[velvet]

Hello Shane and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

<

Hello Annie

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

[velvet]

Hello Sarah and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Jenny
You are showing tremendous strength in the decisions that you are making and I suspect you are on the top of the mountain although maybe still puffing with your exertions. Dig deep and enjoy the view but beware of those surprising little side-winds that can catch you unawares.
I could only support you and make suggestions but I couldn’t tell you what to do, or tell you that if you ‘did this it would definitely work’ or ‘don’t do this because it will hurt less’. You have done the work and you should be proud of yourself, as you ex-husband hopefully will be in the future when he recognises the strength it took for you to refuse his addiction.
I understand what you are saying about the courts – I agree that they are a last resort if closure cannot be reached any other way to secure your daughter’s safety.
I believe that learning to live one day at a time is one of the big lessons F&F should take out of living with the addiction to gamble. Worrying about what will happen if we ‘this or that’ can stop us making decisions that are right for us. All the ‘ifs and buts’ I had about tomorrow, are long gone, swallowed up in hundreds of tomorrows and they didn’t make a scrap of difference, they only made me exhausted and unhappy..
You ex is missing out but that is not your problem. He knows what to do if he wants to be a father to his daughter and a friend to you – the time when this could happen lies in his hands and his hands alone. Sadly it is your daughter that will feel the loss more keenly than her father because it is not in her control to change the way things are, which makes your role all the more important but with the strength that you are showing I believe you will do really well.
Your text was great. You said ‘no’ but then you tempered it with ‘I can’t give you access at this time’. It was very strong message but it didn’t signal finality, you offered him hope for the future and now it is down to him.
I am pleased you found the reason for your ex to invent his police chase story but moreover that you recognised it for his addiction talking and not a personal attack on you. Of course it is unjust but I suspect the friend and his mother, whom he conned, will not be so keen to enable him in the future.
When my marriage ended, many years ago, I remember my father saying ‘don’t let bitterness ruin your life’ and I have always made sure that I carried out his wish. Bitterness is soul-destroying, it wrecks the person who feels it and not the situation that caused it. It is to be avoided at all costs because quite apart from anyything else it gives you unattractive furrows in the brow, a down-turned mouth and wrinkles where you don’t want them.
Listening to you is easy Jenny, it is you that has the hard work of rebuilding the damage caused by your experience with your ex but you are doing really well and your children have cause to be very proud of you. He can’t seen it yet but I hope one day your ex will realise how lucky he is to have had you in his life – you haven’t abandoned him but you have supported him in a way that if and when he chooses to live gamble-free will help him to be the man he wants to be. You can do no more.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Stacey
I don’t find it strange that you feel that one day somebody else will reap the benefit of the 7 years you have suffered trying to support a CG into turning his life around but you haven’t got to that point and I would never suggest that you get to it or not. I firmly believe that it is possible for both CG and F&F to gain from the experience of living with the addiction to gamble and to make it work for a better future.
Scream by all means but never lock yourself away because that would mean the addiction had won and that must never happen. You are stronger than your partner’s addiction even when you feel it is winning and that strength will be growing. Your children will gain from that strength and you will be an excellent role model for them.
The idea that he has a right to buy something for himself because he has not gambled is not unusual but 2 days abstention is not recovery and was, as you so rightly say, another selfish act. However, I doubt his addiction wanted to hear your reasoning that the rent should have gone first as it was still full on and demanding attention.
Finding the words to deal with an active CG standing in front of you, seemingly much bigger and more aggressive than usual, is never easy and I have made every mistake in the book. I think that the best thing to do when you are floored for a response about money being demanded or an answer to a nasty comment is to refuse to respond in a way that allows for further manipulation. I think it is good to have phrases ready, perhaps jotted down in a quiet moment, such as ‘I will discuss this only when, you have calmed down/sat down/stopped glaring/I have had time to think’. The thing about a manipulative person is that they know what they are going to say, they know what they want, but you don’t – so caught by surprise your answer is more likely to be open to further manipulation.
Take the frustration out of knowing that when he gambles he will swear blind that he didn’t by accepting that he will not tell you the truth so there is little point in the confrontation. I doubt very much that he thinks you are stupid. He knows he has gambled and lost, so his addiction will want to confuse you into backing away. Confusing him by not responding in a way that he doesn’t expect is more effective – perhaps calmly saying something like ‘we both know you are lying but we will leave it at that’ and then carry on with something that you want to do.
Once again I hope some of this helps but please keep posting and hopefully drop in to the group where we can ‘talk’ in real time which is often easier.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Hope
I’m sorry you didn’t make the group last night.
I know that every post and group seems to get tougher and tougher and sometimes everything becomes too much to take on but please keep posting.
There were weeks when I felt I couldn’t face Gamanon – I couldn’t bear to be in a room with so much pain but I don’t think an evening passed without a smile at some point and on some evenings a lot of laughter. One evening, in particular, when daylight drew to a close, nobody put the light on and in the dark we talked and laughed until we cried even though the reason we were there together was horrendous – when the lights went on we looked awful!
It is hard to pack a smile into just one hour when there seems to be so much to say that wouldn’t raise a smile on the face of the Cheshire cat but never give up talking and sharing – I promise you in the end you will laugh and smile again and although I don’t believe you will ever look back on this experience with any laughter you will be able to cope with the memory of it. I use my experience for reference only and it doesn’t hurt me anymore although I make sure I never dwell for long in that part of the past
