[velvet]

Hiya OAJ
The word ‘recovery’, in my opinion, is a bit deceptive as it implies there will be an end or a cure. I know that many CGs do not like the word but it is now in common usage.
F&F can recover completely from living with the addiction, they can go on and forget but for the CG there is no cure and little chance of completely forgetting.
So to answer your question, I believe that ‘recovery’ is a word that implies a process that is underway and abstinence is a part of that process. I think most CGs probably have false starts with their recovery and I have used the term a ‘true recovery’ before now as being the one that changes everything but cannot be recognised as being ‘true’ for a long time.
For me, therefore, neither abstinence nor recovery fit the bill completely. I have however seen true recoveries and in each case the difference has been tangible. I liken it to putting down a heavy load, a burden that was so great it weighed down every aspect of the life it inhabited. Freedom is precious and worth fighting for, so having gained freedom the CG is better equipped to fight the addiction, although they can never completely destroy it – what they can do and do amazingly well is control it.
The CG burden contains painful memories and guilt and it is important that some of the pain is tipped out to allow space for new thought and real hope. The CG will not know how to do this because the addiction hates giving any ground and doesn’t intend to allow such understanding. If the CG is abstinent but hasn’t dealt with the addiction there is a vacuum which the addiction will gladly re-fill. Many CGs mistakenly believe that abstinence is recovery. Debt can be cleared, relationships moved on and everybody has relaxed. However the danger is still there and mind bets keep the addiction alive which is why, not only the right support but also on-going support, is so important. .
If I write any more I think I will begin to ramble so I will leave it there for now and wait for you to reply and ask any questions you may have.
V

[velvet]

Hi M
Your use of the word ‘need’ was spot on in your post. ‘If’ he truly wants to stop he will ‘need’ treatment. He has, in my opinion, proved that his way doesn’t work but many CG believe that abstinence is recovery and have to find out the hard was that it is not enough. A slip does not have to be viewed negatively though; it can be an incentive to try harder and more importantly to try something different. He said he could do it on his own but he has not succeeded thus giving you a great opening to encourage him to seek the right support.
It is great that he has had a gamble-free time, a time for him to remember that he was lighter in his heart, that his relationship with you was healthier – and more importantly for you I know, that his relationship with his daughter bloomed. He can have this time every day but I feel he requires direction. I believe you could do with more support from within his home and I look forward to an update on that but I do know how hard that will be.
I believe that maybe this has been good for you, he was being very convincing and it is easy to slip back and forget – that is the sheer devilment of this addiction and no reflection on you.
I’m sorry you couldn’t get back in – I believe the group is locked in the final 5, 10 or so minutes. Speak soon.
V

[velvet]

Hi O
I meant for you to do things that interest you and take you out of the house, giving you different things to talk about with your SO, thus raising an interest in her to join you or do something herself other than gambling – but primarily to improve your life which will get held back by her addiction.
If one is exhausted by other people’s problems it is good to maybe listen to music, go the theatre, anything but the subject that caused the exhaustion. Likewise, the addiction to gamble is exhausting for those who live with it and it is important that F&F fill their lives with different, happier, more positive endeavours. Relationships spark off each other and my favourite quote is ‘you may never know what results come from your actions but if you do nothing there will be no results’ – Mahatma Gandi. It is easy to get stuck in a rut when addiction is in your home, it is sadly true that many F&F give 24 hour anxiety over to an addiction that they neither wanted nor asked for.
Your SO knows the time when she is most likely to indulge her addiction but that in itself will not deter her if she is triggered. She has asked you for physical support and you are willing to give it which is great but abstinence is not recovery and in my view she requires treatment from those who understand her gambling addiction. She is an addiction therapist which gives her an insight into addictions but not necessarily her own, she thinks she knows all the answers but it seems to me she doesn’t know how to put them into practice.
If you show her this site, I suggest you don’t encourage her to read your thread. F&F threads are for F&F to gain their own recovery. F&F should be able to talk here openly without fear of judgement. Equally, in my opinion, as your partner is a CG and wants to write in the CG forum it is best that she gets the support from other CGs who are trying to control their addiction and CGs who have controlled their addiction without fear of correction from someone who loves her. It doesn’t work when a couple use the site as a way of communicating with each other. When my CG was fighting for his recovery I came in for a lot of flack and blame (I know because he told me later) but because I was unaware I didn’t jump in and defend myself or call his honesty into question. He was talking to those who understood him as I could not, and therefore they were able to give him the insight that I could not. We can be too close O and we can be too determined that we are the ones who can save those we love, we can be greedy to be let in and anxious of what might be lost if we stand back.
It’s a tough battle O but I know it can be won, I know the addiction to gamble can be controlled. It takes massive courage and determination to face it and F&F give their best support when they look after themselves and stand against the addiction by allowing the CG freedom to fight. Your SO is lucky to have you on her side.
Speak soon
V

