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Para Stacey

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Pour Stacey

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Dėl Stacey

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For Stacey

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Para Stacey

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Dear Hope
I wish I could believe you would get them back on pay day but he is sadly following a recognisable pattern of behaviour that appears to be getting worse, even down to the supposed chest pains when challenged. Sadly if your possessions are returned from the pawn shop they will probably disappear again. I can’t tell you to put a lock on your lounge door but if you want to protect things that matter to you maybe it is the only way.
I can’t tell you that ‘a’, ‘b’, or ‘c’ will work because there is no crystal ball but a united front from his whole family is important with everybody understanding that enablement will only keeps his addiction alive. Now that your son has stolen from you it is very important to protect your finances and possessions or you could lose things of importance and sentiment that you will never see again. I know how tough it is, I know it is hard to see the boy you love destroying his life. I believe the boy with the beautiful soul is still there but he is consumed by an ugly addiction at the moment and every time he achieves something that provides him with money to gamble, be it stealing or pleading, the ugliness will grow. It is so important therefore to say ‘no’ to his addiction and mean it.
I suggest you don’t waste your breath trying to reason with him but maybe stick to telling him that you feel you can only support him when he seeks help.
You are stronger than you son’s addiction however much you feel that you are struggling. Looking after yourself and staying in control of your life is essential for your health and ultimately it is the best thing you can do for your son.
Speak soon and never never give up hope.
Velvet

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Hi Hope
I have read your post a few times and I am writing to tell you that I am giving it a lot of thought before I reply as I want to get things as right as I can for you.
I promise you that you are not going crazy.
Velvet

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Hi Jenny
I have read and understood you post, I knew you didn’t mean “I am not ready to have no contact with my ex” – ‘not’ and ‘now’ are the words I worry about muddling up more than any others!
Now you have said you intend to stop all contact between you and your ex who appears to be actively gambling I can tell you that I agree with you that it is, I believe, the best way forward for you.
Write a note to self:- ‘when tempted to buckle re-read my posts -’ I think you will find in those posts all you need to remember to keep you safe and they were written by you.
We will speak again soon
V

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Hi Jenny
I only had enough time to read your post before the group and I wanted to get something off to you quickly just in case the Brownies overran so I hadn’t read the post written prior to mine until now. I am not sure why there is a reference to me with regard to this post’s content but having now read it I am in agreement with it although I believe that the addiction to gamble is cunning rather than clever.
You have experienced so many let-downs that I am sure you will soon be in no doubt as to what you should avoid but I know it is easy to forget and be befuddled. The desire to want to believe that a person is good tends to make fools of us all – I think too that we can naively believe that by being generous in spirit we will help our CG see how much better it is to be kind but the active CG perceives kindness as a chink in the armour, an opening for enablement. Only you can stop this roller-coaster Jenny – even if he changes his life, you can make your own decisions and determine the way it is going to be.
You know the right thing to do but of course the hard bit is doing it and that is why this forum is here, to support you while you are making painful decisions that are right for you and your children.
I am glad that you are posting again and I hope the Brownies will allow you to come to more groups.
Don’t beat yourself up – you tried again and you got kicked in the teeth – it’s a learning curve but you will get there.
V

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<

Hello Patty and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

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Hi Hope
I’m sorry you missed it too but I’m not surprised you chose a pizza and Bridget Jones – I would have done the same and you did exactly what you should be doing – you looked after you.
I hope you will feel the benefit of having time with your daughter and enjoying happier pursuits, it makes the other stuff easier to cope with.
Stay strong over any money requests – you can do it.
Methinks I must see Bridget Jones!
Velvet

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Hi Jenny
Nobody could judge you for wanting to believe in the person you loved once Jenny – if it was easy there would be no need for this forum.
It is the behaviour that accompanies the gambling that hurts those who love CGs and your ex’s compulsive gambling behaviour is still too near the surface making it too easy for it to bubble up.
It appears to me that maybe he does want to control his addiction but abstinence alone is not recovery.
I am not surprised you wanted someone to support you when you sister-in-law died as well as your lovely wee doggie – at such times many of us turn to shoulders that maybe are not the best ones.
I’m going to stop there because it is time for me to open the group but I hope to write more to you tomorrow – I just wanted to get a quick post off to you.
Velvet

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Hi Si
Apart from the official welcome I wanted to say how pleased I am that you have been re-accepted by GMA.
You have had a lot of trauma to deal with in the last 3 years and I know you will get the support that is right for you and which will help you cope.
I am part of the GT team because I know the addiction to gamble can be controlled. My CG went through the Gordon house programme many years ago and now lives in control of his addiction – as a result of this experience I know how difficult it is to live the gamble-free life when the going gets tough but I know that determination wins the gamble-free day and every gamble-free day is wonderful – not only for you but for those who care about you.
Between now and the date you enter GMA, I suggest that you dig out the tools that are still in your memory bank (even if they feel a little, or a lot, rusty) for controlling your addiction – I know they work if you want them to. The more gamble-free time you clock up between now and going to GMA the stronger your determination will be to control your life regardless of the tough times.
I hope to read more of your progress in the not too distant future but in the meantime I wish you well.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Si and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Hope
When you see him tonight don’t mention money but ask him about his day. If he bangs on about not having any funds then I suggest you just smile and say that it is not your problem and carry on busying yourself – once you get involved in a discussion on money it is incredibly difficult not to be manipulated.
It is not set in stone that he will do the same at the end of the month – one day I truly believe he will launch into a decent recovery – the sooner that he is not assisted financially the sooner he will have to change his ways.
In my opinion fathers feel differently from mothers when their sons are addicted to gambling. I think they struggle with unnecessary guilt thinking perhaps they should have protected their wives better (we are the weaker sex after all!). They often doubt their input into the child’s upbringing thinking that maybe if they had done this or that it would have been different – and of course they miss the father/son relationship that they hoped for. No amount of ‘maybes’ ‘what ifs’, ‘if onlys’ would have made a scrap of difference however. Unfortunately it is only in a true recovery that CGs are able to appreciate those around them and hopefully when you son reaches that point he will be able to reassure you that there was nothing that you did that triggered his addiction.
I suggest you set side time with your husband when you do something that pleases you both and doesn’t remotely include gambling or even the ‘g’ word.
I am glad we will ‘speak’ later
Velvet

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