[velvet]

<

Hello David and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Megz
I must have been writing at the same time as you. Please stick to one thread so that you can be found.
His wedding ring is seriously manipulative – I won’t write any more here until you have replied to my post on your main thread.
Never forget that you matter – you are a unique and special person and you will cope.
V

[velvet]

Hi Megz
It is so common for CGs to say that they didn’t belong in GA. As with all groups they are made up of different people so some fit and some do not – a CG looking for a reason to continue gambling will always be able to find fault.
Your husband is angry with you for not giving him money to indulge his addiction and I admire your determination not to do so. I know how hard it is to say ‘no’ but giving money to a CG is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic.
Your husband tells lies like a child. Caught in his addiction he would have lied from his first gambling loss – ashamed and confused by his action and his reaction to it, he would have lied to deflect questions. As adults we don’t expect blatant lies from our loved ones and tend to back off, the obvious lie being incomprehensible. To the CG, however, the lie has succeeded and his/her addiction can see the way clear to greater opportunities – it is not slow in grabbing opportunity and grows at an alarming rate. The CG’s life becomes entangled with lies, each lie becoming bigger and more outrageous until the memory of the CG is based solely on lies and the lies become ‘their’ truth.
Something written many times to our CG members is that when everything they have tried has not succeeded, maybe it is time to try something different. Your husband has ‘tried’ GA, he has been to counsellors and excluded himself from OLG casinos but I think I would be right in saying he has not tried this site yet. We have terrific CG only groups where he would be welcome – the anonymity helps many CG to say that which they have not dared to say before. We have the CG forum and a helpline that is manned by a CG in control of his addiction, a dedicated counsellor and others experienced in this addiction. If you are worried that your husband would recognise you, or that he would endanger your support, we are able to make your thread invisible and you could use the F&F group which is completely private – nothing said in the group appears on the forum. The helpline is also there for you, one-to-one it is completely private. Your support is my first concern though, so whatever you decide to do, please make sure that you are ok.
I am pleased that family and friends know your husband has this addiction, I hope they are supporting you. In my opinion, those who have not lived with the addiction to gamble cannot fully understand how you feel, so I always suggest asking family and friends for support and not opinions which are often of little help. If his friends have lost their money to him that is not your worry – to control his addiction he has to take responsibility for his actions. Clearing gambling debts is enablement and it only serves to alleviate his pressure so he can beg, borrow and steal again from the same people, to feed his addiction.
It is extremely difficult to control the addiction that your husband has the misfortune to own but it is possible. I am hoping that as he has made some efforts to change his life that he is receptive to walking another mile. Nothing you have said is unknown – however much you feel he is a lost cause, he can find his way.
Fighting is a waste of energy; it wears you out and achieves nothing, – only his addiction flourishes with every argument. I cannot tell you what to do but in my opinion it is good to tell a CG that you are seeking support for yourself – that you are taking the addiction seriously even if he is not.
Keep posting Megz, you are doing well even if you don’t feel it. There is much to learn that will help you and I will gladly walk with you for as long as you want me to do so.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Michelle
It would be naïve to suggest that people don’t fall out of love but when the addiction to gamble is in the equation it is impossible to fathom what is in the CG mind; I can only offer that which I know through experience or knowledge of the addiction.
It appears your partner is fully indulging his addiction and, therefore, not thinking logically or reasonably. With logic and reason he could maybe understand that his lack of responsibility and poor addictive behaviour is to blame for his daughter not being under his roof – but without logic or reason, who is his addictive mind to blame that his relationship is broken and he is feeling unhappy? I suggest that the feeling that he despises you comes from his need to blame you and I believe it is so important that you know that you are not to blame.
I see little point in telling him you have sought legal advice, unless you intend to follow through with action. Until you know what it is that you really want to do and you are ready for the consequences of your action, I don’t believe in saying something that sounds threatening.
I cannot tell you what to do, even though I believe I understand exactly where you are at this time, because making your own decisions is a major part of your recovery. Of course I believe a father should pay maintenance but I too recognise that a father, who is a CG, would probably gamble rather than pay and could lose his job. As a mother, I would also prefer to collect my child than to risk her being left to a gambling urge.
I suggest that when he says he is moving on it might confuse his addiction if you tell him that you understand and you wish him well but to please include his daughter in his plans. .
There is a possibility that your partner’s addiction has to take him all the way down before he tackles his demons and there is a strong argument that it is better to let him fall – I certainly don’t think that preventing the fall for a CG helps them.
I hope these thoughts do help – I still have my thinking cap on but sadly when the addiction to gamble is smack in the middle of a relationship, there can be no guarantee of a good outcome. What is important is that you recover from the misery of the experience and that your daughter is safe and well.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Meg
‘Enough’ does happen but I couldn’t tell you when – it happens to CGs too and they can and do change their lives, if it wasn’t so I would be writing to you.
Nothing you have written surprises me; it is the behaviour of a person with an active gambling addiction. Maybe the reason you have not summoned the courage to leave is because in spite of everything you love him and there is no shame in that.
I will assume therefore that, for now, you want to stay and you want a change.
Does your husband accept that he has a gambling problem? Has he ever sought help?
Most CGs (compulsive gamblers) do not appreciate the strain they put on those who love them – in fact while they are deep in the addiction they do not care. In my opinion, therefore, it is good to tell a CG that you are seeking support for ‘you’. Many CGs object to their loved ones seeking help because the addiction to gamble, being secretive and divisive and depending on enablement, doesn’t want those around them to have a knowledge that will deplete it’s power. Anything that depletes the power of the addiction, however, is good and right for you.
I do believe that it is important to point CGs in the direction of help and to that end I often suggest printing off the Gamblers Anonymous (GA) 20 questions which you can get on your search engine and leave them around for your husband to see – I say ‘leave them around’ because handing them to him would probably result in another fruitless argument which helps nobody.
Because I am not sure whether your husband is in denial of his addiction or not I will leave this first post for now. Please post again soon – the second post is always easier than the first – well done for starting your thread.
Velv et

