[velvet]

Hi Hope
I’m so please that WM has posted to you, it is so good to hear more than one voice saying the same thing, which is the beauty of Gamanon too. This forum is always availalble and you can post anytime and be heard which is one of our best features – Gamanon is usually once a week and it can be frustrating to wait for the meetings but they can be so worthwhile because you can touch a hand or exchange a smile. Obviously they are made up of different people and one group might not be a good as, or maybe better, than another but I found my salvation in Gamanon. Take all the support you can. Nobody will understand where you are at the moment any better.
What I liked most about WM’s post is her strength but also her acceptance. This is a terrible addiction but thinking that it is possible to sort it all out in a twinkling of an eye doesn’t help. Accepting that this probably will take a long time is better than having expectations crushed over and over by another disappointment – (and I am really not suggesting a further 13 years!)
I am sure you have read my ‘addiction beast’ analogy before but just in case you haven’t , here it is again. Whenever you approach your son to try and talk to him it will probably always be the wrong time. He is too tired, his girlfriend is waiting; he’s just come in from work or not washed his hands or he has somewhere else to be – anything to keep you waiting will his addiction sharpens its claws and prepares for battle because it knows you want to talk and he doesn’t want to listen. His addiction lies in the corner of the room, like a slavering beast, watching and waiting for you to make a mistake and question its existence. It feigns sleep, boredom, disinterest because it wants to be ready for anything you say – any issues that you want to raise. When you asked about any strategies he had in place for when he gets paid the beast was immediately between you and spitting – ‘how dare you question me – back off or you will be the worse for wear’.
Of course you were not baiting him; you were trying to speak to him logically and with reason but his addiction recognise neither of these.
You know I can’t tell you what to do but I want you to think about what you want. What will you do when he squanders all his pay next week because it seems to me he will almost definitely do just that? Hoping for something different is not good for you, working out what matters to you and what you want is positive action for you. Is he paying you for his keep? If not and there is nothing forthcoming, what do you intend to do?
Suicide threats are terrifying Hope – they are meant to be. Standing up to someone you love who is threatening you with such an action is unbelievable difficult but what I hear in your posts is someone who can threaten his mother but demand his girlfriend is protected – to her he is Mr Nice Guy, so you know Mr Nice Guy exists. He wants enablement from both of you but he believes he can hurt you at will and you will buckle. He is soft soaping his girlfriend into giving him goodness knows what, but sadly you cannot save her.
My CG said to me that his addiction would have taken me all the way down with him which is why looking after yourself is the most important thing you can do.
Quoting from WM again “Once you get into the practice of not being drawn into or engaging with the nonsense it’s amazing how quickly it subsides.

Your sons recovery from addiction lies completely in his hands but how you react and the boundaries you set lie completely in yours”.
Whatever you decide Hope there will be no judgment here but please keep posting – I believe you need support and somewhere to vent.
I am away for the weekend but my thought s are with you. It is ok to say you don’t like your son, it is understandable to think you never will but I’m here to say your son has lost his way but he is still there and he can and will change – and WM is here to say she is still searching too but is not giving up.
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Hope
I can hear your son’s active addiction in everything you have written and I think you are probably right that he has heard the words of recovery but he doesn’t want to take heed of the message – yet.
I’m not going to write anymore tonight as it is late and your post deserves to have a lot of thought given to it but I will write again tomorrow.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Kristy
Well done starting your thread.
I have read the information from the link you have put in your post and it seems to me that Edgewood are offering a good service but is your husband/partner going because he wants to control his addiction or because you are insisting he goes? GGs (compulsive gamblers) have to want to change their lives if treatment is to be successful.
You can’t make him stop gambling Kristy, only he can do that but if he willingly embraces the treatment hopefully he will be the man that he wants to be.
Keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Kristy

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

<

Hello Debtfree and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

<

Hello Jagger and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi ZB
A CG (compulsive gambler) who has therapy treatment and learns to control his/her addiction will change and sometimes those around them struggle with the change that occurs. Recovery for a CG has to be, to a large extent very selfish because controlling the addiction is incredibly difficult and they need to put their mind and soul into it. They can be withdrawn, suspicious of loved ones, unable to settle. They can be more serious, less able to be the life and soul of the party because they are watching their own behaviour all the time.
How long it is since your husband came home from treatment, have you had support during his treatment, what did you expect from him on his return?
If the expectation is that recovery is instantly complete following treatment then those who love the CG will struggle because a true recovery takes time
I will wait to hear from you again before I write any further but early recovery is a difficult time for everybody and it is very important that you look after yourself too.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello zb

