[velvet]

Hi B
CG’s distort what is said to them but I completely agree that if someone is feeling worthless and that view is backed up by others it can never be good.
I am of the opinion that your father was right to tell him that his habit was hurting others because your son’s behaviour is unacceptable but I’m afraid that telling him to pull himself together would not have helped because he doesn’t know how.
He is young and hopefully has not sunk totally into his addiction – on the other hand he will not have had time to become really hurt by his actions. Enablement will feed your son’s addiction and I do hope you can stand strong against bailing him out – his addiction is incredibly manipulative and your resolve will be tested.
I look forward to your update.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Charlester.
Keep calm and gamble-free, just as you have been doing and you will be fine.
I cannot think of a better way to spend your birthday.
My thoughts are with you
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Brunotax
In my opinion you have turned to the right place but please tell us more about yourself and your partner.
CGs (compulsive gamblers) do lie. They lie when their addiction takes hold of their lives to cover up the shame of their losses, losses which give them a deep sense of failure. Having lied and got away with it once it becomes a way of life. A CG’s memory is usually very poor as their minds are active with addiction 24 hours a day – lying becomes second nature so that when they try and remember anything, their memories are befuddled with untruths – their lies have become their truth.
I would never suggest to you that you leave your partner or that you stay with him. – I do hope that you will give yourself some time with this forum until you know what it is that ‘you’ want to do. Your partner can change his life, if it wasn’t so I wouldn’t be writing to you.
Please tell us more so that you can be supported in the way you deserve. Knowledge of his addiction will give you power over it.
Well done writing your first post
Velvet

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Dear Bettie
Well you said it Bettie and you are not dead!
What would you feel if you were in a meeting and someone else ‘confessed’ – would you reject them? Everybody in the group is there because they want to stop an unhappy addiction hurting their lives – just like everybody here. Nobody should be sticking their heads in the sand and pretending it is easy – if they are they have not accepted the strength of this compulsion.
You ‘knew’ you could come here and you knew you would not be rejected and yet this site is, made up of members of all shapes, sizes, colours and creeds, united by one goal, just like a very, very large GA group
You have been having a rotten time health-wise but your knee is now done and your dental treatment is past. So physically, although you are suffering with some after pain from the procedures, which will diminish, you are free to look at and do something about the mental anguish you are putting yourself through and you are doing it to yourself.
Can you lick it again? Sure you can and what is more you know how.
Keep posting Bettie, you have been missed and I think many members would have thought you were fine. To hear that you are unhappy is not what is wanted but to reject you for a slip – well you knew that would not happen. Frequent your thread and leave the slot cafes to others.
I’m glad you knew you would be safe here
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi B
I have missed you recently. You have popped up on San’s thread and got me wondering how you are too.
An update would be very, very welcome
V

[velvet]

Dear Kpat
If ever there was a post to make me want to take to the waterways and sail, it was this one. It sounds wonderful.
This is a terrific post for you to flag and look back on if ever you feel you are flagging.
I am patching my lawn today to repair some of the divots our over enthusiastic Labrador sends flying into the air when she chases her ball – I will now think of your safely in your boat, enjoying your gamble-life and that will make me smile.
Velvet

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Hi Adam
Testing your addiction implies you are not accept its capabilities. You are making ‘mind bets’ and mind bets are a way to remain in the action – it is called dry-gambling and it can hurt you so please be careful.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Bonhonnie
Your husband sounds great. Mine struggled but never gave up supporting me – I did Gamanon, an addiction counselling course and finally became a facilitator on this site whilst telling my husband what I was doing every step of the way – without realising it, he became very knowledgeable. Your reactions were very much like ours.
I hope it helps to know that your son is not deliberately hurting you – he didn’t want his addiction anymore than you. At some point he would have gambled for fun as most people do but unfortunately for him addiction was waiting and it doesn’t include ‘fun’.
You son’s addiction will almost certainly have most, if not all, the symptoms that are recognised but he is ‘your’ son and this is your life, so I am not opting out when I say I cannot tell you what to do – I can only support with the knowledge and experience I have, which is greatly enhanced by having a CG who is willing and able to help me understand.
I won’t flood you with suggestions because we are obviously still learning to understand each other but my first question is – has your son ever sought help for his addiction? If he hasn’t then maybe you could print off the Gamblers Anonymous 20 questions which you can get off the net. Either ask him to read them or leave them where can hr see them. It is quite common that CGs are not aware that their difficulties are recognised and that they don’t know that help is available – the 20 questions can help them to focus. Handing them to your son might cause an argument; I think it is quite good to leave them where he will find them. I also know that he can screw them up and throw them away but I also know he might dig them out again and re-read them.
Your main question is difficult. I spent 25 years doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons and I was doing the same as you are doing now, so if I say that paying his car insurance and letting him live rent-free is the same as paying his gambling debts I am not judging. My CG has now told me that as long as I enabled he had no reason to change.
I know what these words will do to you BUT, and it is a big but, I didn’t know what was wrong, I had no idea about addiction, never mind gambling – you are gaining a knowledge that his addiction does not know you have – you are able to be the rock that I was not.
I am leaving you with a few questions before I sign off tonight – you don’t have to answer them but it helps to build up a picture. Does your son have siblings? Is his biological father involved with him and if so is he supportive? How old is your son? I will wait until I have more information from you before I suggest what you could possibly try.
You and your husband are doing well even if you don’t feel it.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi June
The addiction to gamble demands secrecy and those around it very often oblige unwittingly, thinking they are doing the right thing. You need good ‘on the ground’ support so, in my opinion, you should not panic about telling your friends and family about this problem.
In my experience people who have not lived with the addiction to gamble tend to struggle with understanding and as a result their opinions can be very narrow and not supportive. In view of that I believe it is best to tell others as a statement rather than asking for opinions. You are going to get your knowledge here and you can make your own informed decisions with that knowledge. At no time will it ever be suggested that you leave or to stay in your relationship – everything will be in your hands.
I hope it will ease the pain you are going to through to know that your boyfriend didn’t ask, or want this terrible addiction in his life, anymore than you. It is very unlikely that he has hurt you deliberately; far more that he has been swept along with an addiction that he doesn’t know how to control.
Sadly, without treatment your boyfriends’ addiction will get worse – it is quite likely that his addicted mind will be trying, even now, to work out how he can gamble the money back that he has lost – it is his only answer to devastating problems.
You don’t say what, if anything, your boyfriend has done to seek help for himself. Saying he is sorry will never be enough – he has to act positively to control his addiction. We have a brilliant Helpline, facilitated CG (compulsive gambler) groups, and ‘My Journal’ forum where he would be welcome and understood as those who do not share his addiction will probably never understand. The Helpline is there for you too. There are also many GA groups where he would be supported.
In the meantime I suggest you ask him to turn over all the finances to you, put everything in your name and ensure that pin numbers, etc. are safe. I suggest that you do tell him that you are seeking help, I think it is good for CGs to feel that their loved ones are on their side even though it will mean that enablement will cease.
‘Who you talk to’ is a difficult question. In my own experience and in the experience of many others, general counsellors did not offer any real support and certainly in my case, did more harm than good. The best support comes from dedicated addiction counsellors and therapists, Gamanon – which is the sister group of GA and obviously this site and all its services.
You and your recovery are so important at this time, not just for you but for your boyfriend as well. There is a lot more to tell you but I will leave it there and await your reply.
I know how hard it is to write the first post – so well done.
Velvet

