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Hi ivy
I am glad you are protected financially as it is one less worry for you although I know the overall problem is far worse.
Your husband is certainly not making it any easier for himself asking you about football when you have told him to leave, it seems he is fairly deep in denial of what he is doing. He does sounds as though he needs good counselling if he is to change.
Is this the first time he has sought help and if so what sort of help is he seeking?
Of course I am sad that you feel that this is too late to save your marriage but I am more than aware that we all have limits – do you feel the same today?
Now that you are back on the forum I hope you will keep posting because this is obviously a very stressful time for you and I hope that by having people to talk to is will help you make the decision that is right for you.
Velvet

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Hello Ivy

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Lost (and now Found)
I am so pleased you have found yourself and that you are happy with who you are.
Thank you for returning to update, most of our members move on and don’t want to return to these pages which is completely understandable but it is always good to get an update.
There are many outcomes and not all are the ones that were hoped and dreamed about but I believe that nearly all F&F members do move on with greater hope for themselves and that is what this forum is all about.
I wish you and your wee boy well as you go forward. Use the bitter experience of living with the addiction to gamble as a reference only, as an education to improve your life and nothing will be wasted.

Velvet

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Hi Cliff
I don’t think it helps to think that anybody is worse than anybody else when it comes to the addiction to gamble – the pain of the addiction is the same for all F&F even if our way of handling it differs.
Please start you won thread to that you can get the individual support that your deserve as each member is unique.
Velvet

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Hi Stacey
I recognise all the different behaviours that you are describing – if there were no good times it would probably be a lot easier to make decisions.
I often use the following as a way of coping with the different facets of a CG, it isn’t professionally recognised but it has worked for so many that I believe it is worth hearing. If you can imagine your partner’s addition as a slavering beast chained in the corner of the room ready to strike when provoked it possibly will make it easier to talk to him during the good times. When you speak to him, I believe, it is good to be aware that his addiction is always poised and ready to strike but as long as you stay calm and don’t prod the beast it will stay in corner.
Of course it is hard to live with a CG (compulsive gambler) without having arguments because the addiction beast is an expert at creating arguments which give it an excuse to gamble. When you seek to talk to your partner about his behaviour, logic and reason fly out of the window while the addiction beast leaps between you and distorts your meaning, changing it to fit your partner’s personal perception. You are not the master of threats and nor do you want to be but your partner’s addictive beast is. It needs to blame others for its existence because the alternative is to accept responsibility for poor behaviour which is seemingly an insurmountable thing for him to face.
Your partner’s addition will have given him constant feelings of failure because he will always lose when he gambles, that is the nature of the beast. Feeling a failure every day leads to lack of self-confidence and no self-esteem – worthlessness. Your partner’s reaction to all this is to fight back with the only tools he has at present – manipulation, blame, lies and deceit but with the right support your partner can be given the tools to control his addiction, he can rebuild his confidence and self-esteem but he has to want to do so.
In my opinion it is almost impossible to get past the addiction beast by worrying and trying to push the conversation towards discussions on honesty and recovery. I believe that it is better to stand back and listen to the CG rather than to get involved in arguments. The CGs response to provocation is probably to gamble while the loved one’s response is sleepless nights, 24 hour-a-day worry and unnecessary feelings of inadequacy.
The way this works is that by stepping back it is easier to stay out of the argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. When you begin to try and put your side the addiction beast has something to get its teeth into.
This might sound negative but what the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you. With this addition, the way to win is not to play the game.
I am going to leave this here and await your thoughts. You are doing well with our posts.
Velvet

