[velvet]

Hi Lala
As you have got this short reply on the forum, i am not sure what you mean.
If you have a technical problem it is best to contact our Helpline, – my IT knowledge is very limited
Hope to hear from you soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Lala
Writing that post must have been really difficult for you; you have given me such a complete picture and I understand everything you have written – well done.
I am sure that your father is still all the things you believed that he was but unfortunately at some point he has gambled for pleasure or possibly a quick return. He probably won and felt something that you and I would not feel which meant he couldn’t stop once he had started – he was addicted. With the addiction to gamble comes very unpleasant behaviour that causes great distress to those who love a CG. Your father is a fallen idol for now but I would not be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled – which is something your father is probably not ready to appreciate yet.
You have handled everything so well. You told your mother which, in my opinion, was the right thing to do because even if her reaction was to call him ‘stupid’ and say ‘how could you’ (which I agree doesn’t help), it was an understandable reaction.
You have a greater chance of being heard if you talk kindly but unfortunately your dad’s addiction will not want to listen. The following method of coping is not recommended by professionals but many of us have used it at the beginning and found it works.
Imagine your dad’s addiction like a snarling beast in the corner of his mind, always awake and ready to defend itself. When you talk to your dad, provided you don’t provoke his addiction, the beast stays quiet but as soon as it feels threatened it puffs itself up and fills his mind and does anything to protect itself. The addiction beast is the master of manipulation and threats, it lies to protect itself and it doesn’t want to hear that it can be beaten. Once it is control it fills your dad’s mind leaving no room for kindness, logic or reason and it reacts with lies and promises that mean nothing – as you so rightly say, he wants you to back off. With the ‘right’ treatment he can begin to tip the addiction out of his mind leaving room for goodness and honestly.
Talking to him gently therefore is preferable because it can confuse the beast because it would rather have argument which in turn gives it a reason to gamble.
Maybe you could download the 20-questions which you will find on the gamblers anonymous web-site. This is a way for your dad to hopefully see the damage he is causing which may help him realise that he has a recognised addition but that there is support if he wants it.
Maybe you could suggest to him that he talks to our terrific Helpline, or comes into a CG group on this site, or joins in the CG forum entitled ‘My Journal’. All these things put him in touch with CGs who are living in control of their addiction or are seriously trying to do so. He will be very welcome and he will be understood in a way that you and I cannot understand. Maybe you could find your local GA group and ask him if he would consider going to get support for himself.
Your question ‘will making him feel bad make him worse?’ is an excellent one. Your father will already be feeling worthless and a failure because as a CG, he will always, ultimately, lose the gamble causing his lack of self-esteem to grow. I hope that having read about the beast you will be able to make up your own mind on this..
Even if they don’t realise it, your parents are very fortunate to have a daughter like you and it is important that you look after yourself. Look after your baby, keep up with your friends and your hobbies, talk to your boyfriend about your concerns, keep posting here – do everything and anything that keeps you secure and safe. In his addictive state your dad will not appreciate what you are doing but if he controls his addiction he will know where the strength lay and be proud.
I have written more than I meant to – keep posting, I will be here for you.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Lala

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Đối với Twh

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For Twh

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Għal Twh

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För Twh

[velvet]

Twh . के लिए

[velvet]

Για το Twh

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Para Twh

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Pour Twh

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For Twh

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Dėl Twh

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Para Twh

[velvet]

Hi Twh
Welcome from me to GT, your story was not long so it was easy to reach the end – well done writing it.
Giving cash to a CG (compulsive gambler) is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic so I am interested in why your boyfriend’s father gives him $20 a day because this is definitely not a mere amount to give to an active gambler.
It is a shame that your boyfriend’s supervisor enabled your boyfriend’s addiction when he ‘lent’ him money to cover gambling debts. The addiction to gamble is demanding and this action, which you deemed ‘kind’ was sadly nothing of the kind. I sincerely hope he gets all his money back because CGs need to gamble and repayment of debts is always something that is resented because it gets in the way of further gambling.
I am concerned that you lent his family money and suggest to you that lending money is often a mistake. It was obviously a caring act that meant you lent this money which tells me you are a very caring person and ‘caring’ is a quality that CGs value in their loved ones. I am really glad to read that your boyfriend has never asked you for money and I hope this means you have never lent him, or given him, any either.
I understand why you forgive your boyfriend but I am afraid forgiveness is the last thing he needs. As an active CG he will always be poor; his addiction means he will always lose unless and until he seeks treatment, so he will always be chasing his debts and owing more and more. The addiction to gamble gets worse, never better, without treatment. His apologies and tears count for nothing unless he seeks real help. Don’t allow yourself to be immune to the pain, it is the pain that will keep you on your toes and help you make the informed decisions that are right for you.
It is important for you to understand that you cannot save your boyfriend. This is no reflection on you; it is true or everybody who loves a CG. Only the CG can save himself and he has to want to do so. The person you should be considering most is yourself – I think it is very important that you learn as much as possible about the addiction to gamble because knowledge will give you power over it.
Compulsive gambling has nothing to do with money, it is all about the ‘gamble’ and to help you understand a little more, I have brought up my thread entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’.
I hope you have a supportive family and friends. It is important that you keep your friends, your interests and your hobbies and that you don’t lost yourself in his addictive world.
I think you are right when you wonder if your future will be happy – it is very mature of you to realise that your happiness is threatened by this addiction.
I suggest you keep posting here and reading other threads. I wouldn’t be writing to you now if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled but it takes tremendous courage and determination on the part of the CG. There has to be tremendous understanding and courage from those who love them too if a relationship is to have any hope of success.
Speak soon
Velvet

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