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Hi Sheena
I am so glad you have found your way to this forum, I understand exactly where you are coming from and I hope that maybe with sharing you can find some peace for you and your family.
Your post deserves more than a few lines written in haste but I wanted to let you know you were being heard and understood. Unfortunately I cannot give your post the time it needs as I have to go out now but it would be great if you could come in to the Friends and Family group tonight between 20.00-21.00 hour UK time when we can communicate in real time.
It will probably not be a large group and being a busy week it may possibly be just me – I will write again to you anyway but please don’t despair. The group is like sitting together in a couple of comfy chairs – very warm and welcoming. I hope to ‘see’ you.
Well done posting – I know how hard it is
Velvet<
Hello Mary Sue
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, youll find the times for these if you click on the Group times box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself youll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and theyll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If youre the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isnt connected with GMA, please dont identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
Youll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which youll follow, some you wont…but thats ok because only you fully understand your
situation and whats best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you dont because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at ourprivacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Lee
I hope that the unpleasant circumstances that have been thrust upon you are resolved soon and without any ongoing worries for you and your wife.
Life does kick us hard at times and when it does we need to double our strength and determine to work things through without being distracted – you are doing well recognising gambling would only add to your worries.
There is light at the end of the tunnel Lee but you need to keep walking forward until you can see it, there are many people, including me, who are willing to walk with you.
Keep posting – there will always be someone listening who cares about you
VelvetHi Jason
In my view, failures don’t ask for support and you have – that is a giant step, make it the first of many.
I hope you haven’t cancelled your date with friends because sitting alone with your thoughts will not help you achieve your goal. As you begin to recover friends are important – provided of course they are not talking about gambling. Do you have family to talk to?
Maybe I am odd but I think that 2 or even 3 years to clear debts is a drop in the ocean compared to the rest of your life, in control of your addiction and with your self-confidence and self-esteem restored. 32 is a good time to look back just long enough to survey the wreckage of your addiction but then it is important to turn to today, the start of the rest of your life. You can only deal with today Jason, nobody can ask more of you. Just for today fill your time with things that are not gambling related and then maybe in your next post you can report the things you enjoyed. There is always someone listening.
GA doesn’t work for everybody but here you can off-load the stresses of your life, instead of sitting alone thinking. Ditching your iphone seems like a good idea to me if you are determined to change.
Keep posting Jason, you are not alone and you can change your life; it is within your power and I wouldn’t be here writing to you if I didn’t know that not only can you control your addiction but you can live an exceptional life for having the courage and determination to do so.
VelvetDear Caroline
When all those around you are losing their heads it is hard to keep yours on – but you are doing really well.
Your in-laws, in my opinion, are not doing the best things for their son; it seems they believe that as long as they keep him clothed and with money in his pocket they will save him. You know that they have to let him go to save him and that is not what society believes is natural.
In ignoring what society says and dealing with what you know, you are, in my opinion, doing all the right things – you have your escape route planned if necessity calls for it but you are also ensuring that when and if you do act, it will be the right thing for you and your children.
Knowing that your in-laws are not doing what is right for their son will hopefully give you the strength to do what you feel is right when the time comes, without consulting them. I do hope your friend is a true friend indeed because I believe you need someone there beside you who is clear headed and has no axe to grind apart from caring about you.
Our minds easily switch to thinking about the bad things in our lives and as a result we forget to do the good things for ourselves. In the midst of all the sitting and thinking though you have remembered that you matter. Looking after oneself in the middle of an addiction to gamble is very difficult – it is the best way to recover but nothing about this addiction is easy.
The way to live without the addiction to gamble in your life is to remove yourself from its centre. This can be done physically and/or mentally. Your escape route will remove you physically but you don’t feel quite ready for that yet and it is important that you do things when ‘you’ feel ready and not because someone else has told you to do it. Removing yourself mentally is hard but it is possible in varying degrees. Your partner is gripped by his addiction and he has ensnared you with it but it isn’t ‘your’ addiction – you are not in his bubble, your mind is your own – it has sapped your strength but believe me you are strong or you would not have written such a strong post.
