[velvet]

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Hello Andi

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Caroline
Yes there is hope, there is always hope, if there was not I wouldn’t be writing to you, However the addiction your husband owns doesn’t like giving up easily – his misguided belief that he is control is a common belief and hard to change.
It is so difficult once the wall of anger and hate without respect has grown up, but there is no judgement here because I think those who love CGs would have to be saints to keep their emotions under control and saints we are not.
So what can you do? I am sure you have read other posts and seen that the best thing you can do for yourself, you children and your husband is to look after you first. It never seems to be much of a ray of hope but the reason it works is as follows. However poor your husband’s behaviour is he is not ‘deliberately’ trying to hurt you although his addiction will bring you all the way down if you allow it to do so. If you are down his addiction has an easy job and you will not be able to help anybody. Your husband believes in his addiction and his ability to control it because he is a gambling addict but ‘you’ are not and it is important never to forget that. You have logic and reasoning, he has not. It is easier, even though it is very difficult, for you to change your life and you will do it better if you are in control. When he does take control of his life, you will not be part of the wreckage of his addiction. With knowledge of the addiction that is hurting you, you will be stronger that his addiction even though it doesn’t feel like it. All these things add up to you putting yourself first.
Your husband denies is he is doing things that hurt because if he accepts he is doing so he will have to take responsibility for it and that he is not willing to do so. He will also have a poor memory, as all the lies he has told will have become the memories he believes in – they will be his distorted truth,
I am going to leave my first post to you there for now as I have something that I have to do but I will write again soon and hopefully you will also receive other replies.
I would like you to do something that pleases ‘you’ today and every day, something that the addiction has stopped you doing because it has filled you mind 24 hours a day – a walk in the part with the children, a game, make a phone call to a friend, anything that is not gambling related. While you are doing it I want you to think of anything but gambling – it is so easy to give our minds over to worrying about the addiction but worrying will not do anything but wear you out. Do you have family to support you?
I know you don’t want a Ferrari, I know exactly what you want and I will support you for as long as you want me to do so and hopefully you will find that peace in your life.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Caroline

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Dear MM
I read your post a few hours ago and it has played itself back to me as I was having coffee with a friend – I have been thinking what would I say to MM if we were sitting together enjoying a cup of coffee or a glass of wine and I realised it would be to tell you that ‘it will be ok’.
A terrific amount of what you write comes from within you – it is not words you have read or heard on this site or elsewhere – ‘you’ are doing the work on yourself, using the pointers given to you, ‘you’ are building the barriers that will protect you. You have recognised the severity of the problem before you, you know all the theory but you don’t feel you have put it into practice yet – I believe you will do well.
Barriers are not brick walls, they are threads of understanding that we weave around ourselves until whatever is trying to hurt us can’t get in. My CG is still a CG, he always will be, so I have barriers – I can share things with him and enjoy him without fear of being hurt. My barriers were erected a long time ago by soul-searching and learning, just as you are doing now – it wasn’t him that saved me from his addiction – it was me, it wasn’t ‘his’ actions that changed my life, it was ‘mine’.
In this post I am deliberately not going to mention your husband’s behaviour that concerns you so much, I am going to focus on the one person who ‘will’ make a difference to what happens when you see him again. Of course you are increasingly nervous about returning to Cuba but it will not stop you going – when you are ready. No, you probably can’t access this site or other support while you are there but the words, love and knowledge that has surrounded you here will go with you.
As you so rightly said ‘Step by step. Day by day’, you cannot move any faster. Every day that is passing is making you stronger even though your nervousness increases. I remember the sheer, sleepless terror of seeing my CG again 6 months into his rehab programme – ‘how would he be’, ‘would I be OK?’ I believe that as a consequence of me being stronger and less afraid I was quieter and as a result did more listening than I had ever done before although for a time egg-shells would have been easy to walk on by comparison. In my case my CG had changed his life BUT and it is a big but – if he had not changed – I knew then, for positive, that I had. Recovery isn’t easy and I mean the recovery for F&F – old fears, doubts, memories don’t die away fast, a lot of things have to be swallowed or they will choke the recovery. Of course it helps if the CG has changed but I believe now that there comes a point when those who love CGs can say and really mean ‘no more’ – if they want it to happen enough and are willing to allow it to happen.
So do as you say and focus on ‘your’ positives, the person who was not afraid to travel alone, the person who supports others, the person that I have had the pleasure to share time with in the groups, you are a very special person and a survivor.
Whatever you do in the coming week or two MM, I believe you will do well. You ‘know’ what you are up against, you might be confused by some of what you hear, you might fall for some of the manipulation that comes with the addiction but you will not go back to the way you were before. ‘You’ have brought yourself to this point of awareness because you really are stronger than your husband’s addiction. Never forget too that whatever you do you will be understood here without judgment.
I look forward to having another group with you before you go. I don’t doubt that you will cope when you return to Cuba because unlike what you said to Jenny, I know you ‘will’ follow your own advice because ‘you’ are making sense.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Jenny
You are in the School of Hard Knocks where everything hurts and the only way to graduate with flying colours is to care for yourself and your children first.
Your ex has a selfish addiction, it takes everything and gives nothing back to those who love the CG and ultimately to the CG as well. It might look as though he is doing alright and living well while you struggle but the reality is that your ex is living a lie and those who are enabling him will feel the terrible backlash of his addiction given time. They will have to deal with it one day but in the meantime they are not your problem and on this forum it is ‘you’ that matters.
Don’t concern yourself that you have horrible thought about your ex – I don’t think it is possible they are worse than the thoughts that I had. You will heal and you will realise that this addiction makes us think things that we would never have believed possible – it doesn’t mean we turn into nasty minded people.
I suspect your ex’s addiction has recognised that it has lost its grip on you and the anger you are witnessing is its final sabre-rattling to unnerve and blame you. Don’t worry that your 10 years together feel like they were based on a lie; with all the anger flying around it is impossible to think straight – I believe your answer will eventually lie in your own words ‘the husband I had, when he wasn’t gambling, would never have put me and my kids at risk.’
I wouldn’t be surprised if you were feeling sorry for yourself – a little self pity doesn’t do any harm, it is only when we wallow too long that we endanger our recovery. However, you are not wallowing; you are doing well, even if you don’t feel it.
I hope you will pop in to a group one Tuesday; I am really pleased that you have first-rate friends but I appreciate that only those who have lived with this addiction can fully appreciate how it feels.
It does take time to get strong, after all a lot of damage has been done but I have every faith that you will make it. I would be doing you a disservice if I didn’t say that there will be more ups and far too many downs before you heal – the road you are walking is one of the toughest but it does come to an end.
Keeping a journal may help you – it is good to look back and see what you have achieved and what you have overcome.
I can’t help but see the injustice of your ex receiving £1000 and you being in debt because of his actions. I admit I don’t know the legal answer but maybe the CSA would be interested, how about approaching the CAB – it seems the gloves have come off and you have nothing to lose by doing a bit of shouting. His parents possibly feel they have a right to it, to offset some of their son’s debts but his children must have priority I would have thought.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Jenny
In the hope that you are reading the forum this evening, it would be great to meet you in the group at 20.00 -21.00 hours UK time this evening.

