[velvet]

Hi Linda
Of course it wasn’t horrible to tell your bf that you didn’t want to hear about his gambling – if you were afraid then you probably had reason to be.
I don’t know whether or not your bf is addicted to gambling – but I do believe that you should not be afraid of the person you love. He promised he would stop gambling and he reneged on that promise, he gambled until 9 or 12 am and was taking sleeping pills, all of which implies he is not in control of himself – this is not behaviour to feel proud about. How old is he?
You are right that the brain is powerful so instead of allowing yourself to look down, use it to look up and see the good things in your life. You are obviously a very caring person; you are unique and special so allow yourself to feel those things. If your bf is addicted, his addiction would take you down with it – that is reason enough for you to be proud of yourself and the way you behaved.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Linda
Please stop feeling horrible because your ex-boyfriend appears to have chosen poker over you. When a gambling addiction is active, CGs feel they do not have choices – they are driven by urges and because of their addiction they make the wrong ones.
It would be wrong to suggest that your bf is trying to save you from his addiction by distancing himself from you – the addiction to gamble is selfish and it seems that your bf wants to indulge his without interruption, implying that he has no desire to control it.
You have done nothing wrong and there is nothing that you should blame yourself for – if a CG is not ready to face his /her addiction then there is little that can be done.
The best thing that you can do for him and for you is to look after yourself, see, friends, enjoy hobbies and interests – live out of the shadow of an addiction that you do not own. This might seem of little value but your bf knows where you are and when he wants to live in control of his addiction, he will find you healthy and happy if you put yourself first now– waiting for him, losing sleep, crying will not change him, only he can do that. It is sadly very easy to become victims of this addiction by association, those who love CGs suffer and can lose their way completely – I do understand how you feel – it is very frustrating.
In my opinion, it is good to send a short text every now and then, saying you are fine and wishing him well – maybe telling him you care about him. It is a waste of time mentioning his addiction as you will never know if you are hearing truth from him or not. If he contacts you it is good to keep communication short and not to make demands or threats, however, if it is evident that he is still allowing his addiction to control his life, in my opinion, it would be unwise to offer him hope of a relationship. It is easy to enable an addiction by being available and he will be hoping that he can have his addiction and you. Stand strong; it is incredibly hard to remove this addiction from your life once you have allowed it control of what you do.
Post again soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth
How glad I am to read that your mother’s poor behaviour did not start a chain reaction. You did well keeping your cool.
Look after yourself Lizbeth – you didn’t deserve the outburst, you are not responsible for whatever is eating your mother up. It takes time to get over unwarranted confrontation so relax and enjoy the peace and safety of your own home.
The mani/pedi sounds great – I love purple nails.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Danny and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Linda
You have posted on Naquino’s thread which means that members will not be able to find ‘you’ and give you the individual support you deserve.
Please scroll to the bottom of the Friends and Family forum and click on ‘New Topic’. Give your thread a title and then write your post in the box entitled ‘body’. Scroll down to ‘save’ and click and your thread will be up and running.
I won’t reply to your post here because it is Naquino’s thread but I look forward to seeing you post again when I will gladly support you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Liberty
It seems to me from your thread that your mother is unaware of what your addiction means to you and how she could support you (and herself) in a healthy way. Would she be willing to come into the Friends and Family group on Tuesdays 20.00 – 2100 hours UK time and ‘talk’ to me or contact our helpline?
I have no idea why my CG has the addiction to gamble and I have not – but I do know that neither of us asked for it, nor wanted it. I think there is so much ignorance about the addiction and that ignorance leads to lack of trust and lack of empathy.
If the addiction is in a person’s life, whether they own it or not, in my opinion it is better for everybody concerned that a light is shone on it. It is an addiction that thrives on secrecy when it is active and I suspect your mother probably said and did everything wrong when you were gambling.
When our shoulders are heavy and our burdens are many it is great to share with another who cares enough to listen – if your mother hasn’t learned to listen maybe she could be encouraged to understand more.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Naquino
It is indeed hard not to take the lies and deceits personally but it is important to remember that his poor behaviour is not as a result of something you have done or said.
A CG doesn’t change the instant he/she begins therapy – it takes time for them to accept responsibility for the behaviour that accompanies their addiction and indeed it is very hard for them to do so. Telling you to be more understanding is typical and not worth becoming emotional over – he is blaming you because he is still unwilling to blame himself.
I suggest that you safeguard any money you have access to in your name alone – for the protection of you and your child. Even if your bf is now in therapy it is unwise to trust him. The girl your bf has borrowed money from is not your responsibility – unfortunately people who ‘lend’ money to CG are not doing them any favours and when they don’t get their money back it should be between them and the CG. I cannot tell you what to do but personally I would not get involved with this person in any way. In ‘not’ clearing your bf’s debts you will be doing the right thing for him.
It might not seem a great deal, but the best way you can ‘be there’ for your bf is to look after yourself and your child first.
Keep posting – you have done well starting your thread – the first post is always the hardest.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Naquino

