[velvet]

Hi Kary
I appreciate that you feel you are the only person who knows that your father is gambling but in my opinion the chances are that your mother and possibly your sister are aware too. Compulsive gambling is a divisive addiction that thrives on secrecy which often results in families believing that each member feels they alone in knowing or guessing what is going on.
If your father has stolen from his wife and your sister then I would imagine they know there is a problem. The friend who called your mother demanding money is probably aware of how his money disappeared and I would imagine your mother was very distressed by the call.
Compulsive gamblers are not always aware that it is their behaviour that leads those around them to question what is going on – it isn’t so much the loss of money but the lies and deceit that hurt those who love them the most – the trail of misery and confusion mounts up until somebody calls a halt.
Whether I am right, or not, though Kary, this is not a burden for you to shoulder alone.
You have done fantastically starting a thread here, your post is clear and understandable but Worriedmama is right, it is important that you talk to your mother because if, like you, she thinks she is the only one who knows she will be struggling to cope herself.
Compulsive gamblers depend on enablement. The addiction to gamble is not about money, it is all about the gamble itself. I have brought up my thread ‘The F&F Cycle’ for you which I hope will help you understand.
There is a Friends and Family group on Tuesday 20.00-21.00 hours UK when we communicate in real time – you and your mother will be very welcome.
Whether you join that group or not though please post again. You are being listened to and understood.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Sully
I think you are saying that your partner accepts he has an addiction to gamble and that he wants to change – but is saying that has not found the way to do so that is right for him.
Not all groups of people and not all services are a perfect fit for everyone. It might be that another GA group would give your partner the support that he needs so if it was me I would encourage him to try again.
If your partner does want to live a ‘normal’ life, it seems to me he has to try again to find the support that suits him. On this site we have a terrific one-to-one helpline, a forum for CGs who want to change their lives and CG only groups.
Unfortunately you are right; often the things you say don’t make things any better although if your words appear to make things worse it is probably because your partner is using your words as an excuse to carry on indulging his addiction. Listening is more important than talking Sully – it helps you to see the fuller picture and decide what is right.
Giving money to a CG is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic; bailing your partner out from his debts only enables his addiction so I hope you are keeping your finances separate and safe.
You cannot make your partner happy, you cannot save him but you can make a difference. Have you told him that you are seeking support? Maybe if you did it would encourage him to be more active in seeking further support for himself. From your posts it seems to me that your partner knows what he should be doing but is choosing not to do it at the moment so looking after you is the best thing you can do for him. Seeing you worrying and fretting will not change him but seeing you happy, indulging ‘your’ interests, hobbies and friends will help him to realise how strong you are and give him a reason to believe that there is a good life to be had after addiction. Those who love CGs Sully can lose self-esteem and confidence just as the CG does – so it is important to remember that it is not you that owns the addiction and therefore you do not have to allow it to ruin your life which helps nobody – least of all your partner.
Keep posting – you are being heard
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Bill
Knowing what we should do and doing it is not easy – as someone who did everything wrong for all the right reasons for years I understand you supporting your dad.
I believe you wanted to draw a line and that is what you have done. It is what you do next that matters and I believe from your posts that you know what you are going to do and you are strong enough to stick to it for your mother’s sake as well as yours.
Boredom and loneliness can take people into casinos and maybe your mother needs to address this. Perhaps you could encourage her to think of hobbies or interests that she might benefit from, maybe she could see more friends – do your parents do thing together or is your mother often alone? It is not your job to provide a life for your mother however – she has given you your life and that is what you have to protect
I don’t think it is enough to say to a CG – you’re on your own now without offering direction to support or other ways to live but lines have to be drawn and that is what you have done. Well done
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Sully

