[velvet]

den här gången är det för Hannah

[velvet]

इस बार यह हन्नाह के लिए है

[velvet]

αυτή τη φορά είναι για τη Χάνα

[velvet]

desta vez é para Hannah

[velvet]

cette fois c'est pour Hannah

[velvet]

this time it is for Hannah

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šį kartą ji skirta Hannai

[velvet]

esta vez es para Hannah

[velvet]

lần này là dành cho Hannah

[velvet]

Hello Hannah

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

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Hi Courage
Keep fanning that tiny spark and it can set your world on fire – if it was not possible for you to stop gambling I would not be writing to you. You have a great username for someone who desires to live gamble-free because it does take courage to fight your addiction but you can do it.

Keep posting
Velvet

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Hi DD
I also sent a letter to my CG in a similar vein but it wasn’t until he was in recovery and living a gamble-free life that he told me his reaction to my written word. He said he read it a hundred times and saw different things in the words every time he read them but he never saw the spirit in which the letter had been sent. He read it so often, the paper was tired, damp and screwed from where it had been folded and re-read so many times – it was illegible – but his personal perception of what he thought I had said was dictated by his addiction. I believe you were right to hear the addiction talking in your mother’s words.
The normal conversations you are having are great. An active CG often doesn’t feel normal, so when the realisation comes that they have a real problem, normal is an unfathomable concept which they believe is unavailable to them. Keep those positive conversations going – well done.
I fully understand that your father’s death triggered this terrible reaction in your mother and I think it is important, for her and you, to remember the good times before his death when she was the warm, intelligent, giving person you write about. Did she have hobbies and interests and if so where they solely dependent on your father?
Your mother could not have known that addiction was the price she would pay for gambling – she probably saw it as a mild release, a chance to forget. If she had known it was something that would take over her life and detrimentally affect her relationships with those around her I am sure she would never have placed that first bet.
I think maybe an intervention with all your siblings and those closest to her that she cares about might be an answer – a chance to talk to her positively without blame or judgment, with no mention of her addiction. A chance for you to tell her how much you love her and to offer her another way to spend her time, maybe to remind her of a forgotten hobby or interest or friend, she used to enjoy (because addiction does cause friends to drop away). Careful planning between you all is important because the united front is paramount and everybody must know what it is you are trying to achieve. Love, compassion and positivity must be central; it is vital that she is heard but not criticised – maybe physical contact (depending on your relationships) will help. She will feel lonely and so above all she needs to hear hope. Having had the intervention maybe a relaxed social could follow so that she could feel a very special, important, welcome and normal part of her loving family..
The beast will be there in the corner and it will be wide awake but poking it will result in negativity. Sadly having gained life and grown rapidly over 20 years it will always be there in her corner and it will not want to withdraw its claws; but it can be quelled, your mother can live in control of her addiction because if it were not so I wouldn’t be writing to you now.
I agree with Vera that doing things with your mother is an excellent idea but of course you have your own lives to lead and you cannot be with her all the time so I think that looking to see what used to give your mother pleasure is worth considering. Does she have friends of her own age? Does she enjoy books, jigsaws, knitting, cooking, what is it that she used to like to do before the addiction took over.
If you are anything like I was, I only had to look at my CG when the addiction was affecting my life to start thinking about his gambling and what it was doing to him and to me but of course there is more to a person than their addiction – if you can find it. A light, bright and positive approach may be the answer.
80 is no longer the ancient ‘sit in the corner and wait to die’, that it used to be – your mother could still have a full and productive life but she needs to tools to help her cope. I know she is reluctant but GA do offer the tools, as does this site in its facilitated CG groups and on our Helpline. There are many people willing to help her without judgement and with understanding.
I hope you all realise the importance of looking after yourselves, the last thing your mother will want to see is that her addiction has destroyed your lives.
I wish you all well and hope you will keep posting
Velvet

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Hi Lost
I hear a very strong person in your posts and I am relieved that it is so – your son is in a very vulnerable position and he needs a strong role model. You said in an earlier post that you didn’t know whether or not your son was aware of the seriously destructive nature of his father’s addiction and I wondered if this was still the case.
Addiction is discussed in schools and in the media and maybe your son is more aware than you think. You also said that your CG adores his son and means to be a good dad but you know he isn’t remotely fulfilling his parental responsibility. The behaviour that your son will be witnessing at the poker games cannot be healthy for him.
It is very possible that the hassle you are getting is not designed to upset you but to fulfil a need in him to show you that he is doing alright, that he knows what he is doing, that you don’t understand and you’re wrong – because that is what his addiction is telling him and that is the belief he is hanging on to.
Keep going as you are, you are doing well and I am sure he will tire of trying to prove to you he is ok especially when/if the truth sinks in to him that he is not.
Keep posting Lost
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi DD
I can understand your confusion; your mother is like an out-of-control child and her children, who have a right to be supported by her, are struggling to deal with her unacceptable behaviour.
Please put all thoughts of what you might/could/should have done – the past is gone and everything that you did, you did for the right reason, nobody could or should ask for more from you. I hope it helps when I tell you that I did everything wrong for all the right reasons for 25 years. With knowledge DD you will be able to cope and hopefully see your way forward with this incredibly sad situation.
I remember a friend of mine telling me that the Doctor had advised her mother to lose a lot weight when she was 84 and we agree that at her age she was ‘entitled’ to live the rest of her life eating whatever she wanted – the only person she ‘might’ have been hurting was herself. The gambling addiction is very different of course because it hurts those around it as well as the addict and the pain is often unbearable.
I wondered when I read your post and you compared the addiction to ‘the beast’ whether you had read the analogy that I often write about the addiction being the snarling beast in the corner of the room. I won’t repeat it unless I hear from you that you haven’t read it, however, I do think it is a good coping method in your circumstances. I will wait to hear from you on that.
I believe that if your mother will not consider seeking help she is probably not accepting her addiction – I think it more like that she is telling you what she thinks you want to hear so that you back away but her words are useless without action. Are you close to your siblings; have you considered getting all of you together and talking to her with one voice? Are all your siblings aware that enablement will only keep your mother up to her neck in addiction? The addiction to gamble is divisive and unity among those around the addict is vitally important because nobody is to blame.
I agree with you that just listening is probably never going to be enough for you because you are suffering and that is not right. A listening ear is good when a person wants to work their way through the confusion in their minds but your mother appears to be capable of abusing your listening ear.
How are you enabling her to stay in her own home which she loves? If she lost her home because of her addiction where could go? With you and your siblings united against her addiction she might see that the home she loves is under serious threat?
I will leave this first post here DD and await your reply.
Well done writing your first post, I know it could not have been easy.
Velvet

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Hi Shelly
In my opinion, your husband’s belief that he can quit with help from God alone is an excuse and/or a hopeful belief that one day he will wake up and find he can control his addiction. It seems to me that until that time he intends to carry on without effort on his part.
What is it that you want to do Shelly because your wants and needs are important and I suspect that they have been lost in the fog of your husband’s addiction? Do you have children?
Most compulsive gamblers will search for any excuse to carry on until they have exhausted everything and everyone around them – the addiction can take those who love them all the way down if it is allowed to do so and that is the crux of the matter – what is it that you want?
Has your husband been to GA? Was the therapy and treatment that he half-heartedly tried dedicated to addiction and preferably the gambling addiction?
I hope you will write again and tell us a little more about yourself and perhaps join the Friends and Family group on Tuesday between 20.00 – 21.00 hours UK time.
I am glad you are here and I hope you will be too – your post is understood.
Velvet

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