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Hi Michelle
As Harry wrote above we have Friends and Family group times. If you click on ‘Support Groups’ at the top of this page, you will see that I have a group running this evening between 20.00 and 21.00 hours UK time (I think it is 8 – 9pm for you). At 8pm if you run your mouse over the Friends and Family box in the purple schedule you will see the word ‘join’ light up. Click on it and we can communicate in real time. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum – you will be very welcome.
You got your experiences across very well. It is hard to get it out when there is so much that has happened and so much that makes no sense in your life. I think we get used to talking to those who could never understand and we can’t believe that there is someone out there who can.
There is a lot in your first post and I think for me to try and answer everything would confuse – I do tend to talk too much! When I first sought support, it took me months to even believe there was such an addiction so I know how hard it is to get your head round it. I have brought up my thread ‘The F&F Cycle’ for you to read which I hope helps you see the nature of the beast and the way that those involved go round and round until all senses are blurred.
The first bit of news I have for you is that you are not losing your mind – you love someone with an addiction that destroys relationships leaving those within in lacking in self-esteem and confidence and I include the CG in that. You can recover.
When your ex-partner first gambled he would have thought he was the same as everybody else, it was a fun thing to do. He would have had no idea that for him ‘addiction’ was waiting and by the time he could have been aware, it would probably have been too late. He would have lied to cover his initial losses and his feeling of being out of control because the addiction he owns uses lies as a tool. Those who heard the lies would have been confused, but we have all allowed ‘silly’ lies to go at times and after all who could know what was really going on in his mind? More losses would follow, more and more exaggerated lies used until the CG’s memory is full of lies – as you said your ex-partner seems to believe his lies – that is because he can’t remember ‘truth’ because at some point his lies became his truth.
I will leave this there but there is much to tell you and much that will help you cope. Your ex-partner has been to GA but I am wondering if he has he ever accepted he is a compulsive gambler. Many do pay lip-service. When he went to GA, did he talk about it when he came home, was he any different. Does he say he wants to stop gambling?
I look forward to hearing from you again. Look after yourself and your son first and foremost. At the moment your ex-partner believes his addiction will look after him so he is selfishly getting on with his life. The best thing you can do is to look after you, when you are strong you will be better equipped to cope with him.
VelvetHi Michelle
I wanted to tell you that I had read your thread and understood every word you have written – it must have taken a lot out of you to write it.
I am unable to give you the reply you deserve until tomorrow morning but I will tell you that I wouldn’t be writing on this forum if I didn’t ‘know’ that the addiction to gamble can be controlled.
You are among those who do not judge and who really do understand, so welcome
VelvetHi Michelle
In my opinion, this is a message that would not best be replied to by suggesting he gets help with his gambling, I think it is a message that doesn’t deserve a reply but does deserve action on your part. You are aware (as I was when I read it) that this could be manipulation for enablement, he has done this before and you have helped him out, so not the actions of a man ‘doing something about his addiction’. You can afford the holiday, you have paid for it and I believe you should go and enjoy a gamble-free holiday with your daughter. This to me is a good time to stand your ground; you are not retaliating or being unkind.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you say he appears to be at only one of his lows. Your CG is messing with your daughter’s head and you know that is not acceptable. I do believe he can love his daughter but at the moment he is only willing to show it as far as his addiction will allow and that, in my opinion, is not enough for a 4 years old. To be the father he wants to be and you believe him to be capable of, he knows what he has to do but at the moment he is having his cake and eating it. He is controlling your life when the phoning and the messaging is allowing him to dictate his comings and goings with your daughter and then only when he says ‘go and do your own thing’ do you do it. A large part of recovery for a CG is taking responsibility; as long as you take if for him, he will not make any effort. If he is not responsible enough to be with you at the agreed time then ‘you’ decide what you are going to do. By all means give him 5 mins in case traffic is bad but always be aware that keeping you waiting is a manipulative behaviour.
I understand your reluctance to get things on a legal footing as this may have the opposite effect from that which you want. Personally I think you are strong enough and independent enough to make this through without legal redress but this will always be up to you.
Look forward to ‘seeing’ you tomorrow evening. Don’t worry, you will get there. I wouldn’t understand you if I had never made mistakes – and I do understand you.
