[velvet]

Hi Jack
As an organisation we do not give legal advice which is why different member’s experiences are so valuable.
This organisation supports those affected by the addiction to gamble so that they can make their own informed decisions on their lives. While they are making what is probably the most important decision of their lives, however, a hug and a listening ear can be the greatest support and comfort of all.
It is not inevitable that your sister’s husband will fall off the proverbial wagon although he does need treatment. I am happy to say I know of many CGs who live wonderful, useful lives. What your sister wants from her relationship is important. Many family members often just want to see the CG gone in the belief that if you get rid of the person then life will return to ‘normal’. However CGs are not bad people and they are loved. It is important, I think, to respect that some people do not see getting rid of the CG as their answer although obviously I don’t know what your sister wants.
Nomore is right when she says that there is no need to be embarrassed when talking to banks etc. because this is a recognised addiction and it occurs in the best families and relationships. Your brother-in-law neither asked for nor wanted his addiction and however he appears to be, his self-esteem will be poor – he needs treatment and it is available. He probably gambled for fun as so many of us have done but for him addiction was waiting and he would have been in too deep by the time he realised it.
So keep communicating with your sister and hugging her – you are doing a great job
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Silhouette
I am sorry to be a damp squib but your girlfriend is not winning, she is losing because she is being kept in her cycle of addiction by what she terms a win.
I am not sure what you call a ‘big win’ but fortunes are won and lost in the twinkling of an eye. and it doesn’t matter if it is one A$ or a million that is gambled it is the ‘gamble’ itself that is damaging your girlfriend.
Poker machine are all over the world and I can’t see an end to their spread, all that can be done I believe, is that people are better educated about the dangers of gambling. Most people can gamble responsibly but you girlfriend cannot.
As expressed in every reply to you, the best thing you can do for yourself and your girlfriend is to look after yourself first, keep up with your friends, hobbies and interests and protect your finances.
Keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

