[velvet]

Hi Nm

I was just closing my computer when I saw you had started another thread. I don’t have time tonight to reply to it but I will reply tomorrow using this thread. Please stick to the one thread because if you have more than one going people can’t find you and your posts can be missed.

I will quickly say that his reaction to the circuit being blown was not acceptable but ‘could’ still relate to him trying to adapt to life in control of his addiction.

Is he in any contact at all with the rehab he was in?

Well done in not reacting but angrily which would probably have made matters worse but please look after yourself – this behaviour is horrible.

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Stacey

You are doing well

V

[velvet]

Hi Red
Everything you have written chimes with my experience of compulsive gambling and the experiences of so many other F&F families I have known who have lived with an active CG..
My CG admitted I was his target because I was the closest and probably the easiest.
The anger intensified as the addiction got worse and just before he took the leap of faith and went into rehab it raged at its worst ever. I thought his behaviour meant many things but I never really believed it was the addiction that was causing his aggression and threatening behaviour.
When he went on the GMA programme, I admit I thought he was looking for a roof over his head and being entirely honest I was glad he had one that didn’t involve me – someone else could have the worry of him for, (what was at that time), 9 months. I expected him to be thrown out every day when they uncovered the fact that a simple thing like gambling could not turn this boy into someone so unpleasant. I am so glad that I was wrong and that those who could stand back from the frae could see that he was indeed a CG.
I think it is important not to to be distracted from that which appears to be a reasonable assumption with your son. Did he accompany your ex when he gambled? Did he see his father treating you badly?
I am wondering how the holiday in Paris will go – his girlfriend must be at the very least a little concerned but you can do no more.
During the time that he is estranged from you make the most of your hobbies and interests, keep friendships alive. I feel that when those around the CG give up everything because of thinking about their loved one 24 hours a day then the only winner is the addiction. Your son is not his father however much his behaviour seems to say otherwise. Keep those texts going and keep posting.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Jds
Maybe it would be a good idea for you to think where you would like to be in the next 3 months, or even in 3 years because if you carry on letting your father press the same buttons all the time you will be writing a similar post – but you will be a lot poorer, your girlfriend will have less patience and less money and your father will have thrown a load more of your money at whatever it is he gambles on.
Your father doesn’t want to know how you feel, sadly he is only interested in the way that he feels and he feels he has to gamble. You cannot save him but you can refuse to feed his addiction.
Of course it isn’t fair that you cover for him so what can you do that is different this time?
Maybe you could tell him about this site, or GA or the GMA rehab.
If it was me I would tell him that he had pushed me too far and not to ask me for any more money because the answer will be ‘no’. When my CG changed his life he told me that as long as I enabled him he had no incentive to take on the challenge of controlling his addiction.
Please keep posting and read other posts in the F&F forum – it takes time for F&F to realise that they have to change too.
I will leave this reply with my favourite quote
You may never know what results come from your actions but if you do nothing there will be no results – Mahatma Gandi
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Stacey
He does suffer because he can’t gamble without losing and that causes CGs to be very unhappy – but – I think you are right that usually they do seem to always be able to find someone to give them money or food or a roof over their heads – I believe them to have a very high survival instinct.
I’ve heard the tweezer ruse before and it is sad but there is seldom anything new in the behaviour of an active CG. It is time to find a place that he will not discover and I know this is really hard to do – maybe you could leave it with someone you can trust, although I know your trust levels must be pretty low at the moment. Maybe, and I cannot tell you what to do, asking him to save for a wedding is not the best thing. If you want to save, save for you and then if he controls his addiction you will have a nest egg to consider the future that you want.
How sad that the flowers and money came at such a cost but unfortunately it is typical of most active CGs. If you can ensure that your savings are really safe maybe in the future a gift would be bought with honest money but the cynical me says that this will not be any time soon.
The disappearing act is common – hoping that the poor behaviour will be forgotten. Maybe when he reappears it would be best just to say that the ceramic pot is no more because the gesture was pointless without him keeping his side of the bargain and leave it at that – no great discussion, just a statement.
As ever
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Red
Well you know not to c o u n t on your ex MIL for support so I suggest you put her firmly out of your mind.
I wasn’t sure how to answer you at first and then I remembered a conversation that I had with my CG when he was finally able to explain to me some of the things that I said that didn’t make a scrap of difference to him but that I had thought at the time were positive words.
I told him I needed him to be honest, that he could tell me whatever was worrying him, I told him I needed him to get help, I told him I needed him to talk to me. He was finally able to tell me that all the time I was telling his needs they were not his needs at all, they were mine – his need was to gamble and to avoid anything that prevented that gamble.
I am so sorry that your delight turned to ashes but it seems to me that removing the word ‘need’ can help us say the right thing. Even now after all these years I find myself stopping when I go to use the word in any situation.
I have to post this without really giving it the thought I would like to as I am on way out for the evening but I wanted to give you a quick reply and to wish you well when you see your son.
I will look for an update tomorrow
V