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

‘The more I think about it, the more pissed off I get about how much of a fool I was to ever believe that gambling is anything good! It’s all a load of crap, and I fell for it for sooooo long. Oh well, live and learn, and never again to gamble shall I go’.
Hi Fritz
Stop being pissed off with yourself, you have an addiction that you neither asked for nor wanted but you are now using that very addiction to support others in a way that you could not have done without it. This is almost certainly the greatest education you will ever have in your life, you have taken it by the scruff of its neck and you are using it – brilliant.
All the effort that you are putting in to your battle with your demons is giving you greater clarity and increasing your confidence. I understand, only too well, that as an engineer with logic you want to get to the bottom of things and understand – but logic, reasoning and compulsive gambling do not belong in the same sentence, understanding the surrounding behaviour is more important and life-changing.
It seems to me that your wife is supporting you in just the right way but if she should want to talk at any time she would be really welcome in the Friends and Family group. It is good for F&F to share their hopes too.
As a non-CG I also come across posts that really help me with what I am dealing with at a particular moment. I came across such a post just now – thank you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Dcor
The beauty of a forum such as this is that you can hear many opinions and then act, or not, in accordance with what you want to do – nobody here can, or should, tell you what to do.
I am in agreement with most of Nomore’s post apart from the suggestion that anybody on this site can claim to ‘know’ what is going on with your wife.
Many, many CGs do change their lives and are reluctant to share the process with those who love them. They feel they have changed and made the effort but that those around them have remained the same and will therefore only come out with the same well-worn expressions – so why bother to share? You will find a lot of posts in our CG forum that refer to the inability of the non-CG to understand and whereas I think nobody can understand what it is like to have the addiction I believe it is possible to understand a great deal of what goes on around it but it does take effort.
What if maybe, just maybe, your wife has had the courage to face her demons and change her life – where does that leave you? Full of natural doubt of course, with only a long and painful experience behind you on which you can draw your conclusions. I struggled for quite some time after my CG told me that he had changed his life. I had no hard evidence that he had changed, or not, apartfrom a difference in his overall behaviour – a lightness that had not been there before. However some time after he told me that he no longer gambled I had a doubt about something I could not explain and I thought it safe to ask him. In one short sentence I proved to him that ‘I’ had not changed. Fortunately for both of us his determination was strong and although I rocked the boat we both survived, he leads a gamble-free life and our relationship is built on ‘mutual’ trust.
Not everybody can trust Dcor and many relationships do flounder but what I do wonder and don/t hear in your post, is positive proof that your wife is gambling. This is really only thoughts for you and there is no judgement intended. Is your wife going to GA or seeking help with her addiction?
If you disagree, or agree, with anything you read on this forum please post – we all want the same goal but we do have different ways of going about it – some suit and some do not. It is not complaining, it is our way of making sense of the senselessness in our lives. I think it is important that while you are so full of doubt, it is best to hide your money and pin numbers so that your wife has no access. If she asks why, it is not necessary to get into heavy discussions – maybe you could say that you are trying to appreciate what she is doing and this is your way of supporting her. CGs who do change their lives do appreciate that they are not to be trusted with cash and many do want their finances cared for by another.
I hope this doesn’t confuse Dcor, as I said please post again. I know I am being controversial when I say that ‘I’ believe there are differences between many male and female CG. Your wife is also a mother and if she is lost in her addiction she will be a terribly unhappy person.
I wish you both and your children well.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Charlster
The Void is well known to CGs in their early gamble-free life and has been discussed many times on this forum. Not being a CG I accept that it is hard to take my word that the void does get filled and that there will be many new experiences that will give you a tremendous buzz but I really have seen the evidence. .
The following, written by a CG, appeared in ‘My Journal’ some time ago – I hope it helps
“In Between

Sometimes, to get from where we are to where we are going, we have to be willing to be in between.

One of the hardest parts of recovery is the concept of letting go of what is old and familiar, but what we don’t want, and being willing to stand with our hands empty while we wait for God to fill them.

This may apply to feelings. We may have been full of hurt and anger. In some ways, these feelings may have become comfortably familiar. When we finally face and relinquish our grief, we may feel empty for a time. We are in between pain and the joy of serenity and acceptance.

Being in between can apply to relationships. To prepare ourselves for the new, we need to first let go of the old. This can be frightening. We may feel empty and lost for a time. We may feel all alone, wondering what is wrong with us for letting go of the proverbial bird in hand, when there is nothing in the bush.

Being in between can apply to many areas of life and recovery. We can be in between jobs, careers, homes, or goals. We can be in between behaviours as we let go of the old and are not certain what we will replace it with. This can apply to behaviours that have protected and served us well all of our life, such as caretaking and controlling.

