[velvet]

Hi Jds
What a great post – well done.
You have taken the first step towards your recovery following all the awful things that have happened to you and you sound so much more positive already..
The addiction to gamble is a corrosive and terrible addiction and those who have lived with it suffer a great deal but CGs do not deliberately set out to hurt those who love them and that is why I tell F&F that CGs neither asked for nor wanted their addiction. Of course you didn’t want to be hurt in such a cruel fashion and you certainly did not deserve the appalling way you have been treated. I am very, very aware of the pain you have felt in the last 6 years but I believe it is important to know as much as possible about the experience that has hurt you and to understand that there are no winners with this addiction.
I hope you do well with your interviews – you deserve to have good thing happen to you and I hope the online debt charity you have spoken to can help you. It is a sad fact that you may never get the money back that your father owes you; it would be good if he did repay it but it is best not to raise your hopes because money lent to clear gambling debts is seldom returned. You are not alone, most F&F experience some loss but it is important not to allow such loss to destroy your future happiness – it is your peace of mind, your health and what you do from now on that matters.
Keep posting J – you are doing well
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Jds
You sound as though you are going round and round like a bee trapped in a jar unable to find your way out.
At the moment you are struggling to find work, you have money worries that you don’t deserve and you feel rejected by your mother and ill-used by your father. Any one of those things would distress and confuse the best of us.
Life is often tough J but if we deal with one worry at a time we can eventually see where we are going.
The following comes from the Gamanon support book and is one of my favourite pieces:-
YESTERDAY, TODAY, AND TOMORROW.