Your son can control the force that is eating away at him but taking control of that force is hard and I believe, that for now anyway, he is delaying it as long as he possibly can.
I hope you are looking after yourself, seeing friends, eating and sleeping well and enjoying as much as you can that doesn’t relate to gambling.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Bee and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Hope
I wrote most of my reply to you yesterday but I didn’t post it as I wanted to give it more thought which has given me the chance to read Nomore’s post. I want to say how much I agree with her that no matter who we are, the issue is the same. When confronted with the addiction to gamble, it makes no difference whether we are parent, spouse or child, if we allow the addiction to control our lives then we do not help the CG or ourselves.
I know I appear cynical but if a CG wants money and his bank card is bent, he will be straight on to the bank to get what is rightfully his money – that is provided there is any money left in the account.
I hear in your posts a gentle, loving mother, struggling to come to terms with the boy she raised and loved from birth being unhappy – and who is finding it impossible to hold back from giving that son that which she believes he needs to live and go to work. Board and lodging doesn’t seem unreasonable for a mother to give her son – but to a gambler the money saved from not paying that board and lodging and the little amount of £2.20 a day saved, from not having to find a train fare, is money to gamble and it is that gamble which keeps the gamble-brain active.
Your son does need help but I suspect he isn’t blind, I think his eyes are wide open to the fact that provided he is fed, housed and can get to and from work he can earn his gambling money. Please do not thing I don’t understand how you feel but it seems to me that while you can’t bear the thought of him being without a job your son is more than willing to bear it – what I suspect ‘he’ can’t bear is the thought of not being able to gamble.
I know I sound like a broken record when I say that my CG told me that as long as I enabled him he didn’t see the point in facing his demons. Your son knows that facing those demons is tough; he knows he will have a painfully difficult time while he fights his addiction so he will want to avoid it for as long as he can. What he is not thinking about is the future where the demons are beaten and the suffering and misery is a thing of the past – he can’t see that with his gamble befuddled brain – but you can.
Nomore is saying that in her experience her CG relapsed again and again but he also tried and tried again until, having lost all enablement he succeeded. She is able to write as I do; that she knows the addiction to gamble can be controlled. As a wife, Nomore’s outcome was different from mine and will surely be different from yours but her issue was the same. The beauty about this forum and Gamanon groups is the ability to hear more than one voice saying the same thing in slightly different ways, which hopefully helps to bring clarity to the confusion that the addiction to gamble relies upon.
Please keep posting – you are in my thoughts
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Jenny
Your ex is certainly putting you through the wringer and I am not surprised you are angry and hurt.
In my experience a lot of what you are putting down to being a CG could equally apply to many embittered people when a relationship breaks down but of course, your ex has a terrible addiction thrown into the mix which is making it very much worse. The expression ‘hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’ can equally apply to men. You have rightly scorned his addiction and called his bluff for the sake of your children and yourself. You have refused his addiction and rather than taking responsibility for his actions he is trying to lay the blame for his life being out of control at your feet – however cowardly and selfish this is, it is sadly not uncommon.
I believe that behaviour such as your ex is displaying will be seen, for what it is, by more people than you realise. The people who work with him may feel they have to listen to him to maintain a working relationship and some may even think they have a right to interfere on his behalf because there will always be those, Jenny, who don’t want to see truth for reasons of their own. These people do not know your husband in the way that you do but it is quite possible that their eyes will be opened in the future. I think it is best to tell the truth gently and openly with those who matter – and the people he works with do not come in that category.
I’m not convinced that you were conned; I believe that people can change for the worse just as they can change for the better.
What you do is of course up to you. I think that keeping a journal of events is the best way forward so that in the future, if/when your children ask ‘why’ you can tell them as it was and likewise if you seek legal redress you will have the information at your fingertips.
You ‘know’ you haven’t done the things he is saying so don’t let his words bring you down. I know that is easier for me to say than for you to do but one day, hopefully soon, this will all be behind you.
Is there a reason why you are afraid to seek closure legally when you don’t believe that he is genuinely interested in the children? I would never suggest that anybody leaves or stays within a damaging relationship but sometimes legal closure is the only way.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Samy
You are already doing the best thing – you are seeking support and you have come to the right place for understanding and knowledge to help you cope.
I have only just finished my group so I will not be able to write much to you tonight but I will hopefully write more tomorrow.
It appears that your husband has a gambling problem that has got out of hand – is this the first time this has happened?
While you are feeling so shocked Samy it is best to do nothing until you know what it is that is right for you to do – give yourself time to understand what is possibly going on with your husband. If he has an addiction to gamble he will not have asked for it or wanted it in his life anymore than you want it.
it is easier to shout at someone who has just lost all their money than to listen to see why it happened but If your husband has a real problem then he will be unhappy, his confidence and self-esteem will be non-existent. However much he seems in control – he isn’t.
I can’t write more tonight Samy but please know you are in the right place and your husband can control his addiction if he has one – if he couldn’t I wouldn’t be writing to you now.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Samy