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Bill
Your text was good, you told her that you were not going to enable her, that she should seek help and self ban herself from the casino – great messages to get across.
Anger is an understandable response to this addiction but it is a waste of energy. Although the following is not recognised professionally, I know it has worked for many and it may help you cope.
Imagine when you talk to your mother that her addiction is a slavering beast in the corner of the room which will stay in its corner until it feels threatened. The beast is the master of threats and manipulation so when it hears anger it will leap between you and dictate the argument. It doesn’t hear logic or reason because to do so would be to accept responsibility for unacceptable behaviour, so it fights with lies and manipulation. It is important to realise that this addiction controls your mother but it doesn’t control you – unless you allow it to do so.
The CG in my life controls his addiction and is now able to explain to me that when I was talking to him about living an honest and truthful life to be happy, he couldn’t believe me – I had to be telling lies. His addiction had destroyed his self-esteem and confidence, convincing him that he was an unlovable, worthless, failure so why would he bother to fight to be honest and happy when such a life was not possible for him. Believing himself worthless therefore he fought back with every deception possible because he had no other coping mechanism.
In my opinion, it is better to stand back and listen from a calm distance to what an active CG is saying which makes it easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control.
This might sound a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you and by looking after you first you will become stronger and more able to cope with your little brother, your father and your mother.
Maybe next time your mother ask for money you could possible tell her that you have sought support because of her behaviour and that you know that enablement is wrong and it is for that reason you will not bail out her gambling debts. Taking responsibility for her gambling debts is one of the early steps CGs should take when they accept their addiction.
Your mother does need support and GA is there for her, as is this site. Our helpline is one-to-one, completely understanding and non-judgemental, we have ‘My Journal’ which is a CG forum and CG only groups. The ’20 questions’ on the Gamblers anonymous website is worth downloading and giving to your mother – it might waken her up to the damage her addiction is causing. At the moment your mother may think her gambling secret is safe – I believe it is good to take away the secrecy. I think it is good that active CGs know that support has been sought by those who love them because it is a selfish addiction and CGs can think they are the only ones suffering.
In view of what you say about your father I understand that his health is not best placed to hear anymore of his wife-addictive behaviour but it may well be that he already knows and wants to close his eyes to it.

Keep posting Bill.

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Mav

Read your thread through again and stay strong. You are a good man and you can do it

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Bill
I’m glad you have found this forum – I hope that you can get some understanding and peace of mind.
Your mother isn’t stupid even though her actions would lead you to believe that she is. She has an addiction to gamble which she neither asked for, not wanted – anymore than you want it in your life. At some point she will have done the lottery, backed a horse for fun, put money into a gaming machine, played poker, the same as so many, many people do every day with no ill effect. However for your mother this has not been the case – she could not have known that addiction was waiting for her and by the time she became aware she would have been confused and frightened and unable to talk about it. Unfortunately, as you have found this addiction causes untold misery to those who live with it but with understanding and knowledge of her addiction I hope you will cope better and make informed decisions that are right for you, your brother, your father and ultimately for your mother.
Don’t be mad at yourself for not noticing her excuses and lies, you were not meant to notice them – her addiction is secretive and divisive which is why it is better to get your concerns into the open, which is what you are doing now.
What is your relationship like with your father? Is he aware of his wife’s addiction and the losses from his accounts? Can you talk to him about your concerns and will you be able to tell him what you learn here?
Giving money to a compulsive gambler (CG) is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic. Money is not your mother’s problem, it is the addiction that is twisting her mind and causing the unacceptable behaviour and for that she requires treatment. Money is only a tool to her, a means to gamble more and that means she will not walk away until she has lost everything – in fact she will feel she cannot walk away.
I won’t answer all your questions in this first post as understanding this addiction takes time and making the right decisions takes time too. I hope you will stick with us until you are happy that you know what to do for the best for all of you.
You have done well writing your first post Bill. Everything you have written is understood.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Bill

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

<

Hello Shrybinc and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Clare
I am hoping to hear from you soon with some answers to the questions I posed last night.
Not every CG responds to GA, not every counsellor is aware of the toxicity of the addiction to gamble. Your believe that you husband wants a life with you and his children which offers hope that he would stop gambling if he had to tools to do so.
My question to you is therefore – what do you want? You feel in your head that the right thing to do is to tell your husband to leave and maybe it is but I hope that you will return to this forum soon so that you can know in your heart as well what is right for you.
You are afraid and I understand that. I don’t know what your outcome will be but I hope that if you can talk about the terrible circumstances that have brought you to this point, with those of us who understand, maybe you will be less afraid.
Emotional wrecks need a lot glue to put them back together but I believe that this site has tons of the right glue and once we find the right glue we can start rebuilding.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Maria
I can think of nothing better than decorating as a way of keeping busy. To produce a new look, a room untouched by unhappy memories is a morale booster and on top of all that you have the knowledge and satisfaction that ‘you’ did it.
I have missed you and I am so pleased that you are feeling more positive because of hearing your husband’s voice. It is good, in my opinion that he is finding it hard – if it was too easy I would be wondering how and why!
Great positive post, well done.
V