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Hi S
I am glad that you have found this site and I hope you will find strength in the replies as you gain knowledge to help you cope.
Mothers are meant to be role models but sadly when they are unable to fulfil this important role, for any reason, the roles are often reversed and the child takes on a heavy burden. You are not responsible, however, for your mother’s addiction, only she can stop herself gambling but there are things you can do to protect yourself which ultimately supports your mother too.
Does she live with you? Does she say she wants to stop gambling?
You have recognised that by paying her debts she is only going on to accumulate more – a CG (compulsive gambler) will see a slate being wiped clean as an opportunity to indulge their addiction further. My CG told me when he finally entered a true recovery that as long as I enabled him he could see no reason to make the effort to face his demons.
You say that you walk in on her many times throughout a day only to find her gambling online implying she is either bored or lonely or both. Does she have any other interests or hobbies that she could be stimulated into enjoying – has she got anybody willing to accompany her? I am not suggesting that it is you that gives up your time because I suspect you spend enough time worrying about her,
Perhaps you could look at the Gordon Moody Association residential programme which is available for CGs and has a terrific success rate. Details can be found seven forums below the F&F forum and information is available from our Helpline.
The most important thing that you and your sister can do is to put yourselves first. Your mother has a selfish addiction and while she is putting herself first she is not giving you the support that you deserve. She is wrapped up in her world of addiction and is leaving you to worry about the mess her poor behaviour creates. Taking a backward step is hard, especially when you have been sorting out her problems for so long but to control her addiction it is important that she takes responsibility for her actions.
I will leave this first post there and await your reply but please keep posting and hopefully you will gain the knowledge to help you cope.
Well done starting your thread, I know it isn’t easy to talk about a loved one with an addiction but being open and seeking support is the right thing to do especially when your mother’s addiction craves secrecy so that it can flourish.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Stacey
It’s late so this will be a quick reply. I just wanted to tell you that I read you post so that you know you are being heard. I am glad that you know you can use this forum as a place to unburden.
Do you have happy times with your partner or are they outweighed by the unbearable behaviour.
I hope to get a fuller post off to you tomorrow and hopefully suggest ideas to help you cope better but for tonight I just want you to know that I’m thinking about you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Stacey
I understand everything you have written, so many F&F give up talking to family and friends because of the feeling that people get fed up with hearing the same old complaints that inevitably comes with this addiction, hopefully writing here will give you an outlet for ‘your’ feelings and this forum doesn’t stop listening.
It would be great if you could join me in the F&F group later tonight 20.00-21.00 hours UK time, you will be very welcome, nothing said in that group appears on the forum.
Does your partner say that he wants to control his addiction or is he blithely indulging it without appearing to realise the damage he is causing to his family?
If he wants to stop or if he has tried to stop and failed, so far, there is a lot of support for him, not least the GMA (Gordon Moody Association, our Helpline here, or our ‘CG only’ groups and GA.
I found your post very mature in that you have recognised the problem, you have realised the danger inherent in leaving him alone while you are at work, you know that he is not hurting you deliberately but you are seeking to help him recover, however I don’t hear you thinking you can save him. The only person you can save is you and the only person who can save your partner is your partner – you can certainly support him seek his recovery however and CGs who are supported are more likely to succeed.
CGs are not necessarily honest in their counselling and dedicated addiction counselors and therapists are aware of this. If your partner was seeing a general counselor it is possible that your partner was able to tie him/her up in knots because of the manipulative nature of the addiction. I know (because he subsequently told me) that my CG lied and blamed me for the first 3 months of his counselling but at the end of his treatment he was taking control of his addiction. GA (gamblers anonymous) works because most CGs who attend want to control their addiction but they also recognise when they are getting BS from other members.
I will leave this post here for now but keep posting because threads become like journals which give you the ability to look back and see how far you have come and you will progress because you want to do so.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Stacey
Not only is it not selfish for you to put yourself first, in this forum it is the right thing for you to do and I am glad that you have found us.
Have ‘you’ ever sought support from counselors or Gamanon, or has it always been about your partner? Do you have family and friends to support you or are you carrying this all on your own shoulders?

You are important Stacey, you cannot stop your partner gambling but by looking after you first and gaining knowledge about his addiction you will learn to cope and retake control of ‘your’ life.
Have you given up hobbies and interests because of the time you have spent worrying about your partner’s addiction? Doing something for yourself everyday in which you shove thoughts of gambling firmly to the back of your mind will help you cope better – 24 hours of worrying about someone else and what they are doing is soul-destroying and it doesn’t help you or your CG (compulsive gambler)
I have brought up my thread entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’ which I hope will help you to see that you are understood here.
I am away this weekend Stacey,I will post to you again on Monday but in the meantime I hope you will get other replies.
Speak soon, well done starting your thread
Velvet

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