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry: two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
One of these days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.
The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise or poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.
Tomorrow’s sun will rise, either in splendour or behind a mask of clouds – but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.
This leaves only one day – TODAY. Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of these two awful eternities – yesterday and tomorrow – that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives people mad – it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us, therefore, LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Don’t try and deal with everything at once J. If you decide to tell you mum, do it and see how it goes first before you worry about your dad’s or your brother’s reaction – you can deal with them if and when you need to do so.
If you feel getting the job is your way out of your predicament then stop worrying about your mum’s, your dad’s or your brother’s reaction and look after yourself.
If you decide to sort your debt out, then go to the CAB for advice or contact the debt companies and tell them how and why this debt occurred. Do not worry about your father’s reaction if you do this – you are protecting yourself from his poor behaviour and saving him from facing the consequences of his addiction is not going to help him.
Keep posting – you will get there – have faith in yourself, you are obviously bright and caring – you can rise about your parent’s behaviour and live the life you want to live.
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Jds
You are carrying far too much weight on your shoulders but I can hear that telling your mother is causing you extra distress so maybe it isn’t the right time for you to spill the beans – however, I hope you will take on board all that Twilight has said about her relationship with her mother and maybe share your problem with your mother in the not too distant future..
If you continue as you are at the moment you will not get help from either parent, one is oblivious to your problem and the other doesn’t want to hear as he is only concerned with himself. It is really tough but in my opinion, it is best that you don’t expect, or hope for, any support from your father – put him on a back-burner and accept that you have to cope with your life without his support.
The CAB understand the debt that the gambling addict can foist upon an unsuspecting family member, perhaps you could approach them for advice. I did what Vera has suggested you do and told my CG’s creditors that it was him and not me that was the debtor – I was amazed at the amount of compassion I received because they are very aware of the addiction. Naturally their main concern is to get their money back but they will possibly give you extra time or even lessen the debt, it is certainly worth talking to them. I am not sure they can chase your father if you signed the loan agreements but if I were you I would not leave a stone unturned.
Keep posting J – you will get through this.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Ali
Laughter often goes out the window when addiction comes in the door but I hope you will soon laugh with your husband again, however, it does take time. Taking control of an addiction demands a lot of careful attention and I have found CGs in early recovery need, from necessity, to be more serious.
I hope you will keep posting because early recoveries go up and down – not just for the CG. When I first came on this site the recovery for F&F was not considered important, the general feeling being that if a CG had stopped gambling F&F did not need support. In my opinion, however, F&F recovery is tough and it is a time when support is definitely needed. A lot of emotional baggage is collected when a person lives with a CG and it doesn’t go away overnight. The ‘whys’ crop up when they are least expected and the ‘what ifs’ weigh one down.
Something caused me to doubt my CG within the first 2 years which turned out to be nothing to do with him. I had a major crisis of confidence and the doubt nibbled away at my peace of mind until I told him my concern – although he set my mind at rest I rattled his recovery because I hadn’t trusted him and he had to seek support from his peers. Such things, I believe, are bound to happen and how we handle them is important. A CG with support is far more likely to succeed with a gamble-free life than one without. Following that incident I realised I had to trust him with his recovery and that is the trust I have.
So please keep posting and however small you feel your worries are, push them around here and hopefully strengthen your resolve to recover ‘you’ because you are very, very important. You will probably swing from hating him and worrying if he will ever be the man you want him to be to loving him and back again – you have had a terrible shock and I hope he understands your confusion. If at any time you feel he doesn’t understand maybe you could suggest he puts whatever is worrying you to his other GA member to see what they think – CGs who want to change their lives offer great empathy and support to each other.
We often laugh in the F&F group – it would be good to ‘meet’ you there.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Jds
Next time you speak to your dad perhaps it would be better if you have previously written down what you want to say to him and what you should not say to him. For instance, when you tell him that you are telling your mum and he says
‘you cant jds, it will cause so much hassle and you will be fine soon’ your reply maybe should be ‘It is not me causing hassle, I am not fine and I need support’. End of discussion, he has no right, in my opinion, to tell you what you can or can’t do – that is manipulation.
I have explained to you why he is not listening – there is no reason for him to do so while you are complying with his addiction – compliance is enablement and as long as you allow him to manipulate you he will not stop. His addiction doesn’t want to help you; it is selfish and is only looking after number 1.
In my view, from all you have said, your mother should know that her daughter needs support and she should know it sooner rather than later. Maybe you could ask her to read your thread.
You are right that you will not automatically be fine soon – your father is manipulating you and only you can stop it happening.
Be strong Jds – you have a right to be happy
Keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Walter
You have started your thread well, your post was clear and is understood,
I imagine when I write ‘the addiction to gamble gets progressively worse unless it is treated’ that you will be hollering at your screen – ‘but he has had treatment’, however, unless a CG is willing to listen to what is being offered and is determined to change there is little that can be achieved.
CGs can react more aggressively when they eventually start taking in what they have to do if they want to live gamble-free – they can increase their gambling to even more insane proportions in a final act of madness before surrendering. They can be doubly aggressive to those who love them because they are afraid of what they need to do.
It is common for CGs not to confide when they face their demons – if they say they are going to stop at a certain time and place, they are aware that the expectations of those who love them are heightened which increases their fear of failure.
These are ‘some’ reasons why your partner could seem to have disappeared further into his addiction at the moment but of course it would be naive not to consider that he has chosen not to confront his addiction because he doesn’t want to do so. Putting off the battle to live gamble-free is common because it takes monumental courage to commit to change and carry it through.
You wrote that you have dealt with his gambling together before but only your partner can really deal with his gambling, you cannot save him, you can only save yourself. Saving yourself is right for you as well as your partner because seeing you as part of the wreckage of his addiction will only cause him confusion and guilt, triggering further gambling and so the cycle continues.
In my opinion your partner is possibly increasing his meanness towards you as his addiction is screaming at him not to give up, I think his addicted mind probably sees you as the ‘reason’ for the pain he is going through when he doesn’t want to take responsibility for his unacceptable behaviour.
Never threaten a CG unless you fully mean to carry out your threat. The addiction to gamble is a master of manipulation and those who love CGs are almost certainly not – and nor should they try to be. You write that you have considered leaving – is this what you really want to do?
I cannot tell you what to do Walter. I wouldn’t be writing to you now if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble could be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result but it is impossible to ‘know’ when a true recovery starts – both for the CG and those who love them – all I know is that they do start.
I am going to leave this post here and wait to hear from you again. Never apologise for venting, you are trying to help the man you love and there is nothing to apologise for.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Walter

