[velvet]

Olá, Gem. Como prometido – espero que ajude. Você está indo muito bem

[velvet]

Hi Gem
I still cannot hear a fool in your post; you wanted to believe your husband which surely is what every wife hopes to be able to do?
When your husband attends GA or groups on line maybe you could suggest he asks the others what they think of you taking over the finances. CGs who are living gamble-free will hopefully tell him that you are supporting him in the best way possible, that you are not treating him as a child. Money is a means to an end for a CG – ‘the gamble’ is the addiction and money is merely the tool that makes ‘the gamble’ possible. Hopefully his annoyance will lessen as he gets some gamble-free days behind him and he can begin to see the importance of what you are doing. In early recovery, support can often be met with objection which can sometimes be quite unpleasant. I remember my CG not liking me going to Gamanon which is the sister group of GA because I began to ‘know’ things that he didn’t want me to know.
I am glad that you hope that your husband will at least be honest with someone else even if it isn’t you. It is hard to think that the person we love the most cannot turn to us when something as bad as this is hurting them. I tried every which way to get my CG to change his life but when he eventually hit rock bottom and did control his addiction, he told me that there was never had been anything I could have done or said that would have made any difference – but that it had never been my fault.
I see no reason why your husband should turn to another addiction. How did he take control of his cocaine addiction?
I cannot stress enough Gem that looking after you first is the best thing you can do for you and also for your husband. When we are worn down and weary we are unable to cope and cannot hide our sadness. If your husband determines to control his addiction then seeing you happier and in control of your life will make it easier for him to change because he will see that you are not part of the wreckage his poor behaviour has caused. Every day determine to do something just for you, something that pleases you, possibly something that you have stopped doing because of the addiction. See friends, resurrect old hobbies and interests, take your lovely children to the park and just enjoy their play – anything but thinking about addiction.
I am not surprised your family are emotional – there is often guilt and anger when families feel they have not protected a loved one – getting rid of the cause of the unhappiness seems to the best option to them but of course it isn’t always so for the person who loves the CG. I suggest that you ask them to support you at this time but that you really don’t want opinions as they don’t help.
I have brought up my ‘F&F Cycle’ thread for you, hope it help you to know that everything you are saying is recognised here.
When we don’t know what to do, I think it is better to stand still until we can get some peace in our minds and then we can think more clearly. Writing your thoughts is hopefully helping your mind get less confused. You are really doing well.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Gem
This really will be just a quick post as I am off to bed but I will write more fully tomorrow.
You are not a fool, complete or any other sort – how could you possibly have defended your family against something of which you had no knowledge? Your husband’s addiction thrives on secrecy and lies – you were not meant to be aware of it.
Never apologise on this forum – this forum is here for off-loading sadness, pain and confusion, leaving room for new and better thoughts.
I believe it is good to tell a CG when one is seeking help; it is a selfish addiction that leads its owner to believe it is the only one with problems – your decision again though.
It is interesting that his father is his gambling buddy – I hope he will think carefully about how he can support his son best. When he didn’t know about his son’s problem his enabling was understandable but now he is aware I hope he will cease enabling immediately. Please tell him that if he wants support or guidance our Helpline is there for him as it is for you too – it is one to one, anonymous and private.
You are doing well Gem – writing things down can be very therapeutic and as your journal builds you will have something to look back on and see how far you have come – and you will move forward.
Anyway it is time I was in bed but I will write to you again tomorrow when I have had time to give your latest post more thought.
You are not alone and I will walk with you for as long as you want me to do so
Goodnight.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Gem
It’s hard to calm down I know when you have had everything sucked out of you once too often but I hope you will stick with us for a while to gain information on your husband’s addiction so that you can cope and then make informed decisions on your own life.
There is much to say to you but I will try and keep this short so that you are aware as soon as possible that you are being heard and understood in this forum.
You have implied that your husband stopped gambling when you issued him with a ‘get out or ‘sort out’ ultimatum. If he did indeed succeed in putting a hold on his addiction, do you know how he did it – did he go to GA, a counsellor or come on a site such as this? Often when a gambler is given an ultimatum they take their very cunning addiction underground until the heat wears off – I am not suggesting this happened to your husband but unless he sought some kind of treatment the likelihood is his brain has remained in gamble-mode all the time and his addiction is now spilling over and has become out of control again making him less cautious.
However he got to this point Gem, he does need treatment but treatment is available and he can live a wonderful gamble-free life if he chooses to do so. I know it is possible to control this addiction or I would not be writing to you now.
I hope it will help your feelings a little to understand how your husband probably got to this sad position. The chances are the first time he gambled he would have felt he was doing the same as so many people do; having a bit of leisure time, enjoying a moment that took him out of everyday thought, a bit of fun. Unfortunately for your husband, addiction was waiting for him and there was no way he could have know this until it was too late – he neither wanted nor asked for his addiction any more than you did. For my part, I hate the addiction but I feel for those who own it.
I believe you can get beyond your feelings but it takes time, quite a bit of time and a lot of strength. Your self-esteem and confidence are probably severely dented at the moment and they need to be built up but your husband is not in a position to do it while his mind is preoccupied with addiction. His self-esteem and confidence are also very fragile – his addiction is one that only gives back to its owner feelings of failure and worthlessness. Recovery for you both is a selfish walk back to health but for you recovery can be complete. For your husband, recovery is never complete, he will always own his addiction – but he can, with great courage, face his demons and the wreckage his addiction has caused and take control of it. Wonderful lives can be lived by those who are determined enough to win the battle and re- take control of their lives and I believe this battle can make them very special people.
At no time Gem should anybody tell you to leave or to stay with your husband – all decisions should be made by you as part of your important recovery. Your friends appear to be supportive which is great; people who have not lived with the addiction usually cannot comprehend what it is like. I believe that if his family are truly unaware then it is better for them, and your husband, that they should know. I say this because the addiction to gamble needs money and giving money to a CG (compulsive gambler) is enablement – it is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic. His family could unwittingly enable because they don’t know what is happening but with knowledge they can withdraw their enablement, thereby protecting themselves from loss and thwarting your husband’s addiction. However I repeat what I said earlier, all decisions on what you actually do must come from you, I cannot tell what to do. Maybe his family are already aware but are hoping that the problem has gone away or is being handled by you. How do you get on with your in-laws?
I am going to leave it here Gem and wait for a feed-back from you .
You have done really well writing your first post, it is always the hardest.
Speak soon
Velvet