HI Annabelle
I can see that you have already dismissed the suggestion by your husband that Gamanon members are weird! Gamanon groups are closed meetings so I am not sure how he is making his assessment but I wonder if it is because he is a little afraid that you are learning too much. I remember my CG told me that he thought I should go to Gamanon but when I did he regretted it for a time. Your response (or lack of it) was terrific; you didn’t enter a pointless possible argument – well done.
A really positive move in your next paragraph – you put seeing your girlfriend first and of course the added bonus was that the dog got company.
Then paragraph 3 and concern bubbles up but for work not gambling. CGs are often very keen to work because they need the money to gamble; do you feel he chose work over you or is he in a profession that demands its employees are on call? I know in this modern world that more people are expected to jump to the employer’s tune but what was your feeling on this?
I am really not in a position to answer whether or not he is playing in regard to staying the night but I do agree with you that if it was me I wouldn’t ask him again – I feel it might give him the impression that he is still pulling the strings and that is not what you want. Put yourself back in the driving seat, determine your journey and do what you want to do first.
Keep posting – it is an uphill battle I know but bit by bit you will know what is right for you.
Kind Regards
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Jack
You are on it. if she starts a thread, the same as you have done, I will walk with her for as long as she wants me to do so.
I also have a Friends and Family Group that is completely private tomorrow 20.00-21.00 hours UK time. We communicate in real time and nothing said in the group appears on the forum. Your sister would be very welcome and safe.
Thank you for looking after her so well
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Maria
I hope you will soon agree that you could not be in a better place than on this forum where you are understood.
I would imagine you are feeling dazed – the days before a CG (compulsive gambler) leaves for treatment are often pretty fraught. However I can assure you that your husband has done the right thing seeking treatment.
You haven’t said if your husband is on the Gordon Moody Association programme which I know well but wherever he is, he will be settling in tonight and taking stock of the other residents and beginning to find his way around. The main thing is that he is safe and in the best possible place.
It would be a pleasure to support you as to what to do when your husband’s treatment is over. – My CG went through the GMA programme and is now living a wonderful gamble-free life so I know it can be done.
I understand what you are feeling tonight and I hope that you will pop in to the F&F group tomorrow 20.00-21.00 hours UK time when we can communicate in real time and I can hopefully put your mind at ease.
Sleep well tonight – your husband has taken a big step, with determination he can change his life and with you behind him he will have the best support because you want to learn.
You don’t have to give information unless you want to do so, so my questions are not ones you have to answer but the group situation it is private and nothing said in the group appears on the forum. You and your husband are anonymous and will remain so.
You are of course welcome to use our Helpline which is one-to-one and private.
I hope some of this helps but please post again and ask any questions you may have.
Speak soon
Well done posting
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Jack
I’m sorry but this site is not able to give advice on post nuptial agreements.
What we can do and would willingly do, is support your sister in a way that will help her cope, help her understand the addiction to gamble and help her make her own decision on what she wants to do with her life.
Your sister needs support but positive support is the best.
Your sister will almost certainly be lacking in self-confidence and self-esteem as a result of this experience and it is important that she recovers herself gently and with good support, following which she will know what she wants to do.
I suggest that you sister starts a thread and she will be treated with the utmost consideration and understanding.
Kind regards
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Gem
A day staring into space probably didn’t make you feel any better, I know it never did anything for me – but sometimes it is what we do when we don’t know what else to do.
I think maybe an answer for him when he asks what he can do to help is to tell him the truth – that you really don’t know but that you are not trying to make a point. I firmly believe that F&F should tell the truth to CGs who are on the starting grid of a new life. I remember being close to telling a white lie to make my CG feel less worried about me at the beginning but I stopped and vowed that if I couldn’t tell the truth then it wasn’t right that I demanded the truth from him. Another thing you could possibly try is to ask him to help you understand but whatever you do please make sure you are happy with what you are doing and saying.
Has your husband cleaned or cooked during the recent gambling years or is this behaviour new?
When your husband was first caught out gambling he would have lied to cover his shame. The lie was probably unexpected and possibly doubted but allowed to be upheld rather than having a difficult scene. Calling someone a liar is unpleasant and should not be done lightly. Having got away with the lie the first time it made it easier to lie next the time because there will always be a next time with an active CG as they cannot stop when they are winning – and so it possibly continued with you becoming more confused by obvious untruths and him becoming more unable to remember truth – he probably told so many lies that his memory was clouded with them.
I know that he can change Gem, I believe he will not like the man he has become. You are both going through emotions that are new to you and disturbing. The other thing that he will probably feel is a void, an emptiness that once he would have filled with gambling. It is important that he can see that life can be good; that there can be laughter and hope.
I am not suggesting that you get out the flags and start cheering him on but I am suggesting you think about yourself and what you want to do to make you happy.
I hope to see you on Tuesday in the group where we can ‘talk’ in real time – it is private and nothing said in the group appears on the forum.
You will feel like you again, it is just hard to get started especially as you are possibly thinking supposing this is all another lie. True recoveries have to start somewhere Gem and without a crystal ball none of us can know when the true recovery starts. Your husband has to do more than say words, he has to act and so far he is doing things that seem good.
Whatever is happening ‘you’ matter. You matter to your children, your friends, your family and this forum. Do something for yourself tomorrow even if it only to have a wicked cream cake with your lunch – but whatever you do enjoy it.
Hoping to hear again soon
V

[velvet]

