[velvet]

Hi Jenny
I am glad you can write too and I hope writing that post gave you some relief.
I think each knock back gradually strengthens the barrier and it is that which will protect you and take you on and in to the world you want to inhabit.
Your ex, it seems, is not fully embracing recovery (if at all) and as such he will almost certainly keep trying to drag you back into his cycle of addiction – he doesn’t want to let go. You on the other had have proved over and over again that you can survive and although the latest behaviour is a wee bit different it is in essence the same with the lip-service followed by the emotional blackmail.
Your ex has rebuffed his GA mentor with the ‘I know what I’m doing’ line which tells you that other CGs recognise he is not accepting his addiction.
If you asked me ‘how did he manage to make you feel a fool again?’ my reply is that it doesn’t surprise me – you are not made of stone and the addiction that your ex owns depends on you being compassionate. So how do arm yourself against it? It’s the same old answer I’m afraid and I reiterate my earlier words – this knock added to all the others will make you stronger – you will never be stone but you will be safe.
You want to see the good in your ex and I believe there is probably a lot of good in him – you would not have married him if it were not true. I understand you enjoying his company over a meal following his apparent progress with your children – the shared interest in them naturally keeps you hoping for the good, however, I think it is best, although difficult, not to look for the good because it leaves you vulnerable. I believe that, when your ex changes his life, the anger, hate and resentment you feel now will dissipate, so maybe you are trying too early – especially when he really isn’t trying hard at all – yet.
I cannot fault anything that you have done Jenny. You tried, as a loving mother would, to support the relationship of your children with a father/stepfather who has lost his way – he let you down and you battened down the hatches in the face of yet another threat but still you took the time to tell him to use GA and rehab.
You know the way up again
Keep posting – posts like this are like mile-stones – when you find yourself being tested you can look back and say ‘yes I was there a few days or weeks and I wasn’t happy but I took this path and it was a good way forward’.
V

[velvet]

Hi Dadda
I am sorry you are feeling ignored.
It might be that some members don’t know what to write to you because as I explained to you before discussion on legal disputes, the American legal system and PTSD are not within the remit of this site. This forum is about supporting those who are living with the unacceptable behaviour that comes from the addiction to gamble – standing up and taking action may possibly come much later when full recovery has taken place. Some of the people to whom you have posted will never respond as they no longer need the support offered here, they are not ignoring you but they are living their lives out of the shadow of the addiction and have no need to visit this forum; other members may not have read your posts yet. F&F can and do recover from the addiction to gamble so this forum is usually only used for a relatively short period in which to gain knowledge and the tools to cope – what members do with that knowledge is down to the individual but generally any reports we get back are positive.
This site understands it’s responsibility to people’s lives, the staff know as much as possible about their subject and know it well, speaking up and taking action is being tackled by them every day.
I appreciate that what I am saying is not giving you the answers that you want and for that I apologise. It is terrible that there is not enough knowledge being publicised so that people can protect themselves from the addiction to gamble and we can only hope things will change in the future but I’m afraid I cannot help you with most of the situations that you are describing, and the rebuffs you are receiving.
I can’t remember what your experience was with Gamanon but in my opinion it is good to physically share with others who are experiencing the same nightmare – the things that are particular to the area in which you live. I believe that counsellors and therapists can support but that not all of them are as clued up as they need to be – but if this is the case then it is best to change to another, likewise if the Gamanon group you first try is not offering you what you want, try another.
Sadly there will never be a day when someone doesn’t want money and unjust struggles are not common. I understand your frustration but I still hear a lot of anger in your posts which leads me to feel you are not looking after yourself first.
You are being heard Dadda – take care of ‘you’.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Three Timer

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Angela
That post must have taken a lot out of you to write and I’m really glad that you had the strength to do it – well done.
I would say that feeling sorry for a person with the addiction to gamble and then hating their guts is probably a very normal reaction. I think it is also normal to hope they will disappear – anything in fact that doesn’t involve more of the same cycle of events.
You sound numbed by his behaviour but you are wanting to change and I think you are in the best place to talk about how to go about making that difference to your life – certainly you are in the right place for support for you. I agree, full-heartedly, that you deserve better.
Resentment for the sacrifices you made will not help you recover. I know it is difficult not to say ‘what if’ or ‘if only’ but I know from experience that no ‘what ifs’ or ‘if onlys’ make a scrap of difference, you are where you are now and it is what you do know that matters. I believe that it is possible to turn the experiences that have hurt you into something constructive for your future and for the future of your children – I wouldn’t be writing to you now if this wasn’t true.
Please put aside any thought that you sound like a broken record because you are not. I appreciate you say his family would not have him which implies they have also suffered from his addiction but do you think they have completely washed their hands of him – do you have any allies in his family at all and if so would they support you in making a joint real stand against his behaviour?
Has your husband ever accepted he has an addiction or sought any help?
I will leave my first reply to you there Angela and await your replies. I have seen many outcomes in this forum over the years and I don’t know what yours will be but your recovery is paramount here and I am determined you will survive this.
You did make a dent in explaining the damage your husband’s addiction has inflicted on his family and I have a pretty good idea how devastating the rest of the wreckage is.
You are no longer alone. It would be great to ‘meet’ you in the F&F group on Tuesday between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Angela

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

[velvet]

Hi Three Timer

the individual support is here for you but please start your own thread.

