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Janelin puolesta. Miehesi voi todella muuttaa elämänsä. V

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Para Janel. Seu marido realmente pode mudar a vida dele. V

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Voor Janel. Je man kan zijn leven echt veranderen. V

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जेनेल के लिए। आपका पति वास्तव में अपना जीवन बदल सकता है। वी

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Til Janel. Din mand kan virkelig ændre sit liv. V

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Dėl Janelio. Jūsų vyras tikrai gali pakeisti savo gyvenimą. V

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Για την Τζάνελ. Ο σύζυγός σας μπορεί πραγματικά να αλλάξει τη ζωή του. V

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Hi Janel
The gradual dawning of your husband’s addiction is very familiar. I believe that all CGs start off innocently doing what so many others do without any harm, they can have no idea that addiction is waiting for them and it is not until they are in deep that those around them sense that all is not well. By then of course the CG has adopted a cycle of behaviour that feeds the addiction – they use lies and deceit to cover their actions in the hope that they can carry on as they been doing since their first loss – after all the big win must be on the way.
Non–CGs struggle with understanding the lack of logic and reason that comes with an addiction that losses money as a matter of course and much time and energy is wasted trying to make sense of the senseless. Compulsive gambling has nothing to do with money as non-CGs see it, money is only a means to an end – it is the actual ‘gamble’ that causes the damage and ruins the mind of the CG, not the loss of money. A CG will talk of ‘winning’ but there is no euphoria in the so-called win because it only excites the addicted brain, giving the CG the means to gamble more – until all is finally lost.
It is sad that the arrival of a baby does not stop a CG gambling but often speeds up the addiction as the CG struggles to cope with the responsibility of another life while feeling unable to control their own. I suspect you already feel you have 2 babies to care for and nobody to care about you and I am afraid that will continue until true change occurs.
I would not be writing to you now if I didn’t ‘know’ that the addiction to gamble can be controlled; your husband can change and live a very full and wonderful life – however a change is necessary and without it, his addiction will get worse.
I do not doubt that your husband is a good man; unfortunately he is a man with a terrible addiction and for a while anyway your future will be difficult. Don’t let his addiction steal ‘your’ beautiful memories of your daughter, if you allow that to happen the addiction will have gained another victim and I want you to deny it that victory.
I am not going to overload you – I know only too well the feeling of floating outside of yourself and a seeming inability to grasp what is going on. I am going to bring up my thread for you entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’ so that you can see that you are understood.
I have a group tomorrow evening 20.00-21.00 hours UK time – if you would like to join me, you would be very welcome. We communicate in real time and nothing that is said in the group appears on the forum.
Your husband should have been to GA by now and I would be interested in what, if anything, he told you. Many CGs do not want to talk about their early confrontations with their addiction but some do – I cannot tell you what to do but I believe that listening is more important at this time than questioning, however it will be his actions and behaviour that have greater meaning than any words.
There is so much more to say that will support you but I will leave it there for now
Velvet

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Hi Janel
The above is our official welcome but I just wanted to tell you that I had read your post and I appreciate how hard it must have been to write it.
I hope you will stick with this forum and learn as much as you can about your husband’s addiction because knowledge will give you power over it and help you to make informed decisions. Nobody should ever suggest that you leave or stay. It is my belief that given a short time here you will know what it is that you want to do and more importantly what the right thing for you to do is.
You don’t sound weak or stupid to me – you sound like a woman who is struggling to maintain her family in the face of a terrible addiction. In this forum living with that addiction is understood.
I would have liked to write you a more detailed reply but unfortunately I am away for the weekend. I will post to you again soon
Velvet

