[velvet]

Hi Stacey
I am very sorry to hear that your partner has not been offered a place on the GMA programme but for whatever reason all is not lost.
GT is not involved in any way with the assessment process for GMA. If your partner has not already been informed why it was felt that he was not ready for the programme at this time, then he can contact them directly and ask them any questions that he has. There is nothing in this respect that you can do.
I will write again soon and I hope you will keep posting.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi NM
As I have said in previous posts if you allow fear to govern your life you will not be able to cope which isn’t helping you or your boyfriend.
Most people get down at some time or another; it could be the weather, a nagging pain or a perceived slight from an acquaintance. Controlling an addiction cause ups and down of emotions and moods because it is very difficult and takes great courage to achieve. If your boyfriend is gambling then it is likely that he will be angry and moody when you mention gambling – but consider this – if he is not gambling, then his heart must sink into his boots when every time he feels a bit down, your first reaction is to ask him about gambling. I can’t think of a caring way you could mention gambling if your boyfriend is struggling with his addiction or feeling a bit blue (for whatever reason).
CGs trusting F&F can take a lot longer than F&F trusting CGs which is why this site, GA, dedicated counsellors and therapists are good. . Do you have a Gamanon group near you, if so it would probably help you a lot to join.
You cannot save your boyfriend; you can only look to your own emotions and save yourself. What you wish is your wish – not his. If he doesn’t want to come on this site or go to GA then allow him to use the tools he got in rehab. He is allowing you to handle his finances and he is saving. He is very understanding when he says that he gets what you feel with his track record. However if he is trying to control his addiction then his track record is immaterial, it belongs in yesterday.
Keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Saloma
I sincerely hope you have found the place where the hand of friendship will help you get through the difficult times ahead.
The first thing to do is to stop being sad and cross that maybe you unwittingly enabled your son’s addiction. Your son didn’t want you to know what he was doing because his addiction thrives on secrecy but knowledge of his addiction will give you the strength to fight it and that knowledge is here. My CG told to me after I had unwittingly enabled him for 23 years, ‘you never stood a chance’. Well with knowledge Saloma you do stand a great chance.
I know the addiction makes the gambler feel disappointed and angry but I am not sure I can agree that it is because they feel they have let everyone down, I suspect he is more upset that he has lost again and is another mess because of it. He probably believed that one small bet wouldn’t matter but a CG doesn’t stop with one bet because it isn’t the money that excites their minds, it is the gamble itself.
I hope you will be able to pop into the F&F only group on Tuesday evening 20.00-21.00 hours UK time where we can communicate in real time, nothing said in the group appears on the forum but time spent with those who understand can make insurmountable problems become easier.
I am going to leave this first reply to you there because I wrote the above this morning meaning to come back and write a lot more but have been distracted since and now you have written again.
You are strong enough because it is your strength your son needs and you will be amazed at the backbone of steel a mother has.
I will write again soon, I just want you to know you are being heard and understood.
Keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Saloma

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Dchoye
Thank you for coming back and updating – it is so good for F&F to hear about wondeful recoveries.
I have read and re-read your post and you have put a smile on my face that will last for hours – thank you
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi NM
I can hear and understand your conflict. He is falling asleep at work and not making contact as he appears to have done in the past when he was not necessarily gambling.
He seems to be doing well with you managing and saving his paychecks and maybe he is telling the truth when he says he has fallen asleep etc., but I would struggle with the behaviour you have described. Of course I also struggled with some fear and doubt in the early days and it does take a long time NM to fully trust again but it is possible with a few simple changes to your lives to improve your relationship now.
Determine not to live in fear of the addiction’s shadow because your life will be diminished if you allow fear to take over and you will not be able to enjoy your relationship which will affect both of you. I suggest you ask for some thoughtful support such as a simple answer when you phone or a call back to set your mind at rest so that you can be the happy bunny he would like to see when he comes home. It is, of course, important not to overdo the calls, you don’t want to sound as though you are constantly checking up and also to remember that sometimes people are asleep or very busy or they have even, (like me), not noticed the battery has run-down!
Keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Stacey
You are not going crazy Stacey – far from it. One thing I am sure of is that you will cope and I will do everything I can to help you do so.
I will try and answer some of your concerns and then I want you to sit down with a cup (or glass) of whatever you enjoy the best, breathe deeply and just deal with ‘today’ because worrying about ‘tomorrow’ will not help you sleep or care for your children. If he is accepted on the course it will be how you behave that will make the world a safe place for them.
