[velvet]

H Heatherly

Hope this helps

[velvet]

H Heatherly J'espère que cela aide

[velvet]

H Heatherly Semoga ini membantu

[velvet]

H Heatherly Espero que esto ayude

[velvet]

H Heatherly Hoppas detta hjälper

[velvet]

H Heatherly Mam nadzieję, że to pomoże

[velvet]

H Heatherly Espero que isso ajude

[velvet]

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Hello Heatherly

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Km
I have been a way for a few days and I am sorry to see you have not had further replies, however the weekends can be very quiet.
Your family and friends are trying to protect you but on this site you will never be told to leave or to stay, you will be given knowledge that will help you make informed decisions because it is ‘your’ life that matters. Knowledge of your fiancé’s addiction will give you power over it and help you cope.
Although it seems terrible that your fiancé is not expressing remorse, such expressions are usually no more than lip-service when spoken by an active CG (compulsive gambler) – it is only in actions that true remorse should be seen. His defensiveness is understandable, his self-esteem and confidence will be shattered and he is probably attacking to defend what he knows is unacceptable behaviour, learning how to speak to him and support him comes with understanding.
Many CG use lies to cover for their addiction and the longer the addiction is allowed to grow the worse the lies can become. However I would not be writing to you now unless I knew that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and fantastic lives lived as a result.
I cannot tell you what to do because decisions must be yours but if it was me I would tell my fiancé that I had sought support for myself and found out that he is not alone and that there is treatment and help for him if he wants it. I suggest you download the 20 questions which can be found on the gamblers anonymous website and ask him to look at it – maybe he has not realised how far he has sunk into his addiction and perhaps this may help him see that his problem is recognised and also that in the right places he really is understood.
In the meantime perhaps it would be a good idea if his parents knew that you were seeking support – I assume from what you have said that they know their son has a problem. It is important that your fiancé recognises that he has a problem and the more people around him who are willing to support him the right way the better. He will need to take responsibility for his debts as part of taking control of his addiction and changing his life. Clearing his gambling debts will only make it easier for him to gamble further as such an action only feeds a hungry and corrosive addiction.
It is common for CGs to struggle with talking to those closest to them and as such, it is no reflection on you. Hard though it is, you cannot save your fiancé, only he can do that but the fact that he can save himself is the most important message to give to him.
I will leave this post here for now and await a reply from you as I understand that matters around you were going to happen very fast. Even though your parents are struggling with their feelings towards your fiancé, I hope they willing to support you at this time – with 3 small children I would imagine you need support.
I hope to hear soon from you, I do have a group tomorrow 20.00-21.00 hours UK time when we can communicate in real time and you will be very welcome and of course this forum is always available. We also have a marvellous Helpline which is here for you and your fiancé.
Well done writing your first post
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi OAJ
Sorry about that, it is English slang and I may well get reprimanded for its use!!! I assume it comes from the action of clapping one’s hand to the mouth in astonishment. How about flabbergasting, astounding and of course astonishing?
Keep going, your post is positive and healthy.
Speak soon
V

[velvet]

Hello Km

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi OAJ
It is the hardest thing of all – to not try and save a loved one, which is how the CG keeps control of the life of the person closest to them, the most vulnerable.
I appreciate Vera’s contributions to our forum and occasionally she gives me openings that I would normally not volunteer. Vera has said in her post that she ‘perceived’ her SO’s disinterest when she was gambling but in recovery she recognises that it was just another excuse. In my experience many/most CGs blame the non-CG for giving them ‘reason to gamble’ and that belief is real ‘at the time’. The difference in perspective between an active CG and a CG who is in control of their addiction is gobsmacking.
So what do you do with the excuses? I suggest you file them under ‘not worth worrying about because you know they are not true’. It is a waste of breath defending yourself to an active CG because when someone is determined to find fault or blame they will judge regardless of truth. In this instance, as so many others with this addiction, the only way to win is not to play. I suggest that instead of saying ‘I don’t believe you’ which implies an unwillingness to listen, perhaps you could say ‘when you are ready to tell me what really happened let me know and we can continue this conversation’, which might be a more conciliatory approach. At that point either the subject is changed or you walk away leaving the ball in her court.
I suggest you don’t work at trust because she cannot trust herself – so why should you? I agree that trust and love are not necessarily dependent on each other.
F&F are usually embedded in the addictive behaviour of another by the time they realise what is happening and opting out of the cycle is so very difficult. In my opinion there is no one- size-fits-all answer and I believe that one’s recovery depends on how one goes about it – it is so easy to be squashed into submission by the addiction and wait for it to determine the course of your behaviour but you are stronger than her addiction and proving it to yourself will be a big step forward for you, I believe it to have been one of the greatest educations of my life.
First posts are always more about the CG – it seems F&F seek support only for their loved ones first but ‘you’ are important. Your SO’s job means she has the words but I believe that you are correct, they are just words at the moment. I suggest you give her places where she can get support and maybe tell her that her future is in her own hands, that you are willing to walk that extra mile with her only when she is willing to walk it with you. I know she is vulnerable but using you is not going to give her the ability to lay her ghosts to rest, she has to work at her recovery.
Keep using the forum – in a short time you will be able to look back and see how far you have come. Hopefully we will ‘meet’ again in a few hours.
V

[velvet]

Dear San
I haven’t heard from you in a while and I am sorry that I didn’t reply to you as I should have done.
Forgiving yourself was long overdue and I hope that now you have done so, you are more relaxed with ‘you’ and therefore more able to keep your son’s addiction separate from you. I would argue that your enabling was never a form of conditional love to cover your feelings of guilt – I believe that it was in line with you being a mum and wanting the best for a child who obviously struggled more than his siblings.
I am sure that you are right that many CGs gamble to compensate childhood wounds, real or imagined but a mother can only do her best and I know you did this. When you son changes his life he will know this too but I’m afraid that knowledge is still eluding him.
It seems to me that your son wavers between ‘I know what I’m doing but I don’t know why I’m doing it’ and ‘I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know why I’m doing it’. I am hoping that maybe he is getting closer to acceptance that he has an addiction but that he really can do something about it.
I hope that you are your partner are experiencing better health and that 2016 will be a good year for you both.
I would love an update
V

[velvet]

Dear Jenny
I am thinking about you and hoping that you are standing strong and doing ok.
I haven’t heard from you for a little while but you are on my radar and so not forgotten.
If you should chance to read I hope you will update.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi OAJ
It seems to me you have experienced exactly what I was trying to explain and yes that is what I would call a true recovery. I believe that surrender has to be complete.
The place of surrender and acceptance is often a very dark place – rock bottom is the term used which is a mental state when the addiction has become utterly intolerable. I don’t think a CG has to reach such an abyss but many, many do.
In my opinion your SO knows all this but possibly hasn’t been completely willing to surrender her faith in her addiction. When triggered she is blind and deaf to all she knows, believing that only indulging her addiction will give her the ‘relief’ she seeks. When she is finished she feels worse because more guilt, feelings of failure and remorse set in. In my opinion she will have to put her ghosts to bed to give her the peace of mind she needs enabling her to gain the strength to change her life and be the person she wants to be and I think, to do this she needs the support of a dedicated gambling counsellor and/or CGs who understand her and who have either controlled their addiction or are determined to do so and therefore are walking the same road as her.
Our helpline may be able to give you the right support group or dedicated counsellors where you are. It is usually manned by either CGs in control of their addiction or a dedicated gambling counsellor. It is anonymous and one-to one – your SO would be welcome and safe.
In the meantime please look after yourself because even if you cannot save your loved one you can be an enormous support just by being in control of your own life.
You are doing great
V

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