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Hello Karmy and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Battman
Nobody on this site will ever tell you to leave your partner or to stay, what we will give you is information on the addiction to gamble because knowledge of the addiction will give you power over it and help you to make informed decisions on your life.
I assume from your post that the information came from your partner’s parents and I wondered what, if anything, they were doing to support their son – and you.
I am not judging Battman, but when you say that you are bailing him out, what you are doing is freeing up money for him with which he can gamble. Giving a CG (compulsive gambler) money, or financially bailing out, is the same as giving an alcoholic a drink or giving a quick fix to a drug addict – you were not to know.
You make complete sense to me and you are right when you recognise that the only person who can save your partner is himself, however, what you can do, which is the right thing for you and for him, is to look after you first and foremost. If you allow yourself to be manipulated and taken down by your partner’s addiction you will not be able to support anyone. Your partner didn’t ask for or want his addiction anymore than you, he would probably give everything to be able to gamble responsibly but he cannot – you on the other hand do not own his addiction and you can be the rock for both of you.
It is very hard to be tough but CGs tears are generally only for themselves and the fact they cannot gamble – only after acceptance do the tears tend to fall for real remorse for the pain caused to others. Please try and deal with your own demons and let your partner deal with his. If he chooses to gamble and lose his money, I suggest that you let him be the one to take responsibility for his choice and if he is hungry, give him basic food.
I am hoping that your partner’s parents are supporting you with this problem, the addiction to gamble is divisive and unity against it by his whole family is the best thing for your partner.
Now that you are aware of his problem, has your partner accepted his addiction, does he want help? If he does then pointing him towards the right support for him is the best thing you can do, after taking care of yourself first. This site offers terrific support to CGs – on our Helpline (which is also there for you), our CG groups and our CG forum ‘My Journal’. In the UK there are the Gordon Moody Association residential programmes which are responsible for many, many success stories – including the CG in my life. There is also Gamblers Anonymous. None of these groups are judgmental; your partner would be welcome and understood in all of them.
Well done starting your thread, your partner is indeed lucky to have someone like you on his side. You are now among those who understand you and who will support you and be here for you for however long you need it. It would be great to communicate with you in real time in the Friends and Family Group on Tuesday 20.00-21.00 hours UK time. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum.
I will leave my first reply to you there Battman and wait to hear from you.
Velvet

[velvet]

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Hello Battman

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Dear Jenny
I see many positives in your post such as your ex recognising your reluctance to have him back in your children’s lives – active CGs generally don’t have such vision.
You told him that actions spoke louder than words – excellent reply.
You recognise that it is your ex’s addiction, not you, that has brought him to his comfortless flat. You bought him a cheap microwave, (you didn’t give him money to buy it) and you bought it because ‘you’ wanted to do so and not because he manipulated you in to doing so. You allowed your son to help him move – again no money changed hands and it was your choice and your son’s choice.
For every few steps forward though there are (and will be for some time I think) a step back. Why feelings of guilt? –it was not you that gambled uncontrollably and ruined your relationship, you are not to blame for the situation in which he finds himself, you put him out of the house because of his unacceptable behaviour which could and did endanger your children,
I agree that your pals probably only want to support you but it is easier for them to condemn him and consign him to the gutter than it is for you who love him – they don’t see what it is that you see and for that he is a very lucky man.
Cigarettes often seem more important than water to those who are struggling to survive and I don’t understand it either but smoking is an addictive behaviour and one he will hopefully control later– as an ex smoker or many years, I am not the best judge of those still who still smoke.
I don’t hear someone falling into a trap, what I do hear is someone aware that the trap still exists and someone who is not prepared to fall into it again – maybe this is true of all of us who survive the addiction to gamble. If we were not aware of it we would, in my opinion, be very naive and we would have learned nothing. As I have told you before the CG in my life told me years ago that he will always be a CG but he chooses to live in control of his addiction and with that I am content.
It strikes me, Jenny that your ex is saying the right things but like you I wouldn’t trust him. He gambled everything again only 6 weeks ago and he was still frightening you with his paranoia about being murdered – little there in which to place any trust! Is it his mentor that is giving you reason to hope or is it your ex telling you what his mentor is supposed to have said?
If he is really wanting to manage his money, have a relationship with his family and control his gambling, I can think of nothing better than that he applies to the Gordon Moody Association for support and to do it sooner rather than later. He ‘sounds’ low enough. I suggest giving him the details and/or talking to our Helpline. It works for those who want to live in control of their addiction and he has your amazing support (yes it is amazing) which is so invaluable to those who want to recover their lives.
I will be here for you as long as you want me to be here, gambling broke my heart but I know it can be controlled and broken hearts can be mended.
V

