an understanding to him of what he had done. He knew that he had taken a leap of faith and that he was determined to live gamble-free, he knew he had sought recovery and gained the tools to change but what had I been doing? As far as he knew I was the same – intolerant, two-faced, addiction- ignorant and definitely ignorant of all he had learned about himself. What he didn’t know was that I had determined to try and understand and in doing so I had changed too. My way was to go to Gamanon which is the sister of GA. I asked questions about everything, I struggled, raved, cried through every meeting so that when my CG eventually told me that I had done everything wrong for all the right reasons I didn’t argue as I would have done – I understood.
I have to leave it there for now but I hope I am giving you the support you seek. Please keep posting and ask any questions you have.
You have recognised that there is much work ahead and it is probably as hard as the work that has gone before but it is different. Seeking your recovery is tough but it is a step in the right direction – it is the best thing that you can do for you and ultimately for your CG.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Loom
The above is our official welcome and this is my personal one.
Recognising that ‘you’ need to recover is an important step towards doing so. When a loved one takes the leap of faith towards living in control of the addiction to gamble it calls for different strengths from those who love them. It isn’t easy and I am glad that you have had the courage to start a thread so that you know that you are not alone at this time.
It is late for me but I just wanted to say ‘hi’ and let you know that you have been heard. A walk in the park is certainly not what it is but hopefully it is a walk to freedom and I will gladly share that walk with you and hopefully support you.
Velvet

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