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

[velvet]

Hi Hope
I know you won’t kick him when he is down but I am concerned that your finances are being stretched, you can no longer trust your son with your possessions and sadly his addiction will take you all the way down with it, if you allow it. Your son knows about being answerable to others, he learned it in GMA and he will not have forgotten it; which is why I think there is a likelihood that the reason he is not talking to you is because he is hoping you will go quietly into the night leaving him to go to work and muddle his way through to the next pay day – whilst probably chasing his losses as this is his way of alleviating pain.
I think that “I’m sorting it” is distraction because clearly he is not while you are funding his train fare and he is stealing from you. Is he paying anything for his keep? In my opinion, ‘sorting it’ would be allowing you to take over his pay and budget for him but in my view he is choosing to stick his head in the sand and hope the world will go away.
Maybe an intervention meeting with the whole family would work – a concerted effort to let him know that while you all care you will not feed his addiction and to this end it is important that he seeks help. My only reservation with this is that I know of circumstances where this method has not been successful and the divisiveness of the addiction has raised more issues than it has resolved. It is important, therefore, that all the participants are in agreement with what they want to achieve before they start and that the atmosphere is warm without any threats or raised voices.
I think that maybe the loss of his girlfriend is good in the long term in that your son can focus more on himself and what he needs to do, however, the loss may induce further self-pity for a while which is probably the reason behind his tears.
I agree with Vera when she says to keep telling him that support is available even though he knows it and he knows where to go for it. At the moment he is ‘choosing’ not to seek support.
I am still of the opinion that this thread is for ‘you’ to give you support to help you cope, suggesting he reads one or two selected posts will not, in my opinion, help you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Rs
I wanted to add a post as well as giving you our official welcome because of the strength of feeling you have towards your wife.
I was wondering if your wife would like to join the F&F forum on this site where she will be met with understanding and support. I know how difficult it is to share one’s thoughts when someone lives with a CG (compulsive gambler). Loyalty, fear and unnecessary shame all contribute to F&F keeping things bottled up inside but in time such thoughts and emotions can implode with devastating consequences.
I believe that when couples use the site it is good if neither reads the others posts because all recoveries are different and being able to say how you really feel is often only possible when it is said privately. To that end also there is a Friends and Family group which is completely private and facilitated for F&F only and where nothing said in the group appears on the forum – your wife would be very welcome. The F&F group is on Tuesday between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time.
It is because I know that the addition to gamble can be controlled that I am here writing to you. I believe you have reached a good place by posting here where ‘you’ are understood and I hope you will continue to post and join the facilitated CG groups.
I wish you well
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Rs and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practicle Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Ivy
It seems to me that while he has money he isn’t going to make any effort to stop gambling whilst blaming it on a seeming inability to do so which he justifies as being beyond him.

My concern is that as long as he has some access to money he will not hurt enough to really face his demons – a fairly typical ploy is just to gain a little more time for just one more gamble and the cycle continues. Have you sought legal advice on protecting your finances because creditors will seek redress from wherever they can?
You seem to be determined on your course of action and I am in no position to suggest you let him stay or tell him to leave. I delivered countless ultimatums without being aware that every time I caved in I was feeding a voracious addiction which revelled in my ignorance so I know that separating oneself from a CG is not an easy matter. It is very important to be very sure that this is what you really want.
You have said that your husband is a good dad and step dad, are your children aware of the situation and the reason behind it?
Is he aware of the Gordon Moody Association which is a fantastic rehab? I believe in informing CG loved ones, even when F&F have lost all hope, that there is good support available If they really want to change.
Keep posting and pushing your thoughts around
I wish you well
Velvet

[Author]

Posts