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Hello Gemneuro21

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Silhouette
You have had a lot of replies and I wondered if you were still reading.
If you are it would be great to get an update
Velvet

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Dear Cathy
I have just finished my group; said the Serenity prayer to myself and thought of you.
I want us to get back to why ‘you’ are here. You are a wonderful support but you are still recovering your life. How is your son doing? I think he is still going to GA but how is he behaving towards you?
What’s it like in Cathy’s world.
Time for an update methinks
As Ever
V

[velvet]

Hi Jenny
Making the calls is awful – it is something you would never imagine having to do but having done it I hope you feel relief – people do listen and they do understand. It was new to you, along with all the other experiences that you are coping with so well, but the people you were speaking to would have heard it all before. Maybe a tick box would be in order – collect the ticks and move up the mountain 10 paces.
If your ex has a new car I am sure the sheriff’s office will be very pleased to see it although it will of course depend on the name it is registered in! Keep following your instincts, I think you are fine-tuning them now and doing brilliantly.
The only negative I could see in your post was thinking that you were not doing what is best for your ex because I believe you are. I don’t believe in ‘what ifs’ for the past but how about a ‘what if’ just for today. ‘What if’ you didn’t give his address to those people he owes money to – your children would almost certainly be subjected to more unpleasant people looking in the window and possibly hear things they should not have to hear – while his addiction revels in its ‘good luck’ because he hasn’t got to part with gambling money on old and forgotten (by him) gambling debts. ‘What if’ his parents have bought the car so the Sherriff cannot claim it – his addiction will thrive but his debts will be mounting up, there will be creditors banging soon at their door. ‘Enablement’ however small opens a door for an active CG, such as you describe, to dive through and carry on without looking back. If he doesn’t look back he can’t see his daughter or hear her crying but turning his back on debts and his child is not going to bring him happiness, ‘protecting’ him from facing responsibility is not going to bring him happiness – facing up and sorting himself out will be tough but in the end he could be the man your daughter wants as her father. He has his mountain to climb but it isn’t yours.
Your non-reaction is pulling you up that mountain faster than you would have done listening and reacting to his addiction or trying to reason with it. Does ignoring him feel good? No it bloomin’ well doesn’t and I know that only too well; Does getting closer to the summit feel good? Yes it does.
I hear in your posts a person who cares for her CG but has recognised that her caring has to change from that which is considered ‘normal’ by society. The most wonderful word I have ever heard was when I eventually left my CG at a rehab and he said ‘thank you’. All the time I was trying to give him what I thought was a better life he would feign sorrow but he never thanked me like he did that day – it was only when I toughened up and behaved in a way that was foreign to me that he found his rock bottom and eventually changed his life.
There are so many songs that make me happy now that I couldn’t choose just one but I love the one you have chosen as your anthem.
Well done Jenny and well done to your children for doing so well at school
V

