[velvet]

Hi Maverick
Listening to you today and hearing all you have done has been a pleasure, you have got so much good in your life. You are not a bad person on any day Maverick, you struggle with an addiction that shows itself in bad behaviour but with determination you can control that addiction and enjoy every day.
I appreciate that today you are putting your worries to one side and that is great – today is full of good memories for you to hang on to when temptation rears its ugly head.
39 seems to me to be an excellent age to change your life and live gamble-free – you have a lot of good life to look forward to and more than enough pain behind you. Loan sharks get fat on the misery of other people – you can change that.
Have courage Maverick – you have a lot of people rooting for you who know you can do it.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi NL
Whether you are driven by desperation or not, you are about to embark on a fantastic programme that can give you back the self-respect you want.
I hail from the F&F section of this site but my CG went through the programme a few years ago and it not only changed his life it changed mine too, so I ‘know’ you can live gamble-free and happy. I hope that your family is not truly lost to you – if they want to support you then they are very welcome in the F&F forum or in the F&F group on Tuesday evening between 8pm and 9pm. They can gain knowledge of your addiction that will help them cope and understand.
I wish you well and look forward to updates on your recovery
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello NL and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Jenny
I agree with Vera regarding social media as I believe it is used too often to further unhealthy thoughts and activities – the sort I prefer to avoid. I have recently been aware of someone who misjudged the motives of another and who then passed on a prejudiced narrow-minded opinion, which has caused a family to be blown apart.
I don’t ‘do’ Facebook so I defer to Nomore when she says it might be a good idea to de-friend your CG because certainly, at the moment he is not your friend and what you are doing is definitely not his business.
I hope that no CG, on this site, will feel that F&F tar all CGs with the same brush – with knowledge of each other it is clear that CGs are as different from each other as F&F, with differing levels of understanding, tolerance, delusion, denial, self-will on both sides. Your mountain of recovery has got more than its fair share of awkward rock faces and devious crevices that require different crampons and stronger ropes than some other mountains so just keep posting as you see it and that way you can be given the right tools at the right time.
The most important thing is that you and your children reach the top of your mountain because while you are climbing you are vulnerable to slips and avalanches – you know you cannot save your CG and for now, at least, you cannot spare the energy to worry about him. From the top you will be able to see so much more and then you will know what it is that you want, where you want to go and how you are going to get there. Hopefully there will come a day when your CG will take control of his addiction but until then look after you and your children because it is the best thing for all of you.
V

[velvet]

Dear Jenny
Walking in to any social event alone for the first time is hard but it does get easier because next time you will know that you can do it – I hope you enjoyed some of the evening because every smile, every laugh and every conversation that doesn’t include gambling is one step up the mountain.
I don’t think his words are intended to make you feel bad Jenny, I think his addicion is trying to make you feel responsible because he is resisting the truth that the responsibility for his mess, lies with him.
I agree that his recent behaviour does not suggest a person in control of their addiction for 3 months – in the eyes of the law what he did would be classed as stealing – again he is not willing to accept responsibility.
I don’t think you lost any counters because you sent a text or texts back to your ex because you have worked out for yourself that maybe it wasn’t the best thing to do and that knowledge is a step up. I thought your words “So i tell him it is good that he says he is not gambling but recovery is not just about staying off the bet. For me it is about responsibility, accepting what you did and trying to make changes in your attitude/behaviour so that you start to like who you are again, getting out of the shame pit and being the better father that the kids need u to be.It can’t be about staying a victim, blaming others for what went wrong and to still tell lies’, would/should/could have given him food for thought if he is the remotest bit receptive.
If he asks again why you think he lost it maybe you could just turn his question around and suggest he asks himself the same question and leave it at that – get him hopefully, to think.
Birthdays with a nought in them are often considered to be pivotal points in a life and it might see an increase in his texting. If you cannot resist a reply, keep it positive and as short as possible, read and re-read what you have written before sending so that you don’t inadvertently give him things to chew over and twist. In my opinion, wishing him a better future on his birthday wouldn’t be wrong whereas ‘happy birthday’ would open a whole can of worms!
I ‘know’ that one day you will look back at this chapter in your life but I don’t know if you will make sense of it. For me there is still no sense but there is understanding and that brought the sun out.
I think that writing how you feel is so important, confused thoughts that have no outlet turn into nightmares. I will always be listening and I can hear you chipping away at that rock and finding footholds.
I hope the children and doing well and that with them you are getting fun and laughter.
V

