[velvet]

Hi Silver
The addiction to gamble divides families because it feeds on lies and secrecy, so family and friends are only telling you to leave him because they are thinking of you – but unfortunately unless people have lived with the addiction to gamble, their opinions can be very narrow and not supportive so personally I think it is best to tell others as a statement rather than asking for opinions. You can gather information here so that you can make your own informed decisions with that knowledge but it is always good to get on the ground support as well – just for you.
In my opinion it is more important to ‘listen’ to a CG than it is to bang on about an addiction that the CG ‘knows’ you do not understand. CGs use the ignorance of those around them to keep their behaviour secret. What ‘you’ can see with logic and reason is the damage his addiction is causing, whereas his answer to the damage is illogically to gamble again.
Imagine his addiction is a beast in the corner of the room listening to all you say and looking for an excuse to get your boyfriend to disbelieve you and to gamble. When you a talking about seeing your friends, enjoying a hobby, going out for a meal his addiction will be confused – it can find nothing to bite its teeth into. When you try and talk about his triggers or how much damage his gambling is doing, his addiction beast will kick into action and destroy your words by changing reality to fit his personal perception.
Your suggestion to give him a thrill to match his gambling didn’t sound stupid although I am sorry to say that it is not likely to succeed. The best thing you can do for him is to live well yourself so that he can see that you are enjoying life without gambling and that there are other things in life that bring happiness. Looking after yourself really does make a difference. Your boyfriend is controlled by his addiction but you are not – you are free to make choices and choosing to see friends, have hobbies, eat well, see family are things that you can do (and should do) on your own – if necessary.
It is a sad fact that you cannot save your boyfriend – only he can do that. The only person you can save is ‘you’. Understanding that is tough – it took me far too long to get this through my head so I am not, cannot/will not judge what you do.
Please tell me why you believe he will not try GA. The usual reasons are fear of being recognised or the belief that ‘he’ is not as bad as others. A young man, whose addiction has not hurt him enough, will believe that ‘he’ is different, that ‘he’ is in control and that he will be able to stop on his own in time – but unfortunately the reality is that unless the addiction is treated it gets worse – never better. This site would of course welcome him. We have a terrific Helpline, which is one-to-one, anonymous and private; it is manned most weekdays by a CG who controls his addiction. We have CGs groups, some of which are run by another CG who is also in control of his addiction. We have dedicated counsellors and facilitators who are trained to support in the right way. Our facilities are anonymous so recognition is not a problem. If you don’t want you boyfriend to see what you are posting then you can use the non-CG groups – I have an F&F only group on a Tuesday between 20.00 and 21.00 hours UK time – you would be most welcome, nothing said in the group appears on the forums. We can also make this thread invisible if you so wish. The Helpline is there for you too. Never forget though that ‘you’ are an important part of the relationship and that support for you is vital for your mental health – I hope you will weight that up if you decide to no longer use the forum.
I am concerned that you feel you have low self-esteem – I think you were terrific writing your first post – your boyfriend is lucky to have you on his side. Unfortunately the addiction to gamble destroys self-esteem and confidence, not only in the CG but those around them. Your boyfriend will not deliberately hurt you but his addiction will take you down with it, if you allow it. For that reason I do hope you will keep posting so that you can gain the strength to cope. It would be great if you were to comment on the first topic in our Friends and Family topic forum. It is often difficult to know what enablement is when dealing with the addiction to gamble. Knowing what ‘is’ and what’ is not’ enablement does help.
I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and the most wonderful lives lived as a result so I hope that knowledge helps.
I will leave it there for now Silver but please post again. What you write helps me to give you the support that ‘you’ need. If you are strong then you are better placed to support your boyfriend.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Silver
I wouldn’t dream of saying you were too young and nor would I tell you to leave or to stay with your partner. Knowledge of the addiction to gamble will give you power over it and help you cope. With understanding you will be able to make your own informed decisions.
Unfortunately I am unable to write anymore tonight as I have visitors but stick with us and you will get replies.
It isn’t easy writing the first post so you have done well already.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Silver

