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Hello Leo and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties youre currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if youre new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. Were in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like youre not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
And on that note….
Im going to hand you over to our community because Im sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi BU
It stands to reason that a forum for CGs wanting to change their lives will focus a lot on relapses BUT relapses are not compulsory and many, many people take control of their lives without relapsing.
I remember a CG some time ago who slipped because she felt it was the thing to do – to see what it was like. The pain of it did work for her positively but there was no need for her to go down this road and of course it could have worked against her.
Slips are not necessarily negative, working through a slip can make a recovery stronger but once again this is not a necessary path to go down.
I think that early recoveries are frightening and more so when you start thinking that your thoughts, in years to come, will be as they are now. You will change as your confidence grows – confidence is not complacency. I feel that we all have to be aware that we are not complacent about something in our lives but we can be confident, hold our heads up and live happily in control of ourselves.
Try and stop worrying about tomorrow because it stops you enjoying today.
VelvetHi Jansdad
I, in company with thousands of others, got my head round it. Agreed we needed to be shown the way but having been shown it, it was much easier to offer the right support.
VelvetDear Mamyth
It might be weird but I do understand what you mean. He sounds as though he has lost his way completely and doesn’t know what to do.
A CG doesn’t have to be arrested or end up on the street to hit rock bottom, it is rather a state of mind – a point where a person’s life has become completely unacceptable in its present form and hopefully there is then an overwhelming realisation that change is needed. Why a light bulb should go off at one time more than another I have no idea.
My CG became totally estranged from me and spiralled down into an abyss that held no hope – he no longer wanted to be the person he had become. I don’t know why on a certain day at a certain time he decided enough was enough but it happened. He had made a couple of phone calls to me out of the blue – I remember him still passionately denying he was gambling and I remember telling him that I had heard of a place called Gordon House which is the rehab for CGs in the UK. Two and a half hours later he called again and asked if the application form could be faxed to my home. We have never discussed this moment but I now understand a little of where his mind had got to – he hated who he was and he didn’t know what to do about it. This experience convinced me that it is important to tell a CG where support can be found when they are ready because nobody, including them, knows when that time will be.
I do hope you rebuild your life even though he is not physically in it – standing still will not do you any good and it won’t help you husband. I think your simple text message is great. Personally I wouldn’t tell him what was happening in my life because he has decided he doesn’t want to be part of it but I cannot judge whether my way would be any better than yours.
Keep posting
V<
Hello LC and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties youre currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if youre new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. Were in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like youre not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
And on that note….
Im going to hand you over to our community because Im sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Mamyth
Thank you for filling me in with details – it helps.
Knowing he is safe and working must be a relief for you, even though it has left you feeling confused and alone.
If your husband has put the strategies you describe into place to protect you then I think you can be assured he knew the capabilities of his addiction and that he loves you but he still believes his addiction is the answer to his happiness. In my opinion he almost certainly believes that you cannot and do not understand him and there is nothing you can do to change that – he will feel misunderstood whatever you say.
The best thing you can do for yourself (and ultimately your husband), is to put you first because if you allow the addiction to destroy ‘you’ then it has won another unwitting victim. Crushed by it, with self-esteem, confidence, friendships, hobbies gone, you can’t support anybody including your CG. I appreciate this is a message that doesn’t seem to offer much hope for a broken relationship but when a relationship is struggling anyway nothing will change unless someone does something different. You cannot change your husband, you cannot save him – but you can save you and ensure that you are not a piece of the wreckage of his addiction.
Of course I cannot predict what will happen to your husband but I do know that if you are strong and in control of your life you are in a better position to be the rock for him to turn to, when, hopefully, he has finally had enough of being controlled by his addiction.
Please don’t beat yourself up thinking what you could have said or whether your reaction to the lodger wasn’t right in his eyes. I spent 25 years doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons so I know it is impossible to deal logically and rationally with an addiction that has no logic or rationale. It is good to know that your husband did, for a time, accept he has an addiction although he wasn’t ready at that time to accept it in his heart. He had a seed of doubt and hopefully that seed will grow – how much better for him, and for you, that you have stood firm and regained your self-esteem and confidence.
I think you are doing incredibly well and if there is anything else you want to talk about, or ask, I hope you will keep posting. There is a Friends and Family group on Tuesdays 20.00 -21.00 hours UK time – it would great to talk to you in real time, nothing said in the group appears on the forum, you would be very welcome.
VelvetDear San
I hope your partner’s treatment is going well and that you are not getting stress from your son.
Thinking about you
VelvetHi Charlster
I don’t find your bucket list too long or too much to strive for. I think it is an admirable list for someone determining to take control of his life.
I think journals are a splendid way to get things that are swirling around in your brain into some sort of order.
You will always be able to read about lapses in the forum because it is a forum for those who are trying to change their lives and change is not easy but lapses are NOT compulsory, they are not a rite of passage. I have a friend who has 19 gamble-free years behind him and is living a life that encapsulates everything on your wish list and he is definitely not alone.
I have no doubt that you can achieve everything on your list provided you want it enough. I really do know that it is tough but I believe you are doing to best thing for yourself by posting on here having been accepted by GMA.
I’m glad you care about what happens to you because I do too and I hope you will keep posting when you have been through the programme so that I can know when you want to smile more.