Writing your post made you feel better – you were doing something to free your mind and you succeeded. That is how we get recovery. You are gaining strength; you are learning how to do that which you want to do – to break free from an addiction. Worriedmama and I are both staunch believers in Gamanon being a good place to get support – it is so good to sit with those who understand – where people listen without judgement and without overreacting, the sharing helps.
Keep posting Caroline – there is always someone listening who wants to help you feel a little better.
VelvetDear Jenny
I think I understand your last post – there is so much talk about what it is to be your ex and not enough about what it is to be you. I can remember thinking that nobody was listening to me – all the support seemed to be for the CG.
Your ex is behaving intolerably but he is not in your home which is good, however, he is successfully causing division from without. Your children love him but they are also angry with him which is so confusing for a child.
It is extremely sad but I would imagine that your children will be hurt again and nothing you can do or say will stop it. You cannot take all their pain away Jenny; you cannot change the fact that their father is an active CG. No matter what you do, in the end they will make their own decisions based on what they see – and they will make better decisions if they see that you are coping. Children are naturally selfish and rightly so – they didn’t ask for an addiction to ruin their lives; they may even blame you at some point but let that pain go because they are children and they cannot possibly be expected to understand when nothing makes sense – but if they can see that you are in control, it is one less worry for them. ‘If mum is ok then the world is not such a bad place – I can talk to her and trust her’.
We can only save ourselves but in doing so we can help save those we love. You believe you should be able to ‘make’ everything right for our children but it is not possible in the face of the addiction to gamble when it is in full spate, however, you ‘are’ doing everything right for your children and that is what matters so don’t beat yourself up – children are resourceful and you, as the steadying influence in their lives, will, make a difference.
It is so hard to believe in yourself when everything around you seems unstable – but you must believe in your own principles and trust them. My message is simple but tough – ‘you’ matter Jenny, your life is important and you really can change things for you and your children. Carry on hugging and loving them, fill their lives with laughter and hope especially when they are confused by their father’s poor behaviour.
I have been writing this on and off for a few hours Jenny, trying to find the right words, I have written and deleted so much that I think I need to post it and wait to hear from you to know if I am anywhere near giving you the support that you need.
VelvetI don’t want to leave Berto’s thread lying in limbo. I have replied to him in ‘My Journal’ where has now posted that his wife is aware – this is my reply to him.
Hi Berto
I am so pleased that your wife is now fully aware of the problem that you have. It is so important, I think, that she now has the support to recover her own self-esteem and confidence which I know will have been severely dented.
The reason I struggled for 25 years Berto was because I am a private person who believed that love would conquer all if I just hung in long enough – for 23 years I told nobody what was going on in my life, so I understand your wife’s feelings and I do hope she will join me tomorrow evening.
The addiction makes fools of us all – we know we are intelligent and yet we have not seen something destroying us right under our noses. I am sure you would have been aware long before your wife could possibly have known, that your addiction was active and dangerous but your pride would have done everything it could to hide your shame from your wife. The fact that there is nothing to be ashamed about in having this addiction is something we all have to learn I think.
I am delighted for you that she is standing by you but I do know there will be ups and downs and that her recovery will be difficult too. I always internalised far too much (probably still do) but of course in doing so we run the risk of hearing only our own thoughts going round and round, bouncing off the walls of our minds, with no answers that make sense.
I know you can not only just lead a better life, you can lead a life that is very special as a result of controlling this addiction – keep posting, stay close to your support – I wish you well.
VelvetHi Berto
I am so pleased that your wife is now fully aware of the problem that you have. It is so important, I think, that she now has the support to recover her own self-esteem and confidence which I know will have been severely dented.
The reason I struggled for 25 years Berto was because I am a private person who believed that love would conquer all if I just hung in long enough – for 23 years I told nobody what was going on in my life, so I understand your wife’s feelings and I do hope she will join me tomorrow evening.
The addiction makes fools of us all – we know we are intelligent and yet we have not seen something destroying us right under our noses. I am sure you would have been aware long before your wife could possibly have known, that your addiction was active and dangerous but your pride would have done everything it could to hide your shame from your wife. The fact that there is nothing to be ashamed about in having this addiction is something we all have to learn I think.