[velvet]

Hi Nm
Your boyfriend has done well getting positive responses to the people he owes money to and I am pleased to hear he is returning to work.
Testing his gambling addiction by watching the sport he gambled on ‘could’ mean that he has not been fully accepted his addiction. If I was in your situation I would tell my CG that I wanted to be relaxed and not worry about him watching sport but because it was the trigger for his problem I am concerned – would he therefore consider putting his thoughts about what he is doing to either the rehab he has been in, or to the Helpline here to set your mind at rest. In other words, would he help you understand? I asked my CG to help me when he left rehab because I didn’t know what I should or should not be doing or saying to support him and I wanted to get it right. Like you, my CG told me not to worry but following my request he did give me pointers which made it easier for me to relax and gradually, in time I ceased to worry.
I have requested further support on this question and I will let you know more when I have it tot hand.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Red
Not sure what happened but if you leave in the last 5 or 10 mins (not sure which) I know you can’t get back in.
It was good to talk though and I hope it helped
I will leave you with my favourite version of the Serenity Prayer

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the thing that I can
And Wisdom to know it is me.

Goodnight

velvet

[velvet]

Hi Nm
The bad feeling about your losses will disappear in time I hope because there is little point in regretting something over which you had no control. What’s gone is probably gone forever and the only thing to do is to learn from it for the future..
He might do well with meetings but I know CGs who do not need them, and do well in other ways – his mother is not correct in thinking it is the only way for him. Maybe you could tell him that you seek support here and that there is a wealth of experience on this site with CG groups and a CG forum – the beauty about this is the anonymity. If you did decide to tell him you can always have your thread made invisible and/or change your user name if it is one he would recognise. the Helpline will help you with this. The F & F groups are obviously completely private and CGs are not allowed access and you will always be welcome.
Whatever you decide to do, I would suggest caution and no rush. A CG who leaves rehab is more like a seed, brought on and nurtured into a small plant, in safe surroundings but it takes time to blossom when the real world presses in.
Imagine a person who is always late and then one day they make the supreme effort and arrive on time – if everybody passes comments like ‘did you wet the bed or something?’ the person could easily think ‘why did I bother?’ and revert to being late which didn’t get any comments. This is an extremely mild way of putting how it feels for a CG who is trying to change their life – they have made all the effort to start a new life but those around them have not changed one iota. It is hard trying to strike a balance which is why I think that listening is more important than anything else.
You did well asking him if he would like help to manage his finances and his agreement is good but again be careful not to rush at this by mentioning it too often and too quickly. Give him to think and forget worrying about what will happen in the future if he argues. When you know he is paid perhaps you could then suggest he starts the ball rolling and allows you to put his money into an account in your name but which you know is his money for food, etc. (no need to mention gambling!) There is also no need to start mentioning it 2 or 3 days ahead of when he gets paid because it suggests you are anxious and mistrusting.
Once again I have to say that the finest way that you can help him is that you look after yourself, that you do things for yourself that make you happy because there is nothing worse than a person constantly watching you to see if you are happy or gambling or spending too long playing chess.
Keep posting, I can hear you are listening and I wish you and your boyfriend well. We do have an excellent Helpline on this site which is there for you and your boyfriend if he wants to know more. Between 9am and 5pm he will probably speak to a CG who lives in control of his addition and will understand him and support him. Once again though take your time with all the information you get here.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Redare
I appreciate what you are saying that other people have greater crosses to bear but I don’t think weighing one pain against another helps – this is your son, your life, your pain and that is why you are here for support just for you.
I cannot tell you what to do but I believe that it is important for F&F to be totally honest with CGs. You say you love your son and in my opinion texting ‘Goodnight, I love you’ is not only a kind thing to do but a positive, truthful thing to do. He may well delete your words, he may well scorn them, he may well tell you not to do it again – but our children can and do hurt us and as mothers we often have to see beyond our pain – if it was me I would text those same three words regardless of his response or lack of response.