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Lauren
Nobody could ever say that facing your addiction was going to be easy. Fear of the unknown is scary but soon it will be a friendly place and you won’t be a stranger to it. If you were blasé and super-confident I would far more worried about you.
I took my CG to the GMA programme nearly 9 years ago and I watched him doubtful and afraid but what a fantastic return he got for going that extra mile. Take care on the journey.
My thoughts will be with you tomorrow and in the coming days.
Best wishes
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Andrea
Your ‘all-over-the-place’ feelings are only natural.
Take a book or a magazine onto the train to divert yourself – you probably won’t take much in but the journey will hopefully pass quicker. I drove my CG to the GMA programme nearly 9 years ago and it is a journey I am sure he remembers well – I know I do. It was the best thing that he and I have ever done but it would not be truthful to say the journey wasn’t a bit nerve-racking. However the effort is so worth while.
Take everything they offer, be determined and you will do fine. You will be in my thoughts tomorrow and in the forthcoming days.
Best wishes
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Janel
He is saying the right things and hopefully the right actions will follow.
‘If’ you want to be nice to him then I think you should be so. I fully understand why you are keeping your distance – it is second nature when you are expecting more hurt on top of all the previous pain BUT – from the point of view of a person wanting to change, if the non-CG remains cold and distant there is a natural tendency, I think, to feel ‘what’s the point?’
A method that many of have used successfully to help us cope, although not recognised by professionals, is to imagine when you speak to your husband that his addiction is a monster spitting bile in the corner of the room. As long as you don’t threaten it, the monster will stay in the corner although it is always watching. The monster that controls your husband is the master of threats and manipulation but never forget that however much that monster wants to control you, it can only do it – if you allow it.
When you are nice to your husband, the monster has nothing to bare its teeth for but when you threaten it with demands, it will come between you and that’s when you find yourself in the middle of arguments that you didn’t ask for. The addiction to gamble will have destroyed your husband’s self-esteem and confidence, replacing them with never-ending feelings of failure – once it is between you it will seek to control by distorting your words. My CG, who controls his addiction, told me that when I was pleading, crying, shouting for him to change his life because I loved him – threatening him with dangers to him that I saw as real, telling him how good life would be if he was honest, his addiction was distorting all I said. He ‘believed’ completely that he was a worthless failure. He therefore, did not/could not, believe that I could possibly love him and so I had to be lying – lies after all are the tools of the addiction. Believing himself to be without worth, your husband’s addiction will fight back using deception, distortion and blame because it has no other coping mechanism.
In my opinion, it is better for your sanity ‘not’ to raise your hopes that this is your husband’s turning point because in doing so you will become receptive to his addiction but of course nobody can ever know, including your husband,, when a true recovery starts – I can only tell you that I know they do start. In my opinion, being kind but firm and strong is the best way forward. Stand back and listen to what he is saying – hopefully it will make it easier to stay out of an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side, the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
I know this all sounds quite negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you.
I cannot begin to tell you how important it is to look after yourself first and that by doing so, you will become stronger, you will reclaim your own life and be able to cope with this addiction. It is also the best thing you can do for your husband because he will not have deliberately hurt you and it is easier to him to change if you are not part of the wreckage from his addiction.
I hope to ‘meet’ you tonight. I cannot tell you what to do – because all decisions you make have to be ‘yours’ but I will answer your questions honestly.
You are at the beginning of a really difficult learning curve but you can do it and so can your husband. The more support you can give each other the better.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

For Janel. Mannen din kan virkelig forandre livet hans. V

[velvet]

For Janel.

Your husband really can change his life.

V

[velvet]

Pour Janel. Votre mari peut vraiment changer sa vie. V

[velvet]

جینل کے لیے۔ آپ کا شوہر واقعی اس کی زندگی بدل سکتا ہے۔ وی۔

[velvet]

Untuk Janel. Suami Anda benar-benar dapat mengubah hidupnya. V

[velvet]

Por Janel. Tu esposo realmente puede cambiar su vida. V

[velvet]

För Janel. Din man kan verkligen förändra sitt liv. V

[velvet]

Dla Janela. Twój mąż naprawdę może zmienić swoje życie. V

[velvet]

Para Janel. Seu marido realmente pode mudar a vida dele. V

[Author]

Posts