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Hi Elizabeth
Well done to your other half going to GA and a massive well done to you for taking the trouble to find out how to support him.
He is doing the right thing letting his mother handle his finances and giving receipts – often CGs (compulsive gamblers) find it difficult to hand control of finances over but it sounds as though he is recognising a danger area, which suggests a determination to succeed.
As for embarrassment, maybe you could assure him that his addiction, which he neither asked for nor wanted, is not something to be ashamed about. I would imagine that at the beginning your partner gambled in the belief that he was going to enjoy a harmless pastime, just like so many people do every day, in every walk of life; he could not have known that gambling was harmful for him, or I am sure he would not have indulged in the first place. Sadly he did unwittingly cross the line and now has a gambling addiction which is difficult to control but is more easily controlled when there is support.
In my opinion, listening to him when he has been to a meetings is important – sometimes F&F want to do all the talking but the CG often has trouble understanding, so listen and then maybe gently ask questions about what he tells you. Through more luck than judgement I asked my CG to help me when he began his recovery – up until then I had always told him what I thought he should do. Through lack of knowledge I said all the wrong things even though I said them for all the right reasons.
Enjoy time with him without the G word. If he is trying to change his life if would be good if he could see that there is fun and laughter to be had without gambling.
Please be on your guard because his addiction is invasive and destructive; to best support him, never leave your purse or cash unattended and protect your pin numbers. In these early stages it would be unwise to trust him because he cannot trust himself yet.
I think it is best to deal with today and not worry at this point about the future. Knowledge of his addiction will give you power over it but gaining that knowledge takes time and effort and isn’t easy, there almost certainly will be ups and downs.
I have brought up my thread entitled ‘the F&F Cycle’ so that you can see behaviour patterns, I hope it will help.
Well done starting your thread. Keep posting on the forum and hopefully join me in the F&F group next Tuesday 20.00-21.00 hours UK time – it is good to communicate in real time knowing that nothing that is said appears on the forum. Finally I have to say that I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know the addiction to gamble can be controlled.
Velvet<
Hello Daria
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, youll find the times for these if you click on the Group times box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself youll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and theyll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If youre the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isnt connected with GMA, please dont identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
Youll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which youll follow, some you wont…but thats ok because only you fully understand your
situation and whats best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you dont because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at ourprivacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
<
Hello Elizabeth
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, youll find the times for these if you click on the Group times box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself youll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and theyll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If youre the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isnt connected with GMA, please dont identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
Youll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which youll follow, some you wont…but thats ok because only you fully understand your
situation and whats best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you dont because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at ourprivacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Mairi
I agree your mother-in-laws attitude seems rather cruel but of course I cannot judge as I am sure she is at her wits end and saying those words probably made her very unhappy.
In my opinion, I don’t believe that giving actual food to a person who must be hungry is enablement. If it was me I would give him bread, beans, eggs, milk and basic things that contained goodness for his body but nothing that he could sell.
He doesn’t need to go to a doctor for therapy, he can get support from Gamblers Anonymous (GA) and/or if he is in the UK there is a wonderful rehab, run by the Gordon Moody Association, details of which are in the section below entitled GMA residential treatment Q&A. You can also get information on the rehab from our Helpline.
I appreciate why you are worried about him. I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled even if it has talked about it before with no action – rock bottoms come for different people at different times and nobody can tell when a real recovery is possible. My CG was in a desperate state when he changed his life, so I know it can be done.
I can hear that you know what enablement is but I will reiterate that giving him cash will not help him; it will only keep him in his addictive behaviour. I believe in giving directions to good support to CGs because they often don’t know where to go for it and he may be willing to listen at last.
I hope you keep posting, you have been through a terrible experience and I believe it helps to know that you are talking to people who understand ‘you’.
Velvet
