[velvet]

Hello Dhok0

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi San
I would love an update; you are often in my thoughts.
I was so pleased and relieved to read that you have forgiven yourself – it is strange and sad how long it takes us to do so. Hopefully having forgiven yourself you are now having a more peaceful life – you certainly deserve it.
I won’t be posting for a couple of weeks but I hope to hear from you.
V

[velvet]

Hi MM
I have been thinking about your question about the rate of success for CGs and what seemed the most effective.
As I said in the group I cannot give figures for success rates but I know that CGs who have the right support have the better chance of success. I have seen the different outcomes of relationships with CGs and in my opinion, all of those outcomes have benefited from knowledge, the knowledge you are gaining.
Your sum up of the ideals of this forum is spot on – F&F can all go on to better lives with knowledge and can recover fully from the experience of the addiction. The focus here is on the person who loves the CG, the main enabler, who is the closest target for the addiction. If that person can gain strength by refusing to play the addiction game then the CG doesn’t have anything to bite on. As a victim the non-CG is easy meat.
I hope that I have never given the impression that refusing enablement was punishment. I am completely of the opinion that the way to support a CG is to stand shoulder to shoulder with the CG against the addiction but to do so it is important to do a lot of work on oneself first. I believed that everything that happened to me, when the addiction was consuming me, was my fault and my behaviour reflected that belief. With such a belief came the need to cover up any wrongdoings either by giving money, clearing debts or convincing others who trusted me that all was well. I was weak but I don’t blame myself because I had no idea that a gambling addiction existed – a fact well known to my CG. Once I knew what it was that was hurting me it became imperative for me to do the right thing and that involved understanding as much as I could about myself as well as the addiction. I wanted the complete package.
I share the belief that the addiction is “complex and a mix of psychological responses to feelings of helplessness that the addict does not know how to control. Therefore any treatment, to have more than a small chance of success should involve therapy to help that person understand the source of these feelings of helplessness and find ways to come to terms with and tackle them in different ways than their addiction” and I will be interested to know your thoughts when you have finished the book.
I am on holiday for 2 weeks so I won’t be posting but I will open my groups as usual so I hope to ‘see’ you.
I believe that all the reading you are doing is the best thing for your husband – he is lucky to have you on his side – but never forget to protect yourself. Putting you first, it is not punishing him, it is the way to survive for both of you..
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Michelle
My CG told me that when he hindered conversation it was to give his him time to get his addictive brain into gear so when the penny dropped with you, you got it right.
I fully appreciate that you want to stop thinking about gambling and addiction but the only way I know how to do it is to live a full life so that such thoughts are crowded out and then in time it becomes a way of life – fake it until you make it, because you will make it.
The ‘normal’ acting active CG is indeed hard to fathom but for me it is a question of whether or not your ex is doing something constructive about his gambling. Actions are necessary, words will never be enough. Don’t beat yourself up if you think you have made a wrong judgement – as long as you remember that ‘you’ are not the one that is controlled you won’t go wrong. Any Brownie points his addiction thinks it has scored will be nothing compared to the knowledge you have gained – trust yourself, you are doing brilliantly.
I think maybe soon you will not feel like posting anymore and that is fine if that is the way forward for you. I have ‘met’ hundreds of people who have passed through this forum and then gone on their way leaving the addiction here where it can’t hurt them anymore.
I am going on holiday this weekend for a fortnight so I will not be posting but I will still do my groups so if you want to pop in – I would love to ‘see’ you.
Wishing you well
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Michelle
I thought it was only me that can think I have done something physical when the good intention to act has never left my head – how great it is to share and find I am not alone!
I remember feeling comforted by others going through what I was going through but also being sustained by a girl whose husband had changed his life 15 years earlier after having done horrendous to her previously in his active gambling years. With those who were still heavily wrapped up with the addiction I shared my anger, bitterness, stories of betrayal and hurt until I felt less alone. With the girl who walked so far ahead of me I learned that guilt was something I should not be carrying.
I don’t know your mum and I appreciate she is isn’t well right now – but you are a mum and you will already know that no matter what happens you would rather share your son’s pain than have him cry alone – it is the nature of motherhood. I cannot speak for your mother but I would imagine she would not want you to feel guilt that you are sharing your hurt with her – it is what mothers do.
Feeling guilty that your son’s father is a compulsive gambler will not do any of you any good, it will only fester and slow your recovery. I don’t believe that when you tell others not to feel guilt you don’t believe what you are saying so you know it makes sense. ‘You’ are not to blame, nor is your son and nor is your son’s father. None of you wanted or asked for this horrible addiction in your lives. How daft it is to beat ourselves up over something that we can’t control – how much better to spend our time working on that which we can control – learning to like and love ourselves is time better spent.
In my opinion, families and friends hope that if they don’t mention the subject of gambling and addiction the problem might go away – why prod the sleeping beast? I know it doesn’t go away Michelle and I know it because I love a CG, which is why when I ask you how you are I understand why your answer is not ‘fine thanks’. This addiction, in my view, is still not publicised enough – I am still aware after living with an active addiction for 25 years and a CG in control of his addiction for 8 years that the subject of gambling will cause the eyes of most of those who know me to glaze over – I am still preaching to those who do not want to hear.
When a relationship become estranged or ends – and even when an addiction becomes controlled and life should be good, there will always be a mountain of pieces to pick up. You have lived with a terrible addiction that has damaged your ability to laugh and smile – it will have given you self-doubt, trust issues and mind-numbing pain. It stands to reason that it will take time to recover but recover you can and will. It might appear that your partner is apparently ‘enjoying’ a new life but I can assure you he is not – as long as an addiction is not treated and controlled a new life is merely a mask for a sad existence.
I know you will be alright Michelle because when the addiction had finished with me I was a blob without personality, opinion or hope and whatever anybody says about me now they cannot doubt that I have hope and opinions galore. I don’t doubt for a second your ability to come through this dreadful experience and turn it into something good.
Be kind to yourself – you are still the young girl you were 5/6 years ago you just have a wealth of experience you didn’t have then.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Flic
It seems from your words that you have made an informed decision and because you have waited until you were ready to do so, I feel sure that it will be right one for you.
CGs come on this site because they want to change and seeking support is the first port of call – but many CGs never make that call and therefore outcomes must vary for those who live with them. What I always hope for is that those who pass through this forum leave it wiser and stronger for having been here.
I hope you will update again to let us know how you are doing. There is never any judgement on this site – we have all faced the same addiction and handled it in our own ways.
Whatever your decision is and whatever you have decided to do after Christmas, I wish you well. In the meantime please unsure the money you earn is secure.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi M
A gamble-free holiday sounds like just what the doctor ordered – the more gamble-free times for you and your daughter the more good memories for her to look back on. Too many upsets and failed promises will add up for her. You are giving her what she needs, protection and love. If and when her father sorts his life out his daughter will be healthy and happy and not wrecked by his addiction – that will be down to you.
In my opinion (and this really is ‘my’ opinion) your partner cannot appreciate the size of the job he has placed upon you and probably never will – you are the steel backbone, the silent carer that your daughter needs to help her grow. The reward comes in seeing her grow into a happy young woman that the addiction failed to hurt. Of course you will feel anger and there will be ups and down, it is only natural but you are doing well.
The boundaries are hard and blurred by having to protect your daughter – ‘you’ are the ring fence around her. Maybe if you looked at the way you protect her it will help you protect yourself because you are determined that the addiction will not hurt her.
I hope the school holidays are proving enjoyable – the weather is mixed but thankfully there are a lot of fine days.
Speak soon
V

