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Hello Viper and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties youre currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if youre new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. Were in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like youre not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
And on that note….
Im going to hand you over to our community because Im sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Liam
The above is our official welcome but I wanted to give you a personal welcome too.
Your 30s seems an excellent time to grab your addiction by its throat and shake the energy from it – and you have, in my opinion, made the best move towards achieving your goal.
I wish you well on the GMA programme, thanks to the fantastic work they do my CG turned his life around so I know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled.
The peace you want takes a little time to achieve but you are so right that with hard work it is do-able and a gamble-free life is there for you to enjoy to the full.
I will follow your progress, so please keep posting – well done.
Velvet<
Hello Liam and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties youre currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if youre new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. Were in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like youre not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
And on that note….
Im going to hand you over to our community because Im sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Michelle
I hope that there are some plans in place for tomorrow – if you have any thoughts that you want to push around you know where I am.
It will be difficult for you having time off on your daughter’s birthday if your partner is going to take her out, without you – I suspect the time will drag, so I am with you on the thought that spending the time together would be better – especially for birthday girl. My thought is that gambling is not up for discussion and anger needs to be capped however hard that is – I am sure you are already in agreement with this as I know she comes first with you.
I hope that whatever happens your daughter has a lovely day – at her age, every day should be lovely.
Speak soon
VHi Charlster
Thank you for listening to me. First thing this morning, before I went out for the day, I looked to see if you had posted and your words made my day.
Being called inspirational is obviously much nicer than being called a plonker but it can place a degree of responsibility on the person being so-called – and this is not the time for you to be taking responsibility for the lives of others. You are here because you realised that your addiction is ruining your life – it takes guts and determination to fight that addiction and you need all your energy to do so.
You are not a fraud when you support others – it is good to share a tough time with those who are walking the same road as you. It doesn’t do you any harm provided you allow others to help you as well, especially the ones holding the light up so you can see the potholes.
I will leave it there but suffice it to say I believe with my whole heart that you made the right decision and I couldn’t be more pleased. Of course there will be more ups and downs but together with the support of this community, the helpline and hopefully GMA we will be smiling together one day and I will wait patiently until that time.
VelvetDear Charlster
I hope you will reconsider – maybe take a break but leave your thread to come back to when your determination to change kicks in again – and it will.
You were laying the foundation for a gamble-free life but there is so much more for you to learn. Those who care for you want longer with you; those who can help you control your addiction need time to support you and give you the tools to achieve that which really is possible.
I’m sorry you have struggled with being called a role model; I know it can be hard when you are muddling along with everybody else. Your terrific support for others seems to have blurred your own fight to live gamble-free – so forget talk of inspiration etc., stick with us as a fellow member, build on that which you have already achieved and grab all the help and support that you can.
My words are not flowing and I apologise – you matter Charlster and I have not forgotten how much I wanted to know the time when you wanted to smile more. I was more than willing to wait for that smile because I knew it would take time. If I didn’t know that such a day would come I would not have bothered to write to you – I would not be writing now. I see the CG in my life smiling so I know your smile is achievable and it also means I know that you are wrong – the nightmare is not inevitable – you are not powerless, you are in need of more support and it is here and it is in GMA.
Walk with us for the extra mile – I walked that extra mile for someone a few years ago and it was the best thing I ever did.
My thoughts are with you
VelvetHi Michelle
Has a time been fixed for Friday? Assuming he turns up I suggest that you wish him a happy time with his daughter and perhaps say that ‘if he must gamble, do not leave his daughter outside as it is too dangerous’. In other words, you will be reasonable if he looks after your daughter because she is your sole concern.
Hope to speak to you again soon
VHi Jordan
You are hanging in and doing well.
Many CGs accept the word ‘problem’ but pull back from ‘addiction’. Here in the F&F forum we use ‘addiction’ more freely because in my opinion, it is better to accept it for what it is. The jump for a CG to admit they have an addiction is often the turning point but if your wife is not at that stage I think it is good, for now, for you to accept that she is agreeing to a problem.
You have stood up to her addiction and told her that you don’t think it is a good idea that she goes to a gambling tournament and true to form her addiction kicked in and fought back. Of course a slot tournament will not help and if it was me I would suggest to her before she goes that it is a really bad idea. However if her addiction is really determined there is little, or nothing, you can say will stop her going. Hopefully she will have heard your warning even though her addiction is telling her you don’t know what you are talking about – her addiction is telling her that this time she will win. It is a tough call Jordan – but in my view you have to allow her to fall.
The difference in your relationship now is that you are aware of her addiction in a way you were not before and her addiction is more wary of you but that is good – she might believe she can fool you some of the time but she will begin to realise she cannot fool you all of the time. To me it says you are standing beside her to help he fight her demons and not against her but she will not and cannot appreciate it yet.
