[velvet]

tämä on Hammylle

[velvet]

este é para o Hammy

[velvet]

deze is voor Hammy

[velvet]

यह एक यह हम्मी के लिए है

[velvet]

denne er den til Hammy

[velvet]

šis skirtas Hammiui

[velvet]

Hi Hammy
I am glad that you have already had relief from reading some posts on here and knowing you are not alone. Now that you are part of our forum I hope that soon you will be feeling less sick and tired and more like the person you want to be.
Not one word you have written is misunderstood, everything you have experienced is recognised on this forum, including wanting to rip his head off, so be assured that there is no judgement of either of you – just understanding.
You wrote that your husband is a good man, apart from when it comes to money but money is only the addiction’s tool, not the problem – the ‘gamble’ itself is the soul destroyer. I am bringing up my thread entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’ which I hope will help you.
As you have already found, shaming, swearing, shouting doesn’t change a thing, just as loving, forgiving, pleading, weeping does nothing, so where does that leave you? A favourite expression all over this site is that when nothing has worked ‘it is time to do something different’. My words may seem inadequate but the best way to combat this terrible addiction is to look after you first. I have no doubt your self-esteem and self-confidence are lying in shreds around you, leaving you vulnerable which gives your husband’s addiction the ability to have an unacceptable control of ‘your’ life. With knowledge of his addiction and with you in control of your life you will cope better and confuse his addiction in a way it has not been challenged before.
I suggest you put money into accounts over which your husband has no control and better still no knowledge. It is better to sleep on your purse than to lose money which causes you to become upset. Your daughters are too young to understand something which most of us with far too many years behind us struggle to understand. Personally I believe that trying to make sense of the senseless is just a waste of time and energy, time and energy better spent doing something you enjoy. With you back in the driving seat your daughters will have a wonderful role model to look up so that when they grow into young adults and learn about this addiction they will be strong, like their mother.
I am going to end my first post there Hammy apart from one question – does your husband accept he has a problem and if so does he want to change? There is an F&F only group tonight 20.00 -21.00 hours UK time where we communicate in real time. I hope these times are ok with you. It would be great to ‘see’ you there; nothing said in the group appears on the forum.
Well done writing this first post, the first one is the hardest.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Brownie
I’m glad you found this forum and site because I think you will find your answers and maybe know which way you want to handle matters.
What I cannot do is tell you what to do – what we do on this forum is give you knowledge of the addiction to gamble which will help you cope.
My CG’s (compulsive gambler) addiction was/is also poker – I say was because it was poker that brought him down and I say ‘is’ because he lives in control of his addiction. Like your partner he believed he could be a professional poker player.
The addiction to gamble is not about money – it is purely about the ‘gamble’ – a CG is a person who cannot walk away from that gamble until, usually, all is lost – this can be from the smallest monetary denomination to a house, children, marriage, everything.
When a CG loses, he/she loses self-belief and self-confidence and this can cause depression and anger resulting in poor behaviour such as lying and manipulation of those around them. Lies become a tool for survival and loved ones become the hoped for enablement. The lies and manipulation cause poor communication resulting in loss of friends; divided families and disinterest in other activities.
A possible way for you to access the depth of your partner’s interest in poker is to access the Gamblers anonymous website – gamblersanonymous.co.uk and download their ‘20 Questions’. It is a yardstick and not 100% but I have found it to a good starting point for those, like you, who are unsure. I also think it is good for the person with the potential problem to tick the boxes too as many CG do not appreciate they have a problem that is recognised and for which there is of masses of support.
I heard an alarm bell when I read that you believe that his poker ‘it is taking its toll’ so I think it is good that you have sought support. In my opinion it is good for potential CGs to know that their loved one has sought support too because to me it shows a determination to stand against the addiction and not against the gambler.
I will leave it there and wait for you to write again. I know there are professional gamblers and gambling is being pushed at us from all sides these days. It is a minefield and you have done well realising the danger exists.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Brownie