[velvet]

Hi Michelle
I can think of no better way to communicate your feeling than as you have done – everything you say makes complete sense.
It would be lovely to get an update – you are in my thoughts.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi MM
Appreciating you need more time is good. We make mistakes when we rush in. To cope we need to be ahead of the addiction and to be ahead we need to be sure of ourselves first.
I have just been reading passages in my Gamanon book and I thought what a difference it made to me.
Maybe you could access information about Gamblers Anonymous and Gamanon from the web – do you have friends in the US who can get you information – New Mexico, California, Arizona and Texas all have hotline availability to GA.
The following is taken from my Gamanon book and I like it – I hope you do:-

YESTERDAY, TODAY, AND TOMORROW.

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry: two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
One of these days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.
The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise or poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.
Tomorrow’s sun will rise, either in splendour or behind a mask of clouds – but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.
This leaves only; one day – TODAY. Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of these two awful eternities – yesterday and tomorrow – that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives people mad – it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us, therefore, LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME.

When the group closes MM – I always say out loud the Serenity prayer whilst thinking of the people I have shared the hour with – it always seems particularly poignant when the members are in other countries. It is said at the end of every Gamanon meeting and I will be saying it on Tuesday evening at 21.00 hours UK time – I hope that by printing it here you will hold my hand in cyber space so that we can say it together – with or without the word God depending on your own preference.
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And Wisdom to know the difference.

