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Hello Louise

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

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Hello Wazza and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

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Hi Jenny
I am so pleased to see you posting again. Your thread, this forum is for ‘you’ and your feelings; you can be safe here in the knowledge that all you say is understood. I have never read anything offensive on your thread written by you, so please continue posting and getting the support that you deserve.
I am glad that you have had the strength to pull yourself out of the car as it careered and crashed out of control because in doing so you are saving yourself and your children. Crashes hurt but you are alive; you are bloodied and bruised and suffering unwelcome painful flashbacks but you have crawled from the wreckage and gradually the realisation will dawn that the tangled, twisted wreckage is behind you and cannot hurt you anymore – you will begin to feel alive and you will be breathing freely again. If you were not a caring person it wouldn’t hurt.
I think you did the right thing calling the police – calling someone’s bluff when they are saying they are actually committing suicide is frightening to say the least. Unsurprisingly your ex was fine but you could not have known that. Well done blocking his number.
The threats and intimidation are just that Jenny – they are designed to get you to react. What you are now describing is a man who has gone further into his descent into addiction and needs help but he is not asking for it and even if he was, in my view, it is not for ‘you’ to even begin to feel that you are responsible for him, or that you can give it.
My remit is to support you with your ex’s gambling addiction, I cannot comment on his abuse of cocaine but as a mother I am completely behind you in your belief that he is not responsible enough, in his present state, to take your daughter out alone.
It is obvious to me that you are a caring person and I am sorry that you feel you are letting yourself down by giving up on your ex. Some relationships become toxic and one side is not automatically to blame for the other. Your ex is displaying forms of addiction that only he can control and it wouldn’t matter what you did it would not make any difference. Sometimes it is only distance that gives us the ability to see things clearly.
In my opinion Jenny, in the future, if your ex cleans up his act, I am sure you will hear about it – the world is a surprisingly small place. With his head straight you can reassess any contact you want with him or that your daughter might want with him, at that time.
I am glad you are including his parents and that you are talking to friends because it gives you strength and I think you need a lot of on-the-ground support. As you know I cannot tell you what to do but I believe you know what should be done, the hard bit is doing it.
I hope to be able to talk to you again in the group soon
Velvet

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Hi Hello
Well done starting what must be a difficult thread for you – rest assured, the first post is the hardest. I hope you will soon feel a lot clearer about the course of action that is right for you.
Worriedmama has mentioned the F&F Cycle so I have brought it up beside this post for you.
The addiction to gamble thrives on secrecy and is divisive. CGs ( compulsive gamblers) often want their addiction kept secret to that they can get enablement from other unwitting sources; it is possible, therefore, that your mother’s partner is aware that your mother is actively gambling and is keeping her secret from you. It is possible that he will have observed her poor behaviour, as you have – it is this which upsets F&F more than any loss of money.
However, whether her partner knows, or not, the secret you are keeping must be weighing heavily upon you and you don’t deserve it. Your mother can’t trust herself so there is no reason for you to feel you have to try and trust her, in fact to do so would be very unwise for your sake and hers.
I cannot tell you what to do because all decisions must be yours. I suggest you keep posting and gaining knowledge about your mother’s addiction so that you can make informed decisions about what you are going to do. If it was me I would tell her that I had sought help and as a result I would not enable her addiction ever again. She may appear to accept what you say and possibly make more promises to stop gambling but as her addiction is neither logical nor rational her good intentions will fly immediately out of the window unless she seeks the right support.
The good news is that there is lots of support for your mother. I know you want to save her but the simple truth is you cannot – only she can do that – the best help you can give her is not to enable her addiction by giving her money or clearing her debts because giving money to a CG is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic. I believe one of the greatest supports F&F can give their CG loved one is to show them where good support is to be found. GA (Gamblers Anonymous) is an amazing organisation from where she would get the support she needs. We have CG only groups on this site and a one-to-one Helpline where she can talk privately. There are also fantastic rehabs.
I have an F&F group tomorrow evening 20.00-21.00 hours UK time where you would be very welcome and where we can communicate in real time – nothing said in the group appears on the forum.
There is a lot more to be said Hello but I will leave it there because I remember how hard it was to take all the information in at the beginning of my own journey.
Please write as much or as little as you wish – you will always be heard and understood.
Velvet

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