The programme works if the CG dedicates himself to it and the best way to get strong dedication is that those who love them wish them well and don’t fall apart or over-stress about the time apart. It is the unknown that you are afraid of but all the unknowns are in tomorrow and you can ‘only’ worry about ‘today’. Today you are happy, so enjoy today.
The time away, in my view, is a drop in the ocean compared to a life-time struggle with an addiction.
I am not going to write about when he is away because that is in ‘tomorrow’ so for tonight I just want you to be happy. When he is accepted I will walk with you for the whole programme and it is then that we can deal with every ‘what if’ as it happens.
As I have said to you before I hear the strength in your posts which is just what your CG needs.
I feel I have to warn you that your CGs addictive behaviour might (and I do only mean ‘might’) get worse before he starts the programme. The final scream of the addiction, as it fights for it’s survival, is not general but it is not unknown.
I hope to hear good news soon but in the meantime look after you and your children.
Thinking about you
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Elne and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi NM
I can’t tell you what to do but it seems to me that you want to hear that your boyfriend is not gambling which suggests to me that you already knew the answer but wished that you didn’t.
I don’t believe you should live in fear and I really wish I could say that I found your boyfriend’s behaviour acceptable but I don’t.
Keep posting – maybe write what your boyfriend says when he surfaces but remember to listen to and watch his behaviour. Only you can make informed decisions about your life – but sharing your thoughts and gaining knowledge of the addiction will make difficult decisions easier.
I am sorry you didn’t pop into the F&F group this week; it is so good to talk in real time. Our Helpline is there for you as well, it is one-to-one and private. Use our support NM, you are understood here.
Thinking about you and wishing you well
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Goldenluck and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi P
I am pleased that your CG is at least showing you his letters and handy books, many CGs don’t want to share anything on their return from meetings.
You have reminded me a strange feeling I had when my CG changed his life. I felt I had bent over backwards and done everything I could to support him in his determination to live a gamble-free life – but he talked about a support worker all the time who had been the person who had given him the tools to change that I had not known how to give him. It wasn’t jealousy I felt because I would not have minded if a singing octopus with a pink wig and wearing a mini skirt with bells on had given him the tools to change, as long as he had found his salvation. I was more a feeling of loneliness and exclusion.
Your CG is texting other people, people you don’t know, and he says it is because they understand him. I want you to know that this is the right and natural progress for a CG who wants to live gamble-free but more importantly that ‘you’ and how ‘you’ feel is important too. I know how hard it is to live with a person with the addiction to gamble and who has made the decision not to walk away. It is why, I believe, that those who live with a CG who has changed his/her life need support just, as much, if not more, than they ever did before.
Keep posting, keep listening but gradually let him know that you want to try and understand more. It takes time and often quite a long time but I believe that those who control their addiction can use their experience to help others and you can understand so much more than ever seemed possible.
It is incredibly frustrating – but for me and for many that I know the effort has been worthwhile.
In the meantime look after yourself first. Your CG’s fight to control his addiction will probably seem a selfish fight so allow yourself to be a little selfish too especially at this important time. Make sure that every day you have some ‘me’ time because you deserve it.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Caden and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Lambeau
Abstention is not a cure – taking control of an addiction is to change ones life and it is not easy. Many CGs who believe that abstinence alone is enough will often slip. Pathological gamblers must continue to use money and while they stop gambling with it, uncertainty and risk continue to be part of their lives. They have to learn to manage their lives and handle money, not just abstain from gambling. When a CG takes a leap of faith and determines to live in control of his/her addiction they need the right support so it is good that your CG has returned to GA after his slip,
You cannot save your CG, only he can do that. Ultimatums seldom work; if your CG has not got his heart and mind set on change then no ultimatum will make any difference, however, I am glad to hear that he appeared to want to go to GA.
The addiction to gamble makes people depressed, it is an addiction of failure and constant failure makes life hard. The usual way for an active CG to feel better is to gamble but your CG is trying to stop using gambling as an escape. Because he slipped he probably felt disappointed and worthless but he still did the right thing and returned to GA where he is among those who understand him – and that is good.
There is a big difference, in my opinion, between the way F&F cope with the active CG and way they cope with the CG who wants to take control of his/her life. There might still be some lies for a while, there will still be worry, there will still be doubt but if a CG says, ‘I want to be a better person’ then I believe it is better to support by listening without advising and imposing rules. Allow GA to be the guide and support the CG. Let him tell you about his meeting and be interested – but also try and understand if he wants to be quiet about what transpired because he will be digging deep into himself and may not be ready to share.