Velvet<
Hello Danis and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties youre currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if youre new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. Were in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like youre not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
And on that note….
Im going to hand you over to our community because Im sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Muchelle
Nomore and Jenny have given you really constructive replies. I think I will probably ‘chat’ to you later today but I wanted to put my pennyworth in anyway.
All the conversations in your head were good – none of the options were to enable and you made your informed decision – I cannot see any dishonesty on your part. If you had told him that you had paid the balance and all he had to do was cough up 2 instalments, it would have been enablement but it seems to me you paid the balance so that you and your daughter could have a well-deserved holiday.
It is probably what happens next that determines whether you have changed anything or not. . You have agreed that he can pay you in a couple of instalments but this has not happened yet – what would be good for you to know before this happens, or not, is whether you ‘want’ him to pay. Tough call
I don’t believe that happy families is a game that can be played when an addiction is active in the middle of it BUT it is you that has to live with the outcome. I tried for far too long to incorporate the addiction in my family believing that love would conquer all and regardless of what was staring me in the face; I had to learn it was always an impossible dream.
We all made mistakes with this addiction Michelle, some enablement is obvious, other enablement is harder to see. I know how hard you are working to get through this experience and I know you can come out on the other side but I know how hard it is to do so. It probably feels as though you are taking 2 steps forward and 3 back but this whole post says that you are more aware and that you are seeing the addiction for what it is. Ok so you had a hiccough agreeing that he could pay the balance but you are a good loving person who reacted on instinct and you are not thick skinned – this does not mean he can do with you as he wishes.
Know what you want, know what you will allow and build your barrier accordingly.
Hopefully speak later
VelvetDear B
Complaining is fine – holding things in is what makes problems seem insurmountable.
I have been thinking a lot recently about recovery and the whys and wherefores of the problems attached to it. The non-CG wants nothing more than that their loved one controls his/her addiction – they know what the addiction has done to them so surely if the addiction is controlled life should be perfect – but is this a fair assumption?
None of us are one dimensional, we are all individuals and vastly different. When a CG controls his/her addiction the despair, confusion and pain of the addiction can be resolved but there is so much more to a person than just their addiction – they can still be confused and despairing about life, they can still be reticent, pessimistic, jealous, lacking in confidence, over sensitive. It is understandable that even with massive change it is unlikely that everything will drop into place and be perfect; a relationship cannot be guaranteed to succeed.
Your husband had a difficult time growing up and has reasons in his life to be confused and despairing. In rehab he learned to control his addiction but unfortunately he does not seem to have dealt with, or been encouraged to deal with the rest of him.
I have missed you B especially knowing that you have many issues unresolved. I am concerned for you – it would be good to ‘chat’ again in the privacy of a group.
VHi Daughter
I’m not going to call you ungrateful or treacherous, you are the daughter of a woman with an addiction and you have worries of your own, it stands to reason it is complicated.
My thought on reading your post was that there was an unnecessary amount of guilt flying around and guilt holds people back from doing the right thing. You are enabling your mum to get scratch cards because ‘you’ feel guilty but why and how are you guilty? It is not your fault that your mother had become a danger to herself and others and so had to sell her car. It is not your fault that your mother is a CG.
You have done well accepting that you are spending too much and maybe it would help you to talk about why you think you do this – but your over-spending does not change the way your mother is.
You have too many worries at the moment – your life is like a giant jig-saw in too many pieces – you can’t see what is going on – but if you take one problem at a time and deal with it before you tackle another problem, gradually the pieces will come together and you will see the whole picture clearly.
I hope you will update your thread soon – you have done well to tell us about your mum but also to mention your spending. Do you have anyone who support you and maybe handle your finances.
VelvetHi Janel
How are you getting on hoeing your row?
Once you are on the F&F radar you are not forgotten so please update if you are still reading.
VelvetHi Michelle
I don’t think you are slow at getting started to understand but of course ‘knowing the right thing to do’ is easier than ‘doing the right thing’. I am a believer though that once you begin to read the addiction it is easier to spot the ‘clues’ and asking for £5 is one such clue. He knew if he asked for too much he wouldn’t get it so he went for a small amount hoping the door would open just enough to get his foot in – after all it worked before! His addiction is looking for chinks in your armour – he is aware you are getting stronger so he is adopting the more seductive approach – and you didn’t fall for it – well done.
