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Hi Stacey
It is always when the unexpected bill comes in that our thoughts turn to what might have been if………………..! Nothing comes of the thought, however, apart from a bit more misery on top of the worry of paying the bill.
I am hoping that your partner is suffering because he hasn’t got use of a car. If he is suffering at all, try not to say things like ‘it’s all your fault, if you hadn’t gambled etc’ which is water off a CG ducks back – hopefully what will get through to him is that he is cold and wet because he gambled leaving him with no money to fix the car.
The addiction is selfish – he probably won’t be ready to shoulder the responsibility of his children and you doing the school run as the temperatures drop and he may well use any complaining as a reason for him to gamble – after all who wants to be stuck at home with a partner and 4 children moaning all the time when you can gamble and forget your worries ?
You thinking positively about you is the best thing you can do – hoping for him to wake up and accept responsibility is a waste of your energy.
I am always concerned that my message smacks of rolling over and allowing the CG to wipe their feet a bit more on their loved one – but all the tears, anger, pleading, stress that F&F go through to the nth degree doesn’t make a scrap of difference to an active CG apart from giving their addiction reason to react negatively.
Obviously it is important to protect as much finance as you possibly can and to this end I suggest opening an account to which he has no access or knowledge. Any monies saved are not for paying gambling debts but for protecting your children.
This is only a suggestion, but if it was me I think I would print off the Gamblers Anonymous 20 questions and tick the yeses that I ‘knew’ he should tick and then leave it somewhere he will chance across it. I wouldn’t slap it in front of him making it confrontational but more like something you had copied off privately to help you. If it is possible to have a good conversation about his behaviour then maybe you could tell him that you have had to seek help in order to support him – but do it without being accusatory.
As always Stacey I hope some of this helps. I know the frustration you feel but keep looking after yourself – it confuses his addiction and anything that does that is good.
VelvetHi Tinkerbell
It isn’t a backfire when a CG feels enablement slipping away and leaves to find enablement elsewhere Tinkerbell, it is the nature of the beast. Please don’t beat yourself up thinking what you could have done differently, your ex appears to have believed you were strong enough to resist his addiction and an addiction as strong as his doesn’t like to be thwarted.
I cannot tell you what to do, I can only tell you I have heard of similar circumstances many times.
I hear alarm bells ringing when you say you are prepared to beg for his to stay and I hope you will read more threads in this forum which will hopefully help you realise how powerful corrosive and dangerous the addiction to gamble can be. The fact that he turned up again to get help with his finances suggests he believes you are vulnerable so please be careful.
You ex has managed to declare himself ‘in love’ in a very short space of time – time enough though for him to find somebody gullible who possible will provide him with money with which he can gamble. I may appear cynical to you but I unwittingly lived with the addiction to gamble for 25 years and I know how manipulative it is.
I really do understand your pain but broken families and lives are harder to repair than a broken heart. I hope you will keep posting and hopefully reading.
VelvetHi Annie
The other issues that you have mentioned are common to the addiction to gamble and usually once the addiction has been controlled these other issues disappear in time, although of course people can be subject to paranoia and anger for other reasons too.
I have brought up my thread entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’ which I hope will help you begin to see how the different problems you have described fit in to the cycle of addiction.
It is of course impossible to tell the feelings of others and even if his family are at their wits end they may still (and probably do) care and long for a positive outcome; realising that we cannot see into the hearts of people or save them is an important lesson we learn with this addiction. The only person you can save is you and if you look after yourself this is ultimately the best thing you can do for your SO.
When you say you have moved away, is this from your CG or just from his family? If you have moved away from him, is this because of his addiction? If he is with you, does he live with you?
Co-dependency is a difficult subject and is often bandied about too easily. Maybe ‘Co-dependent No More’ written by Melody Beattie would help you recognise if you have a problem with this or not because feeling that you are the only one left caring is not, in itself, co-dependency.
You have done well refusing to give your SO any money as money is the same to a CG as a drink is to the alcoholic – it feeds the addiction and helps it grow, it never helps; be it 5 pence or 5 thousand pounds it is money with which to gamble and it is the gamble, not the money, that is the problem.
I would never challenge your assertion that you love your CG but what I would warn you against is believing that love in itself will conquer all – it doesn’t. It was my belief that provided I showed love every day, one day the penny would drop and my CG would see the joy that honesty, kindness and giving love brings and he would awaken him from whatever had him in its grip– it didn’t, it merely offered enablement and I possibly kept him in his addiction longer than was necessary.
Does your OS ever admit he has a problem? You don’t have to answer this but I wondered what went wrong with the intervention.
I wouldn’t be writing to you Annie, if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled but the path to that recovery is slow and difficult and often the outcome is not the one that is desired.
Keep posting, you will always be heard and understood. You have done well writing your first post which is always the hardest.
Velvet<
Hello Tinkerbell
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care