[velvet]

Dear Hope
I hope you do get into the group tonight; it would be good to talk in real time when it is easier to be completely frank.
Unfortunately although the GM programme is fantastic and works for so many there will always be some that just do not listen either because they don’t want to do so or they are not ready yet.
I suspect there are a lot of egg-shells being walked on in your home which isn’t good for you or your husband and doesn’t help your son either. I assume that you are both very frightened by the way events have turned out but your son is not frightened, he is allowing his addiction to control him and distance him from responsibility. I would imagine you are talking over and over again about ways to help you son whereas he appears to be only concerned with no 1, oblivious to your concerns because they don’t suit him and not bothering about how to help himself
I believe the way forward for you is to be selfish about yourselves which I know will not come naturally but the alternative is that you keep putting his interests first while his addiction flourishes.
Your son can contact the GMA – they don’t wash their hands of residents when the programme is over – they want them to live gamble-free lives and to have self-esteem. In my opinion, I think you should tell him that there is no more money available. I understand why you want to provide with enough food to sustain him but cash when he is active is an absolute ‘no’ whatever the reason given.
I don’t think you will have gone back to the start; you are so much more aware now. I agree, wholeheartedly, that it is dreadful that you are in this position again but your son can get himself together more quickly than before because he has the tools, he has support from GMA, the GT Helpline, our CG groups and a terrific mum and dad who want to support him in the right way.
You are both stronger than your son’s addiction; you do not have to be controlled by it. Talk to each other and plan your defence and strategy so that you are united and he can see your unity, his addiction will do far more damage if it sees a chink in the armour or a division in the ranks.
Your husband may feel he is not protecting his wife when he should be defending her from being hurt. Your son may feel inadequate compared to his father. You may feel you have to defend the son, the child, in his father’s eyes. I am not saying that any of these relate to you but they are some of the things that cause families to act in a certain way and allow the addiction space to grow. I believe that unity is paramount – your son’s addiction needs to see a barrier so strong he cannot break it down.
This is not a time for either of you to feel bad; this is a time for you to enjoy your lives. You know I can’t tell you what to do and there is no crystal ball to tell me how long your son will hang on to his addiction but what I do know is that the only word the addiction should hear from you is ’no’.
Finally never give up hope – I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t know that your son can control his addiction.
I hope we get to speak later
V

[velvet]

<

Hello SMR

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Bono
I can’t write much tonight but I will get a post out to you tomorrow afternoon before the evening F&F group.
Is he still in contact with Gordon House? Does he use the resident’s group?
What is the main issue that you think he isn’t dealing with?
It would be good if you could come into the F&F group between 20.-00 – 21.00 hours UK time where we could communicate in real time. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum which means we can be completely open.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Hope
I read you post and I want you to know that I have understood everything you have said and I will reply but I want to give your concerns a lot of thought first.
I have a funeral to attend tomorrow at lunch time but between that and the evening group I write to you.
Just quick initial thoughts: – Gaining knowledge of the addiction to gamble gives F&F control over it and the same applies to CGs but of course knowledge can be abused. You write ‘Despite this he is still asking for money to go out with his colleagues stating its important for his self esteem’ which is manipulation and I can imagine how you feel when you hear it. Stand united with your husband on this, these words are carefully designed to make any parent suffer – he knows you would never want him to lack self-esteem. Giving him money, however, to go out and socialize will not give him self-esteem, controlling his behaviour will do that,
Please tell your husband not to feel bad that his son is choosing to not communicate with him, it isn’t his fault. Your son is being divisive and knows what he is doing.
It is time to take the gloves off – I will write to you tomorrow but in the meantime please know you are not alone.
V

[velvet]