It is a minefield at the beginning but look how well you did – because you didn’t pick up the phone and blast him, he couldn’t inflict more hurt, so you recovered quicker – ‘you’ were in control. The healing that gives you deep down positive feelings takes time – it is gradual and exhausting but ultimately it is a walk back to life.
You are right that his behaviour is ridiculous and selfish but it should never be underestimated – it is dangerous and you are doing the right thing in shielding your daughter. I know you are holding back because of his addiction and not seeking to punish him but he will not believe that – it won’t suit him to believe it – he needs to blame you. He has the capability to be a good father, when he controls his life but at the moment he is out of control.
Telling him you love him will not have made matters worse – he maybe thought the enablement door was open again but you have scotched that thought; so if he does any deep thinking at all he can hear that you love him but you will not pander to his addiction – I can’t think of a better message.
Keep going as you are and keep seeing your friends. In my opinion, unless his mother tells you that she doesn’t want to speak to you, it is a good line to keep open especially as she is your daughter’s grandmother. The adults can all ‘move on’ (as he puts it) without you losing touch with his mother.
Everything you have written says that you are doing well.
VelvetDear Silver
I think you would be amazed at how many CGs decide they can be professional gamblers – the belief in their addiction over-rides logic and rationality.
Your boyfriend is not in control. The nature of the CG is that they cannot walk away until everything is lost because the addiction to gamble has nothing to do with money, which is one of the hardest things the non-CG has to understand. It is the ‘gamble’ that matters and it is the ‘gamble’ that destroys them, taking away their self-esteem and confidence just as it does those who love them.
You are absolutely right when you say that at 20 you should be happy. You have already had a terrible experience in the loss of your high school sweetheart, you must have been devastated – did you have any counselling to help you cope?
I am not going back on what I said earlier Silver but you do deserve more than this. I appreciate completely that you are loyal to those you care about but unfortunately this does leave you vulnerable – it wouldn’t matter what age you were either, the same would apply if you were 50.
I hope you post again soon – it would be great to ‘see’ you in an F&F group.
VelvetHi L
Yes it is good to point him towards support. If and when he does decide to live gamble-free it will be good for him to know where he can find those who understand him
Jenny has given you amazing replies and I have been watching and nodding in agreement at her words but I am concerned that you are not appreciating the strength of your boyfriend’s addiction. You really have to know deep down that you cannot save your boyfriend, only he can do that – the only person you can save is you. At the moment, all the worrying and heart-wrenching is being done by you while he carries on indulging his addiction. I am not judging, I lived with the addiction for 25 years although I didn’t know what it was for 23 of them. It’s a long time to be controlled by the addiction of another but my experience is not unusual, it is repeated over and over on this site. I believed I could save him – I couldn’t; I could only save me but I was in a pathetic state by the time I finally got the message.
I would never suggest you leave or stay. I think you are doing well pushing your thoughts around and gaining knowledge so that you can make an informed decision when ‘you’ are ready – but your boyfriend’s addiction is controlling both your lives at the moment and and that concerns me. It would be better for both of you if you considered what barriers ‘you’ are going to put in place to protect yourself before you worry about the barriers you hope your boyfriend will erect.
‘If’ he wants to change enough then he can – I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t ‘know’ that his addiction can be controlled – but is he saying he wants to change? If your ‘need’ is that he changes but his ‘need’ is to gamble you will be hitting your head against a brick wall..
You pose the difficult question ‘what if leaving him is the only way to help him?’ For many, this is the only outcome where the addiction is out of control but never threaten such an ultimatum unless you are prepared to carry it through because his addiction is the master of threats and you are not.
I cannot stress enough the importance of putting yourself first; your boyfriend will not want you to be another piece of wreckage from his addiction. Maybe you could give him information on GA, dedicated counsellors, rehab who can understand him.. Hopefully he will try our helpline which is terrific. There is no shame in being unable to save a CG – it is something all those who love CGs have to face
Keep posting, there is a lot to learn and knowledge will give you power over his addiction. What you do with that knowledge will always be up to you.
Velvet
