[velvet]

I have brought this up for Light – hope it helps

[velvet]

Hi Michelle
If your ex-partner was a family friend your daughter would accept his comings with pleasure and his lack of comings as normal. Unfortunately it is not possible to undo any words he might have said that may be keeping her mind so involved with him when he isn’t there. Do you react differently to his visit than you would an uncle? There seems little question that his addiction is hurting her and therefore your behaviour is so much more important. If you are happy then hopefully she will be happy – if you are tense then she will sense it.
What is your reaction when she shows you a picture of her father? I except you would rather she was drawing a dog or a sheep in which case you could exclaim with delight how lovely it is and how much you like the interesting curl of the pink eyelashes. By all means show the same interest in the picture she draws of her father – if she is subconsciously testing your reaction she will know if you are negative. Hopefully she will begin to draw more dogs and sheep because they are more fun and get a laugh.
It does take time to process new thoughts, ones it would be fair to say you never could have imagined you would have to process. However, taking things gradually, a piece at a time, like a giant jig-saw, the picture will gradually become clear. Your daughter undoubtedly will be more in the moment than you are – she is sucking in knowledge like a sponge, watching and listening to everything around her, forming her opinions and memories for later in life.
Hovering is fine sometimes while you re-plan your life but from all your CG has said he doesn’t see a gamble-free future as being something he aspires to and that means his behaviour towards your daughter will become less acceptable. Distance from his addictive behaviour will help her develop her mind safely just as it will yours. Your boundary is a gamble-free security fence for your daughter.
If you are asking the question ‘can I live with myself if I tell him not to see her unless he has taking steps to control his addiction’, my reply would be – no you should not be answering emotionally but impassively with the informed knowledge and insight you have gained. In my opinion, this is not something that should be open for debate with an active CG; you are protecting your child and his and it is down to you to make the best decision for her, however I think such a decision would best be discussed with the counseling group you have approached
It seems to me that you can be confident that you are going the right way with your daughter; you have lots of lovely things planned with her and a holiday that sounds great.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Janel
I think I understand the weirdness you are feeling when your husband tries to get close – his face is the same face that blatantly lied to you for so long, everything about him looks the same, so is he really a changed man real or is he just bidding his time until you relax when he will show himself in his true colours. It is completely understandable that you you cannot trust him yet and if he is in a true recovery he should not expect you to do so. You could always suggest that he talks to his GA group about the fact that his wife is struggling with trust and getting close – he will hopefully get the support he needs to understand your concerns.
A man who has faced his demons and changed his life cannot prove he has done so without a long time elapsing in which he stays gamble-free and behaves with respect. However what he can show is a change of behaviour, a lightness which comes as the result of laying a heavy burden down. The differences at the beginning might be barely perceptible but they will be there.
I didn’t believe that my CG could possibly change so I experienced many doubts – the bad times had completely outweighed the good. I had stayed quiet in the past and been kicked so many times that I thought I would never get up again and yet here I was staying quiet, just in case this time it really was different. 9 years ago, however, it was different but one of the main differences was me. With the knowledge I had gained about the addiction had come a deep conviction that I would never live with the addiction to gamble affecting me again. I know this is only words but for me they remain at the forefront of my mind.
This is why looking after ourselves is so very important. I believe that ‘our’ recovery is paramount to the success of our lives with or without the CG. ‘Turning the other cheek’ does not help you or your husband with his addiction or your early recoveries, I think that forgiveness and trust cannot and indeed should not be automatic. Your husband will always be a CG and that is a tough thing to accept – however he can control his addiction and live a wonderful life and strangely enough it can be more wonderful for having the addiction.
Putting myself first was a reversal of what I had always believed was right but it meant that I could cope and I also think it meant I gave off different vibes – I was ‘new’ just as he was ‘new’. He had to learn to trust me possibly more than I had to learn to trust him.
If he has truly changed Janel, you will know, I promise you that – but whether you can love him or not – only you can tell.
At the moment your fears are very real, you are still far too raw. At this time in my recovery I was on this site and it helped me just to keep reading and posting. I think a journal is great for watching your progress. This is a great place to put your fears, however small they are – being anonymous doesn’t make us less real.
I will finish with the words another member wrote a long time ago

• Forgiveness isn’t condoning the behaviour.

• Forgiveness isn’t forgetting what happened.

• Forgiveness isn’t restoring trust.

• Forgiveness isn’t synonymous with reconciliation.

• Forgiveness doesn’t mean doing the other person a favour.