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Hi AnonG
Having witnessed firsthand your brother’s serious gambling problem it is easy to see why you are so worried about it cropping up again in your life.
I don’t think you are unreasonable to be concerned but without further information I can’t determine what I feel your possible line of action should be. If your boyfriend does want to dabble with gambling and is able to walk away from doing so regardless of loss or gain then maybe it would be unfair to say ‘no more or else’. Being told he cannot do something that he find pleasurable and is not hurting him will almost certainly result in him doing it behind your back which is what has possibly happened. Talk to him as calmly as possible; maybe tell him you have sought support for yourself because you want to do that which is right for both of you – including allowing him to gamble if he is not in danger of over-stepping the boundary between responsible gambling and addiction. Communication is the most important thing.
I am interested why he went to GA – did he go to please you or because he was concerned about the possibility his gambling could become uncontrollable?
Having been to GA he will almost certainly have heard/seen the Gamblers Anonymous 20 questions – I suggest you download them from the GA web site and if you still feel he would answer ‘yes’ to at least 7 of the question maybe you could discuss those points with him. If he feels he has a problem it is important that he can trust you with the information without you losing your cool – he will need support, not condemnation.
I hope you will write again and tell me more about your boyfriend and in particular his behaviour before and after he has gambled.
Well done starting your thread – if compulsive gamblers were supported in the right way at the beginning perhaps there would be less misery and destruction from the addiction.
Velvet

[velvet]

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Hello Anon

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Tamworth and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Dear San
This is a wondering post – a reminder if you are still reading, that you are cared about.
I suspect we won’t hear because I think you no longer need support, you were flying free last time we heard and doing great.
I just wanted to say ‘hi’
V

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Hi Louise
It is a sad fact that without treatment the addiction to gamble will get worse and certainly in my experience GPs are no more help than a chocolate fire guard when it comes to this addiction – I repeat though that this has been my experience.
The right support is available for your partner as I have mentioned before – GA; the Gordon Moody Association; this site with all its different CG support groups and a terrific Helpline. What has his reaction been to these suggestions?
Does your partner know that you are seeking support? Often CGs do not think that those who love them need support and it can be a wake-up call to hear that they have sought some. In my view it is good that he knows that you are taking his addiction seriously even if he is not.
If he is now stealing to feed his addiction and it becomes a criminal matter your partner is in danger of losing his freedom and prisons are not designed to help CGs. The Gordon Moody Association rehabs are residential but in them your partner would be free to get the support he needs to control his addiction.
I hope you are getting support from family and friends and keeping up with your own hobbies and interests. As Worried Mama has said, Gamanon will give you support and suggestions and I believe it is important to take all the help that you can get.
It would be great to speak to you in real time this evening
Velvet

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Hi Blue Jaffa
Please start your own thread so that you can get individual support. It is not possible to support you on someone else’s thread.
Velvet