[velvet]

Dear Jenny
I hope it helps you to know that there is not one word in your post that I cannot relate to – the big difference for me is that it took me a lot longer than you to got anywhere near writing your final paragraph.
Sheriff Officers and debts collectors have a job to do and if they were to pussy-foot around they would never get the justice that creditors deserve BUT they really are (in the main) very human with homes, wives and children. Unfortunately when you phone such offices etc you may find yourself speaking to ‘Jobs Worth’ – if that happens demand to speak to someone else – there is understanding for the genuine, don’t give up until you find it and never be afraid of being emotional when you speak to them. You may even end up talking to someone who knows exactly what you are going through – it happens!
Your daughter is amazing, I know these men don’t come round wearing fluffy jumpers and carrying skipping ropes, they look incredibly tough and when they get the bad boys they can be really mean but I believe and hope that I am right that they would have been mortified to know they were scaring a 13 year old child on her own.
Would I tell the debts collectors where my CG lives if I was in your position? My answer is that I would ‘now’, knowing what I know now. Possibly not the most helpful answer but of course decisions on your life must come from you, I made mine and they were often not right.
There is a strong possibility that these men may return because they have nowhere else to get the debts paid for their clients, your daughter or son may be alone again, each visit is terrifying no matter what age we are. I think you are absolutely right when you say he is still actively gambling and the only thing you can do is protect yourself and your children.
I cannot tell you what to do Jenny but I believe it is safe to say that giving your CGs address to the people he owes money to will never affect you getting consent to do what you want to do with your daughter – you are doing the best thing for your children – that is what matters.
You were not a fool when you fell in love, how could you possibly know about this addiction without it being in your life or in the life of someone you knew well – I didn’t believe it even when I was told over and over again and the truth was staring me in the face, Many people can’t handle money – they don’t have to be CGs. We were naïve and ignorant of addiction but not foolish.
The CSA can take money at source, maybe they need to know where your CG lives – how you make your own decisions, however, determines your recovery and whatever you do will be understood in this forum.
I agree with your friend’s quote. I do use the past here and in my life but for reference only – I will never live in it again, I cannot change it but I can and hopefully do make it work for me.
Just a quick final word – Are you watching Mr Selfridge? I Know it has now become more fictional but his gambling is well documented and well portrayed– a man who had it all and lost it all. I find it uncomfortable to watch but interesting all the same
As Always Jenny – thinking about you

Keep posting
V

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Hello Liam and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Jenny
You will never get the answer as to why he can’t just stop despite gambling bringing him down to levels he hates and your CG possibly will never be able to tell you – that is addiction.
If his parents are ‘managing’ his wages and not giving him money or clearing his debts then it is unlikely they are enabling. Treatment includes learning to handle money but it doesn’t come easily as money is a mere tool to gamble with.
I don’t understand his £100 – £1000 distinction – gambling with £1 is the same as gambling with a million – it activates the gamble-brain and it is that which causes the poor behaviour and helps the addiction grow.
Nobody can judge you whether keeping his number or not is right; you are gaining knowledge, you are ahead of him in understanding; you are making your choices and that to me is your recovery.
Australia sounds a big step but I loved it when I went there and would have probably emigrated if I had gone when I was younger. There probably will be a battle if you decide to emigrate but from my own experience I know the courts put the child first and if you are acting in their best interests then I think you will have a good prospect of success. I think it is important to keep an accurate journal of your CG’s behaviour towards your daughter for anything to do with the courts in the future.
Break ups are terrible Jenny but you do get over them and you can live a better life because of the experience. Make the bad times work for you or time is wasted.
Keep posting
V

