[velvet]

Hello What Do I Do and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Mariairene
Please start you own thread and/or pop into the F&F group. All support is tailored to the specific problem. I can’t answer you on somebody else’s thread but I would be delighted to support you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Lambeau
Obviously different people have different reactions to the addiction to gamble but I do know that many CGs have a problem with intimacy. Many members and F&F I have talked to have spooken about the lack of intimacy since the addiction to gamble took hold. Imagine your CG’s head is full of sand and there is room for anything else – it is often like that with addiction – there is no space for everyday normal thoughts and activities. It is why CGs require the right treatment to control their addition, they have to learn to tip some of the sand (addiction) out, leaving room for decent, normal, honest thought – including showing love and intimacy.

Many F&F become concerned about the amount of porn that appears in the CG life which is often introduced because the CG is concerned about their lack of libido – such a lack is often felt to be just another form of failure instead of being part of the addictive thinking.

Your CG has recognised that he has an addiction and he is trying, or has tried, to control it – this can result in tremendous feelings of guilt which can affect intimacy. When he controls his addiction, hopefully he will learn to control his feelings of guilt too and worries about his sexual prowess will disappear.

I don’t think you are making excuses for your worry but I do believe that careful discussion is needed.

I am hoping you will pop into the group tomorrow because this is easier to discuss privately.

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Lambeau
By starting another thread, members and staff don’t always know that you already got a thread running and it is easy for information to be lost so I will reply to you here but bring up your original thread and put the same reply on that to keep your journal running.
Obviously different people have different reactions to the addiction to gamble but I do know that many CGs have a problem with intimacy. Many members and F&F I have known have talked about lack of intimacy since the addiction to gamble took hold. Imagine your CG’s head is full of sand and there is room for anything else – it is often like that with addiction – there is no space for everyday normal thoughts and activities. It is why CGs require the right treatment to control their addition, they have to learn to tip some of the sand (addiction) out, leaving room for decent, normal, honest thought – including showing love and intimacy.
Many F&F become concerned about the amount of porn that appears in the CG life which is often introduced because the CG is concerned about their lack of libido – such a lack is often felt to be just another form of failure instead of being part of the addictive thinking.
Your CG has recognised that he has an addiction and he is trying or has tried to control it – this can result in tremendous feelings of guilt which can affect intimacy. When he controls his addiction, hopefully he will learn to control his feelings of guilt too and worries about his sexual prowess will disappear.
I don’t think you are making excuses for your worry but I do believe that careful discussion is needed.
I am hoping you will pop into the group tomorrow because this is easier to discuss privately.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Cathy
Its good to see your thread at the top again. I still think of you every Tuesday as the group clocks off and I say the Serenity Prayer.
It would be great one day if your time zone allowed us to talk in real time but in the meantime please keep posting and focusing on your life.
It s funny how our thoughts cross the miles – Vera when she sees a young man in GA and me every Tuesday. There are many good things to celebrate as a result of this site and Gamanon..
V

[velvet]