<

Hello Hope

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

<

Hello Bono1

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi TS
Your husband’s actions are unacceptable and I fully appreciate your anger and pain.
With rehab and GA behind him I suspect will feel the effects of this fall very heavily and although it feels like it is the old behaviour all over again it might not be so. Slips are not necessarily the return to old behaviour, they can frighten the CG so much it strengthens the resolve to live decently and gamble-free.
Please don’t think I am trying to say roll over, forgive and forget because I am not.
Have you had good times together in the last year or has it been difficult for you? Did you have support for you when he was in rehab and since he came home? Did you know what to expect from him and did you like the change in him when he entered recovery?
Early recoveries are tough for both the CG and F&F. CGs change when they enter recovery and the changes are not always the ones that those who love them like. This is nobody’s fault but lack of support leaves loved ones in the dark about what is going on.
I will leave this for now as it is late but I will write to you again tomorrow. I do not believe you should have to go through this again and again but I hope you can find the strength to listen to your husband when he returns because hopefully you will not hear the same as you have heard before. He can seek support from where he was in rehab; he can talk to our Helpline where he will be understood; he can, if he wants to enough, live a true gamble-free life. He sounds as though there are many things he should be discussing with those who can help him. Only you can know if this is really the end of the line for you. Only you know whether or not this is the man with whom you would walk the extra mile – provided he really embraces a true recovery.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Tired Spouse
I am not surprised you are tired and frustrated; anybody reading your first post would feel the same.
How has your husband managed his gamble-free year, did he go to GA, did he come on this site, did he go into rehab or did he think he didn’t need support and go it alone?
I appreciate his words to you today are cruel but they are the words of an active CG going off to indulge an addiction that he has allowed back in control – he wan’t going to be deterred from the gamble and he used the nastiest words to get you to back off and not get in his way. I think you have a lot of understanding of his addiction when you recognise that he has planned this relapse and that you don’t think this is on the spur of the moment. What, if anything, do you think triggered this unacceptable behaviour?
I am going to leave my first reply to you there TS and await your reply. I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled but I do believe that controlling it takes a great determination and that the right support is given and accepted.
Are your children aware that their father has a problem, how old are they?
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

HelloTired Spouse

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Shelly,
Thanks for your update which has helped me appreciate your strength of mind.
I can hear in your post that you are not only serious but that you have made an informed decision which means it is almost certainly the right one for you.
Not all relationships have the outcome that is wanted and sometimes there is, I believe, no healthy choice but to separate.
Having made your decision, I suspect your husband heard the strength in your voice and words and he is probably indulging his addiction for his answer – if he is, it is not your fault.
Early recoveries are often difficult for F&F so please keep posting.
I hope this will be the catalyst for him but whatever happens, I wish you both well.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hope this helps Lala

[velvet]

Hi Lala
I cannot ‘know’ what your mom and sister mean when they tell you not to talk to others about your concerns but what I can tell you is that a family will often keep the addiction secret due to a feeling of shame. This belief is, in my view, completely mistaken because there is no reason for shame – the addiction is not your family’s fault and that includes you father.
I know that when I lived with the addiction and kept its secret for years I assisted it which allowed it to flourish – I protected it and I was wrong.
I believe that the relationship between you and your boyfriend is important for you and I fail to see the reasoning behind telling you not to talk to him in case he uses it against you.
In all families faced with this dilemma Lala, each member deals with their own pain and divisions can, and sadly do, occur – different people have different levels of understanding, each seeing the problem as to how it affects them and their relationship with the CG. I think you have summed up the differences between you and your sister well – she is reluctant to find out because she doesn’t want to face what you are telling her and yet she feels able to tell you what to do. I think it is important, however, that you keep your good relationship with your sister so maybe it is best not to try and force her to accept truths she doesn’t want to see – none of us can save other people, we can only save ourselves. I have brought my thread entitled ‘Siblings’ up for you which I hope will help you.
I believe that the more you know the better you will cope because if your father is a CG (and he certainly appears to be) then putting your head in the sand and hoping it will go away is unrealistic.
How much does your mom know and how is her health? If your father is gambling all their joint savings then I would have thought she deserves to know so that she can try and protect herself before he has squandered everything.
Keep posting Lala, I hope it helps you to write your thoughts and worries – I often recommend keeping a journal when living with this addiction and this thread will act as that journal. One day, hopefully, you will look back and see how far you have come because your recovery matters here.
V

[velvet]

Hi Shelly
I am not sure what reaction you wanted from your husband. Most CGs react badly to ultimatums – if you want to talk to him about separating it is important that you know what you really want as an outcome.
His disappearance probably means he is on a gambling binge which would be a common reaction for a CG to something as final as a legal separation.
Please keep posting and tell me what it is that ‘you’ really want.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Deb
Please start your own thread so that members can post to you. It is not possible to give you the support that you deserve on another member’s thread and GT aim’s to give individual, unique support to each and every member.
I hope you will post soon
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Asumila

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[Author]

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