[velvet]

Hi Chloe
This has obviously all come as a terrible shock to you so well done coming here and writing your first post.
I can’t tell you what to do because all decisions have to be yours but knowledge of this addiction will give you power over it and help you make informed decisions that are right for you.
My instinct on reading your post led me to think that this behaviour is not new to your partner but obviously I can’t ‘know’ that for sure. Unfortunately the nature of the addiction to gamble is usually a cocktail of lies and deceit so I think the first and most important thing for you to take on board is that it is very unwise to trust your partner especially as he can’t trust himself at the moment. I think it is important to protect your finances by putting them into your sole name, covered by a pin to which he has no access.
If your partner is compulsive, he will not have asked for or wanted his addiction anymore than you would. If he is not already compulsive, he undoubtedly has a serious problem and the sooner he seeks help the better before it turns into a full blown addiction.
Having been caught with his hand in the till I suspect your partner will be full of remorse and promises – all of which, in my opinion he will probably believe. It is what he does now that matters. We have excellent support for CGs (compulsive gamblers) on this site including an amazing Helpline which is one-to-one and anonymous, there is GA (gamblers anonymous) which offer s good support with great success – in other words to prove he is truly remorseful he should be wanting to take physical steps towards seeking support.
It would be good to ‘meet’ you on Tuesday between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time in the F&F group – nothing said in the group appears on the forum. I am not going to write anymore in this first post Chloe although there is a lot more to tell you but I will wait for you to post again so that I can ascertain how you are feeling because your feelings are very, very important.
Velvet

[velvet]

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Hello Chloe

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Lost
Serious reflection is fine but ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’ get in the way of recovery –put your recovery first because you are important.
I understand what you have been through but I also understand that those who have not been through it struggle to understand. There is no need here to hide anything here, the mental abuse; the ups and downs are all recognized.
I don’t agree that it is in your ex’s DNA, I believe he has the capability to stop gambling if and when he accepts his addiction – although I agree it appears that he is not prepared to do anything about it at the moment.
Everything you said to him in 2013 was right but I am sorry to say his reaction was not uncommon – he chose to blame you rather than accept he had a problem. In blaming you he was avoiding taking responsibility for his unacceptable behaviour.
In answer to your question – yes there is a rock bottom – it is a mental state and nobody can determine when it will occur – enablement obviously puts the moment off indefinitely and that is probably what you are seeing now. You have refused to enable your ex which is the best thing and the most loving thing you can do for him, so well done. By refusing to enable him you have allowed him to fall and I know how painful and difficult this is.
Sadly the threats of suicide are fairly common and I hope that by distancing yourself from your ex such threats will lessen. Maybe you could write down some headings of what you are prepared to say and what you are not prepared to say when your ex calls. Keep the notes by the phone and stick to your script – i know it is hard to think when the addiction is shouting at you, throwing confusion and fear into the conversation. If he rages then I suggest you say something like ‘I am going to end this call if you continue to talk like this, call me back when you are ready to talk calmly’ and be prepared to cut the call immediately.
I don’t hear you playing the victim, I hear a person who is trying to make sense of the senseless. Is there anybody in his family you could talk to about them ending their enablement of him? You know they are feeding his addiction but they might not know it.
I have a Friends and Family group Tuesdays between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time – it would be great to communicate in real time.
You have done really well writing this post that I know would have been hard to write. Keep posting and learning about his addiction, knowledge will help you cope. It is OK and right to grieve but it is important to look forward – you and your son deserve a happier life.
I have brought up my thread ‘the F&F Cycle’ for you to read which i hope will help you see that everything you have written in recognised and that you are far from alone.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Por perdidos y desesperados

[velvet]

Cho sự mất mát và tuyệt vọng

[velvet]

Til fortabt og fortvivlelse

[velvet]

Għal Mitluf u Disperat

[velvet]

För vilse och förtvivlan

[velvet]

खोया और निराशा के लिए

[velvet]

Για το χαμένο και την απόγνωση

[velvet]

Para perdido e desespero

[velvet]

Pour Perdu et Désespoir

[velvet]

For Lost and Despair

[velvet]

Pasiklydusiems ir nevilties

[velvet]

Hi Sophie
I’m sorry that this can only be a quick reply but I wanted just to tell you that your message has been heard loud and clear and understood. I will write to you very soon.
In the meantime Sophie I am arranging to have your email address removed from your user name to protect you. This is an open site and anonymity is important.
The Friends and Family group on Tuesday between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time is private and nothing that is said in that group appears on the forum – it would be great to ‘meet’ you there.
Well done writing your first post, the first one is always the hardest.
Velvet

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