I will reply to your post soon anyway but ‘talking’ in real time is often beneficial.

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi contactvictoria

We are more than happy to support you but please give more information. Is this your husband, son, brother?
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi MM
Having spoken a lot in real time I have an understanding of your motives and intention – I certainly don’t think decisions are easy for you – you need time and I understand that you need to see your husband again. Nobody has a crystal ball and nobody else has the right to tell you what to do.
I agree with your decision to return to Cuba. You are in limbo at the moment, neither sure of your own strength nor sure of your husband’s state of mind and behaviour. I think I have more faith in your ability to resist his addiction than you have – you have come on leaps and bounds and you know the dangers. You are not ready to walk away from your husband but you are also not saying you intend to hang in regardless. You are thinking clearly and you want to see your husband again which is perfectly natural.
In my opinion MM, armed with all the information you have accumulated, you will be able to get close to the addiction again without getting burnt up – what you allow is up to you, what you will not allow is up to you – the little word with the big meaning is ‘no’ – use it and you will be safe. This forum, Group and Helpline will be available to you when you can connect – there will be never be any judgement.
Hoping to ‘speak’ tomorrow evening
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Ivy
Well I am glad you have stopped bobbing in and out and have taken the time to start a thread. Bobbing is alright when you have your head above water but not so good when you are being dragged down. Hopefully your time here will help you stay afloat until you reach dry land.
Well done on getting the mortgage in your own name – you have done the right thing safe-guarding your children’s home.
I am not sure I have understood your words correctly but did you put the blocks on your husband’s phone and internet because he wanted you to do so – in other words, does he accept he has an addiction and has he asked for your support?
We cannot stop our loved ones gambling – only they can do that. We can support if there is a willingness to change on the part of the CG (compulsive gambler) but we cannot force that change. Some years ago I witnessed a man unwillingly brought to a GA meeting by his desperate wife, mother and daughter – sadly, I never heard that he had returned.
The addiction to gamble is nothing to do with money – money is a means to an end, a tool to indulge an addiction that hurts those with it and those around it. Is your husband working and covering his debts or is he seeking enablement from you and/or others? What is it about his behaviour that upsets you the most? Is he always a good dad and step-dad or do the boys know that something is amiss? Are you staying with him just for the boys?
Keep posting Ivy – the first post is the hardest. Sorry for so many questions but it helps to put flesh on the bones of your experience. Knowledge of your husband’s addiction will give you power over it and with that knowledge hopefully you will find the brake on the roundabout, giving you time to slow it down until you can decide what is right for you.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Ivy

