[velvet]

Hi Happy
Behind every username there is a live person – really. When you go into your group, just imagine the other members are your friends here – all anxious to hear ‘your’ story and to support you. A stranger is just a friend you don’t know – yet.
Saying who you are out loud will be a relief – I remember when I went to Gamanon for the first time and heard myself speak it was almost as though I hadn’t known who I was before – it was amazing.
I look forward to hearing how you got on
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Maverick
With so many whys it is clear, to me, why you applied to GMA.
There is an escape from the nightmare or you would not be getting the encouragement that you are.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Magnus
and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Lorraine
It would seem that it would have been easier for him to say, “Hey Lorraine ,good to see you can you join me for a coffee, and hey see you tonight”.
What it says to me Lorraine, is that the man who behaves like this is not in a good place. His selfishness overrode his performing a simple act of kindness, goodwill and plain good manners. However he is only one man and it doesn’t matter who we are, we all met such people in our lives. Yes it hurts – but how much more important it is not to let it affect us and what we are trying to achieve. Are you saying his poor behaviour stopped you going to GA?
Just a thought but maybe his behaviour towards you and your subsequent feelings could have been raised at the meeting. I don’t think that empathy can be taught but maybe you would help him by letting him know his behaviour was unacceptable –that he had hurt you with his thoughlessness. No, you can’t change him or anyone else but yourself – but if he walks away oblivious to your hurt then he has learned nothing.
Its good to see you posting again. It’s been a long time since I met you in a group.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Geordie
I couldn’t close my computer down without saying how pleased I am that your mother is back on the orthopaedic ward.
This was a terrific post Geordie and must have taken a lot of energy to write – I hope you are able to rest tonight knowing that your mother is recovering.
I am sure your mother would want you to bury deeply the bad memories you describe. She sounds a loving mother who would want you to live free of guilt about behaviour bought on by an addiction that you never asked for – the greatest pleasure you can give her, must be to see you living gamble-free and you are doing that.
I hope to hear that your mam continues to recover well and is soon home.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Charlster
I think you shone at your interview because at last you have stopped in your tracks and taken an inventory of your life. It looked pretty ghastly but instead of indulging in that which you had always done you have chosen a different route, you are seeking another way.
I cannot believe that anybody going on the GMA programme would not be afraid of the unknown and I don’t think anyone can allay that fear completely for you– but GMA exists to give CGs the chance to live in control of their addiction and you want to live in control of your addiction – I cannot see that as a gamble.
I am not a CG Charlster and I know you are not low life. It will be so much easier to put confused and baffled people straight once you have fought and won your battle, I would like to see someone find a pigeon-hole that you will fit into then.
You will not spend the rest of your life telling everybody that you have a gambling addiction – at the moment it is better that those who affect your life and whose lives you affect, do know – some will try and understand, some will not. Forget the ones that will not, they are probably worrying about something else in their own lives – you know what you are doing and that is all that matters.
I know I haven’t been in your shoes but I really do appreciate how hard it must be to put yourself on the line when the sheer nature of your addiction is to be secret. It must feel demeaning and I salute you for all you are doing. You will possibly have things thrown back at you again in your life but it will be easier to ride the storm when you are in control of your life.
Believe me there are many people prepared to listen – you just haven’t met us all yet
Velvet

[velvet]

There is one other version and I like very much

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the thing that I can
And Wisdom to know it is me.
Goodnight
V

[velvet]