[velvet]

Hi O
Its rotten when you get cut off mid-sentence! I was writing that I thought it would be good if you did it first, if necessary on your own – show your SO the way, it seems to me she is unable to see her way forward.
V

[velvet]

Hi OnaJ
I don’t think that anybody who loves a person with an addiction to gamble can ever be entirely detached from it – it is an addiction that seeks enablement and who better to give it than the person closest – however must knowledge you have gathered your closeness will always render you the most vulnerable.
Your SO/addition therapist is twisting the words that you would probably want to use to support him/her and he/she is using the words as weapons, which to my mind says he/she might know the answers but doesn’t fully understand or accept them. Finding the words or actions they don’t recognise, in your case, ‘might’ be the different approach required.
I am going to put my thinking cap on because I am aware that CGs who have tried recovery but not fully accepted it are more than capable of doing the greatest damage – they can talk the talk like professionals but they are nowhere near ready to walk the walk. I am not sure that trying to deal with your SO’s emotional baggage will help because the CG is often not aware of what triggered the addiction apart from placing a bet and feeling an overwhelming excitement that bi-passes most of us. I don’t think that bargaining or contracts make a scrap of difference. My main question to you is ‘does he/she ever express a desire to want to stop gambling and has he/she ever actually gone in to a GA meeting?’ The reason I ask is that I was told by a CG early on in my quest for survival that CGs could fool others but they couldn’t kid a kidder – GA is full of those who are not fooled.
I am hoping that you will now know that you are not facing this alone although I fully appreciate that it is you that is in the direct line of fire. I believe it is really therapeutic just to write ones thoughts down, to get your feeling out of your head and put them in a place of safety where you will not be judged.
There is an F&F group tonight 20.00-21.00 hours UK time – it would be great to ‘meet’ you there, you will be very welcome.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Onajourney