We may have many feelings going on when we’re in between: spurts of grief about what we have let go of or lost, and feelings of anxiety, fear, and apprehension about what’s ahead. These are normal feelings for the in between place. Accept them. Feel them. Release them.

Being in between isn’t fun, but it’s necessary. It will not last forever. It may feel like we’re standing still, but we’re not. We’re standing at the in between place. It’s how we get from here to there. It is not the destination.

We are moving forward, even when we’re in between.

Today, I will accept where I am as the ideal place for me to be. If I am in between, I will strive for the faith that this place is not without purpose, that it is moving me toward something good.”

I completely agree that it will be far better to approach your daughter with evidence of a real determination to live gamble-free. Children can be the toughest critics of parents.
Are there any hobbies or interests that you have put on one side because of your addiction? I recommend table-tennis, it doesn’t cost much, it can satisfy the competitive spirit, it bring others into your life without being intrusive and it means a good night’s sleep from exhaustion. I know, I play 5 times a week!
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Mark
How about telling your mum about the Friends and Family group and/or forum? Nothing said in the group appears on the forum and your mum would get invaluable support. If your mum is supported she will be in a much better position to support you in the right way. My CG didn’t want me to have knowledge of his addiction in the early days but I went to Gamanon and learned to understand. As a result I stopped doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons and in the end was able to support him without fear, so it was great for both of us. I would recommend to all those who love CGs that they gain knowledge of the addiction that has hurt them so that when their loved one takes the leap of faith, that is called recovery, they can be the rock the CG needs – and not hamper, through ignorance the fantastic transformation that comes about when the addiction to gamble is controlled.
I know that the waiting time to get into GMA is tough but you can use this time to strengthen your determination and commitment for a gamble-free life and you can start today, if you couldn’t I wouldn’t be writing to you. GMA will give you the tools for the future but with gamble-free days under your belt it will be easier to accept those tools more quickly.
I wish you well
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Ed
I was only thinking about you on Monday and wondering how you were doing – it’s great to see your post.
I am glad that your thread has come up to the top at the moment because we have a few new members who are writing much as you did in 2013 (jeepers -was it really that long ago!) and I think that everyone feels better for a positive post.
I remember how your username caught my imagination all those ‘one day at a time’ ago, I felt you were challenging yourself with it, the gauntlet was down and you rose to the challenge. I am glad your username wasn’t ‘chuffwit’, it definitely doesn’t have the same ring.
Your post is great Ed and I am so pleased that you continue to enjoy the life you fully deserve; hopefully it will inspire others to see that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. I fully understand why you don’t contribute more than you do but I do hope you will do the occasional post such as this – some of us never forget.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Charlster
I was pleased to read your post concerning your decision to avoid a relationship too early in your recovery.
It is my firm belief that you will be in a stronger position if you don’t enter a new relationship until you are focussed entirely on your gamble-free life and taking responsibility for yourself.
I am not alone in having the greatest respect for those who have faced the addiction to gamble and taken control of it, so continue taking one day at a time and build your credibility – it works.
Looking forward to an update
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Erin
I am not surprised you are tired and full of anger – you are working so hard to clear debts that you didn’t incur and you are feeling a lack of support.
Has your spouse ever admitted a lie to you? Does he lie about things that are unimportant? Are you able to ask him, without an argument, why he lies – and if so, would he consider confiding in his GA group or counsellor that he still feels the need to lie.
When he says he has a job, do you tell him that you don’t believe him, or do you ask about his fellow workers and whether or not he is enjoying the work? Point blank refusals to believe a liar usually result in a bigger lie as they seek to save face. I am not judging, I think I would have the point blank refusal to believe on the tip of my tongue – but I am wondering why he still feels the need to lie.
Your spouse is dealing with an addiction that has taken away his self-esteem and confidence and maybe he invented the job as a cover up for his feeling of inadequacy. He is feeling he has failed you and he is lying to try and make things better but of course, as you and I know, it makes matters worse because there cannot be trust while the lying continues. I know his addiction will have knocked your self-esteem and confidence out of the window too but unfortunately (or fortunately) because you are the logical rational person in the relationship, it tends to come down to you to be the understanding one. I certainly agree that you could do with someone to support you on the ground. Is there a Gamanon near you or is there a counsellor you could talk to who has been recommended? I do think it is important to find a counsellor who will give you the right support because without knowledge of the addiction, I think they can drive up so many blind alleys and possibly make things worse.
6 months house arrest has put your spouse under your feet so you haven’t had any time for ‘you’. I know that the addiction to gamble divides families by feeding on lies and secrecy but do you have friends to talk to or a supportive family? Unfortunately unless people have lived with the addiction to gamble, their opinions can be very narrow and not supportive so personally I think it is best to ask for support while stating that you don’t want opinions.
I’m glad you wrote your post – I know how writing can get angry thoughts out, leaving space for thinking more clearly.
Please post again and ask any questions and I will do my best to support you
Velvet

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