• Forgiveness isn’t easy.

Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Janel
Words are indeed powerful but they only go so far, they cannot, in themselves, change things.
What does count and what changes everything is actions that are positive and honest.
I cannot begin to tell you how much the loss of your lovely dog impacted on me – it is something that every dog owner dreads but has inevitably to face. I am wondering if this loss is the trigger for you feeling so lacking in optimism at the moment, or if your husband’s behaviour is still not ‘quite’ as you would hope it would be.
On this forum Janel and in the group we can be honest because there is no judgement. What is happening with your husband that is causing you to feel so insecure? It doesn’t matter how small the niggle is, if a niggle exists then say it and hopefully we can make sense of it. Life in the early stages of recovery is tough. All those who love CGs ever want in the active gambling years is for the addiction to be controlled so that life can be good again but I’m sorry to say it isn’t that easy – F&F struggle with trust and many CGs want trust too quickly. Do you worry that you will say or do something wrong that could upset the delicate balance in your lives? Are you worried about something he has said not ringing true? Is he walking or air or is he depressed, moody, distant, difficult to talk to? Does he tell you what he talked about at his meetings?
Sometimes I think F&F can feel left out in early recovery. You have done all the worrying and you have struggled when there was nobody to talk to in all the years his addiction was destroying your confidence. Who is there for you now, who is picking you up and encouraging you? Taking control of an addiction requires selfishness and CGs do struggle with understanding those who love them.
You need a gentle recovery as much as your husband. Look after yourself, don’t be afraid to say ‘no’ to things you are unhappy about and don’t be afraid to come here and open your heart. You will learn to love yourself again – it just takes time..
Perhaps we will ‘meet’ one Tuesday in real time – it would be a pleasure.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Chelle
I missed you this week – I hope you are ok.
I have just re-read your last post and I am not sure I answered all your points in the group.
I can hear that your CG is confused, lost and unsupported by his family; however it is important that you put yourself and your child first regardless of how sad you feel he is. It always seems that such words offer little to someone in your position but I really do know they work. I was a blob Chelle when I finally realised I had to change my life – my personality was lost to the addiction that my CG owned, I lacked self-esteem, confidence, drive, original thought and in this state I was impotent, unable to support him, myself or those around me.
Retaking control of your life is not easy, you are a loving person who wants to feel loved and you deserve to be loved. Unfortunately at the moment your CG is unable to give you that love or to accept the responsibility of his own life, never mind you or his child. Many members have described it as having another child leaning on them but never believe that you are looking after another child.
I have written the following coping method to many members so you may have read it before – but I will write it anyway because it has helped so many of us cope even though it is not a professionally recognised way of coping.
Imagine your CGs addiction is a hungry vicious beast in the corner of the room. When you speak to your CG it will stay in the corner but it is never sleeping and always ready to take action when it feels threatened.
The good news is that although your CG is controlled by his addiction, you do not have to be. His addiction is the master of threats and manipulation but you are not. When you threaten your CG with logical argument, his addiction leaps between you and that’s when you find yourself in the middle of an argument without knowing how or why you got there. Once it has got between you, the only words you will hear will be the words of his addiction blaming you and seeking to demoralise you. When you try and fight your corner his addiction distorts your words leaving your CG unable to comprehend your meaning.
This was explained to me by my CG who truly believed he was a worthless failure. When I told him I loved him and that changing his life would bring him happiness – his addiction distorted mind told him that I was a liar because why would anyone love someone who was so unlovable and of such little worth. He was completely lost in his addiction and his only coping mechanism was to fight me with lies, blame, manipulation and threats.
I believe F&F waste valuable time ‘wanting’ to believe that the CG they love is telling the truth and that ‘this’ time, maybe, he/she is different. I think it better not to believe them until there is positive and visible change because in doing so you become receptive. In my opinion it is better to stand back and listen to what your CG is saying, making it easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you.
By looking after you first you will become stronger, you will reclaim your own life and be able to cope with your child and make the right decisions for your relationship.
I hope you update soon and maybe pop in to the group on Tuesday.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Jenny
I love this upbeat post, it’s so full of just ‘living’ in the centre of your life and not hanging on to the periphery of someone else’s.
What a difference a year makes and how far you and your boys have come in that year. The new (getting more established) relationship sounds wonderful and so much the better, I’m sure, for recognising what the addiction did, or didn’t do, for you!
I think you are right – I think the sickness can be contagious and as such the non-CG needs to take time and care with recovery. I do believe though that having recovered, which the non-CG can do in entirety, it is so important to take the lessons learned into the rest of one’s life. I think they can be the greatest education to help one cope with so many different situations.
As long as man is on the earth gambling will exist and for some that will mean misery but this site will do it’s best to alleviate some of the suffering. Posts like this are uplifting however, so hopefully it will be read by many to let them know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I know we will hear from you again but in the meantime keep going as you are because you have worked hard to get where you are now and you deserve it.
V