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<

Hello Paul and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Bonhonnie
After a terrific reply from Worriedmum and a welcome from Harry, I am pleased to welcome you too, I hope you will soon know that you have come to the right place for you and ultimately for your son.
I am hoping that your husband is ready to support you through this because it is not an easy ride and your son’s addiction is divisive. I suggest keeping your husband informed of all you learn because the more knowledge you gain the easier it is to cope. Any questions he may have will of course be answered too.
Before I write anymore with what I know is a tough message, I must tell you that I would not be writing to you if I did not ‘know’ that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and that fantastic lives can and are lived as a result.
Conditions rarely work. My CG (compulsive gambler) told me that ‘my need’ was for him to stop lying and change, ‘his need’ was to gamble. I hope the following will help you understand what is happening when you talk to your son, although not recognised professionally it has been a coping mechanism for many of us – and I know it works.
Imagine your son’s addiction is a slavering beast in the corner of the room. Every time you speak to your son, his addiction is awake, poised and ready to jump – but as long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten it, it will stay in the corner, growling quietly – never forget, it is always there and listening.
The good news is that although your son is controlled by his addiction, you are not; you can gain knowledge and be one step ahead. When you threaten his addiction with conditions, it will leap between you and control the conversation, probably turning it into an argument. As Worriedmum wrote, his addiction is the master of threats and manipulation but you are not and nor do you want, or need, to be. Once the addiction beast is between you, you will not hear your son, you will only hear his addiction – and because it knows only lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. In turn, when you speak to your son, his addiction is distorting your words, drastically altering reality to fit his personal perception – he will not be able to comprehend your meaning.
My CG explained this to me. The addiction to gamble is an addiction of constant failure and misery so your son really believes he is completely worthless. Because he ‘knows’ he is no good, you must be lying when you tell him you love him, or that his life would be better if he stopped gambling – why would you love someone so worthless? Believing himself to be without worth your son will fight back with distortion and deception because sadly, at the moment, he doesn’t have or know any other coping mechanism.
In my opinion, you could be wasting valuable energy trying to believe that this time your son will be different. I believe it would be good, although really difficult, to try and ‘not’ believe him at the moment because in doing so you will become receptive. Stand back a bit and listen to what he is saying – hopefully it will become easier to stay out of an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side, the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
I know this all sounds quite negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you.
I cannot begin to tell you how important it is to look after yourself first and that by doing so, you will become stronger, you will reclaim your own life and be able to cope with this addiction. One of the best ways to win is not to play the game.
It will be great to communicate with you in real time. I cannot tell you what to do – because all decisions you make have to be ‘yours’ but I will answer your questions honestly. I have a group on Tuesdays between 20.00-21.00 UK time – it would be great to ‘meet’ you.
I will end this post by repeating my earlier message that I would not be writing to you now if I did not know that your son can control his addiction and can have a fantastic life as a result. You are at the beginning of a really difficult learning curve but you can do it and so can he. The more support you can give each other the better. There is so much more to tell you but I will leave it there for now.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi June
Very quickly – if you are reading this in real time I can communicate with you live at the moment. click on ‘Support Groups’ at the top, scroll down to Friends and Family in the purple bit and click on ‘join’. I am here until 21.00 UK time .
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Dear Charlster
Please talk to the helpline. I know that they will be in complete agreement with what this counsellor has said but it might help for you to hear more reasons why. I would also push past them your idea to begin a course of anti-depressants at this juncture.
I can hear your frustration – I know that waiting is hard and even more so for someone waiting to go into GMA, so please keep posting and use ‘all’ the support we can give – that is the first thing, I think, is worth a try.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Fritz
Hopefully this journal will help you spot the escalation of poor behaviours – when you have read it, get up and go out for a walk. Connect good behaviour with another good behaviour – just like bad behaviour; good behaviour multiplies too – if you allow them to do so. Stick notes on the fridge door reminding you to eat properly, put nasty tasting stuff on your fingernails. How about putting a positive message somewhere you look every day reminding you that you can succeed – I have one and I know it help.
Velvet

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