Dear Mav
What a cracking post. Thanks for updating I am smiling from ear to ear just thinking about you.
I think I understand what you mean when you say that you are oddly grateful for being a CG because I am oddly grateful that I have a CG in my life. I learned so much from him, GT, Gamanon, GA, and it seems to have been an on-going education that affects every part of my life now.
I have heard others say that every day is a new adventure; your senses that were blunted by addiction have been re-awakened – wow!
Fantastic – thank you Mav for the difference your posts have made to me
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Gem
I think that massive elation is quite common once the first step has been taken towards a gamble-free life – suddenly the way seems clearer, the blinkers are off and it is going to be plain sailing from now on.
Unfortunately such elation is unlikely to last because controlling his addiction is the toughest thing your husband will probably ever do. However, the first step is also one of the hardest and he has done that. Did he tell you anything about the meeting? If not, it is probably best to wait until he is ready to talk and if he does it is best just to listen– sometimes CGs have tremendous surge of hope but they don’t want to talk about it because they cannot trust themselves too early – they know what has happened in the past. Many CG are very considerate of their loved ones continued pain and misunderstanding but others are less so and expect that all is suddenly wonderful so why are you not happy? However you feel Gem will be understood here.
I understand you being emotional drained as well – he is high on expectation and you have had no such light bulb moment. His recovery will be a very selfish one and that is why it is good if you are selfish with you. I have met F&F who are angry that their CG loved one appears so happy when they are not ready to forget what has gone before and are full of resentment. There are many conflicting emotions and talking about them is the best thing you can do – don’t hold them in.
Please try and make your yoga sessions a priority – a time to forget all that is going on with your husband’s addiction, just enjoy being at peace.
I will be looking forward to hearing how the finance chat goes – again it might not be easy, I think many F&F have been made to feel as though they are being over-controlling but a great many CG, who want to change their lives, welcome such intervention ‘in the end’. It is important that he doesn’t think it is a punishment but that it is you doing your best to help him achieve what he wants.
Many F&F compare their spouse’s addiction to having a lover which I think would account for your dream but you awoke and the car was still there and so was he. Gradually if he follows recovery such dreams will fade.
The support group that Cathy mentioned is worth a try – it is the way that I found salvation because at that time I didn’t know organisations such as this existed. I found it terrifying to enter the Gamanon room, I was trembling, feeling sick and afraid but nobody asked anything of me, they ‘knew’ why I was there. I could have left at any time. I was welcomed and given a chair beside the woman who was to change my life. I couldn’t speak when I was asked to do so and a box of tissues was gently pushed towards me and the next person in the group spoke instead. I didn’t speak for weeks but listened and felt friendship and an understanding that I had found nowhere else.
I loved the line ‘today was odd – I felt more normal’. I hope that you will experience many such ‘odd’ days Gem although please don’t expect them all to be so. Your husband’s recovery will be up and down and then hopefully there will be more ups than down until one day the ups outstrip the downs as they do in any other home.
As far as anxiety goes, it will take time to unwind, you have been coiled up tight for so long you don’t know how to begin – just keep breathing, that is an order! And keep posting of course.
V

[velvet]

Dear San
Your latest post was refreshing – you have made great strides and taken decisions and they all seem to be carrying you forward.
I admired your statement which brooked no argument ‘sometimes I help him, sometimes I don’t’. It is something I would normally jump on (as you know) but I believe that’ ‘you’ know what you are doing and with your health and the health of your partner it is important that you do what is right for you.
I am sorry that your health had taken a little bump and I hope the bump is now a thing of the past.
You are very special to this forum San and I await, with you, the day your son decides enough is enough as I am sure he will.
Did you get a St Bernard for when you go for a walk? A new friend in the home is lovely; the only problem is your heart is lost in the twinkling of an eye. Remember all you have learned on this site when dealing with this little mite – they know all the tricks of how to manipulate a simply human being without even trying.
Speak soon
V

[velvet]

Hi Cathy
I know you wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t thought a million times that your son’s problem was as a result of something you had done – however it was never your fault that your son became/is a compulsive gambler and you are doing everything possible to support him now which is all that matters today, what went before cannot be undone.
Is your son still living with you? How is his behaviour towards you when he slips? Are you aware when it happens or does he tell you? Does he earn enough money to keep himself out of debt?
When enough money is earned to avoid debt the CG often believes that they are handling their addiction because they believe they are not hurting anybody else or taking money from anybody else. However they are hurting themselves. I am glad that you are no longer giving him cash, I take it that he earns enough and doesn’t get it elsewhere either.
Does he give any indication why he slips? Does the GA group ask him what he is going to do differently this time? Returning to your first post on this latest thread, is he still suffering very low self-esteem, cutting himself, threatening suicide? If so how are you coping and how is your husband and your son’s siblings dealing with him
Oh boy! I have just seen a string of questions which was not my intent. However it would be good for me to know where ‘you’ are in the great scheme of things. Your health and happiness are so important. Laughter and joy can be absent from a home with the addiction to gamble in it – I hope that is not so for you.
As Ever
V

[velvet]