[velvet]

Hi Phoenix
I don’t hear a fraud but I do hear someone who has been hurt by the addiction to gamble and is still affected by it.
Building trust is difficult once the addiction has done its damage but it is possible if the CG has changed his/her life in actions as well as words. You didn’t say if your husband has ever sought help – I have yet to meet a CG, who has controlled his/her addiction for any length of time, without support.
If you came into my group I would have asked if you love your husband. It is surprising how often members forget to ask themselves this when weighing up their lives post-addiction trauma years. I am not asking that you write an answer here but if the answer is yes then it seems to me the marriage is worth fighting for. If it is ‘no’ and the trust has gone then the decision must be yours and staying together for the children is something only you can weigh up.
I ‘know’ that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives experienced – if it wasn’t so I wouldn’t be writing to you now. However, not everybody gets to experience this. CGs can be dissatisfied with their lives post control. Non-CGs can still be unhappy with the CG who has taken control. My CG took time to settle and it is hardly surprising given the soul-destroying nature of the addiction.
What is it that still worries you Phoenix because something important obviously still does? If three happy years without back-sliding is not enough then maybe he has not fully dealt with his addiction or maybe you have not understood what it is that you really want from him. F&F often confuse the addiction to gamble with money loss but money is not the raison d’être for the CG. It is only ‘the gamble’ that matters and it is ‘the gamble’ that destroys the mind causing poor behaviour which affects those who love the CG.
It is possible to ‘dry’ gamble which is gambling in the mind with no visual signs apart from poor behaviour because the addiction is being kept alive – in other words abstention is not enough.
I will leave it there in case I am barking up the wrong tree but please don’t think you are here fraudulently. Whatever you are feeling will be understood and heard without judgement.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Flic
Perhaps you could find a Gamanon Group in your area. Gamanon is the sister group of GA (Gamblers Anonymous). It would be good for you to have people to sit down and talk to about your concerns.
Maybe you could download the 20-questions from the Gamblers anonymous, print them off and give them to your husband, hopefully they would help him realise he has a real problem that he needs to address.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Flic
I’m afraid your words are wasted on your husband, he is lost in his gambling world and he doesn’t want to hear you. His addiction is telling him he can win and that is all he wants to hear.
CGs (compulsive gamblers) create arguments deliberately to baffle and confuse those who are trying to reason with them, so arguing will get you nowhere. The addiction your husband owns is not about money – it is purely about ‘the gamble’. Your husband is hooked on the gamble and as a result he can never win because any money he gets he will use as a tool to indulge his addiction. You can understand this because you have logic and reason but his addiction does not allow him to understand.
When you keep saying and doing the same things over and over and nothing happens, probably nothing ever will, so it is time to try something different.
I would never suggest you stay or you leave your husband, that will always be down to you but in your first post you said you were considering leaving him, so do you have a strategy to survive without him and if so can you turn such a strategy into something positive? Do you have family you can turn to? Is there anywhere you can go to take a break while you get your head round what you want to do? Do you have access to any money at all and if you have can you put it in your own name to protect yourself?
The most important thing to do Flic is to look after yourself. You cannot save your husband, only he can do that. Do you have friends to talk to or have you lost them because of his addiction? Do you have hobbies? What do you do for ‘you’ every day?
Keep posting Flic.
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear James
The forum gains so much when members return with updates that prove that life, when the shadow of the addiction to gamble has been lifted, is good.
Of course the best outcome for members must be the control of the addiction but sadly it will not always be so, however, I hope one day your ex-wife appreciates the effort you made to maintain a good relationship for her with her daughter. In my opinion, she should not be taking your daughter into casinos and maybe that is something you need to keep your eye on with her grandma’s help. Hopefully she will make better choices in the future.
It is not surprising that you have trust issues with your new girlfriend but it is important to remember that your wife did not choose her addiction and did not deliberately hurt you; you were both the victims of a terrible addiction and as such it is very important not to let it spoil any more of your life. Use the experience and turn it into something really good and positive.
I wish you, your daughter and your new girlfriend every happiness, you deserve it. Thank you for returning and updating
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Millie
In the hope that you come back to Phoenix’s thread and read this, please start your own thread so that you can get the individual support we are willing to give.
You appear to have quite a lot of knowledge of the addiction to gamble but I know from my own experience that having people, who really understood, talk to me about what was causing my pain, saved me.
You will be welcome in the F&F group and of course our Helpline is there for you. I hope you will access our support – I would be pleased to ‘meet’ you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Phoenix
Sorry I had no more time yesterday than to give you our welcoming post.
Nobody could ever think that what has happened in your life would happen to them – you didn’t ask for or want the addiction in your life anymore than your CG (compulsive gambler). However, happen it has and you are trying to make sense of the senseless – in my view you have come to a terrific place to help you do just that.
I would think that every person who has lived with the addiction to gamble has found that the behaviour of their CG can be pretty rotten. Your CG is self-absorbed; his mind is full of addiction 24 hours a day which makes the good bits seem very special when they occur. The good bits of course help you ‘forget’ the bad behaviour for a time because you are a loving, forgiving person – unfortunately that is exactly what his addiction is hoping for – you to forget.
I am so pleased to read that you already know that you are not a fuss-pot or difficult. It is so important for you to realise that you are not to blame for the things that are happening around you and over which you feel you have no control. I think it is probably a common thought for the non-CG to think that they bring out the best in others so why, oh why – not in the one they love? It is a hard fact but you cannot make your loved one stop gambling. No amount of pleading, tears, anger, threats, love can stop a CG gambling, the only person who can do that is the CG themselves – when they are ready. That is the downside but the upside is that there are many things you can do to support him, so that facing his addiction can become a possibility for him.
I would never suggest that you leave or stay with your CG, what I hope is that you will stick with this forum and join the F&F group, so that you can gain the knowledge about his addiction that will help you cope – and then make informed decisions about your life.
It may be that his grumpiness is the person that he is or it may be that it reflects something in his life that he has not dealt with – when he controls his addiction there could be no guarantee that the grumpiness will stop if it is his innate personality but first and foremost it is right to deal with his addiction.
In Millie’s post to you, she writes ‘Sometimes you can feel more affected by their addiction than they are’ and that is the feeling I want you to turn on its head. I want you to stand back from his addiction and look after you. It is the best thing for you, your children and ultimately for your CG – he will not want to bring you down but his addiction will do so – if you allow it. I hope with support you can stop second-guessing and feeling so lonely – you are among those who understand here – I will walk with you for as long as you want me to.
Does your CG accept he has a problem? Is he willing to hand over the finances to you? Has he ever sought help for himself?
I will leave it there for now and wait for your reply. I do have an F&F group tomorrow, Tuesday, 20.00 – 21.00 hours UK time. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum – you will be very welcome.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Phoenix