[velvet]

Hi Cathy
I said the Serenity Prayer last night following my group and I thought about you all those miles away.
It is hard to remember our thoughts as we look back but I definitely did believe that the problem in my home was my fault entirely and that I was a rubbish human being. I too used to bite the bullet and try and broach the problem surrounding the home but of course the manipulative power of the addiction was something we didn’t have to tools to handle. A few confusing sentences and I was ready to believe anything again and so on and so on.
This makes it hard to trust when recovery does actually kick in – and I found comfort in the words an old member wrote many years ago
• Forgiveness isn’t condoning the behaviour.

• Forgiveness isn’t forgetting what happened.

• Forgiveness isn’t restoring trust.

• Forgiveness isn’t synonymous with reconciliation.

• Forgiveness doesn’t mean doing the other person a favour.

• Forgiveness isn’t easy.
I have had to scoot across to Vera’s thread to find out what her reference to a GF meant and I’m glad I did.
I have known CGs whose early steps to recovery have included a new relationship because it was a supposed step towards ‘normality’ – unfortunately I have seen and heard of too many who have struggled and failed. Recovery has to be selfish, the CG has to put him/her first and often there can be no room for the responsibility and caring of another – certainly not a new relationship where the GF requires a lot of care and understanding.
With a long time healthy recovery the CG will have freed up more space inside his/her mind giving space to consider and enjoy things that the non-CG takes for granted. Personally I think it is a blessing when GFs and BFs don’t figure in the life of a recovering CG too early. GFs want attention and understanding, both of which a CG can ill afford to give as it removes the focus from the recovery.
One of the biggest problems for CGs at the beginning of a gamble-free life is the void – what to do when the urge to gamble arises – a girl-friend or boyfriend could be felt to be an answer but I would argue it is only the answer when the void has been filled with things the CG has forgotten about or put on one side because of the addiction. Unless the CG has become more rounded, in my opinion, they can hardly be ready to add to a relationship as an equal.
Your family, in the main, seems to have reached the happier state of acceptance which is great. I believe that ups and downs must invariably continue for a time and chaos can erupt but you have the tools to cope now. Nothing can change what has gone before, we are altered by the experience but in my opinion once the coping mechanisms are in place and the addiction is accepted for what it is, then families can move on to great things.
Is it possible to talk about your son’s feelings of worthlessness? I think the elephant in the room is one of the biggest causes of our lack of communication but unfortunately if it is left to fester it only gets bigger. I stand guilty myself of having an elephant in the room with another person, not my CG, so I do understand – maybe we need to find a way to resolve this.
As Always
V

[velvet]

Hi Maria
When we last ‘spoke’ you had lots of thoughts and plans and I am wondering how you are progressing.
Your husband has been in treatment for nearly 4 weeks and I hope you are now getting to be less worried.
Hope to hear soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Clare
I am so pleased that you have posted, I hope that by sharing here you will find greater peace of mind.
The decision you have made has obviously been made after many sleepless nights and confusing days – you have tried and tried to make things work but your husband’s addiction is so far out of control that you can’t take anymore – your decision is therefore understandable.
Have you actually told him to go yet or is he still in the home?
If you haven’t reached that point , I think it would be good to stand still awhile and talk with us, giving yourself time to hopefully understand more and maybe explore new avenues of thought. Rest assured that nobody will ever tell you to leave or to stay, all decisions must be yours. I have a Friends and family group this evening between 20.00 – 21.00 hours UK time. It would be good, I think, for us to communicate in real time. Nothing said in that group appears on the forum, it is private and safe. I would like to hear more about you so that I can support you in the best way possible.
I’m going to send this post now in the hope that you return to the forum shortly – if not I will write further tomorrow.
Hoping to communicate with you later
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi NL
My invitation to the F&F group on Tuesdays is for F&F only. You said in your first post that you had lost your family through addiction and this group is for them if they want understanding and coping methods so that they can support you at this very important time in your life.
F&F are usually angry. confused and frightened which is understandable but when a CG wants to change his or her life, I believe, it is time to listen and understand more so that good support can be given.
Recovery is easier with support although not impossible so whatever they decide to do I hope that you will make this your turning point.
Velvet

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