I cannot support you on someone else’s thread

Hope to hear from you soon

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Three Timer
the individual support is here for you but please start your own thread.
I cannot support you on someone else’s thread
Hope to hear from you soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Heidi
Your friend can find the phone numbers and addresses of GA on line. I am concerned that he is saying he can’t find any meetings which suggests he either isn’t looking very hard or he doesn’t want to stop yet. He can also contact our Helpline or join our CG groups on line – he will always be heard.
Take care of yourself
if you want individual support please start your own thread
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Pam
You have taken action and now people are listening; you are no longer alone with your thoughts and you can be assured that everything you said is understood.
You write that your husband doesn’t want his family to know about his problem and later you write that you have become really close to his family and you think you will lose them but you want them to know how bad his problem is so that they don’t blame you. I obviously cannot ‘know’ Pam but I would hazard a guess that his family are not completely in the dark. Even if they don’t know it is a gambling addiction they probably have seen behaviours that don’t add up to them but which they may find hard to talk about because they don’t want to upset you. The addiction to gamble is divisive; it splits families down the middle so that it can obtain enablement. It may well be that you husband has ‘borrowed’ from family member who are unlikely to get their money back – unless somebody ‘talks’ and opens the taboo subject everybody is possibly/probably keeping the secret and the secret corrodes.
My first thought is therefore to talk to them while at the same time telling them that you are seeking support. I understand that ‘what to do’ is difficult so I would suggest that the subject of leaving him or throwing him out is left until you know what it is that you want to do and more importantly what you know you can carry through. I think that it is too early to say anything to the children because you are unsure about what you are prepared to do at the moment.
From what you have said your husband is just paying lip service to you. I agree with a lot said in previous posts but I have never heard that stopping paying the bills so that he pays his share and/or writing ultimatums on finances works at all – and I don’t think that involving the children is good idea. I also think it is tough but necessary to ignore the scared little boy because that is what will bring your resolve crashing down. He probably is scared but then so are you and you are trying to protect your children as well. However childlike he is, he is capable of wrecking your life and the lives of those you love.
You will find your ways through this Pam however desperate it feels, if it wasn’t so I wouldn’t be here writing to you now.
Keep posting – it would be good to ‘meet’ you in the F&F group on Tuesdays between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Pamm

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Dear Chloe
Heartbreaks and the pain that goes with them are not comparable – each individual member on this site matters and your heartbreak and shock is as important as any other.
I am glad you have said you will keep posting because threads become like journals so that when you look back on them you can track your progress – and we all need to make progress.
Shame and embarrassment will hold your recovery back – you could not have known that which your partner’s addiction did not want you to know. There is absolutely nothing for you to be ashamed or embarrassed about
Whatever you decide to do will be understood I assure you, so keep posting and maybe drop into an F&F group on Tuesdays – you will be very welcome
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Lost
You have more than enough on your plate and yet you are here, writing positively; that tells me that you will get over it – and not only will you survive but you will turn this terrible experience into something good – the strength you are finding and the self-care you are giving yourself will stand you in good stead for your future and hopefully help you cope with the sadness of your mother’s illness
The story of his parents, brother and sister-in-law makes for horrific reading but you have risen above it. You have recognised that ‘going off the rails’ is not an option and that your son needs you to be in control of your life. I am sure there will come a time when you will tell your son about his father’s addiction but I understand your reticence at the moment. You are a fantastic role model for your son and I am sure you will know when the time is right.
As Monique has said there will be more battles but you are in a good frame of mind, you have the necessary knowledge to keep yourself safe and protect your son.
I wish you well and look forward to hearing more from you as you successfully progress.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Jenny
I think ‘Oh even when the CG is not in your life, he still is’, makes perfect sense to me. As the father of your daughter he is inextricably in your life but with the knowledge you have gained, his addiction is not – I hope I make as much sense as you!
I believe that you have all the tools you need and the sixth sense to know what is right for you and your children although I agree the learning process is still going on.
I know your tears will dry up when you see the view from the top of the mountain – it is a fantastic view but I think it is far too early yet for you to concern yourself about whether you will know if he is gambling again – I think the barriers have to remain high and in need of constant repair for a very long time. Self-care should remain a priority for ever in my opinion.
I think you are right not to trust him but I think you can trust yourself. I look forward to reading that you are in control not just more in control but that takes time and you are doing well.
I suggest the addictive monster is still in the corner but ‘possibly’ becoming a little confused if its owner is indeed going to GA and learning how to render its claws ineffective. Monsters like that don’t like being thwarted though and they should never be underestimated – but then you are aware of that.
Keep posting Jenny and if Brownies finishes early I look forward to seeing you in the group
You have earned a big gold star for effort – well done
V