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Sheena
I am sorry you didn’t make the group.
Please post again.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Parents
Your son is young and probably believes you don’t know what you are talking about; he probably thinks he will show you that he does know what he is doing. Sadly he will not be aware of the danger of his addiction.
I can’t sugar-coat my answer to you; your son has an addiction that cannot be made better with a pill or a chat; you can’t talk him into being what you want because he believes he know what he wants and he will believe that you cannot understand him.
I told my CG much the same things that you are saying to your son – I wanted him to have a better future, I wanted him to know how much I loved him and that love would conquer all if he would only listen to me. When he had taken control of his addiction he told me that when I had said I need you to listen it was ‘my need’ talking because his ‘need’ was to gamble.
I think you are doing the right thing posting here, you will build up information and knowledge of your son’s addiction and that knowledge will give you power over it and help you cope.
In my opinion, it would be good for your son to hear for himself what his future will be like if he continues the way he is going. On this site we have ‘CG only’ groups, often run by CGs who are in control of their addiction and we have a terrific Helpline which is often manned by a CG who controls his addiction. They are ready and willing to support your son in a way that you and I cannot. If you go on the helpline you can ask for the right times for your son to communicate with those who have stood in his shoes. They are older than your son but remember believing themselves invincible when they were 22. It is also completely anonymous so your son can talk openly, as will they, unlike active CGs who often have trouble being open about their concerns.
I see that Worriedmama has mentioned Gamanon – these are marvellous groups of people, just like you, who can give you on the ground support – they are the sister group to GA (Gamblers Anonymous), which is fantastic and many active CGs have found their way using them. Perhaps you could download the Gamblers Anonymous 20 questions off their web site – your son might be surprised to see that he has a recognised addiction for which there is loads of support – when he is ready.
I certainly cannot promise you that you will have the ideal son of which you speak but I do know his addiction can be controlled and he can live a fantastic life and sometimes an even more special life for having faced this addiction. You can only live for today Parents, worrying about his future will not help him, or you.
There is so much to tell you but I am going to leave it there for now and wait to hear from you again. Maybe you will be in the F&F group in an hour and we can communicate in real time – you can ask the questions and I promise I will do my best to answer you.
Regardless of whether you make the group or not, I hope you will keep posting. Sharing does help.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi S & C
Standing by as a friend until he crashes is fine but what about your life?
Highly intelligent and socially awkward would probably describe more CGs than you have imagined (and those who love them). The addiction to gamble can enter all walks of life and sometimes it is the intelligence that makes it more difficult. In my opinion being intelligent leads people towards thinking they should understand the things in their lives that are hurting them – they should be able to ‘sort it out’. I think it is one of the reasons why those who love CGs keep the addiction’s secret, thus allowing it freedom to grow. I believe that all who seek support on this site have the kind of hearts that don’t walk away unless every avenue has been explored.
I hope you will understand that I really cannot tell you what to do. You are safe from your spouse’s addiction in that you are apart and your finances are 100% secure. I would never tell anyone to leave or to stay with an active CG. You have done the right thing for your CG and gained knowledge but now, having done so, it is important that ‘you’ make your own informed decisions which is a large part of the F&F recovery.
Whatever you do S & C I hope you will not feel you are wasting your life. I believe it is important that we take the sad experience of living with the addiction to gamble and turn it into something good, thus denying the addiction a greater victory.
Keep posting and protecting yourself.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Hope
Of course I know who you are.
I am really interested to know in what way your husband feels that this time it is different because it is the differences that can tell us how things are going – including the not so good bits.
You expressed your son’s reaction to his girlfriend’s birthday well – he set himself up and sadly in doing so he almost guaranteed he would feel a failure when he couldn’t deliver the birthday that ‘he’ thought she wanted. Only with experience will he learn to cope with all the different aspect of his behaviour. I remember asking my CG why he was struggling with an issue when he had been out of GM for a while, he told me that GM had planted the seed and cared for it while it grew into a bud – but buds take time to blossom.
As your son is talking to a member of the GM staff every two weeks he is getting on-going support and hopefully if he tells them about his recent problems he will be helped to realise that recovery has to be nurtured, it doesn’t just happen.
I’m afraid there definitely is no magic wand but you do know now that he can be the son you want him to be and even more importantly your son knows that he can be the person that he wants to be. No matter what we want Hope, it is the desire of the CG to want normality that matters above all else.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Parents
It is Christmas Day and I wasn’t going to write on the forum – but I was moving my computer when your post popped up. I completely understand all that you have said and I will reply to you properly asap.
I won’t reply in haste because your post deserves a lot of thought but I am sure you will understand that I have a lot of demands on my time today, however, I wanted you to know I had heard you and that you are not alone. All you have written is understood – if you see this, before I reply to you, please tell me how old your son is.
There is lots I can tell you and hopefully give you hope, I wouldn’t be here writing to you now if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Parents