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Hi Hannah
Gamanon meets separately from GA although most groups, if not all, join together at certain times by invitation only.
Generally CGs will have lied many times to get enablement and often carry on lying when they first attend GA meetings. If the non-CG loved one was in the room they would probably get very upset and cry out ‘you’re lying’, which doesn’t help anybody. The beauty about a GA ‘CG only group’ is that the other members can spot the lies but can also relate to the behaviour – they have an understanding that most of us will probably never have and therefore they can support in a way that non-CGs cannot.
In Gamanon you will hear different stories and share similar experiences – at the root of it there is a determination to live without the gambling addiction controlling ones’ life. I found that listening to others was an eye-opener and a relief – they had said and done all the things that I had said and done and they had reacted to the addiction as I had done. I barely said a word for weeks without crying but I wasn’t pushed to speak, I just felt an overwhelming empathy that I had not received anywhere else. I think Gamanon would probably be a very good place for you.
I understand why you don’t want to tell your family or let your partner’s family know that he has a problem but unity and support is the best thing for a CG – I would be surprised if his family wasn’t concerned about some (or all) of his behaviour even if they don’t know it is a gambling addiction – they could be suffering in silence just like you. As your partner’s behaviour appears to be becoming even more unacceptable, maybe it is time to seek their support – if his stealing is found to be criminal his family will be thrust into the cycle of his addiction without any warning. Those around an active CG can protect themselves from the addition if they know what the problem is – without knowledge people do all the wrong things and help nobody.
I hope maybe we can meet tomorrow in the F&F group where you will be welcome. It is good to talk in real time.
Velvet

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Hi DD
I fully appreciate the belief that your mum is strong but her problem/addiction brings down the strongest.
You wrote earlier that you had given her books on women and gambling and that she had gone quiet, maybe you could ask what she had thought about them, not in an interrogating way but as someone interested in her opinion of behaviour that confuses you.
It sounds to me as though you are doing well when you say that you and your sister will watch her to make sure she remains accountable because the problem, possible addiction, your mother has is that it feeds on itself and grows until it consumes those around it. I suggest that she doesn’t want to open up and talk about it because it would be an admission of her fallibility to her daughters and also to herself – not talking about it does not mean she is happy with the direction she is going in. I believe that keeping fearless communication open is important and listening is the most important thing of all.
I hope you will keep posting, your mother is lucky to have such caring daughters even if her problem prevents here telling you so.
Your sister will, of course, be equally welcome in this forum.

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Hannah
It really doesn’t help being told you have done the worst thing to a CG (compulsive gambler) does it? You did so many things right for all the right reasons so don’t beat yourself up on what has gone before; you are doing an excellent job protecting and loving a child whose father is not behaving responsibly at the moment. With knowledge of his addiction you will cope even better.
I am bringing up my thread entitled the F&F cycle for you so that you can see how easy it is to find yourself on the addiction roller-coaster without knowing how to get off. Sadly you are far from alone but if I didn’t know the addiction could be controlled and amazing lives lived as a result, I would not be writing to you now.
You have threatened to leave your bf and not carried it out so now you know that such a threat doesn’t get the result that you hoped for – the addiction is the master of threats and manipulation but you are not and nor, I suspect, do you want to be. I think that if you look at each thing you have done to thwart the addiction and than think about the reaction you got you will begin to get a picture of what works and what doesn’t and that is what learning to cope with this addiction is all about. It’s like a jig-saw, put the pieces together one at a time so that instead of seeing it as one big insurmountable pile the ‘mess’ takes shape. There is no magic pill and there is no crystal ball but you can make a difference. I think a journal of the ups and downs is helpful when looking for patterns of behaviour – both his and your own. If you keep posting here I believe you will soon be able to look back on your posts and be surprised how far you have come because ‘your life’ and what ‘you’ want and deserve is tremendously important, not just for you but also for your special daughter and your bf.
‘talking to someone doesn’t work for me” is a common CG response – and probably means ‘I don’t want to talk to anybody because I want to gamble’. Has he ever accepted he has a problem or is he always in denial? Has he ever tried GA or addiction dedicated counselling? Has he ever seen the 20 questions posed on the Gamblers Anonymous website, if not it might be worth your while downloading them – it might help him to focus on the possibility that he has an addiction and needs the right treatment? Have you got friends and family supporting you? I didn’t hear someone talking like a mother in your post, I heard a caring thoughtful person who understandably doesn’t want a relationship without trust.
I am going to leave this first reply there for now Hannah and wait for you to reply. In the meantime I hope that this forum helps you to know you are not alone and that everything you write is understood.
Velvet

[velvet]

denne gang er det for Hannah

[velvet]

din id-darba huwa għal Hannah

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