[velvet]

Dear Caroline
In the middle of the confusion that is going on around you, how are you doing?
I cannot tell you what to do because I know how difficult it is to withhold money, etc from someone who is menacing. It is easy to say do this or don’t do that but in practise it is so much harder and when the manipulation is too great we don’t necessarily get it right – which is why looking after you is more important than anything else.
It is easy to become a detective in your own home and it is not a feeling that sits well with F&F. However trying to second guess what your CG is doing all the time is very wearing and achieves nothing. He will carry on in his own sweet way until he has had enough. Allowing a CG to fall is really hard but it is a whole lot easier when ‘you’ are strong.
I really hope you will get round to telling a friend. You do need support. I know that those who have not lived with the addiction to gamble cannot understand what is going on in your life but they can support you. You can get all the information you want here so you are not asking for opinions, just support for you and that is what a friend should want to give. Perhaps you could take a deep breath and say ‘Charlie is a compulsive gambler’ and leave it up to her to ask questions if she wishes or just give you a hug. Maybe she will not want to talk about it and you can change the subject but if she wants to support you then you have a true friend to turn to.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Caroline
Never apologise on this forum Caroline – I am really glad you feel better for writing that post because his behaviour was that of an obnoxious spoilt child. The tragedy is, he is not a child and that is why his nasty comments really hurt.
He doesn’t hurt you because he thinks your heart is made of stone – quite the opposite, he does it because you are vulnerable and his addiction is manipulative – it feels threatening because it is designed to get you to do or give what he wants.
The only way to deal with unjustified words being thrown at you by an active CG is to close your ears and recognise that they have an addiction and most importantly – you do not. He is not behaving responsibly towards his family and he is trying to deflect his failure to provide, on to you; but you know that you are a good mum; you know you are holding your home together and you must never forget it.
I do hope you have told your friend about your husband because keeping his secret is not good for you – or for him. When I first joined Gamanon it took me many, many weeks to say ‘hi I’m ******* and I am the mother of a compulsive gambler’. It was as though all the shame in world was heaped on to me and I wept for weeks when I tried to say the words. However with support from all the others I opened my mouth one evening and the words were out – the relief was immense and here I am 10 years on from that moment and I have never forgotten the feeling of relief – I have never felt that shame again.
Gradually Caroline you will gain your strength but you can only take little steps at the beginning. Going out with your friend today should feel like a big step – I hope so. I hope that even if you tell her about your situation at home there will be time for you to laugh together.
Speak soon
V

[velvet]

Hi Jenny
I would imagine after the threat he made that he is possibly trying to find out, using this implausible phone story, whether he has got away with it or not, with his history of violence on record, he is probably worried how you have reacted this time.
He ‘gave’ you the phone, he didn’t say he was lending it to you – it became your property and you down-graded it because you were short of money and needed to provide for your joint family when he was not providing.
He also might just want the phone back and with a memory that leaks like a sieve believe that it is his on demand. (If he is texting you I assume he already has one phone!) If it was me, I would have done the same as you but if you are worried maybe you could talk to the CAB or the phone company to set your mind at rest.
Possibly it is just a matter of shaking the dirt off but in my opinion you will need a bit of extra help, a physical, visual, presence to push the cart up the hill, if he makes any more threats.
It doesn’t surprise me that you are anxious, any mother would be in this situation. In my opinion it is good to read the texts but not respond – just as you are doing. Any text that you sense is menacing, report it and talk about it to those who care about you – do not shoulder this on your own.
Its hard climbing a mountain and pushing a cart when your children are in the cart and need to be protected from harm but I have no doubt you will succeed, occasionally you need a bit of an extra hand and you should never be afraid to ask for help but you are doing great.
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Caroline
Does your friend know that you husband has an addiction to gambling? Are you going out with her or is the meeting in your home?
In my opinion, seeing your friend is most important – it is a pleasure for you and a break from the addiction and that is what you need. I am of the opinion that enabling you to have a break is so important that I am inclined to say give him a little and enjoy your time or if your friend doesn’t mind the row don’t give him any at all.
You will become powerful when you look after yourself and I know you can do it.
Vera, Sad and I are in agreement Carolinea – ‘you’ matter.
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Cathy

How is your son doing?

I hope your Gamanon group is thriving, I am sorry the time differences mean you cannot join our groups but I just wanted to let you know you are ‘always’ heard and that all is well here.

Velvet

[velvet]

Hey B
It is good to hear from you. It is good to hear your husband is still gamble free. It is not good to hear that the other problems have not gone away.
It seems to me that watching porn as he does comes under Step 4 and I am wondering if he didn’t like what he saw in himself when he went to the retreat.. Maybe it would help to discuss this Step with him or ask him how he felt on the Retreat. Is he still in contact with his sponsor?
Of course I cannot know anymore than you whether he loves you or not but clearly he is still struggling with himself. Are his parents still a major factor in your lives?
It’s been a while B and I don’t know what has happened in the meantime. Did he complete his course to become a teacher? How is your job?
You were asking yourself in a previous post;- why ” i am sticking around.