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Lala
Your last post was so much more upbeat, well done.
I think it is shame that you feel you are to be the bad guy. You have realised that your sister is happy to put her head in the sand and you have suggested that your mother is likely to feed your father’s addiction. What are you intending to do that will stir them up? Unfortunately the cycle you have detected whereby you tell your sister and she berates him will not change anything.
I don’t think it is a good idea to have your father come and live with you – being a distance from an addiction is a lot easier than living with it in your home 24 hours a day.
Did you manage to give him the GA 20 questions? Have you had a chance to point him to GA or the helpline and support groups on this site?
It would be good to get an update.
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Hope
I have just read your last post having written a long one to answer your penultimate post. Most of what I have written therefore, doesn’t deal with your latest post which seems a little more upbeat.
The problem with the site is that recent posts are the ones that are more likely to offer little or no hope because those who have found their way, either with or without their CG, move on and the last thing they want to do is dwell in this site.
Moving with or without their CG is, of course, more to do with spouses and partners whereas parents and children do not have those outcomes as options – whatever happens your son will always be your son just as a child will always have that parent no matter what or how good the relationship is.
One of the things I learned when my CG eventually was able to talk to me reasonably was that a CG will always find a way; we worry about where they will sleep and what they will eat but they never worry and somehow they survive. Your son is 26 and he will have a future whether you worry yourself into the ground or not. What his future will be is down to him but I fully appreciate you want to help him get a better future.
I know I cannot tell you what to do but writing to an active CG is a bit of a mine-field. I wrote such a letter full of hope and love and no recrimination. When my CG eventually entered recovery he told me that my letter had been read an hundred ways, and each time he saw it as judgemental. He told me he screwed it up, threw it away, retrieved it, read it, screwed it up etc. He said that after a while it was wet and torn and illegible but he could still decipher that I was disappointed. He believed himself to be a disappointment and worthless so that is what he perceived my words to mean. However bearing all this in mind, if you still want to write to your son please keep the message very, very short.
I believe you have a lovely family but sadly your son feels outside and it is absolutely nothing to do with anything you have done. When he gambled something changed within him. Neither you nor he, had any control over what happened; you could not have foreseen it and you could not have stopped it. Invisibly it built within him and it wasn’t until it altered his behaviour that anybody would have noticed anything untoward, by which time his addiction would have been in control of him.
I believe that the life experiences you have given to your son will make a difference in the end. I have now seen that a lot of what surrounded my CG when he was growing up is now visible in his life, not only is he using the skills he was given in GMA to control his addiction, he has added to them and is creating similar experiences such as the ones you have shared with your family.
I am fully aware of how desperate you feel and what you want. I suggest your son doesn’t get too many comforts in your home but I do believe it is best not to be confrontational because it doesn’t work and you get hurt.
Positives are hard when your son is behaving like an adolescent but they are always better than negatives. When he wants for something he will talk and maybe you could then tell him how good life was when he was controlling his addiction. His gamble-free time does count so let him know it was a happy time for you all, remind him of a time you laughed or you did something that you enjoyed – concentrate on those gamble-free months, even if they were not perfect, let him know what they meant to you and tell him that you know they can come again only better – it is probably best not to mention what he has to do to get the better times – he already knows.
I hope some of this helps. I really hope to be able to talk to you in the private group on Tuesday but until then keep posting and make sure you do something today that makes you happy, give your mind time every day when your son and his problems are not swirling around.
If someone had said to me after 8 years that I had another 17 years to go, the men in the little white coats would have carted me off, I would not have coped. I didn’t know what it was that was causing all the damage and I was side-tracked by counsellors and doctors who didn’t understand so I couldn’t protect myself or make informed decisions. When I knew after 23 years that it was gambling, I was able to start putting strategies into place that formed the basis or my recovery without it being dependent on him.
Counsellors who have not dealt with CGing can often come up with labels such as autism, bi-polar, etc, but for me they can be distractions that take the focus off the real problem. If your son wants more support than it should be dedicated addiction counselling.
Your son can certainly approach GMA and ask them for further support, all such decisions are obviously down to them. We have an ex-residents group on Monday evenings where he would be most welcome. GMA and GT do not give up lightly so never lost hope.

V

[velvet]

Hi Hope
It is common to feel weak and afraid when fighting the addiction to gamble. To win, the family must seem, in the eyes of the CG, to be the enemy and that is tough for any parent, child, spouse, loved one.
It doesn’t surprise me that your son is intelligent because the addiction to gamble is owned by people in every walk of life. However, it is important to know that he can control his addiction so hang on to that belief when everything seems hopeless.
You do sound strong and that s what matters – I know you are stronger than you feel.
V

[velvet]

Hi Hope
I hear you are trying to get in the group but for reason can’t connect.
The only time I have heard of people not connecting before is that they haven’t logged in – I did it once and the green light wouldn’t come on

V

[velvet]

Hi Bono
I am sorry, I am out of time.
I hope we will ‘meet’ shortly in the group but if not I hope you will post again soon.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Shelly
I suspect he is not talking to you because he doesn’t know what to do and/or he doesn’t want to talk about separation and controlling his addiction.
Maybe you could tell him that you are taking his addiction seriously and you have sought support for you and that support informs you that he is unlikely to be able to control his addiction on his own and why try when there is so much willing help available.
This site offers anonymity; he can access support from our helpline, our CG groups and out CG forum and nobody will ever know who he is.
I can still hear the strength of your conviction that you cannot live this way and I am hoping that he can hear it too.
Keep going Shelly, you are doing well.

[velvet]

Hi TW
When you don’t know what to do, I believe, it is best to stand still, charge your batteries, learn about the thing that worries you, get support and then make an informed decision.
You have made a great start towards your recovery, you have sought support where you will learn about your husband’s addiction and how to cope – and you have already found out you are not alone, so well done.
Unfortunately promises count for little with an active addiction, it isn’t that the CG (compulsive gambler) doesn’t hope to mean what he/she says, it is that the goodwill disappears when the addiction is triggered again.
I have a group starting in 30 mins or I would have a lot more to say. Maybe we will get to talk in the group, you will be very welcome. If not I will write to you again soon.
Velvet

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