Dear Ann
I am sorry to say you have given the most difficult reason for your partner to stop gambling and that is an enabling family member who is doing everything wrong for all the right reasons. As long as his mother is baling him out the longer she will keep him locked into a cycle of addiction – she is making it very difficult for him to change his life.
I’m afraid I am not in a position to reply to your housing situation which is beyond the remit of this site. I suggest you contact CAB or a solicitor if you decide to follow the path of separation.
When you talk to people in authority about your concerns, please don’t feel ashamed – your partner is the victim of his addiction, he did not choose to own something so terrible. I think there is a tendency to believe that when this happens to ‘you’ that you are alone and that others will not understand but the CAB and solicitors are aware of this addiction and I believe you will find the support you need.
If you decide to stay Ann there will be tremendous support for you here but likewise there will be no judgement if you decide to leave. If you were in a private group with me, I would ask you if you love your partner but it is probably not something you would want to write on a public forum – maybe it is worth thinking about however.
Your partner can change, he can live an honest gamble-free life if he chooses to but if you feel there is no hope of a future then I understand. I would ask that whatever you decide to do that you give him directions towards help such as this site, counsellors and GA, all who are willing to support him,
Please speak again soon – such decisions are tough whichever way you go but whatever you do I wish you well.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Harry
First of I would like to dispel for you the thought that maybe this site believes that only the less affluent and less educated find themselves owning the addiction to gamble, our eclectic membership knows that this addiction crosses all social boundaries.
Today is the day that you have chosen as Day 1 and is therefore the only day you need to concern yourself with.
Harry – your friends, family, members of this site and most importantly ‘you’ cannot know which leap into a gamble-free world will lead to a true recovery, so why not make it today? There are no rules that say relapses have to occur; true recoveries exist, I know I have seen them and they are very, very special. Make your mind up Harry that today is the day you will not be distracted by sport. Engage with friends and family who do not like football, avoid sports programmes and do something else that pleases you. Do you have hobbies that are not gambling related – if so use them – go swimming; play table-tennis; meet with friends for coffee; go running,d o anything but throw your money away to for the sake of an addiction that you neither asked for not wanted. Do you have on-the-ground support you can turn to?
I hope to read later that today Harry made it through and proved to himself that he can do it because I know he can.
I wish you well
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Harry and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Ann
You have started well and your post in understood in this forum
You say you have friends and family near to you, are they aware of your situation and if so they are supporting you because it is incredibly lonely coping with this addiction on your own.
At no time Ann will it be suggested that you leave or that you stay with your partner. On this forum you will be given information on your partner’s addiction and suggestions of how to cope – when you have collected all the information, you will be in a better position to decide what ‘you’ want to do.
Your partner has a destructive addiction Ann – it is divisive and secretive and depends on enablement to grow. Enablement is the act of feeding the addiction which can come in many forms such as clearing gambling debts, covering inappropriate behaviour to friends and family, giving cash, allowing an addiction that you do not own to take control of ‘your’ life.
You sound weary and I hope that by sharing here you will gain strength and understanding so that you will be less confused. Are you able to open an account of which your partner has no knowledge, a place for you to put monies safely, somewhere he cannot access? Unfortunately his addiction will take you all the way down with it if you allow it but you can refuse it power over you and financial protection for you is important.
Being constantly fed up is awful – please take some time every day that is just for you, time to catch up with friends, re-awaken interests in old hobbies and interests, anything but thinking about gambling and what your partner is doing. It is a sad truth that when a CG (compulsive gambler) is active they do not consider those around them who love them, it is a selfish addiction, so try not to waste your time, your life worrying about something that you cannot control – the only person you can control is you.
If your partner does accept his addiction and wants to change then there is a lot of support for him. He can live gamble-free but he has to want to do it and you constantly being fed up will not make that happen so look after yourself because ‘you’ matter.
I will leave it there for now Ann and post this so that you know you are being heard. I have a Friends and Family Group on Tuesday 20.00-21.00 hours UK time where we can communicate in real time, you will be very welcome but please keep posting on this forum in the meantime where everything you say is understood. Perhaps you could tell us what you did just for yourself on a particular day that helped you to feel better.
Your partner owns the addiction Ann but you do not and because you have rationality and logic you are stronger than his addiction.
Well done writing your first post, the first one is the hardest.
Velvet

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