Keep posting Lambeau, the more knowledge you have of the addiction the better you will cope. Maybe if he is 100 years old he might be too far gone but I believe a CG can change his or her life at any age or I wouldn’t be here.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Lambeau
I’m sorry I haven’t had time to write to you today as you have done so well starting your thread. I hope tomorrow afternoon to be able to give you the full response your post deserves.
Controlling the addiction to gamble is so hard but your CG has done well admitting to you that he has slipped up – a slip need not be a negative thing – working through a slip can make a CG stronger for the future. I understand your reaction but I also understand his.
You are hurt and disappointed, you possibly believed that by going to GA he was on the final stretch towards controlling his addiction and you feel he has let you down. I imagine your CG thought that he was on the way to recovery too too and I would imagine he is very disappointed with himself. Your understandable reaction was to walk away and his appears to be to say that you have not understood so he will fight his battle alone.
I hope you will stick with this forum for a while because there is a lot to say. Both your reactions were understandable. I really would like more time to express myself better but in the meantime it is more important to listen than to judge when a CG has started the fight to control a terrible addiction.
If you get the chance maybe you could ask him to help you understand. When you speak to him try and not ask questions or tell him what it is that you want but enjoy talking about what he wants to talk about. He is possibly feeling very lost and frightened.
Early recovery is a very difficult time for CGs and F&F. Trust is in short supply on both sides but it can be rebuilt. I would not be writing to you now if I did not know that the compulsion to gamble could not be controlled so I hope hearing that helps.
Just as you are worried and devastated, he probably is too. I will write more tomorrow but look after yourself and think and talk about anything but gambling, see friends, enjoy hobbies. I don’t have a crystal ball so I cannot know what your outcome will be but if you are willing to stand by him and not enable him financially, then you will be giving him the finest support.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Red
As promised I have brought up my thread on ‘siblings’ for you – I hope it helps.
I have just written to P outlining the way of coping with the beast that is gambling but I told you I would let you know the method too, some of it will be the same as P but I do try and write uniquely to every individual.
The beast is the addiction and it is in the room every time you talk to your son. As long as you are not questioning him about his gambling or suggesting ways he could/should change he will be easier to talk to.
Conditions rarely work – my CG told me that whereas my need was for him to stop lying and hurting me, his need was to gamble. I hope the following will help you.
Imagine your son’s addiction is a slavering beast in the corner of the room. Every time you speak to him, his addiction is awake, poised and ready to jump – but as long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten it, it will stay in the corner, growling quietly – but never forget, it is always there and listening.
The good news is that although your son is controlled by his addiction, you are not; you can gain knowledge and be one step ahead. When you threaten his addiction with conditions, his addiction will leap between you and control the conversation, probably turning it into an argument. His addiction is the master of threats and manipulation but you are not and nor do you want, or need, to be. Once the addiction beast is between you, you will not hear your son, you will only hear his addiction – and because it knows only lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. In turn, when you speak to your son, his addiction is distorting your words, drastically altering reality to fit his personal perception – he will not be able to comprehend your meaning.
My CG explained this to me. The addiction to gamble is an addiction of constant failure and misery so your son really believes (whatever you say) that he is completely worthless. Because he ‘believes’ he is no good, it follows that you must be lying when you tell him you love him, or that his life would be better if he stopped gambling – why would you love someone so worthless? Believing himself to be without worth your son will fight back with distortion and deception because sadly, at the moment, he doesn’t have or know any other coping mechanism.
In my opinion, you could be wasting valuable energy trying to believe that for now, while he is being heavily influenced (it appears) by another, your son will be different. I believe it would be good, although really difficult, to try and ‘not’ believe him at the moment because in doing so you will become receptive. Stand back a bit and listen to what he is saying – hopefully it will become easier to stay out of an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side, the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
I hope the plan for this weekend goes ahead. I hope you and your son will communicate and I further hope that beneath all the bravado he is aware that his father’s way of life is not the best way, although I suggest it is best not to compare them in any way.
Children see more than parents imagine but they would struggle to see the whole picture. A child with the addiction to gamble is of course unable to communicate well – they have a terrible addiction that they feel needs to be protected but the other children are often the wreckage that accompanies the addiction – they see and they make judgements based on how it affects them and their place in the hierarchy. I think it is an incredibly difficult balancing act.
Keep posting and keep sending those texts
I wish you and all your children well
Velvet

[Author]

Posts