The courage you are showing and which is building in you every day is the best thing you can do for your husband – well done
V

[velvet]

Hi Mermaid
This will be a bit of a potted version of a separation coping method as I am supposed to be somewhere else but I promised you I would put this on your thread. We can ‘talk’ about it over the next however long. As I told you it is not a method recognised professionally but it worked for me and it works for many.
Imagine your husband’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten his addiction it will stays quiet, although don’t ever kid yourself that it isn’t watching and listening.
Your husband is controlled by his addiction but it is important to remember that you do not have to be. When you threaten his addiction, it will come between you and control the conversation or argument. His addiction is the master of threats and manipulation which you are not and nor do you want to be. Once his addiction beast is between you, the only thing you will hear will be his addiction speaking and because it only knows lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. When you speak the addiction distorts your words and your husband can’t comprehend your meaning.
My CG explained it to me by saying that while I was telling him (for instance) that if he didn’t lie but lived honestly he would be happy, his addiction was distorting his mind convincing him that I was lying because he truly believed that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure – he was lost and fought back with blame and lies because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism. The addiction to gamble only offers failure to those who sadly own it.
I believe F&F waste valuable time ‘wanting’ to believe that the CG they love is telling the truth and that ‘this’ time, maybe, he/she is different. I think it is good, although difficult, to not ‘try’ and believe the CG because in doing so you become receptive. If you can stand back a bit and listen to what your husband is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you.
By looking after you first you will become stronger, you will be able to reclaim your own life and that is the right way forward for both of you. In pitying a CG you can become vulnerable to his addiction – don’t pity him but be strong and stand against his addiction, it is what he needs most of all.
I will leave it there and go to where I should be – it was good to ‘talk’ tonight.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Michelle
Unfortunately my words regarding the final sentence in your post have to be blunt or I would be doing you a disservice. You will go through the heartache again and again and the feeling in the pit of your stomach will not go away until your partner seeks treatment and actively goes about changing his life. The words his is using such as ‘sorry’ and ‘I love you’ are meaningless until the addiction is addressed.
With regard to the fraud action being taken against you I can only offer you my opinion, based on experience and that is – if I were in your shoes I would not cover up for a CG. The more cover-ups the active CG gets the more their addiction grows. Taking responsibility for their addiction is the first step a CG makes towards a gamble-free life and if your CG is not prepared to take that step he is not seriously trying to sort himself out.
I hope in time you will not be ashamed to call this man your son’s father. He didn’t ask for, or want, his addiction – he didn’t know when he first gambled that addiction was to be his lot. However at the present time I understand your feelings and in this forum it is you that is forefront in my concern.
You say that ‘we’ are in the midst of working out the problem of the phone but if your partner is actively gambling, as you believe, I think it is best you accept that you are on your own with this worry and look after yourself first I can believe he loves you, I can believe he is sorry but in my opinion the sorrow expressed by an active CG is sorrow for themselves that their poor choice of behaviour is not working out for them – they see problems as glitches to be overcome by somebody else, thus allowing their addiction free rein again. I really do know how you feel and I know how hard it is to do the right thing for yourself but you cannot save your partner from himself – only he can do that.
Give your partner directions to those who can support him such as GA, Gordon Moody, dedicated addiction counsellors or this site and then look after you and your son first.
It is often easier to enable and close your eyes to the problem but you now know it won’t go away until he seeks positive change and acts on it. Your eyes are open and however bad it is you are not in denial. Keep posting, you are doing well even if it doesn’t feel as though you are.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Mermaid
I don’t think that anyone should ever suggest you leave or stay with your husband – such a decision is yours and yours alone. Give yourself all the time you need to gain knowledge of your husband’s addiction because informed decisions are better. The negative comments you have received from Gamcare do not help you or your husband.
All the CGs I have known have been good people who, through no fault of their own, own a terrible addiction that causes very, very, poor behaviour, they need treatment and support which is available for many, sadly it seems it is not readily available in Cuba.
It might not seem very helpful but I assure you that looking after you is the best thing you can do for yourself and your husband. If you collapse under the pressure of his addiction you become another of its victims and then you will be unable to support anybody. It is better for him when he is trying to turn his life around that you are not part of the wreckage of his addiction– it is not something your husband would want. He needs you to be strong.
It is not for me to say whether you focus too much on others but it is essential to focus on your own health and well-being if you are to be a good support. I think it would be good if you could tell him that you are seeking support for yourself and that you know that enabling his addiction only feeds it – clearing his gambling debts only leaves it clear for him to gamble again and so the cycle goes on.
This week the F&F group is on Thursday and I do hope you can join. If you click on ‘Support Groups’ at the top of this page, then hover your mouse over ‘Friends and Family Peer Support at 20.00 hours UK time, the green box will appear. Click on the word ‘Join’ and you will be in the group.
Keep posting Mermaid, I will walk with you for as long as you want me to do so
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Mermaid
I am glad that you are here to learn and reflect using this forum – I hope you will find in it the support you need and that you will gain strength from knowing you are with those who really do understand.
In answer to your question regarding CGs and whacked out relationships with money, it would be fair to say that your husband’s situation is common but also to say that much of what you have written is unique to your situation.
Your husband has said that he appreciates he has a problem and that he wants to stop gambling. Of course words are easy and a gamble-free future will require action accompanying the words, however I hear what you say about the difficulty of getting the support he needs in Cuba. I hope you will feel able to tell him about this site and all our resources.
Although the environment you have described sounds incredibly difficult and your husband will have to be very determined if he really wants to change his life, I can tell you that I would not be writing to you now if I didn’t positively ‘know’ that a gamble-free life is possible if he wants it enough.
He is very lucky to have you willing to support him in the way you are already doing. You cannot stop your husband gambling but you can give him good support that will help him if he chooses to take the leap of faith and control his addiction. Knowledge of the addiction to gamble will give you power over it and help you cope. How do you communicate with him? Does he have any access to the internet at all? Does he have any friends or family in Cuba that know about his addiction and to whom he can talk?
Well done writing your first post, I suspect it was very hard to write. I have read it a few times and I can hear how and why you are finding it difficult to come up with any solution. I will put my thinking cap on and hopefully support you as you deserve. I think that keeping a journal is an excellent way to plot your progress and ‘your’ progress is very important for you and ultimately for your husband. Your husband didn’t want or ask for this terrible addiction in his life anymore than you did, I hope it will help if you can give him hope that he can succeed. Although you have described a very desperate situation, I feel the more information and support that you husband can receive the greater his hope will be.
We have a terrific Helpline which is open between 0900 and 17.00 hours UK time and is available for you and your husband – the advice is one-to-one and private.
I am going to leave it there Mermaid until I hear from you again. I have an F&F group on Thursday between 20.00 – 21.00 hours UK time where you will be very welcome.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Mermaid