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi 123
I am hoping to move your post into the F&F forum which is above this forum but I am afraid to say I have forgotten how to do it at the moment so I will reply to you here and get you moved later. In the meantime carry on writing here.
What has your partner done so far towards controlling his addiction? Does he accept he has an addiction and does he want to control it?
The addiction to gamble is not about money, it is purely about the gamble and it is that which causes the poor behaviour, lies and secrecy. Although it is important to recognise that you cannot save your partner, with knowledge of his addition you will be able to cope and hopefully make a difference.
I have asked you a few questions to help me give you the individual support that you need – I will leave this first post here and await your reply.
You have definitely come to the right place
Welcome
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Caroline
I think you hit the nail on the head when you wrote that ‘He must have been thinking ‘oh wow that was easy’, – it would be the reaction of most CGs getting enablement with such little effort. I personally think it is scary how easy it is and how wrong it is that society allows vulnerable people to be exploited in this way.
Having said that, in my opinion you did the right thing sharing with his sister. You mention his sister and his dad – is that because you have more understanding with them and from them? What are they doing towards supporting you generally? How are they treating your partner?
In my opinion Caroline you need legal advice – you are being taken into a world of serious debts against your will. Many companies these days get a harder time than they used to when they lend money to vulnerable people but there is still not enough control. Your partner hasn’t got a clue what he is getting himself into, he is being driven by his addiction and taking you and his sons along for the ride.
I think you should keep talking to his family; they are the grandparents and aunt of your boys after all. Explain to them that shouting at him doesn’t work but maybe try and persuade them to encourage him towards taking control by seeking help for his addiction.
I would like to see you get off this roller-coaster soon Caroline but I think you need on-the-ground support, as the mother of three small boys you are vulnerable. It is time he realized that he cannot control his addiction without help from others and maybe it takes his family to get him to see that. Have you told him that you have sought support for you?
I hope to ‘speak’ to you later
V

[velvet]

Hi Determined
I’m glad you found this website too.
Compulsive gambling always comes from a recreational activity that others enjoy and often as long as enough money is earned to cover the losses many F&F are unaware that a serious problem could exist.
Contrary to the belief that most F&F have, in the early days – the addiction to gamble is not about money – it is the gamble that is all important and it is that which brings the mood swings, the dreadful behaviour and often the depression. What comes first, the depression or the addiction is often discussed in our forums – I do know that the addiction can cause depression because it brings nothing but feelings of failure and self-loathing to the person who owns it, day in and day out.
I am interested that your husband wants to make things good and is desperate to do so – has he taken any active steps towards controlling his addiction or is it just words? You say that you ‘need’ to get out even if he manages a few months or a few years – how true is this? A few years would be a good gamble-free life and one he would probably never give up.
I agree with Worriedmama that it is probably better if you take control of all of the finances while explaining to your husband that it is not a punishment but is the best way to support him in his desire to life in control of his addiction.
I would like to hear from you again before I write any more. I am not judging, I appreciate only too well the amount of damage your husband’s addiction has wrought and the possibility that you no longer love your husband but I also appreciate that your husband did not ask for or want his addiction anymore than you did. Knowledge of his addiction will give you power over it and help you cope.
Speak soon and if there is anything that you disagree with then come right back at me.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Jenny
Your ex may be trying to confuse you, but equally he may not be able to understand your problem with his parents because it doesn’t fit in with his selfish needs – he probably thinks (and in all probability may be right) that he is the root cause of the problems with them and that is a responsibility he is unwilling to shoulder – yet.
His call a few hours later suggests to you that he is just papering over in the hope his previous behaviour is forgotten but I also believe that he could genuinely have forgotten as his addiction distorted mind has moved on.
Lying is symptomatic of the addiction to gamble and it is common for CGs to lie to each other – particularly when they are trying to convince them that they are not the one at fault. This is why I believe it is important to leave what he says in his meeting to the rest of his group and not over-analyse why he has such a problem with truth. Other CGs, particularly those who are really trying to change are not fooled by the lies of another CG. I know, for instance, that my CG lied about me for a long time after he went into rehab and although his lies were not believed, his lying was understood. This was one of the things he told me much later to help me understand. Please be careful about listening to any other member of his group and without judgement, never forget that the person you are speaking to is in that group.
You are not a fool Jenny however much your ex’s addiction would like you to believe that you are. Things can be better and he can ‘grow up’ but to avoid more disappointments it is important that you get on with your life without allowing his addiction to spoil it.
When you change it is difficult for those around you to accept the change – they are used to you being as always and there seems to be a human desire to bring you back to who ‘they’ think you really are. It takes time, energy and masses of determination to stick up for the person you want to be, the person you really are – the person who rejects addiction. I believe your ex is confused too – ‘what has happened to dear old Jenny?’ A couple of hours later he tries again but ‘stone the crows me she isn’t falling for it!’ An addiction doesn’t give up easily – it thinks it knows you and can bring you back with the right word here and the right amount of ‘look at how sad I am’ there.
His addiction doesn’t know you Jenny, you really are stronger than it is – you are just a bit battle weary, actually more than a bit but however battle weary you are, you are definitely not down and out. You have a strength as yet untouched and it is getting stronger – you can win, you must win for your children, for you and ultimately for your ex.
I know your heart feels broken Jenny but it is only being stretched to its limits; be positive; gird up your loins; just for today believe in yourself; this horrible time will pass – if it wasn’t true, I would not be here.
V

[velvet]

<

Hello Determined Mum

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

<

Hello Geneve

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[Author]

Posts