[velvet]

Hi Sophie
You haven’t lost everything – you are living through a terrible experience and there is always hope. Drink is definitely not the answer; it merely dulls your mind when you need to be in control of yourself and thinking logically because your partner almost certainly is not. Please don’t look for the answers in alcohol – it suggests you are letting an addiction determine what you do and that is not acceptable – you do not own the addiction to gamble but it can destroy you by association – but only if you allow it.
Lies are the tools of the addiction Sophie. Your partner lies to you to distract your interest away from his addiction which he is trying to protect from you – because once you have gained knowledge of it and its capabilities you will be unwilling to enable it.
How you move on, in my opinion, is up to you. I would not suggest you stay or leave but I do hope you will use this forum to gain the knowledge that you need to make your own informed decisions.
Your partner didn’t ask for or wasn’t his addiction anymore than you – what he does with it now that you are aware is down to him, you cannot save him. I believe it is important to point active CGs (compulsive gamblers) to where good support is to be found. This site offers such support on its brilliant Helpline, in the ‘My Journal’ forum and in the CG only groups. There is GA (gamblers anonymous) – you can find the meetings in your area on line. There is dedicated counselling and a terrific rehab with the Gordon Moody Association. If all this seems a little overwhelming then I’m sorry but your partner has almost certainly got an addiction that is dangerous to his own and your well-being – the sooner he seeks help, the better.
He probably doesn’t have the words to tell you that he is struggling Sophie – his addiction will have ruined his self-esteem and confidence – he will probably think you will be unable to understand.
I hope you post again soon so that I know you are still there.
I would love to ‘meet’ you in the group tomorrow – communicating in real time is great.
Keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Chloe
The only reason a CG would want to go to Las Vegas is to gamble!
Vera is right. If compulsive gamblers were not charming they wouldn’t find enablers.
You can get the GA 20 questions of the gamblers anonymous website – I think it is an excellent guide.
You are not necessarily being taken for an idiot – CGs can and do fall in love, the problem is ascertaining what is truth and what is not and that is the dilemma you have. If it was me Chloe I would postpone any wedding plans until I had seen proof of commitment to a gamble-free life and this can take a long time – maybe years. Marriages have to be worked at, they require time and dedication but active CGs have neither the time nor the ability to dedicate themselves fully to another person – the ‘gamble’ is their driving force. Many people who are married to CGs describe the addiction as ‘the mistress’ – a selfish, cruel, all-consuming monster who takes all the good things out of a relationship and leaves a trail of misery and despair. Not a happy picture.
I know that many will disagree with me but maybe you could go with your partner to GA and see him safely in – I did this and then I waited for ages to make sure he didn’t come out. If your partner does go then it is ok to ask him how the meeting went and you can always write here what he says – this forum is quite good at dissembling what is lip-service and what is not.
What do you know about his history? How old is he? Do you know and get on with his parents and siblings? Have you met his friends? Does he have interests and hobbies? These are all things that I would want to know, if I was you, so that I could paint a fuller picture.
I would never suggest you leave your partner or stay with him – the final decision is yours but If you are unsure about how strong you are to face this addiction then I suggest you do nothing rather than plunge in, in the hope that love conquers all – I’m sorry to say it doesn’t!. Tough though it is you cannot save your partner, only he can do that and he has to want to do it with every fibre of his being.
I hope you can talk calmly to your family and maybe pass on what you are reading here. Unfortunately most people are unaware of this addiction and the usual ‘support’ offered is to say ‘leave him/her’ because they are afraid for the person they love – but of course it doesn’t help you if you love the CG.. However on this site you can be sure of judgement free support.
If he takes out loans in your name then that is fraud and I hope you would know what to do about that.
I do know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled; I do know that many CGs who live in control of their addiction live full and fruitful lives but a lot has to happen to make this possible.
Keep posting Chloe – your last post was more positive, you are asking yourself the right questions.
Velvet

[Author]

Posts