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Shelly
I would never suggest to you that you should leave your husband or that you should stay with him – all decisions must be yours. When you don’t know what to do it is important, I think, to stand still until you know what it is that you want to do. To this end Shelly, I hope you will keep posting because talking and listening helps us make life-changing and informed decisions that are so important to get right
Many CGs hope that they can change their lives with will-power but as yet I have not heard of one successfully doing so. This, along with your husband’s so-called belief that God alone can save him is another excuse to gamble – he is the only person who can change his life.
Separation does not have to mean the end of a relationship and sometimes, sadly, estrangement is the only way forward. Your husband appears to have his blinkers firmly in place and maybe he will not truly accept he has an addiction without something hitting him so hard his blinkers fall away, such as you putting a distance between you or, as you say, getting caught with a loss so great he cannot keep denying he needs help.
However the most important thing is you and your health, without your health you will not be able to cope and your son needs you to be in control.
The various and sometimes frightening ailments that you are experiencing as a result of living with the addiction to gamble will gradually go away when you refuse the addiction any place in your life. It is important to keep up with friends and enjoy the hobbies and interests that please you bcause it is easy to lose these things when the addiction to gamble fills all your waking hours.
Tell me more about ‘you’ and what you want Shelly. I have a F&F group tonight (Tuesday) between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time – it would be great to talk to you in real time.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Shelly
I have guests staying at the moment but I will respond to you on Tuesday.
I read your post 2 days ago but I always like to give my replies a lot of thought before I commit to posting them because you deserve considered responses.
The forum is fairly quiet at the moment – it goes up and down but I will post to you on Tuesday whether or not you have had other replies.
In the meantime please take care of yourself.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Jds
I wish you well with all that you are going to do.
You are stronger than your father’s addiction even if you don’t feel like it because he is controlled by it but you are not, you are free to control your own life and be the person you want to be.
Your father is also capable of re-taking control of his life if he determines to face his addiction. He can change but he has to want to do so.
Thinking about you
V

[velvet]

Hi Ali
I am so glad that you have found our forum, you sound as though you need a place in which it is safe for you to vent and be understood.
A lot of what I will say to you is tough to take in when you are full of anger, even if the anger is totally understandable but if at any time you don’t understand or don’t agree I hope you will tell me and not stop posting.
Your husband didn’t ask for or want his addiction anymore than you; he could not have known, until it was too late, that gambling was not to be a pleasurable pastime for him. I have had flutters with the lottery, card games with friends and even a horse race but I am not a CG (compulsive gambler), I can walk away. The CG in my life did not have that ability, his addiction meant that he could not walk away and it destroyed his life and mine until 10 years ago. 10 years ago he took a leap of faith into learning to control his addiction and he completely changed his life – and mine in the process. I found the early days difficult. It seemed to me he had been given all the support – and I had had none, I was still reeling from all the gambling years and I felt neglected, confused and angry.
On this site we often say that if what you are doing is not working then it is time to try something different and I think you will agree that your arguing isn’t changing anything so what can be done that is different?
When a CG starts a true recovery it is far from easy and if has to be selfish. Every day is a struggle and every day there has to be an affirmation that for that day there will be no gambling even though the temptations are real and frightening. The CG has to think about his behaviour all the time and will not have the energy at the beginnng to consider those around them as they probably should. The selfishness is hard to take for those who love them because the active addiction was all about being selfish and surely it is to be expected that once recovery starts selfishness will cease. Selfishness does cease but only with time.
Your husband’s addiction only offers failure which means he will be suffering from a lack of confidence and low self-esteem. I don’t know if his sacking is connected to his addiction, or not, although I assume it is likely – but for whatever reason, a sacking will have knocked his confidence and self-esteem even further.
And all the while this is going on, you are working hard at a stressful job, trying to make sense of the senseless and grieving for your lost dreams – it’s a tough call for your relationship – but your husband will not be deliberately cutting you out, he is almost certainly still locked in with his feelings of unworthiness and fear.
I am going to leave my first post to you there Ali and await your reply. I am hoping that some of what I have said will help stem your flow of anger although anger is understandable.
I wouldn’t be writing to you Ali if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble could be controlled and fantastic lives lived as a result.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Ali