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Sara
If you come back to this thread I hope you will see this post and start your own thread.
I don’t think it matters how much we read information, there is nothing as good as a personal message that is just for you.
You say that you are/were in the same position as Jenny and that is a place that is recognised on this forum.
I don’t believe that anybody wakes up one morning and thinks – oh good that unpleasant experience is behind me – it takes time and certainly in my case it took an awful lot of time, to really leave the horror of the addiction in the past.
You are as welcome on this forum as anybody still living in the midst of the addiction and I hope you will write again so that you can be supported as you deserve to be.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Dhok0
It seems to me that your brother should be the one for you to speak to – I can hear that you need support and this is not something you should be carrying alone.
I cannot second guess how your brother will react and I can only make a suggestion about what to say. It would be better, in my view, to say that you are worried about something but you are unsure – just as you have been writing here – allow him to push the idea around in his head, just as you have. If he is totally unaware this will be hard for him – it is not something any of us would want to hear. If you are right about your father though and it seems to me, from what you have written, that you are, then it is better for those close to him to know, or they could unwittingly enable and feed his addiction.
You do not have to act – I believe your father is making poor choices and they are not your fault – the problem is his, not yours, regardless of your relationship I have a friend whose husband is an undeniable CG but she won’t seek help – she said that if she does she will have to face something she doesn’t want to face. I have no right to tell her that she must seek support and although I do try to help her I have to respect her right to live her life as she thinks right for her.
We all have to make our own choices Dhoky0 – with knowledge of the addiction we hopefully make better ones but in my opinion you should not have your life blighted by your father’s behaviour. You are in your last year of university and your life is before you – the life that your father helped to bring into this world. With rationality and logicality your father would be rightly proud of you for growing up to be the wonderful caring person that you are, he would be ashamed for bringing you emotional distress – but unfortunately his addiction is neither rational nor logical and it will bring you down if you allow it. In that lies the answer I think – don’t allow his behaviour to take away your self-esteem and confidence. You matter. Your success is important.
Your brother cannot take care of the problem anymore than you can, only your father can change the way he is – but sharing your concerns with him will surely help you and that really, really is important for you and ultimately for the man your father would wish himself to be.
Keep posting – you are being heard and understood. The Tuesday group is there for you if you want to communicate in real time – you will be very welcome.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Dohky0
I think you would do well to learn as much as you can about the addiction to gamble before you try and address your father’s problem at all as an active gambling addiction is extremely difficult to confront. If you are sure that he has a real problem then possibly it would help if you downloaded the 20 questions that are listed on the gamblers anonymous web site and then leave them where he can see them because maybe he isn’t aware that his behaviour is causing you distress and it might help him to know that it is – I say leave them where he can see them rather than giving them to him which could result in an unpleasant stand- off.
Are you still living at home? You say that you are the only one who knows about your concern but if your father is a CG your mother will more than likely be very aware that things are not right. I don’t know how old you are but in my opinion it would probably be better for you to share your worry with your mother first – maybe it would help her to know she has someone to talk to.
Speak again soon – the forum is quiet but I hope that other members will read your thread and respond,
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Jenny
Welcome from me to Gambling ^Therapy.
I am on holiday at the moment so my post to you will be brief but as nobody I am on holiday with is about at the moment– I have a moment to reply to you.
I know the overwhelming feelings you are experiencing. I hope that between us and the other members who will reply to you, you can lock some of your whirring thoughts away in a dark recess in your mind, to be let out later when you are feeling less stressed.
You are not stupid Jenny, you have been overtaken by a monstrous addiction that you neither asked for nor wanted – given strength you will see the addiction for what it is and not as something you cannot control. It is your husband who has the addiction, not you, you are tougher than you think you are and you will survive. You will gain knowledge of his addiction on this site and that will give you power over it – it is a slow process but it works – I know because I have done it.
I think from, what you have said, you have control of your husband’s wages. Do you have accounts in your own name that he has no access to so that you can protect yourself and your children?
The finance manager and the offer of business and pleasure set bells ringing for me. She has money at her disposal and what does your husband want to get his hands on more than anything? I don’t minimise this behaviour but I recognise it. The girl is wise not to respond – he is not offering pleasure, he is seeking enablement. As I said above, seeing the addiction for what it is does help but this does also not mean that he didn’t marry you for the right reasons. Believe in yourself, look after yourself, you are stronger than his addiction.
I have a group tomorrow evening, Tuesday between 20.00-2100 hours UK time. It would be great if you could join so that we could communicate in real time. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum.
I have to sign off as my holiday companions are now about but I hope some of this helps.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Dohk0

Unfortunately the group closed as I was telling you that I am on holiday at the moment so I will not be posting until the 13th but I just wanted to welcome you to the forum – you are welcome and you are in the right place.
Velvet

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