In my opinion, the three small words that you have said to your son since the day he was born are enough and are powerful. What I would not do is write more than those few words because they can be twisted to suit his distorted perception. I wrote a letter full of love, hope and expectation. I learned later that he had read it a thousand times, it was wet with tears, screwed up and torn, thrown away, found, re-read, screwed up but it was never read as I had intended it – his mind, distorted by addiction, only read that I saw him as a failure and a disappointment. It is why I often say that the strangest thing I found about my CG controlling his addiction was that he had to learn to trust me more so than the other way round.
I wish you well and hope you keep posting. I also hope you will pop in to the group tonight it would be good to ‘talk’ in real time.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Nm
The way your boyfriend started gambling is the way that many compulsive gamblers got hooked, he played for fun with friends but unlike his friends he couldn’t walk away and that is addiction.
I know that many CGs who go through rehab are quieter when they come home. What did you expect him to be like and in what way is he showing that he hasn’t changed?
Many CGs who go through the GMA programme do not go to meeting afterwards as it is a more holistic approach to the gambling addiction and sometimes that is enough but I don’t know of a 21 day rehab so I cannot comment.
If your boyfriend has faced his demons he may have to dig very deep and he may not want to talk about it, he may be processing what he has learned and deciding what he wants to do with his life.
My experience post-rehab was certainly not one I could have expected. My CG had to learn to trust me rather than the other way round. You say that there are still fears but are these your fears or his?
It might be that you have to let him work his way through this and maybe it is better if you just listen when he speaks and don’t question him. The greatest help you can give your boyfriend is for you to look after yourself because if he is shouldering responsibility for the mess he has made in his life it is better for him if you are not part of the wreckage.
If you suspect he is gambling then that is very different but I don’t hear that suggestion in your post. If you do suspect it, you must be very sure because if he is not and he really is trying to control a terrible addiction he needs support.
I will leave this post here and await your reply so that I can understand better what it is that is concerning you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Redare
I have read your latest post but I want to respond to your initial post because although the addiction is the same, each person who asks for support is an individual and maybe something in my reply will resonate in a different way from all you have read.
There is no evidence to support the compulsion to gamble being hereditary regardless of what a recent rather inflammatory newspaper stated. The problem for your son has almost certainly come from learned behaviour and sadly his father is a poor role model for him.
I have heard the old chestnut that ‘I am cleverer than the other gamblers’ before and likewise in response to GA meetings ‘I am not as bad as the other people there’. It is of course delusional but he doesn’t sound ready to listen yet.
I have also heard before the response his father gave when you sought support from him and like you I find it abhorrent but at least now you know there will be no support coming from that quarter.
You did well last Sunday having what appeared to be a reasonable conversation but there obviously was nothing in your sons’ account so he is avoiding you. I think it is best when you are faced with an active CG not to believe anything they say and that way you will not be drawn in to making suggestions such as accompanying him to the bank when you don’t believe him anyway and which only exacerbates his addiction.
Is his girlfriend willing to take control of his finances? It will be difficult for her to do so but CGs who want to control their addictions often ask for such support. Unfortunately many CGs get nasty if their addiction is triggered and they ask for money to gamble which they say is rightfully theirs – she may well need support with this.
Nasty text or not you, did a brave and generous thing advising his girlfriend’s parent’s that your son has a problem – I think many parents would be grateful for a warning such as this. Maybe they are busy but in my experience many people just don’t want to know about the problem and prefer to pretend it doesn’t exist or it exists only in other people lives. Whatever the outcome you did you all you could to protect their daughter.
You are certainly not crazy.
You ask where can you go from here, well I think you are doing the right thing – you are posting here, reading other stories, gaining knowledge and learning that you are very important and not responsible for your son’s addiction.
You couldn’t protect your son from what has happened, you never stood a chance so please don’t beat yourself up. I went through thousands of ‘maybes’. ‘what ifs’, ‘if onlys’ and they didn’t make a scrap of difference. Now in control of his addiction my CG tells me that I did all the wrong things for all the right reasons but what mother doesn’t try and do things for the right reasons?
Keep posting, pop into the F&F group on Tuesdays between 20.00 and 21.00 UK time where we can talk in real time. I will try and answer anything you care to ask me. Maybe you could return to the Gamanon group you went to before.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Nmcic

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

[velvet]

<

Hello Redare

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

[velvet]

Hello Conperch and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

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