I have re-read you thread and I cannot see the age of your son so I am not able to comment on whether you should talk to him or not. I also think it depends on the maturity and emotional stability of the child – it very important how the subject is dealt with. My firm view is that the only one that matters with this discussion is the child and the CG’s interest is secondary. We have a terrific member who is the child of a CG and I am hoping she will see your thread. As an adult she is able to help us understand how it was to have a CG parent.
I will leave it there for now – you are getting a lot of information thrown at you and I know how hard it is to take it all in – eventually though I believe clarity will come.
VelvetHi Jason
I have just re-read Vera’s terrific post – it is brutally honest and I think gives plenty food for thought. I think it is the beauty of this site that we can see both sides of the coin in a spirit of helpfulness and without rancour.
The only thing I want to clarify is when she says that ‘nothing’ you do will stop your wife gambling. This might sound like picking at words but I hope I make sense. You cannot stop your wife gambling but you can do things to support her so that stopping gambling is a better way forward for her.
If you are dragged down by an addiction then you become impotent – you become a victim just like your loved one. By refusing to be dragged down, by learning about the addiction, by never sinking to manipulation or threats, by continuing to be honest and unafraid you will not become part of the wreckage of her addiction. She doesn’t want to destroy you but her addiction will do so if you ‘allow’ it.
She can change – she possibly doesn’t know how to or where to go for support but you are learning and you can give her direction – once you are strong again. I don’t know what your outcome will be but whatever it is, it is important you survive and survive well and by that I mean a stronger person who can take this miserable experience and turn it into one of the greatest educations.
I was lower than a wimp; I was a blob whose personality had been extracted over years of unwittingly living with the addiction to gamble. Loved or loathed now, I am no longer that blob. You are not unwitting – you cannot save your wife but you can make a difference.
VelvetHi Jordan
I will go back to what you asked in your earlier post and hopefully help you make the right decisions for yourself. You asked “I was going to buy her a gift today just to show her that she needs to be here. Nothing big, just some flower or something. Is this ok or not worth the time”
Such a simple act that has a great meaning for you – but what is the meaning for her. There is no single answer that anyone else should give you but you will know the answer once you have greater knowledge of her addiction.
Your wife’s addiction has nothing to do with money – it is everything to do with the gamble. As non-CGs we find this hard to get our heads around as it is the money that we see going in and out and it is that which we understand – but If the money comes out of the equation we are still left with unacceptable behavior. I have brought my thread entitled ‘The F&F Cycle” up for you which I hope will help you determine the pattern on behavior that you are in – unless one person breaks the cycle it will go on ad infinitum. However, this does not mean that I am suggesting you leave your wife or that you stay – that decision comes later and will always be yours.
So what does giving her flowers mean to you? They are tokens of love and appreciation but what do you hope for when you give them – a smile, a hug a return of affection, a thank you. Wanting a good reaction is something that you need to weigh up because a bad reaction causes a set-back to your well-being and I am afraid that a ‘thank you’ (as with ‘I’m ‘sorry)’ have little meaning from an active CG
Your wife wants money to gamble; money has no consequence for her, it is only the essential tool of her addiction. My CG saw all my gifts as something to sell but flowers are not like that. So it is something to weigh up Jordan and maybe post her reaction – there is never any judgment here.
I know you have been reading the forum and you may have come across the analogy of the ‘addiction beast’ but I will post it to you anyway because although It isn’t recognized professionally it is a brilliant method used by many of us at the beginning or our recovery to help us cope.
Imagine your wife’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten her addiction it stays quiet. Never forget that she is controlled by that addiction – you are not.
Her addiction is the master of threats and manipulation – you are not and nor do you want to be. When you threatened her addiction, by telling her that you were seeking support here to help you cope, the beast came between you and turned what you had said to suit her personal perception – she called your getting support a ‘joke’ and told you to leave. She didn’t really hear what you said because her addiction distorted your meaning and in turn you only heard her addiction as it sought to demoralise you.
Because the life of a CG is riddled with failure the addiction has a ready mind to distort.
My CG explained to me what happened when I tried to reason with him: His addiction had caused him to truly believe that he was unlovable and a worthless failure so when I was pleading with him and telling him that if he stopped lying and lived honestly, he would be happy, his distorting addiction was twisting my words telling him I was a liar. Deep in his misery he felt lost and afraid, and fought back with the chosen weapons of his addiction – namely blame, lies and deceit because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism..
I think it is good, although difficult, to try ‘not’ to believe your wife’s words because in doing so you become receptive. If you can stand back a bit and listen to what she is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into. Having said all that, I think you did well telling her you were getting support, the knowledge would do her no harm – secrecy is the currency of her addiction – it is not your chosen way to live.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you.
By looking after you first you will become stronger, you will reclaim your own life and be able to cope and make the right decisions for your relationship. One of the best ways to win is not to play the game.
Keep posting Jordan – I promise you it does get clearer. Instead of trying to make sense of the senseless, put yourself first and if you give flowers, be ready in your own mind to cope with whatever reaction there is.
Velvet