[velvet]

Hi Majortom
The important thing is that you remembered where to come for support. You have recognised the problem and you are doing something about it.
Time to re-find the man whose company you have enjoyed for over 8 years – dig deep – you know (and I know) he is there.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello majortom and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Maria
I understand you wanting to know what is going on.
Gordon House is there for the residents and they do a fantastic job, however, they cannot deal with the loved ones as well. To give their best they have to focus on the CG without any conflict of interest. ‘You’ may know that you will not be a confliction but those working with your husband do not know, so the line is drawn – everybody is treated the same and most importantly – it works.
I don’t know how often, or when your husband will call but whatever happens please believe me the work is going on and your husband is getting the support he needs.
I didn’t hear from my CG for 6 months but during that time he went through many different phases and it would not have helped me or him if I had heard about them – it was ‘his’ recovery not mine. During that time I would call once a week and usually I was told that he had been seen that morning and was looking well. I appreciate that you are frustrated and that having OCD doesn’t help but your problems cannot be allowed to concern those helping your husband – the programme will progress at whatever speed is right for your husband. The outcome is all that matters.
Your husband will be with CGs who are at different stages of recovery and they will support him because they all want a gamble-free life, he will be having counselling and experiencing many opportunities to off-load worries that may never have surfaced before. It is a unique experience and requires a lot of work and soul-searching on the part of the CG – distraction therefore might not always be good or wanted.
I’m sorry if this isn’t what you are hoping for – I can only reiterate that the wait is worthwhile and that amazing recoveries are experienced ‘because’ of the nature of the programme.
Keeping busy is important, doing things that please you is very important, trying new ideas and interests is extra important.
Maybe you could contact the Helpline between 9 and 17.00 hours UK time. It is often manned by a CG who has done the GMA programme and who would willingly support you.
I hope perhaps to ‘talk’ to you this evening and maybe give you greater peace of mind. Maybe you have other questions – I will gladly answer you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Gem
I’ve just got home and was going to close my computer when I saw your post so this is a quick reply before I sign off.
I just wanted to say that I think your plan to ask him how he felt and to tell him how you felt about him watching football, is excellent.
Once again if he can’t see what you mean it is always good to suggest he puts it to his meeting.
V

[velvet]

<

Hello special K and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Maria
I just wondered how you were doing. The weekends always seem long I know, I hope you have plans in place to make this one go a little quicker
speak soon
velvet

[velvet]

Dear Gem
And a big hug from me too (((Gem)))
Your post was sad but there were positives in it and all positives are great. The fact that your husband is realising that you are there is actually a big step, many F&F do not get that feeling for a long time into their loved ones recovery. It appears that he wants to work hard for a gamble-free life and in the early days that is the only behaviour that can be hoped for.
I understand the feelings of being undervalued, disrespected and unloved and it was a revelation for me to discover that I was none of these things following my CGs time in rehab. I hope that you will get to feel this too but it takes time. I think that understanding a little of what the addiction does to a CG’s brain goes a long way toward helping us to feel better.
I can imagine that the experience of your father might have magnified your fears but it is important to remember that your husband is not your father – sorry if that sounds trite, I hope you know what I mean! Has your husband given you a hug since all this blew up – if not, he may be feeling that cooking the dinner is a form of hug, or that he doesn’t deserve one. How are you getting on with talking to each other – opening and keeping lines of communication clear can make a big difference.
Keep posting Gem – you are being heard and cared about.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Kp and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Maria
I’m sorry you got cut off – I’m afraid there is no return to a group in the final 5 or 10 minutes and I have no control over that.
I hope you felt happier for being in the group.
Keep posting – you are doing splendidly. I hope you can tell me some things you have done to please yourself when next we speak. It might not seem to best advice towards getting stronger but I promise you – it does work.
Goodnight
Velvet

[velvet]

another quick Hi
I was obviously writing at the same time as Nomore so I hadn’t read her last post. Having now read it I just wanted to say ditto to everything she has said. Playing detective doesn’t work, the best thing your sister can do is put herself first.
I’m off to bed now
Goodnight
Velvet

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