[velvet]

Hi Michelle
I found your post completely fluent and I’m glad you have started a thread.
Even with an enabling mother, there is always hope Michelle – she just makes it harder.
As I have said to you, nothing I think or say is judgemental; I am just trying to find another way forward for you. I am wondering if it was your choice or your partners that you went out when he came to see you daughter. I know that anger and exasperation makes those who love CGs avoid the CG because they are fed up with hearing the same old excuses as to why there is no money but maybe this was a time that you could share news of your daughter’s achievements – not her distress. In other words lighten the atmosphere and help him to be more receptive to what you may want to say in the future.
When my CG had completed his programme in the Gordon House rehab I found the strangest thing was that he had to learn to trust me. Why wasn’t it his job to win my trust, after all ‘I had done nothing wrong’? I learned to listen because before he made the leap of faith to live gamble-free I had long-stopped listening, I had heard every excuse and given up all hope of ever believing him and I imagine that is where you are now.
Not only is your partner hiding behind his mother’s skirt he is still drivelling out the same old ‘can’t afford it’ excuses and being unreliable – all of which point to an addiction that is active but just maybe he does want to change.
Unfortunately, even though it is understandable, friends and family make unhelpful suggestions and offer little constructive support. They are only reacting to what they see happening to the person they love but these opinions help nobody. Your partner has an addiction that he didn’t ask for or want and, in my view, we are all blessed/lucky that we do not share that addiction; I appreciate for you to feel like this, however, will take a very long time and for many friends and family – never.
Your partner feels himself to be a failure and all his present behaviour is amplifying that belief. His addiction is responsible for his child’s unhappiness but instead of putting it right, he has run away and is making it worse – his addicted brain will be thriving on his failure. Something has to change and if he is not ready, willing or able (and you love him) then perhaps the change has to come from you.
If it was me, and believe me I appreciate how hard this is, I would ask for a visit, not because your daughter is distressed but because she wants to show him something, tell him about her day share a secret. I would encourage him to see his daughter is growing up and doing ok, under your parentage, rather than struggling. I wouldn’t go out but stay to ensure a happy time for both of them. I realise this feels like removing responsibility for the pain he is causing but all the anger so far has changed nothing. I also wouldn’t tell your daughter too far ahead of any possible meeting, as each failure to turn up on his part adds to her distress – he will undoubtedly let you down a few more times yet.
I cannot offer any guarantees but I am convinced that stuck in a cycle we change nothing – it has become a way of life and I wouldn’t be surprised if you thought I was off my head suggesting what appears to be a way-out for him. A way-out is often what we all need, however, bad behaviour doesn’t get better unless it is treated.
He possibly will see a pattern, (his addiction will certainly hope for it) – all he has to do is behave himself for a while and everything will go back to the way it was and he will be able to indulge his addiction. I believe from your post and having ‘spoken to you’ that this is not the case this time – this time it is all about a 4 year old dependent child and that belief in itself will give you a backbone of steel.
I often see a tug-of-war between an enabling parent and the partner of the child – I don’t think you will ever win with anger, which plays into his mother’s hands. Keeping him in his addiction is just that – ‘keeping him’ and it isn’t a right or healthy relationship but it is something you can never tell him. My CG told me that as long as I enabled he could not/would not have had the courage to face his demons. I believe, therefore, that for you to win it is best to find another way to skin the monkey.
I hope some of this helps – please keep posting, talk to our helpline. I promise to keep thinking too.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Rose
Looking for support for yourself, just like you postponing/cancelling your wedding, are just further excuses for his addiction to blame.
Although it is not recognized professionally many of us have used the following coping method to deal with deflection when dealing with the addiction to gamble.
Imagine your partner’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten that addiction it stays quiet. Your partner is controlled by that addiction – you are not.
His addiction is the master of threats and manipulation which you are not and nor do you want to be. When you threaten his addiction, such as seeking support to help you cope, the beast comes between you and controls the conversation turning it into an argument that suits his personal perception. Having got you into an argument, that ‘you’ didn’t want, you will hear only lies, deceit and blame as your partner’s addiction seeks to demoralize you. When you speak to your partner, the addiction beast distorts your words and he will not comprehend your meaning.