VelvetHi Mamyth
You are definitely not talking to yourself – you will always be heard.
Anxiety attacks are horrible and I hope you are calmer now.
Knowledge of your husband’s addiction will give you control over it and help you cope. I will try and give you the information that you want.
It would help if you could give a little more information on what led up to your husband’s departure – for instance, had he been gambling more desperately than usual or was he in excessive debt? Does he accept he has a gambling addiction and has he ever sought help for it?
CGs (compulsive gamblers) often disappear so that they can gamble for days on end without interruption or to hide away having lost everything, leaving them with a greater than usual feeling of failure.
Even though he is not responding have you any idea where he is, is he contacting anybody, do you have family to support you?
I am sorry to load you with so many questions especially after you have made such an effort to start your thread – I know the first post is hard.
I will walk with you for as long as you want me to do so – you are not alone and you are understood. I will look for your post tomorrow and hopefully start supporting you as you deserve. I hope you rest tonight because as I think you are aware, all the worrying in the world will not change anything but gaining understanding and caring for youself will make a difference.
VelvetHi Maverick
Maybe writing on this forum is addictive but like so many other things in your life you can only deal with one at a time and hopefully this is one thing you are doing that will gradually lessen but for as long as you want support stick with GT, it will not hurt you, your life or the lives of those around you.
It isn’t easy, I think, to say out loud ‘I am Maverick and I am a compulsive gambler’ but just saying it is still, in my opinion, easier than accepting it. Last night you did not believe it and your addiction had a free-for-all.
In my view, after 7 hours indulging your addiction you were far from even. The session would have stoked the fire in your gamble-brain, your behaviour would have been affected and that means that those around you would be affected.
Those who love CGs usually talk about loss of money first – but it is never that loss that hurts the most. It is the loss of self-esteem and confidence that a loved-one feels because the addiction is more important than a relationship.
‘giving all my money and cards to my wife, if she wants’, is a step in the right direction but I suggest you ask her to do it because it is what ‘you’ want. Talk to her about your desire to change and ask her to support you but tell her how you want that support. Those who love CGs do not understand the addiction and don’t know what to do to help, with the result that they spend years (25 in my case) doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons.
I assume your wife knows you are going on the GMA programme but she will almost certainly not understand fully what it entails and she will be afraid of false hope. Would you consider telling her about the Friends and Family group on Tuesday evenings. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum and I can promise you that everything that is said in the group is said with care and understanding.
I have, in my opinion, the undoubted privilege of seeing the before, during and after of the addiction that you own. I use the experience of living with the addiction for reference only but I can talk happily about the ‘after’. It means that I ‘know’ the addiction can be controlled and that it takes courage and determination to do so but most importantly, I believe, it is a lot better for a CG to have good support when facing the unknown.
I hope some of this helps
VelvetHi Charlster
You have sorted your immediate problem and you mind will be eased so watch out for that devil ‘complacency’ sitting on your shoulder.
Leave the money in the bank unless it is to buy your basic food.
Keep posting and thinking positively – you are doing well.
VelvetHi Charlster
I start many posts by saying ‘I can’t tell you what to do’ – but with this post I am breaking my cardinal rule by saying – Do Not Gamble This Money, you will lose as sure as night follows day, you will not have the rent money and you will not have money for food.
Go back and read every post you have written again – you have made giant strides in your recovery – you ‘can’ do this.
As I said in my previous post to you, your urges will probably be stronger as you wait for the GMA programme Because you have the project in front of you, I suspect your addiction is chewing your insides to give it some leeway, after all the the programme will be a magic pill that will sort everything out. Your addiction thrives on situations like this – it doesn’t matter whether you gamble with a penny, £105, or a million pounds, your brain will be into gambling mode and that is a backward step, how much better to go to GMA with a roof still over your head and food in your stomach (even if you are a little hungry)
There is a 4th scenario as I see it. Rather than saying you can’t pay your rent you can offer a substantial amount of it and live on beans and toast for 2 weeks – I know you can do it because I have seen it done before.
Testing time indeed – I will watch your thread and look forward to seeing you come through.
VelvetHi Mrjames
Keep posting, join your local GA, keep talking, never stop listening and learn everything you can about your addiction.
Velvet<
Hello Mrjames and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties youre currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if youre new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. Were in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like youre not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
And on that note….
Im going to hand you over to our community because Im sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Charlster
I think it would be strange if you were not dwelling in the past at the moment. You are waiting to go on the GMA project and it is natural to feel frightened about what it entails.
You have support now and it is here for as long as you want it, you are no longer standing alone, you are understood, you are not being judged and the battle ahead is not impossible, if it was I wouldn’t be posting to you.
You know what you are facing but you will not be facing it without the tools to survive because the GMA programme will give you those tools. What you do with them will be up to you but with determination you can change your life and live gamble-free, if it wasn’t so, I wouldn’t be here.
The urges are strong because your addiction knows you are preparing to fight it. It will be even more demanding because it doesn’t want to let go of you, so keep posting and focus your attention elsewhere.
I hope you have picked yourself up a bit as the day wears on. Don’t be afraid of being afraid, just don’t let fear lessen your determination – you are doing the right thing
My favourite quote is ‘success is not the result of spontaneous combustion; you must set yourself on fire first’. You have lit the fire Charlser – well done.
Velvet