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Dear Ell
I cannot begin to tell you how delighted I was to see your post. I think about you often – especially with the worrying news every day from Greece.
How wonderful to read that you husband continues to control his addiction and that your daughter is doing very well – I hope her health issues can be resolved in time.
I was so sorry to read your brother’s news. I remember only too well how important he was in supporting you – it was always a relief to me to know you had such a strong person to hold on to when the going was tough. I am sure the strength and wisdom he showed to you will carry him through this bad time.
The way you handled your husband’s addiction Ell strengthened you, you learned to ride out the storm until you reached peace and tranquillity which is a lesson, I believe, you will never forget. It is your turn now to be the rock for your brother – I know you will do it well.
Today Greece is voting and I hope that whatever decision is made, it is the right one for you and your country-men. I will be praying for you.
As always you say words filled with wisdom – you are tired but you know that even to be tired is to be alive and able to feel. I hope that soon matters will be easier and I hope it will give you a grain of happiness to know that someone in another country thinks of you often.
I hope you will be able to update with better news soon
με αγάπη
βελούδο

[velvet]

Hi Flic
Well done on writing your first post. Please tell me more out what it is that is concerning you so much that you have reached the point of leaving your husband.
Spending £80 a week on gambling may point to your husband having a problem with handling money although, in itself, it does not point to a gambling addiction.
I cannot tell you what to do and even if I could I would never suggest either that you leave your husband or that you stay with him – this is a decision that only you can make. If he is a CG then knowledge of his addiction will give you power over it which will help you make informed decisions. I will gladly give you this information but it would help to know more about the behaviour your husband exerts that worries you so much.
I look forward to hearing from you again
Velvet

[Author]

Posts