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Jds
I hope you felt better for seeing the counsellor – are you going to see him again?
I suggest you write down what you want to say to your father and also make notes about that which you don’t want to say. His addiction will not want to hear what you are saying and he will probably use all his powers of manipulation to get you to do what he wants. Be ready to say what you want to say and then end the conversation – don’t be afraid.
The reason that your father wants you to keep putting up with him is because active CGs play for time – every reprieve he gets, however small, is time he can use to gamble. When you talk to him I hope you will be able to recognise when it is his addiction that is speaking.
It is hard to say ‘no’ to a CG especially when it is your father – Twilight understands all that you have written – she also found it very, very hard to say ‘no’ to her father but it wasn’t until she did that she retook control of her life. I hope you found her posts to you comforting.
I totally agree that it is time that you got help from your family but the only person that can change your life is ‘you’.
The following words are said at the end of every GA and Gamanon meeting – Gamanon is the support group for the families of CGs and is the sister group to GA
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And Wisdom to know the difference.
Well done on the progress you are making. Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Jds
Siblings often have different reaction to the actions of the parents and it can depend on many things. Your brother has not got the same relationship with your mother and the difference in years means he will not have the same memories as you. Do what is right for ‘you’.
It is what has happened to ‘you’ that matters as far as this forum is concerned – you have suffered from living with the addiction to gamble and you don’t deserve what has happened to you.
I appreciate, as do you I think, that talking to your mother may not go as well as it should – there are barriers between you erected by tragic circumstances and secrecy – but that secrecy is hurting you and the pain is getting greater. Lack of communication can build unnecessary resentment, anger and hurt – unless the parent knows what is going on they cannot begin to try and make things right. It might be that the parent doesn’t know how to make things right but if they are in the dark they definitely can’t make things right.
I will leave it there tonight with one of my favourite quotes from- Mahatma Gandi:- ‘You may never know what results come from your actions but if you do nothing there will be no results.
I wish you well with your counsellor
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hiya Jds
I hope that you are feeling a little better having found this site.
When you have contact with your father it is important to remember that the addiction is ‘his’ and you don’t have to let it control or wreck your life. The following coping method, although not professionally recognised has helped many people, in your situation, to communicate with an active CG.
Try and imagine when you speak to your father that his addiction is a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you don’t lose your cool and threaten his addiction the beast will stay quiet but never forget that it is always awake and listening for enablement , an excuse to gamble or a chance to blame others for its existence.
Your father is controlled by the beast in the corner but you do not have to be. When you tried to get your money back the beast, which is the master of threats and manipulation, would have left the corner and come between you taking control of what was said. It would have distorted your words to him and likewise it would have spoken to you with deceit. I suspect your father felt he could not get any more money from you at the moment which is why he is temporarily silent but the addiction beast never sleeps.
If you are confused by anything you hear or read please come straight back at me. I know you are feeling very vulnerable at the moment and I want to help you to understand that there is nothing personal in your father’s misuse of your relationship. I sincerely hope that your mother is going to give you the physical support that you need.
It might be that your mother has not dealt with her own issues with your father and maybe it will be difficult to break down the wall between you but whatever happens this site is here for you to push your thoughts around in safety – at least if she is aware of how you have suffered, your mother might be more ready to support you than you think.
I hope the counselor you see will be able to direct you to possible ideas for work that you could do in your neighbourhood – maybe the CAB could help you too. You are at a crossroads and have not, as yet, managed to see a way to go but don’t ever give up looking and challenging yourself – you have had an horrible awakening to your father’s addiction but there is no need for you to allow this to define you.
I hope you found the’ F&F Cycle and ‘Siblings’ useful and that they helped you to see how and maybe why people have acted as they have around you.
Keep posting
Velvet

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