My CG explained it to me the following way: His addiction had made him truly believe that he was an unlovable, worthless failure so when I was pleading with him and telling him that if he stopped lying and live honestly, he would be happy, his distorting addiction was twisting my words telling him I was a liar. Deep in his misery he felt lost and afraid, and fought back with the chosen weapons of his addiction – namely blame, lies and deceit because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism..
I believe F&F waste valuable time ‘wanting’ to believe that the CG they love is telling the truth and that ‘this’ time, maybe, he/she is different. I think it is good, although difficult, to not ‘try’ and believe the CG because in doing so you become receptive. If you can stand back a bit and listen to what your partner is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you.
By looking after you first you will become stronger, you will reclaim your own life and be able to cope with your children and make the right decisions for your relationship. One of the best ways to win is not to play the game.
Many CG do not find their recovery in GA but there are other ways for him to seek support. We have a terrific helpline on this site, manned by a CG who lives in control of his addiction and a dedicated counsellor. Maybe you could ask your partner to talk to our helpline and ask them, as a third party, what they think about you seeking support or postponing your wedding It is anonymous and one-to-one so he has nothing to lose. We also have CG only groups and the CG forum ‘My Journal’ where he would be welcome – again anonymous.
Controlling the addiction to gamble is tough but he can do it and live a terrific life in control of his own life.
I hope some of this helps but please keep posting – I believe writing our thoughts down is one of the best therapeutic things we can do.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Rose
I heard nothing selfish in you post at all but I hope that writing a journal on here will help you be surer of what you want and more importantly what is right for you and your family. I remember only too well how my feelings changed on a daily basis but I believe you shouldn’t worry about being stuck in your thoughts and actions – it is better to stand still at such times until you know which way forward ‘you’ really want to go.
Your partner didn’t want on ask for his addiction any more than you did. He is not a happy person because, unlike you, he is controlled by an addiction that determines how he will think and what he will do – you are not controlled by his addiction, although it is affecting your life.
If you have times when conversation is not about gambling, it is good to talk about the great times you had when he was not gambling and how happy you and the children were. Remind him how important he is to his family. Remind him about his hobbies, days out, fun times and the times you laughed together. It is quite normal to think about walking away and it probably is the easier option but it is tough bringing up children on your own and if he can pull himself together and take control of his addiction, it would probably be better for all of you.
Does he know that you are seeking support? Maybe it would do him good to realise that you are taking the situation seriously even if he is not. Maybe he should know that it is tough for you but you are willing to walk the extra mile ‘if he will walk with you’.
Splitting in the hope of seeing change often doesn’t work – his addiction is the master of threats which you are not. His addiction doesn’t like being dictated to but there are coping methods to help you deal with it. His addiction has taken your special day away but it need not have taken your future. You haven’t said in your post whether you still love him or not – I know how hard it is to love someone with an active addiction but If you do love him maybe you want to try something different – just as he needs to.
Whatever happens you will probably harbour resentment for quite a long time but time can erase that resentment, he can change.
It will be great to communicate with you in real time, I have a group on Tuesdays 20.00 – 21.00 hours UK time and although I will never tell you what to do – because all decisions you make have to be ‘yours’, I will answer your questions honestly. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum. You will be most welcome.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Rscs and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Rose
You have done everything right and I am glad that you have found our forum.
I cannot tell you what to do Rose but with knowledge of your partner’s addiction I hope you will find you can make the right decisions for you, your children and your partner.
I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and terrific lives lived as a result so I certainly would never suggest the breaking up of a family. It would help to know a bit more about you both Rose. For instance, does he acknowledge he has a gambling problem; are there gambling debts; do you have a supportive family; when he went to GA did he stop gambling?
I will leave it there and await a further post from – but meanwhile, over this Easter weekend, I hope you find some assurance in the knowledge that you are understood.
There will always be someone listening, so just post – the first post is always the hardest and you have done that so well done.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Rose