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Hi Ab
Your feelings are not weird; I think the F&F recovery is often underestimated. Fortunately I didn’t give up on getting support for me after I was told by a counsellor that because my CG had changed his life – I didn’t need support anymore. To me it stood to reason that after years of emotional abuse from the addiction to gamble I did need support to recover in a healthy way.
I admire your stance that you won’t do anything until you are sure of what you want to do. With knowledge comes understanding that is lacking during the gambling years and that knowledge makes it possible to make informed decisions. I firmly believe that it is best to stand still when one doesn’t know what to do.
I do know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled but I also know how much courage and determination it takes. Sadly many do fall by the wayside but those I have had the pleasure to know who have fought the battle and won have been truly special people. The problem for both CG and F&F is that we learn that there is no cure and that can be extremely daunting – does it mean that for the rest of the F&F life you will be analysing every move of the CG?
Unfortunately, we can’t even be sure when a true recovery is taking place and this is true of CG and F&F, so how can you ever trust again? I trust that my CG will protect his hard won gamble-free life and I no longer analyse him.
It was good to hear that you both laughed and talked when you went for your walk and my suggestion would be to just let such times happen, maybe encourage them, continue to enjoy each other without expecting anything too deep to occur. The strangest thing for me when my CG left rehab was to realise that he needed to trust me and that trust only came with time, talking, laughing and being normal.
I fully expect your CG is sad, early recovery is a time to look back and see the wreckage the addiction has caused and that is very hard because your CG didn’t ask or want his addiction any more than you did. I suspect when he first gambled he thought it would be a pleasant break from day- to- day activities as it is with most people – unfortunately for him addiction was waiting and he would have been in too deep by the time he realised he had a problem.
I believe the way to ‘see’ a gamble-free life is in the CG’s behaviour, in seeing the things that had disappeared as a result of the addiction. For instance, did he do repairs willingly when he was actively gambling; did he bring you flowers; did you laugh and talk while walking the dog?
As time goes on you will be less exhausted and hopefully have picked up on the things that maybe you stopped doing as a result of the addiction, for instance, seeing friends, going for a meal, relaxing without worrying. Your recovery is so important both for you and your CG – if he sees you happy and enjoying your life it will be easier for him to cope with his guilt and it is important that he does cope with his guilt because guilt holds people back.
I hope some of this helps
Keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Silhouette
You seem to have a fairly good grasp of your girlfriend’s problem and yet you write ‘ I carry the burden of her issues as if they were my own’.
It’s time to lay the burden down Silhouette.
Your girlfriend has an addiction to gamble, but you do not, her addiction is the master of threats and manipulation and you are not – but it is ‘her’ addiction, not yours and you do not have to allow it to control your life. It is important not to get involved in the arguing and blaming game which will only wear you out and gain nothing. If you can stand back and detach yourself you will save energy and give yourself precious time to regain your strength. Putting yourself first is the best thing you can do for you and ultimately for your girlfriend. However much your girlfriend seeks to convinces you that she is in control – she is not.
In your last post you have said that ‘you need’ your girlfriend to stop gambling but sadly that is your need, not hers, she believes her need is to gamble. You can only cope with your own needs and from what you have said your needs are to recover your self-esteem and confidence.
Worriedmama mentioned Gamanon, this is not GA but is the sister group for those who are affected by the addiction of another, it is certainly not a place to avoid because you have feelings of hate towards yourself. I was terrified the first time I entered a Gamanon meeting as I believed myself to be a pathetic blob but it was the best thing I ever did. Gamanon groups are made up of people who have unwittingly enabled, who have hated their seeming inability to cope and who want to change their lives. The sharing and caring is amazing.
I hope some of this helps. Giving up on yourself is not an option, keep posting and maybe try Gamanon. There is a lot more to learn.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Ab
I am glad you have found this site and found your way into one of Charles’ groups. As he said there is an F&F group tomorrow 20.00-21.00 hour UK time – it would be good to ‘meet’ you there.
You have already armed yourself with information and make decisions based on that information. I am pleased that you are feeling the relief you deserve from living in the shadow of the addiction to gamble, however, I am aware that this is early days and you have said that there is a possibility your marriage will be rekindled so I am pleased to be able to walk with you at this time.
I would not be writing here if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived, possibly even more wonderful ‘because’ of the addiction and the courage it takes to face it so I know that your husband can change.
Is your husband still attending GA and as he shown any signs of improvement?
The dog is a wonderful ice-breaker for you, it give you a chance to see for yourself any change without putting any pressure on you to discuss his gambling.
I am going to leave my first post there AB – I just wanted to let you know I had heard you and understood all that you had said.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Alex
I hope you come back to this post soon so that you can get the individual support that you need.
Please scroll to the bottom of the Friends and Family forum page and click on ‘New topic’. Give yourself a thread title, put your concerns in the box, scroll down and click on ‘save’
Your post will appear in the Friends and Family forum and the support you want will be readily given.
Unfortunately I cannot reply to you here, as I would like to, because this is Jenny’s thread but I hope to ‘meet’ up with you soon.
I have a Friends and Family group tomorrow 20.00-21.00 hours UK time and I hope to ‘see’ you there.
If you have any problems with finding your way round please don’t give up – our Helpline is available to you.

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