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Hi P
I’m writing to you on the first thread that you started and suggest you stick to one thread or your journal will get lost by being split – as you can see Harry has replied to you because he thought it was your first post.
The following is a method of coping with a CG in the early stages when you are still reeling from finding out about the addiction in your home. It isn’t recommended by professionals but it has been successfully used by many members and was told to me by a CG who had changed their life.
Imagine your bf’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten that addiction it stays quiet. When you threaten the addictive beast by asking the sort of questions it hates, such as “where were you”, “what have you done with that money” or “what on earth makes you gamble?” the addiction beast leaps between you and controls the conversation because it is the master of threats and manipulation. You are not addicted to gambling, therefore you can think logically and rationally but once the addiction is fired up between you logic and rationality fly out of the window leaving you confused and frightened. The addiction can then blame you for the argument and turn it into a reason to gamble – because in the mind of the CG you were asking unreasonable questions – because you don’t understand.
Your partner’s addiction drastically changes reality to suit his personal perception. He didn’t ask for or want his addiction any more than you did; he will not be the man he wants to be but when the addiction is triggered and is between you, it distorts what you are you are saying and your partner speaks to you with lies and deceit because without treatment that is his only coping mechanism.
Your partner’s addiction will cause him feel a failure, he can’t walk away from a gamble until there is nothing left, which will leave him feeling worthless. The addiction has nothing to do with money – it is all to do with ‘the gamble’ – money is only the means to the end.
I think it is good to stand back and listen rather than become involved in an argument you will never win and which the addictive behaviour has instigated – the argument has no purpose other than to make you feel less in control. Once you are in the argument then the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
The positive side of refusing to play the game with a CG is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction and gives your time and energy to look after yourself. By looking after yourself you become stronger, able to reclaim your own life, cope with your children and make the right decisions with your relationship- this helps your partner too.
I will leave this here for now P and await your thoughts. Did he tell you how he got on at GA?
Keep posting – you will find as your journal increases that you will be stronger and more able to cope – but above all please look after yourself at this very important time.
VelvetHi P
well done on starting your thread. As you know I have just finished the group and I am going to go and relax now. I will write to you tomorrow.
sleep well tonight – you have done well sharing your concerns and you are not alone with your worries anymore.
Velvet
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Hello P
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
Hi JB
Further to my last post to you and your concern about your girlfriend’s cocaine habit I have learned that if you are in the USA there is an organisation called SAMHSA which offers on line advice and a confidential helpline which will give you and your girlfriend more information on what is available.
http://www.samhsa.gov
If you are in the UK then maybe you could look at the TalkToFrank website who also offer on line advice and a confidential helpline.
Adfam is a UK website that focuses on helping families cope with family members who are taking drugs.
http://www.talktofrank.com
http://www.adfam.org.uk/families/what_should_i_do
As I said in my previous email ‘you’ matter and looking after you is so very important. Of course this site will always welcome you and/or your girlfriend with regard to her gambling and I hope you will keep posting.
VelvetHi JB
It seems to me that what you are describing is a very one-side relationship in which you believe that, without you, your finance will not pass her nursing qualification and her son will not get through High School . You seem to be carrying the weight of these two people’s lives and yet you are still in an early recovery from your own problem.
I might have got this wrong, in which case I apologise, but in my opinion it appears to be her cocaine habit which is the crux of the problem and the gambling is something that maybe she escapes to when it suits her. I’m sorry if that seems an unfair statement but I am struggling to know how to support you best.
At present you are communicating with me on line. We cannot see each other and even if we met we would pass each other by without recognition because this site offers anonymity. This site offers the same anonymity to compulsive gamblers with a forum such as this, groups run by facilitators with experience and knowledge and a terrific one-to-one Helpline. There is also Gamblers Anonymous’, GA. I don’t know where you live (and I don’t need to) but there are similar organisations for drug addiction and your girlfriend could seek the right support without exposing herself if she really wants to control her addiction and those 5 words are important – ‘if she really wants to’.
The rules set in place by the authorities are there to protect patients and with the best will in the world you cannot be sure she would not abuse her position in the future because addictions get worse unless they are treated. However to safeguard herself and future patients your girlfriend should seek support. Many addicts say they want help but use the excuse that they could be recognised. In my opinion, anonymity knocks that excuse out of the window.
My suggestion would be, therefore, that she seeks support anonymously.
I can sympathise with your thought that she will not keep her side of the financial bargain you have mooted.
I am sure she is a good person but she does have at least one addiction and that means that her behaviour will not reflect her goodness.
Her addiction or addictions are selfish and although I am sure she is not disrespecting you deliberately, she is not taking responsibility for her son or her relationship with you. She is endangering her son’s future, not you. As to ‘why’ – if there was a simple answer there would no need for sites such as this.
Keep posting but above all look after yourself first. You haven’t mentioned how you tackled your addiction but I suggest you return to the support you sought then, to keep you safe because you and your health matter.
