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Hi WM
I wish you could have joined us too. I thought of you tonight in your group all those miles away – I hope it went well.
The clocks change at the weekend here, we fall back an hour, I don’t know whether that makes it easier or not
I love ‘progress not perfection’ as a topic – none of us will ever reach perfection and I am not sure I would like it if I could. I will gladly settle for progress
What time does your meeting end? I always say the Serenity Prayer when our one closes on the dot of 21.00 hours UK time – it would be great to think I was saying it with you.
Thanks for all the support you have been giving
VelvetHi Caroline
I look forward to ‘talking’ to you this evening
VelvetHi Caroline
In my opinion, telling a friend will be a release for you. I suggest you both have a coffee in front of you and you are sitting comfortably together, then take a deep breath and just come out with it ‘Mary I need to tell you that Fred is a compulsive gambler’. I would be surprised if she didn’t immediately ask what that means and then maybe you could tell her a little of what it means to you, Don’t worry if you cry, I remember the first time I said it I choked on the words. It took weeks to get them out but having done so the relief was fantastic. How far you go with what you tell her will probably depend on her reaction – I have found many people are genuinely interested and a few remain totally blank, which is not surprising, as you and I know, it is hard to believe.
I feel that this would be a good step for you to take towards ‘your’ recovery. Your recovery is so important Caroline, not just for you and your sons but for your partner also.
When your partner is calm, maybe you could talk to him about feeing afraid when he is throwing things around – if he is not a violent person he may be shocked to hear he has scared you.
I think you are right when you say that your partner has got used to you being an enabler over the years – I suspect he is confused by the change in you and in frustration appears to have caused chaos for a reaction. ‘If’ you are ever afraid, however, please leave the home and seek help – the Women’s Aid can advise you on what support is available.
I will leave it there for tonight Caroline but please keep talking. I hope to ‘see’ you tomorrow in the group.
VelvetHi Caroline
It seems your partner’s behaviour is intimidating and frightening. In my opinion, I think you would do well to approach Women’s Aid.
It seems to me that with his addiction running wild he is becoming more unstable. I don’t know whether you have confided in a friend yet or not but you are physically alone and that concerns me. Violence is not symptomatic of an addiction to gamble Caroline but if your partner was a violent man before he became a CG, his addiction could trigger violent reactions.
You are not the slightest bit dumb; you are fantastic the way you are putting your message across. I agree with worriedmama that your husband is deaf but this behaviour is totally unacceptable.
Please keep posting and please look after yourself
VelvetHi Anni
I am really glad that you and your husband are united over your son’s problems – the addiction is divisive and so often couples struggle with each other.
With regard to your other children, I have dug up a thread I wrote entitled ‘Siblings’ because when addiction is in your home everyone is affected – I hope it helps.
Your son went through the GM programme Anni but it seems he didn’t take on board all that there was on offer – we have an ex-residents group on Monday evenings at 7pm where he could maybe do some rethinking, like all the other groups he can be as anonymous as he likes. The ex-residents understand the pressures of taking the tools into their lives and struggling – nobody could ever say recovery is easy. I have heard the process described as a seed planted that needs nurturing to become strong – the blossom comes a lot later.
When my son left GMA I was terrified of making a mess of things just in case this really was a true bid for a gamble-free life, I wanted to back the programme up but of course I had no knowledge of how to do so. Through fear, not judgement, I asked him to help me understand because I wanted to get things right, and I soon realised he had to learn to trust me! He had learned to open up and talk on the programme but he was reticent with us for a very long time – I suppose it was to protect him from the backlash he was obviously expecting – and which he received from others. Whereas you and your husband are doing your best not everybody is prepared to let him ‘get away with it’ and you cannot protect him from the anger of others.
So my thought is that if he could/would talk to his old support worker, go in the ex-resident’s group or talk to the Helpline here, he may be able to say what has gone wrong for him, just as he did when he was on the programme.
The devastation that your husband is feeling when his son will not talk to him is felt by all who travel this lonely road. Early days of recovery are, in my opinion, tougher in many ways for F&F than the active addiction days. The GM programme probably felt like the Last Chance Saloon to you – I know it did to me, so with that hope dashed the world has caved in and you are left feeling as you do now. The invisible walls your husband wants to break down can be destroyed but in the meantime with knowledge of the addiction it will become easier for you to see your way forward. You can get masses of information on this forum about how to cope with your son’s addiction – we can be totally open in an F&F group.
Speak soon
VelvetDear San
It must be time for an update; you had a lot going on in your last post,
Hope to hear
VDear Anni
I get what you mean about hating the site but I don’t think you would be posting if you didn’t believe that for all the bad there must be good here too.
I would love to hear more about you and your son and maybe I can give you some support during this seemingly hopeless situation. As the mother of a CG I know where you are coming from and the depths of misery you are finding yourself in following the ray of hope that was snuffed out after your son went to Gordon House.