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Sad and Confused
In my opinion when a CG ’wins’ they lose so much more. The addiction breathes freely and grows rapidly, behaviour deteriorates at an alarming rate and little, if anything, can be done to get through to the CG.
I can’t tell you what to do because there is no way of knowing how an active gambling addict will react. My first thought if he entrusted his money to someone else was that, that person would have a terrible time in the future when your spouse tried to get the money back following the inevitably heavy losses, however, I cannot know that this would definitely be the case. I do believe that if you follow this course, however, the person you chose to help you will have to have a really strong will, able to withstand abuse, cajoling, pleading and threats because this addiction is divisive and powerful.
Are you still living with your spouse? Can his financial position hurt you? If you are living apart then, in my opinion, leaving him alone to crash might be your best option – this is easier to do when the CG is not in your face all day long.
Enabling is allowing the addiction of another to control ‘your’ life. It is giving money to a person who does not see money as you do; a CG sees money as a means to an end – the end being the ‘gamble’. To clear the debt of a CG is to enable because that only wipes the slate clean temporarily without the CG taking responsibility. Covering for an addiction that thrives on secrecy is enabling.
In my opinion the best way you can help your spouse is to look after yourself. This works because no matter whether he wants a relationship, or not, he will not deliberately want to hurt you – he will not want you to be part of the wreckage of his addiction when he eventually determines to change his life. If you are showing concern for him then he can blame you for his behaviour, if you are getting on with your life and allowing him to do what he wants to do then you cannot be to blame.
I am wondering how old your spouse is because young people often do not appreciate the depths their addiction can and will take them to.
What made your spouse stop gambling in the past? Did he seek help or did he think he could beat his addiction on his own? It is recognised on this site that CGs need the right support if they are to live in control of their addiction, abstinence is not recovery.
I will leave it there and wait for your reply. There is an F&F group next Tuesday 20th 20.00-21.00 hours UK time and you would be very welcome – it is good to communicate in real time and you would be very welcome.
In the meantime I do hope your Christmas is not marred by your spouse’s addiction although I appreciate that this may be difficult. I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled but I do know that ‘you’ do not have to live in its shadow. Do things for ‘you’ over Christmas, see friends, indulge in hobbies – all things that get left behind when addiction is in your life.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Sheena
I’m sorry you didn’t make the group – hopefully next Tuesday.
To support you better Sheena, it would help if you could give me a little bit more of your story. For instance – how long has your son been out of rehab, did he tell you that he was gambling again or did you notice the same old behaviour reappearing?
I don’t know how much you know about the addiction to gamble but knowledge will give you power over it and with that in mind I have brought up my thread ‘The F&F Cycle’ which I think will reflect your son’s behaviour, certainly pre-rehab.
Your son will have learned in rehab that he needs to take responsibility for his actions if he is to control his addiction. He will know that his gambling debts are his responsibility but this will probably not stop him trying to get you to clear them. It is tough but clearing the debts of a CG (compulsive gambler) is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic – it feeds the addiction and allows it to grow.
Does your son live with you? When he first left rehab did he seem different? CGs who have begun a true recovery are often lighter in mind having put a great burden down – but early recovery isn’t easy and there is often a void in their lives. In my opinion early recovery is the toughest time for both the CG and those around them. Families don’t usually get the tools to cope that a CG gets in rehab. Indeed when I first came on this site years ago I was told that because my CG was in recovery, I didn’t need support – I felt I needed it more than ever. When my CG left rehab I had no idea how to behave or speak to him. Through luck and not judgement I asked him to help him. It took time and the strangest thing for me was realising that he had to learn to trust me – he need to know that I had changed too, that I was willing to go the extra mile in spite of all the years of mental devastation.
I’m sorry there are so many questions. There is a lot of support and experience on this site and I want to try and give you the support that is right for you.
I will leave it there for now and await your response.
Velvet

[velvet]

Sheenan puolesta

[Author]

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