Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Annie
Many CG are often highly intelligent but they lack logic and rationality when it comes to gambling making it very difficult to communicate with them without feeling you have come off worst.
Maybe the following will help you cope better, it isn’t recognised professionally but it has helped so many people I always think it is worth passing on.
Active CG are always ready for combat, as arguments often can be turned into a excuse to gamble, the atmosphere in a room can change as soon as they feel that ‘that’ conversation is starting again.
If you can imagine your SO’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room waiting for any perceived threat, I believe it helps to recognise the danger signals and avoid them. As long as conversations are light and general the addiction beast stays quiet but the minute your SO’s addiction feels threatened his addiction beast is between you and from then on ‘it’ directs the conversation.
The good news is that although your SO is controlled by that beast you are not and by listening to what he is saying rather than rising to the lies, threats and manipulation, you will gain knowledge. Once the addiction beast is between you, you will not hear your SO, you will only hear his addiction seeking to demoralise, confound and blame you. The addiction to gamble is the master of threats and you are not and nor should you have to be.
It was explained to me by a CG like this. The constant failure experienced by CGs destroys their self-confidence and self-esteem leaving them feeling worthless. When, for instance, you tell your SO that you love him he will almost certainly have trouble believing you because his distorted perception will have trouble accepting that you would love someone who is such a failure. Believing himself to be without worth your SO will fight back with distortion and lies because sadly, at the moment, he doesn’t have or know any other coping mechanism.
In my opinion, standing back and listening to what he is saying hopefully makes it easier to stay out of an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side, the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
This might sound negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you and looking after you is so very, very important.
I will leave this here and await your thoughts. Ask me anything and if at any time you don’t understand me or disagree with me please just say.
VelvetHello Chelsea and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Angsty
I might have to end up calling you Angie because Angsty sounds so sad and I am sincerely hoping that when you have had time with us in the this forum and hopefully in the Tuesday group you will feel a lot better.
It is your husband’s addiction that is causing you to feel trapped but you don’t own that addiction so I suggest you do not have to be controlled by it. Don’t ever feel you have to ‘resign’ to misery. I believe you are a very special person who has temporarily forgotten how to love herself due to years of an unhappy experience. Easy to say I know but there are many things you can do to help yourself and not everything will be learned in one post.
I will answer your last question first because the answer to it is the reason that I am here writing to you at all. I know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result – sometimes better lives because of the strength that comes from controlling the addiction.
I am not surprised that you are resentful, angry, torn hurt and probably a whole lot more. It’s OK to feel such anger, your husband’s addiction is wrecking the good life you could be having but it is also wrecking the good life that he could be having because he doesn’t want and didn’t ask for his addiction anymore than you did. He would love to gamble responsibility but unfortunately he cannot and that is what he has not understood – yet.
I don’t for a minute think you want to wallow in your hurt, I think you want to be happy and laugh without stress which makes cuddling the person who is denying you that pleasure something you would rather avoid. I would feel the same,
Has your husband ever admitted or accepted he has a problem with his gambling, has he ever sought help for it?
Do you have any friends at all to whom you can turn even if it is just to hold the hand of someone who cares?
In cyber space I am holding out my hand to you and I will walk with you for as long as you want me to do so.
I am bringing up my thread entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’ for you so that you can see that all that you have experienced is recognised and you are not alone. I remember when I first found out that I was not alone I howled for weeks at every Gamanon meeting I attended – I didn’t know about this site at that time. Maybe you have a Gamanon group in your area and if so I suggest you would find it a great help – it is good just to sit and share with others even the silliest things because somebody in the room will almost definitely have had the same experience.
Do I understand correctly that your husband has now moved out –and if so how are you communicating with him and is he with people who will be enabling him?
I am going to leave my first post to you there but I wanted you to know that you have been heard and understood.
Well done writing what must have been a very difficult post – I hope you felt better for putting your thoughts down.
Speak soon
Velvet<
HelloAngsty
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