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi June
Nomore has made some very valid points. Maybe the doctor is arranging for your boyfriend to see a dedicated counsellor but for many CGs there is nothing as good as talking to those who share the experience of addictive gambling. GA is not an organisation that requires an appointment – all CGs are welcome to every meeting.
It is common for CGs to truly avoid controlling their addiction and to keep one foot in the door just in case an escape route (in their perception) becomes unavoidable. It is scary to face ones demons and admitting them to other people is something that they struggle with. As Nomore says, it is an addiction of secrecy, so ‘talking’ openly is not something that comes easily. Likewise not telling his father, especially with his father willingness to enable, is a fact your boyfriend’s addiction is well aware of.
These points are not given to frighten you – they are hopefully guidelines that help both you and your boyfriend. He won’t consciously be thinking ‘I won’t go to GA, I won’t tell my father because I may want to gamble tomorrow but when all is said and done he has a terrible addiction that needs handling carefully. Unfortunately you cannot save your boyfriend, only he can do that and if he is avoiding the support he needs he will struggle too much.
I don’t find it trivial that you write that you were sad about not getting a birthday present – I take it that your friends and family are still unaware that you boyfriend is a CG. If they were aware it would be easier for you to say that you have an agreement that is working for you as a couple. All couples have different ways of handling different situations within their relationships – you are handling the finances in your relationship and that is right for the two of you, what other people think doesn’t matter – but I do know that the longer the addiction is covered up, the harder it gets to appease ‘interested’ family and friends.
I might be missing something but it does seem to me that ‘you’ are doing all the work towards supporting your boyfriend and I do know that his addiction will be quite happy to sit back and let you do it. A CG can often ‘dry ‘gamble’ in early recovery, mistakenly believing that abstinence is recovery – it isn’t’. ‘Dry’ gambling is where no money is involved but the addiction is still very alive and kicking in the head of the CG. It is a very good way to get F&F to relax and believe that all is well so that they remove the barriers and begin again to accept ‘odd’ behaviour. By dry gambling, the CG can keep the addiction juices flowing until it can burst the banks again.
I hope you write back soon – and of course you will be welcome in an F&F group. Keep your thoughts coming – you are doing well but looking after you is more important than all the research into your boyfriend’s addiction.
Velvet

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