Is it fear? Is it finances? Is it doubt whether I do love him still? Will he change?
I know you do a lot of thinking and I wonder if you have come to any conclusions over these questions.
Finally — How are your lovely children? Are your husband’s fathering skills progressing?
You say you are not happy with your husband a lot of the time – are you therefore happy with him for some of the time and if so what does that happiness entail?
Speak again soon B – I missed you
V

[velvet]

Hi Jenny
I am so pleased to see you posting again – I had begun to think that you had read the ‘less-than-helpful’ posts and decided to leave. Over the years many of our friends from ‘My Journal’ have popped in to our forum with support and they have been and will be very welcome however, I am glad this episode is now over and we can move on.
You are doing what is right for you and your daughter, you are also doing what is right for your ex husband but he will only see that when he controls his addiction. As my CG told me – I did everything wrong for all the right reasons, it was only when I changed and did things that didn’t necessarily feel right for me at first that anything changed at all.
Pot noodles, soup and porridge were perfect for a starving man – well done. I don’t read his words on social media as you do; I find them very sad and lacking in hope. I think he is bolstering himself up by saying, ‘look at me – I’m doing alright’, when he must be feeling failure every day.
Unfortunately his family’s unhelpful comments probably can’t be deleted. You can possibly ignore them or maybe tell them once and for all that they are not helping anybody – least of all their son. I think it is good to write down under headings what you are prepared to say when you are feeling good, stick to the script and don’t get involved in their needs and justifications, which do nothing for you, or in fact their son. Perhaps something along the lines of ‘when you are prepared to stop justifying Fred’s addiction I will be only too pleased to talk to you…………. but until then I will have to end this call now’
Families often close your eyes hoping the problem will go away but you know it will not. Of course you are not being harsh when you feel your ex should have contributed towards his daughter’s costume, just as you are not being harsh refusing to communicate with his family as long as they are in denial and hurting you further.
There are many lovely blogs such as the one you read. This one was also written by a CG but I think it works well for us too. I hope you like it and I hope I ‘see’ you tonight.

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway
It just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone’s amazement he quietened down
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back
the donkey was doing something amazing
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer’s neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal,
he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a stepping stone.
We can get out of the deepest well by standing still.
So dust yourself down and know that you are going right way – up.

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Ivy
Many compulsive gamblers say they stop at certain things but if the addiction is not treated it is impossible to say how far they would go – the depths become greater as the addiction becomes more powerful.
I have often heard a CG say that they would not go to GA because they would be recognised, as business people, police officers, soldiers, church-goers etc. GA however is not about the position they hold in life but it is about an addiction that equalises them and has the power to ruin them whoever they are. I am not saying your husband has used this as an excuse but after hearing it so often I do wonder!
This site is anonymous so who he is and what position he holds is immaterial. He can communicate with our Helpline which is one-to-one, he can join our CG only groups where he will be welcome and/or he can write in ‘My Journal’ where he will receive support. Your thread can be made invisible if you fear recognition.
You said that you wished you had it in you to leave your husband – is he aware of the strength of your unhappiness and the possible outcome if he continues to indulge his addiction? Is the friend you were going to text, someone you can talk to – do you have support from family?
Had he taken out the IVA yet?
So many questions because it seems to me that your husband is doing little to actually change – buying things for his family does not mean a change of heart but rather suggests a cover up to buy more time– only positive seeking of help indicates a true change and it gives more satisfaction.
Regardless of all of the above the important thing is ‘you’ on this forum and you are not saying much about yourself. Are you looking after yourself and doing things that you want to do. It is far too easy to be sucked into the addiction cycle and forget yourself. I am certain I remember you and it saddens me to read you are still in this same position. Sometimes it is good to stop and think of where we want to be in 5 years time or even a year – posting on here again would seem a pretty depressing thought.
Speak again soon – I know he can change but he is dragging his feet. Are his friends and colleagues his fellow gamblers? If not maybe they need to be let into the secret so they can support you by not encouraging him to gamble and by encouraging him to seek help.
V

[velvet]