VelvetHello Matthew and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hello Valerie and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi NM
Sometimes it is downright impossible to keep calm but the thing that would keep me from flying off the handle is that it is that which the addiction wants me to do.
However, admitting that something is causing you pain is not you getting angry, it is a fact and it is unnecessary. If admitting that someone has hurt you ends up with them determining to find fault with you, regardless of the truth, then it is a waste of time arguing because the only way to win is not to play the game. Walk away; do something that pleases you, talk to a friend or family member about anything but gambling, write a post here, but most importantly take care of yourself.
VelvetHi Jb
Before I write another word I have to say how well you have done with your own horrendous addiction.
I would also like to commend you on your first excellent posts which have given so much insight into your life. They must have been very, very hard for you to write but I hope that having written them down you felt relief from sharing what must seem an insurmountable problem.
Problems are like broken jigsaws JD – they lie before us in thousands of pieces and there is no way that the end picture can be seen – it is just a mess. I have chosen some of those pieces that you have recognised as being important to your whole picture and it is those I want to talk about in my first full reply to you.
“I have a good job, and have been rock solid as far as spending discipline, and not touching alcohol at all.” – How good your life should be JD– you have worked hard and you deserve more than this.
“that habit has increased to 1-2 times a week now. She has the permanent “sniffles”. – You know from your own addiction that addictions get worse unless they are treated. As she has seems to have accepted this problem, what is she doing about it? If she isn’t prepared to try and help herself then there is nothing you can do. You can’t save her but you can and in my opinion, you must, save yourself.
“ I wanted to go ahead and pay Novembers car payments(373, and 392) as well as Novembers Bankruptcy payment (485), but she insisted that we use the money to get caught up on bills. I reluctantly agreed, because it would really be nice to not have stuff shut off all the time…and we had the money to pay, gas, electric, cable, sewage, cell phones all current.”. – This was an obvious manipulation from an active CG (compulsive gambler) to keep money back to feed her addiction. If this situation occurs again, I can’t tell you what you should do, but if it was me I would insist on paying the bills while the money is accessible because it will happen again and again.
“I want to throw her out but I don’t want to push her over the edge.” It seems to me JD that it is you that is being pushed over the edge and only you can stop this happening. I would never tell you to leave or stay with your relationship but the strain you are under is tremendous.
“This is killing me and I need help.” I think you know the answer to your problem, the hard bit is doing it.
Your fiance’s unacceptable behaviour will get worse unless she gets help and if she is not willing to get that help then, I believe, you have to put yourself first and save yourself.
People can kick multi addictions and a strong support is really helpful but your girlfriend knows your situation and yet is not supporting you or seeking to change. I am of the opinion that you need all your strength to support yourself.
I’m not sure what you mean by being ‘pushed over the edge” – sometimes/often a person has to be allowed to fall before they realise that it is their responsibility to change their lives.What do you want to do JD?. Advice is often what we ask for when we know the answer but wish we didn’t. I understand that feeling only too well. The addiction to gamble brought me to my knees and I do not have an addictive personality, it wrecked 25 years of my life and although I was a strong person it made me weak and pathetic.
I hope you will keep posting but above all I hope you will take each day at a time and control the problem that you have defeated for such long.
I salute you JD and I wish you well
VelvetHello Brian and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Jb
I have read and re-read your posts and I am anxious to give you a reply that is well thought out and can give you the support that you deserve.
Unfortunately I think it will not be before tomorrow morning before I can sit down and give you my full attention.It would be wrong of me to rush out a few sentences however well-meaning but I wanted you to know that not only have you been heard but you are being thought about and cared about.
Velvet
<
Hello Jb
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
Hi Nm
Well I got muddled between the threads last night and had to move my reply from one to the other this morning, so I hope we can stick with this one.
It is very common that CGs do not share because they do not think that F&F can understand them. I don’t fully understand the addiction to gamble but I have studied it enough to know that knowledge given to F&F helps them cope and when F&F cope better they can do the right thing for their loved ones. In shutting you out, your boyfriend is denying you the ability to understand anything and that is not helping you – or him. Possibly if you had a crystal ball you would be able to relax but as you are being kept in the dark it means you are still very much on edge.
The point that is often missed is that most CGs do not and cannot understand F&F and therein lies the problem. He thinks you don’t understand so he won’t share with you. You would be able to cope better if he let you in because you can understand when things are explained.
Communication is so important in recovery and your boyfriend is not communicating.
When he is calm maybe you could ask him what brought his anger on so quickly and was there anything that could have been done to prevent it. Unfortunately I suspect he may well tell you that it was you that was to blame which again makes reasonable conversation hard. If he does say that you are to blame then maybe you could suggest that he puts the situation that occurred to the Helpline here, or to his rehab and ask them what they would have done in the same situation.
I can only make suggestions Nm, I cannot tell you what to do or that everything will be alright if you do (a) or (b) but if my CG had behaved as yours did I think I would have held up my hands up and said ‘whoa – this is the reason I want you to talk to me because I don’t understand what is going on here and this is hurting me’.
Do you have family that you can share this problem with?
Keep posting
Velvet