Unfortunately I didn’t see your post until I came to close my computer for the night. I will post to you tomorrow but I just wanted to let you know that you had been heard.

Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Rose

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Anna
Thank you for your post, I hope you will use this forum for any support you may want with your boyfriend’s addiction.
As a site we cannot comment on drugs making people susceptible to impulse control issues – such comments should only be directed to medical professionals.
The issues you and Nomore have raised are not new and the GT team is aware of them, they are often raised on the site – I hope, therefore, you will appreciate that we cannot endorse such discussions because speculating without the required medical expertise and knowledge would be wrong..
Please keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear San
You are certainly having a really tough time, it is hard to hear the commonsense part of your brain talking when you are feeling so low but hear it you should.
Of course those horrible words said to you are not true. Your son’s addiction is incredibly nasty and he isn’t thinking logically, rationally or with any empathy or thought for anybody else but himself. He doesn’t know how to empathise; it doesn’t suit his addiction to care for you but for all that (and hard as it is to believe) your son is still in there somewhere, the son who does love you.
You are possibly the closest target, the one he has leant on before and succeeded in turning to his addiction’s advantage – you will always be worth another try until he faces what he has become. I firmly believe that one day he will wake up and get the help he deserves.
I am glad you have left your phone turned off, in a drawer – you don’t need to hear his addiction spewing its false accusations, you deserve as much rest, care and patience as is possible at this time.
Hospital trips for radiotherapy and chemotherapy are very wearing and demoralising I know, I hope the treatment will soon be complete and your partner on his way to good health – you both deserve so much more.
Sending you both every good wish
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Linda
I see nothing for you to regret.
You did do your best and it was good enough but if your bf is an active CG it would not have been the enablement his addiction demands.
You could be right in all your thinking but of course I cannot comment on that which I don’t know. Keep up your standards and your goals and you will find someone worthy of your love.
If he is embroiled in addiction your bf will not appreciate your care at the moment – but if/when he changes his life he will be glad that you are not part of the wreckage that he will struggle with. I have seen the guilt caused by an addiction and it is terrible for a CG to live with, so go and have a good life and use this experience to make life better for you and those you are yet to meet.
Well done coming her and sharing your story
Velvet

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