Hi Michelle
Sometimes I think it is difficult to differentiate between the selfish, destructive behaviour that comes with the gambling addiction and the behaviour of incredibly, thoughtless selfish people who seem to walk through life causing chaos and then walking away to the next ‘best thing’. The addiction to gamble can be controlled – yes they do cause chaos and they often walk away from relationships, for enablement, when the going gets tough – but there are also many people who leave relationships and children because they are not getting what ‘they’ want and the other man’s grass looks greener. I do hear the compulsive gambler in your partner but I can’t help wondering which came first – the selfish man who became a CG or a CG whose addiction has made him selfish – one, in my opinion, can be treated, the other I am not so sure, especially with an enabling mother. Whatever the outcome of all this, his behaviour in front of a 4 year old in the park is not acceptable.
I still believe that angry confrontation with him will only wear you out and not make a scrap of difference to him – I prefer the ‘softly softly catches monkey’ approach although that is not always possible, nor is it everybody’s way. ‘If’ he does want to change and have his daughter in his life then he obviously has a lot of work to do but in the meantime I agree with you, I would try and avoid my child speaking on the phone to the person who has the potential to cause her pain. I would not voice an opinion about her father’s feeling towards her or tell her that he is due to visit or raise her hopes in any way about her relationship with him. I am sure you can distract her at bedtime when she is tired so that she goes to sleep with warm thoughts.
I am glad that you have talked to a friend – I think that keeping up appearances is very draining and you do need ‘on the ground’ support.
My remit with GT is the addiction to gamble but as a mother/wife and human of course I see things on the wider scale. I hope that you will join me this evening so that we can talk more freely.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Maverick
I can hear good in your life Maverick. I can hear a man who wants to change and it takes a courageous man to want to do that. Of course it takes courage, courage that you already have but didn’t know how to tap in to before.
I understand you wanting to cancel everything but – and it is a big BUT – you are not going to cancel because you are doing the right thing – you are giving yourself a chance to live as you have never lived before. Think about it – a gamble-free life – it is within your grasp.
Imagine for a second cancelling GMA – nothing would change, the addiction that has brought you to this point would have won again – an addiction that you don’t want, an addiction that hates you. Don’t imagine it for long Maverick – it is not a pretty picture,
Never mind how you became so addicted that you didn’t stop last year – today is all that matters and today you are going the right way.
I am so looking forward to your progress; of course it is hard, nobody ever said it would be easy. I think it would be strange if you were not scared – I took my CG to GMA a few years ago and I know how scared he was. Put your trust in those who are looking out for you, hold the hands of those who care for you in cyber space –we are real people even if we only appear as words on a page.
You can change your life Maverick, you have the ability to do so and you have the offer of support to help you achieve that which you want.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Jordan
Beware of highs before there has been a very long term commitment to a recovery. Possibly you were reaching your wife, it is probably impossible to tell – but that in itself is not enough to believe that her addiction is being controlled. Abstinence is not recovery – what was she doing that gave you hope?
I was hoping when you read all your replies that you would understand that your wife does not deliberately seek to hurt you, she is not in control of her life and at the moment, she is not hearing your words as you mean them.
It is difficult when a CG is earning a lot of money for them to realise what their addiction is doing to their minds, often they lose their jobs as a result of their addiction and that is often the best thing that can happen. It might well be that as long as she has money to ‘throw around’ she will not be ready to accept she has lost control. If her behaviour in other ways is causing disruption and misery to her son and to you, those are the issues to be tackled. Tell me about her behaviour other than the gambling. Does she get angry, does she lie about things for not reason at all, does she look after her friends, is she good at her job, is she a good mother?
How have you got on treating her addiction as a beast? Have you stood back and listened to her rather than telling her what she needs to do? My CG informed me that when I telling him what ‘he needed’ to do I was talking about my needs – he said it was ‘my need’ that wanted him to change but that in his world he ‘needed’ to gamble – so my words were wasted. Understanding the addiction will help you cope.
Keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Maria and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Geordie.
Keep holding that light up at the end of the tunnel – life can be a gloomy prospect without hope and your post is full of positive thought, hope and brightness for those who want to use it to light their way.
So keep posting. I know only too well that life is not a bed of roses but it beats snuffling round in the compost. Your knee will get better, you will find a better place to live and you will enjoy every aspect of your life more for living gamble-free.
Brilliant post – a joy to read, thank you
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Bii
Welcome from me to Gambling Therapy
The only reason I suggest that yelling, anger, pleading, etc. is not the way forward with a CG, is because it doesn’t touch the CG mind in a way that makes any difference – the only thing that such behaviour definitely does do, is to wear out the person trying to live with the CG at a time when they need their wits about them. Only a saint would not feel anger when they are the unwitting pawns of this addiction.
My reason for being in this forum is to support those affected by the addiction to gamble, not to make it easier for a CG to continue in his/her own sweet way. My salvation came from gaining knowledge of the addiction which helped me and ‘yes’ ultimately it did support my CG but at that time his well-being was secondary to mine.
A CG will blame those who love them, saying they don’t understand, or they can’t handle stress – and these are only 2 excuses out of thousands that a CG will give as to why they have to gamble.
I agree with you that your husband did steal from you, however, your husband does not see money as you and I do – to him it is a means to an end – a means to gamble because the ‘gamble’ is all important. As soon as he had the money it was doomed to be lost because the nature of the addiction is that the CG cannot walk away from a gamble until everything is gone. It is my belief that trying to make sense of this senselessness is not worth the effort but accepting that this is a recognised, real and terrible addiction is, I believe, important for the well-being and understanding of the CG and those who love them.
When your husband first gambled, (as most of us will have done at sometime because it is harmless, fun thing to do), he didn’t know that addiction was waiting for him; if he had known he would never have placed that first bet, bought a lottery or raffle ticket or played cards for pennies. CGs want to gamble responsibly, they want to go to Vegas, or be in a pub where there are people loading money into slot machines – they want to join in the firm’s sweepstake for the Grand National or place a small bet on the outcome of a football match, they wants to be one of the crowd – they doesn’t want to be different – but different they are and sadly for them, it is for life.
Of course you can express your utter disappointment with him but it will not affect him as much as the utter disappointment he feels in himself but cannot express. He owns an addiction that causes him to feel a failure, which destroys his self-esteem and confidence. Your husband will undoubtedly be unhappy, lonely and severely depressed.
I am interested to read that your husband did seek help which implies he was aware that he has a problem – unfortunately it seems he didn’t get the support he needed and is now therefore possibly in denial. We offer on this site a terrific helpline, facilitated CG only groups and a CG forum; there are fantastic GA groups to be found and dedicated addiction counsellors and therapists – maybe he could be directed towards ‘good’ support
I am not surprised you are hurt – it is very hard not to take the dreadful behaviour towards you, personally – I know I did – but I wouldn’t be writing to you now if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled – never cured but completely controlled. It takes courage to tackle such an addiction; it takes knowledge and treatment and is best tackled with support. Only you can decide if you are prepared to give that support and only your husband can decide if he is ready to get that support.
There is an F&F group on Tuesdays 20.00-21.00 hours UK time when we can communicate in real time – nothing said in the group appears on the forum. In the group it is easier to talk freely – to have greater transparency and you will be welcome. Our helpline is also available to you.
I hope you will come back at me if there is anything I say that you disagree with – it took me months to begin to cope when I first sought support.
It is important to know what ‘you’ want because you matter. I don’t know what your outcome will be and I will not seek to influence you one way or the other – I only ask that you keep posting so that you can make informed decisions. Well done writing your first post.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Bii

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Charlster
In my opinion that is the best and most positive post you have ever written – you are putting your health and happiness before everything else.
Everything you do in life will be better when you have controlled your addiction so hearing you say you are going for it ‘hook line and sinker’ is brilliant – half measures will not do.
You have it within your grasp to be the man you want to be – I believe you will like him very much – I know I will.
Velvet

[Author]

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