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Hello Janel

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

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Hi Andrea
I believe that you too are only just becoming fully aware of the severity of your addiction. Acceptance is hard but it is a big step towards control.
Your boyfriend cannot help but be further behind in understanding the severity of your addiction. Almost certainly he will never fully understand but it won’t matter as long as you are willing to help him.
The problem with non-CGs is that we want to help but usually we do everything wrong for all the right reasons. In ignorance we enable – for me it has been my CG’s understanding of his addiction, which he has shared with me, that has given me the ability to do the right thing. However, it would be too simple to suggest he found disclosing himself to me to be easy – it took time and a great deal of patience and trust on both sides.
You will not be able to trust your boyfriend to support you properly until he realises what enablement is – but of course in letting him in, you will close the door further on your addiction – an addiction that wants you to keep the door slightly ajar, just in case….. Be prepared for him to make mistakes but more importantly try not to blame him when he gets it right!
I often suggest that CGs ask the person most likely to enable them to pop into an F&F group on a Tuesday evening, but if this is not something you would like, maybe you could get some literature to help him understand – I am sure our Helpline would supply you with this.
I lived with the confusion of compulsive gambling in my life for 25 years and it was only in the final 2 that I had any knowledge of the addiction to gamble. Even then I struggled and in all honesty, I didn’t believe it. Gamanon saved me – but the biggest eye-opener was when we were invited into a GA meeting. All the things my CG had said to me were being said by others and the amazing things was that they didn’t have 2 heads, they were not arch-criminals, they were ordinary, articulate, intelligent good human beings – I was blown away. That is why I believe it is so good to talk to those who understand our individual experience.
I cannot tell you what to do but if you feel there is something special between you and this man in your life, I suggest you let him in as far as you can because regardless of what is often said, non-CGs are capable of great understanding when they are given direction and support.
If you accept your boyfriend’s help with your home it would give you the security you need to move forward but it is undoubtedly clearing your gambling debts. For his sake and yours, make it clear to him, that taking responsibility and clearing gambling debts is an important part of your recovery and that he is never to clear your gambling debts again
The right support is priceless; you need him to understand the importance of not enabling.

I am sure he will believe at the moment that your addiction is all to do with money – it takes a lot for non-CGs to realise that it is ‘the gamble’ itself that hurts you and your relationship. Without enablement the addiction is starved and that is something he can actively support you with.
I hope some of this helps but if there is anything I write that you don’t agree with or want to discuss further please just say.
I wish you well and I repeat that which I so often write – I would not be here writing to you if I did not ‘know’ that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and terrific lives lived as a result.
Velvet

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Hi Charlster
If you were not a very shaky, nervous Charlster I would be worried! You appreciate the challenge without being blasé. You have put a tremendous effort in since you arrived on the site three months ago and now you are going the extra mile. I walked the extra mile with my CG a few years ago and it was the best walk in the world – I will be walking it again with you, in my thoughts, on Monday.
You have been a pleasure to support
Velvet

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Hi Michelle
I don’t hear enablement in what you are doing. Mentioning all the times your CG has let your daughter down would be water off a duck’s back. In my opinion it is much better for him to realise that decent behaviour towards his daughter gets results, gambling doesn’t. If he lets your daughter down again then that is the time to say how much it hurts her – let him feel the difference in atmosphere.
If there is constant tension, constant complaints about his addiction it is much harder for him to see a good future. There is no quick fix Michelle, you are working on the relationship between a CG and his daughter and that is tough. Please don’t think that I am saying you should not get angry because you would have to be a saint not to be so against his addiction. The fact remains that he can do a lot of damage if he doesn’t address his addiction but he is more likely to trust you to support him in changing his life if you are strong and not ‘constantly’ angry.
It is great to hear that you are ‘enjoying’ your family and friends – keep that social life alive, it will shine through you and shows him that you are in control of your life and that you are not going to allow his addiction to bring you down.
Great post – well done
Velvet

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Hello Andrea and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

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Hi Mav
Not fitting the criteria for being a compulsive gambler is a tremendous message for you to receive at this important time of your life. Believing yourself to be a CG could seriously distract you from dealing with the deeper issues in ‘your life just as taking the wrong medicine would do more harm than good.
You have not been rejected, just redirected towards dealing with the deeper issues that affect you because that is what is right for ‘you’. Take your experiences with GMA and this site and use them as references –– you haven’t failed Mav, you crossed a bridge – now don’t look back.
I wish you well
Velvet

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