Hi Tnkerbell
I’m sorry you got the impression that I thought your boyfriend was a bad man because I am very, very aware that good people have the addiction to gamble – the sad thing is that they do terrible things as a result of the addiction and it is the addiction that doesn’t like to be thwarted and can turn good people into the ****holes that Charles mentioned.
You are very mature when you understand why he has turned to someone else – I know of many CGs who have left good relationships for someone willing to enable or (as you put it offer it on a plate) when enablement has stopped – but enablement will always be wrong. You tried to show him by withdrawing into yourself what he would lose and he either unwillingly or unwittingly mistook your motive.
I can’t really comment on the facebook problem as I personally do not do or like facebook. If she is enabling him then she will have to find her own way to deal with it because enablement feeds the addiction and the longer it goes on, the bigger it gets.
Unfortunately (or fortunately, I’m not sure which) crystal balls are not available so I cannot know your boyfriend’s outcome. What I do know from reading your posts is that you are a caring loving person who deserves to be cared for and loved and I hope you will keep seeing your good friends and focusing on yourself.
You asked how long gambling affected Charles’s life and I will tell you that it affected my CGs life for 25 years but he now lives in control of his addiction and is happy, healthy, kind and understanding. I believe that because I unwittingly enabled for 23 of those years it probably took him longer to reach the point where he had had enough. Losing you hopefully will bring your boyfriend to that point quicker.
As Charles so rightly says you can get past this.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Soloma
I’m sorry you didn’t make the group, there was another two mums in and it would have been great for you to talk to each other, however, I know life gets in the way.
I hope Worriedmama will come back to you soon but in the meantime I will answer your question as best I can and that is that it is often best not to believe what your son says simply because believing makes you more vulnerable and each let-down is more painful. With this addiction the expression ‘actions speak louder than words’ certainly applies. CGs are the masters of manipulation and words ***** for little.
You have written that he has started to put things in place and maybe these are the actions that are giving you hope. What is he doing that is different?
If your son is a CG, as you believe, then he will always be a CG but he can control his addiction and live the most wonderful gamble-free life. Likewise if he is a CG he does need the right treatment which can be found on this site, in GA or in GMA.
If you have read Worriedmama’s thread then you will have read my analogy of the addiction being a beast – it has worked for so many and helped many to realise the importance of looking after yourself.
Do you have other children? There is no need to reply but I have a thread entitled ‘Siblings’ which might help and is not far down the forum list. I also have a thread entitled ‘the F&F Cycle’ which have brought up for you which will hopefully help you realise how easy it is for F&F to become bound up in the addiction and unwittingly enable the CG.
I hope you will keep posting and please talk about ‘you’ because you matter and even though you cannot save your son you can make a big difference to the choice he makes.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hej Soloma Jeg er ked af, at du ikke kom med i gruppen, der var en anden mor i, og det ville have været fantastisk for dig at tale med hinanden, men jeg ved, at livet kommer i vejen. Jeg håber, at Worriedmama snart vender tilbage til dig, men i mellemtiden vil jeg besvare dit spørgsmål så godt jeg kan, og det er, at det ofte er bedst ikke at tro på, hvad din søn siger, simpelthen fordi at tro gør dig mere sårbar, og hver nedtur er mere smertefuldt. Med denne afhængighed gælder udtrykket 'handlinger, der taler højere end ord', bestemt. CG'er er mestre i manipulation og ord ***** for lidt. Du har skrevet, at han er begyndt at sætte tingene på plads, og måske er det de handlinger, der giver dig håb. Hvad gør han, der er anderledes? Hvis din søn er en CG, som du tror, så vil han altid være en CG, men han kan kontrollere sin afhængighed og leve det mest vidunderlige liv. På samme måde, hvis han er en CG, har han brug for den rigtige behandling, som kan findes på dette websted, i GA eller i GMA. Hvis du har læst Worriedmamas tråd, vil du have hørt min analogi om, at afhængigheden er et dyr – det har fungeret for så mange og hjulpet mange til at indse vigtigheden af at passe på dig selv. Har du andre børn? Der er ingen grund til at svare, men jeg har en tråd med titlen 'Søskende', som kan hjælpe og er ikke langt ned på forumlisten. Jeg har også en tråd med titlen 'F & F -cyklen', som jeg har bragt for dig, som forhåbentlig vil hjælpe dig med at indse, hvor let det er for F&F at blive bundet til afhængigheden og ubevidst aktivere CG. Jeg håber, at du vil blive ved med at skrive og snakke om 'dig', fordi du er vigtig, og selvom du ikke kan redde din søn, kan du gøre en stor forskel for det valg, han træffer. Tal snart fløjl

[velvet]