Hi Hope
Ultimatums to a person with the addiction to gamble are a waste of breath, it is important never to threaten something unless you mean to carry it through. Your husband’s addiction is the master of threats and manipulation, if you make a threat and don’t see it through his addiction will grow stronger as it senses a chink in your armour.
Nobody should try and tell you to leave or to stay because it is ‘your’ life and decisions must come from you. Living with the addiction to gamble destroys self-confidence and self-esteem so making an informed decision is often the first step towards healing. If, after all your deliberations you decide to stay we have masses of information to help you cope – if however you decide to leave there will be no judgement here because it is sad fact that some gamblers do not change their lives unless they are allowed to fall all the way on their own.
Your thread is entitled ‘hope’ and I offer you this – I would not be writing to you if the addiction to gamble could not controlled. The gambler in my life did change and has since told me that as long as I enabled he could not see the point in facing his terrible addiction so estrangement was necessary for him and for me.
This forum will offer you support for as long as you want it and likewise in the group on Tuesday evening 20.00-21.00 hours UK time you will be welcomed and understood.
There is not always a good outcome for those who love gamblers and sometimes it is hard to know which way to go but to use my favourite quote by Mahatma Gandi, “You may never know what results come from your actions but if you do nothing there will be no results”.
I wish you well – keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Hope

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Lenore
I have guests arriving any minute so my post will have to be brief, however, I wanted to give you a personal welcome to the F&F forum and say a couple of things that sprang to mind on reading your post.
You have come into a forum Lenore that understands what is going on in your life and will not judge in any way. We pride ourselves that those who love CGs (compulsive gamblers) can talk and share freely here, thus gaining a knowledge that will help you make your own informed decisions – when ‘you’ are ready and not before.
At no time will it ever be suggested that you run. This is a natural reaction from those who are trying to do what is right for you without considering your feelings for the man you love – equally it will not be suggested that you stay in the relationship regardless of the damage your boyfriend’s addiction can cause. All the decisions about your life should come from you
I also understand the feeling that you found baffling – I too admit that I was jealous that it took others to change my CG’s life when I had done everything I could to save him. I now know that I could not save him and I understand why, I will talk about that later.
I would not be writing to you if I didn’t ‘know’ that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and fantastic lives lived as a result so you are definitely not stupid in your hope. There is much to say but I will leave my first post there.
The first post is always the hardest, so well done writing yours
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Lenore

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi M
Sometimes it is impossible not to hold your breath at times like this but whatever else you do I want you to keep breathing and doing exactly what you have been doing so far.
In view of the text, if it was me, I would ask him if he wants to talk. He may be already regretting his words, after all he is talking about facing his demons and CGs like to put it off it they can, If he is regretting then say no more, there is no point in pushing – just carry on as usual. If he says that he wants to talk then suggest a mutual time at a place where you both feel safe. It is important that he talks – there is no point talking at him, maybe you could hang on to the sore throat a bit longer.
We do have the most amazing rehab which you have heard about but which he might not feel he is ready for if you go into the fray with it too quickly. I think it would be good for you to have a look at the Gordon Moody Association website before you speak to your CG. It is a fantastic charity and it has changed so many lives, including mine. Our Helpline would also be pleased to help you in any way with this. I only mentioned it once during a fraught call with my CG and he grabbed it like a drowning man, which indeed he was. Unlike my CG, yours is telling you he wants to change so I think that having information to hand is the best thing to do.
I appreciate your words when you say there is no change for you and that is the way I believe it needs to be for you, however, I know that this man is important you to as the father of your daughter and for that very good reason I think offering a place where he can get help is the finest way to help him. It may be best if you can discuss the finances of the residential support with our Helpline or with Gordon Moody before you approach your CG as he may well throw up that he can’t stop working etc. I hope you will find that there is hope for him.
I am not going to mention other supports such as GA, exclusion, counsellors at this point because your CG has gone down those roads before but also because I firmly believe that Gordon Moody is the finest answer for any CG who has finally had enough – and from the little your CG has said, this is possibly the case.
I look forward to hearing how you get on but can’t stress enough that nothing changes unless he acts positively – words are not enough, so keep looking after you first.
V

[velvet]

Hi Fresiajess

Hi Fresiajess
I know how easy it is to relate to the problems of other and to weep for them but your story is unique and however much you relate to Caroline, you are special and deserve to be heard too.
Please start your own thread; other members cannot give you the support that is individual to you on someone else’s thread.
At the bottom of the F&F forum page there is a box entitled ‘New topic’, click on it, give your thread a title and then write as much or as little as you want to about that which worries you. Scroll down and click on ‘Save’ and your thread appears on the forum.
I won’t write much here as this is Caroline’s thread but I do hope to be able to communicate with you soon when you start yours.
You are only a couple of clicks away from being with those who understand you and are willing to support you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi M
Well he is certainly making more hopeful noises.
I have just returned home and read your post but I would like to think about my reply because you are right that good encouragement is important. It is too late for me to try and put something so important together so I will reply tomorrow.
In the meantime keep looking after you and don’t raise your hopes too much – his words are good but the actions must follow or the words are meaningless.
V

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