I am delighted for you that she is standing by you but I do know there will be ups and downs and that her recovery will be difficult too. I always internalised far too much (probably still do) but of course in doing so we run the risk of hearing only our own thoughts going round and round, bouncing off the walls of our minds, with no answers that make sense.
I know you can not only just lead a better life, you can lead a life that is very special as a result of controlling this addiction – keep posting, stay close to your support – I wish you well.
VelvetHi Berto
I am replying to the thread you put in the F&F forum.
I hope you understand that I cannot tell you what to do but if you believe that the only way you can change your life is to be honest with your wife then, in my opinion, it is the only way forward for you. By controlling your addiction you give your loved ones the chance of a better future,
With understanding of the addiction many F&F become fantastic supports. I take it that your wife knows you go to GA twice a week – does she go to Gamanon? What support has she had with coping with your addiction? Did she talk to anybody about her worries when you were in rehab?
My story is that I unwittingly enabled for 25 years and a large part of my life, therefore, was controlled by an addiction I didn’t own. I reacted to the knowledge, when I was finally made aware, with anger and distrust but through Gamanon I learned to understand – and it is that understanding that F&F need to survive. Like you, my CG went through rehab and it took a long time but very, very gradually we built up trust. I needed to understand but I also needed understanding – after all there was no programme to help me cope. He helped me understand Berto and that is why I am here talking to you. However that is ‘my’ story and of course I cannot guarantee your wife’s reaction although I would imagine it will be one of confusion and probably anger but I suspect you must know this already.
F&F link love and trust together as indissoluble so when trust is broken, love is doubted and they struggle more with the lies and secrecy than they do with any loss of money – that is something you will have to work hard on to repair.
This is possibly not the answer you wanted to hear but I can only speak from my own experience and the knowledge I have gained from other F&F.
Have you discussed the fact that your didn’t embrace your recovery 100% with your outreach worker – you will not have been the first to hold back but I believe that now is the time for you to be honest. Good support comes with understanding.
Whatever you decide to do Berto I wish you well. Your wife would be welcome in the F&F forum and particularly in the F&F group where she can communicate freely with those who understand her, just as this forum and CG groups understand you.
VelvetHi Ddaria
I don’t hear a control freak, I hear a person who is trying to make sense of the senseless behaviour that is going on in her home.
Unfortunately you cannot save your husband – only he can do that and to do it he must want to be the man that he would wish to be, not the one that says ‘this is just the way I am’. The good news is that he can change and good support is invaluable to him.
It is possible, although of course I have no way of knowing that he has lost previous relationships through his addiction – he may well be resigned to losing you in the same way and feel there is nothing he can do – he has no idea how to change his life.
The best advice I can give you is to look after you first. This may seem negative but for most F&F it is the way they have coped and survived and ultimately it is the best way to help your husband. At the moment your relationship is probably soured by poor behaviour from your husband followed by pleas, anger, tears, ultimatums from you for him to change – but nothing has changed. On this site we use the expression ‘if everything you have done so far hasn’t worked, then maybe it is time to do something different’. If every day you do something for yourself that gives ‘you’ pleasure and takes you away from worrying about an addiction that doesn’t care whether you worry or not, you will begin to find yourself again. Maybe you could see friends and family, talk about things that are not gambling related, have a spa session, a manicure, shop for a new dress, walk in the park, anything that gives ‘you’ pleasure, feel the difference in you and allow your husband’s addiction to be confused by the brighter, happier you instead of you being confused by his addiction.
If it was me Daria I would lose the tracking device because the chances are he will be in the casino and no amount of tracking will change that – the device is adding to your misery and you know anyway were he is.
Perhaps you could print off the 20 Questions from the Gamblers Anonymous website and leave them for him to find. Your husband may not appreciate that he has a recognised addiction and that there is a lot of good support for him.
I am going to leave this post to you here Daria and wait to hear from you again. I hope it helps to know that you are not alone and that in this forum all your words are understood. I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know the addiction to gamble can be controlled – your husband can do it but he will find it easier to do it if you are not part of the wreckage of his addiction.
If you disagree with anything I say please just come back at me – there is no judgement on this site.
Velvet