You have said ‘we’ so I am wondering if you have a husband/partner to support you at this time. I hope you don’t find me intrusive and I know I am generalising but often husbands, partners, families give up before mothers and their seeming disinterest adds to the overwhelming misery. I know I am surmising and I hope you will post again and put me straight.
I can hear your strength and I am glad of it. I hope you will feel you can share with me because I know that my son will always a CG just like yours so I know how hard this post must have been for you to write.
I have a group on Tuesdays 20.00-21.00 hours UK time where we communcate in real time – it is for Friends and Families only and nothing said in that group leaves the room. We are able to be very open and I believe it is a place of comfort from which members gain strength. Our helpline is one-to-one Anni and it is manned by at least one CG who has been through Gordon House and is living in control of the addiction to gamble – maybe it would help to talk there, I don’t think anybody could understand more than someone who has been in your son’s shoes – it is private and you can express your feelings safely.
It probably is just a matter of coming to terms but my gosh I know the terms are terrible to contemplate. There are positives Anni and maybe between us we can find them – I hope so.
I wish you well and hope you will post again
VelvetHi Jenny
You were missed last night.
I was concerned that he wanted your bank details and I am pleased that it seems he wanted them for a good reason, however, I do wonder whether it wouldn’t be a good idea to open another account that he knows nothing about. I may be over-cynical but I think it is always best that CGs do not have access to pin numbers but also that they do not know where any money may be saved. Keep the account open of which he now knows the details but don’t save the majority of your money in it.
His lies on social media are totally in keeping with his addiction, I couldn’t begin to hazard a guess as to why he should do this but weird though it is, this behaviour does not surprise me in any way. Reacting as you did is understandable but I think, now you have recorded this behaviour, you will not fall for it again – it is so wearing playing the detective and it leaves you feeling down – don’t worry most F&F, in this situation, have done it!
The other thing that I think most, if not all, F&F have done is to cry for the loss of their loved one. Even when all the bad stuff is heaped upon you, the memories rise up and the tears come, personally I think it is right that they do because you are grieving and grieving is painful and takes time – but does pass
Your reality at the moment seems bleak but through it all you are successfully running your home and caring for your children, that is how you will succeed.
It is sadly possible that bailiffs will call at your door, they are a bit ferocious, they have to be, but I have approached many doors with bailiffs and they did have hearts, they just kept them well-hidden. Do not let them in; they do not have the right to force entry but they can enter doors that are open or unlocked. It is their job to demand payment on behalf of creditors who want their money and although it is terribly embarrassing for you, for them it is all in a day’s work. Talk to your local CAB about this.
Positive thoughts do desert us at times but hopefully they will soon return and life will be easier. Recording what is going on in your life as you are doing is great, you can look back and say ‘wow – I got through that – I can do this’. I already know you can do it Jenny.Marilyn Monroe was right.
Speak soon
VHi JLK
It looks like I have returned to you thread first so I will try and cover more of your concerns.
I cannot tell you if it is the gambling or his lack of feeling for you that has triggered this latest slip of his addiction but it is almost a certainty that you will have this conflict in your mind until your boyfriend faces his addiction and changes his life. It is impossible to know what is going on in the mind of someone who doesn’t want you to know and whose allies are secrecy and lies. I said ‘latest’ indulgence because it is unlikely that his behaviour is new – many CGs, who do not get support are binge gamblers who fall prey to their addiction after a break from gambling. Between the binges it is likely that he dry gambles – in other words gambles without money but because abstinence is not recovery he will fall again unless he seeks treatment.
I fully appreciate that you care and unfortunately his addiction will welcome that care. However I would not be writing on here if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and your boyfriend could have a wonderful life if he determines to change.
Arguing about your insecurities is his addiction seeking to blame you and give an excuse for his behaviour – never forget that you are not to blame for his gambling.
You ask if he can get better – I am sorry to say that your boyfriend will always be a compulsive gambler but he can learn to control his addiction and not gamble. Sadly ‘you’ cannot save him, only he can do that and he has to want to do it.
The casino is competition for you but worrying and nagging will not change him. If you want to continue with your relationship, you can learn ways to cope on this site. There is no judgement on this forum because everybody makes mistakes but I suggest that you do not accompany him to a casino in future as it could be taken as active encouragement.
Today I have an F&F group between 20.00 -21.00 hours UK time. You will be among those who understand and do not judge and you will be very welcome. Communicating in real time is great and you can rest assured that nothing said in the group appears on the forum.
I have painted a bleak outlook because the addiction to gamble is a terrible one and it seriously impacts on lives and can destroy them, however, many members have passed through this forum and gone on to live good lives with their CG, myself included.
I will wait to hear from you
Velvet