Hi Soloma Jiddispjaċini li ma għamiltx il-grupp, kien hemm omm oħra u kien ikun tajjeb għalik li tkellem lil xulxin, madankollu, naf li l-ħajja tfixkel. Nispera li Worriedmama terġa 'tiġi għandek malajr imma sadanittant inwieġeb il-mistoqsija tiegħek kemm nista' u li spiss huwa l-aħjar li ma temminx dak li jgħid ibnek sempliċement għax li temmen tagħmlek aktar vulnerabbli u kull let-down huwa aktar bl-uġigħ. B'din id-dipendenza ċertament tapplika l-espressjoni 'azzjonijiet jitkellmu iktar mill-kliem'. Is-CGs huma s-sidien tal-manipulazzjoni u l-kliem ***** għal ftit. Int ktibt li beda jpoġġi l-affarijiet f'posthom u forsi dawn huma l-azzjonijiet li qed jagħtuk tama. X'qed jagħmel hu differenti? Jekk ibnek huwa CG, kif temmen int, allura hu dejjem ikun CG imma jista 'jikkontrolla l-vizzju tiegħu u jgħix l-isbaħ ħajja. Bl-istess mod jekk huwa CG għandu bżonn it-trattament it-tajjeb li jista 'jinstab f'dan is-sit, f'AG jew f'GMA. Jekk qrajt il-ħajta ta 'Worriedmama allura tkun smajt l-analoġija tiegħi li l-vizzju huwa kruha – ħadmet għal ħafna u għen lil bosta biex jirrealizzaw l-importanza li tieħu ħsieb tiegħek innifsek. Għandek tfal oħra? M'hemmx bżonn li nwieġbu imma għandi thread intitolata 'Aħwa' li tista 'tgħin u mhix' il bogħod mil-lista tal-forum. Għandi wkoll thread intitolat "iċ-Ċiklu F&F" li ġibt għalik li nisperaw jgħinek tirrealizza kemm huwa faċli għal F&F li jintrabtu fil-vizzju u bla ma jixtiequ jippermettu s-CG. Nispera li tibqa 'tibgħat u jekk jogħġbok tkellem dwar' int 'għax int importanti u għalkemm ma tistax issalva lil ibnek tista' tagħmel differenza kbira fl-għażla li jagħmel. Tkellem dalwaqt Velvet

[velvet]

Hej Soloma Jag är ledsen att du inte kom med i gruppen, det var en mamma till och det hade varit bra för dig att prata med varandra, men jag vet att livet kommer i vägen. Jag hoppas att Worriedmama snart kommer tillbaka till dig men under tiden kommer jag att svara på din fråga så gott jag kan och det är att det ofta är bäst att inte tro vad din son säger helt enkelt för att tro gör dig mer sårbar och varje nedsläpp är mer smärtsamt. Med denna missbruk gäller verkligen uttrycket "handlingar talar högre än ord". CG är mästare i manipulation och ord ***** för lite. Du har skrivit att han har börjat sätta saker på plats och kanske är det de handlingarna som ger dig hopp. Vad gör han som är annorlunda? Om din son är en CG, som du tror, kommer han alltid att vara en CG men han kan kontrollera sitt beroende och leva det underbaraste livet. Likaså om han är en CG behöver han rätt behandling som kan hittas på denna webbplats, i GA eller i GMA. Om du har läst Worriedmamas tråd så har du hört min analogi av att missbruket är ett odjur – det har fungerat för så många och hjälpt många att inse vikten av att ta hand om sig själv. Har du andra barn? Det finns inget behov av att svara men jag har en tråd med titeln 'Syskon' som kan hjälpa och ligger inte långt ner på forumlistan. Jag har också en tråd med titeln 'F & F -cykeln' som jag tagit upp för dig som förhoppningsvis hjälper dig att inse hur lätt det är för F&F att bli bunden i missbruket och omedvetet aktivera CG. Jag hoppas att du kommer att fortsätta att publicera och snälla prata om "du" eftersom du spelar roll och även om du inte kan rädda din son kan du göra stor skillnad för det val han gör. Tala snart sammet

[velvet]

हाय सोलोमा मुझे खेद है कि आपने समूह नहीं बनाया, इसमें एक और माँ थी और आपके लिए एक-दूसरे से बात करना बहुत अच्छा होता, हालाँकि, मुझे पता है कि जीवन रास्ते में आता है। मुझे आशा है कि वोरीडममा जल्द ही आपके पास वापस आएगी, लेकिन इस बीच मैं आपके प्रश्न का सबसे अच्छा उत्तर दूंगा और वह यह है कि अक्सर यह सबसे अच्छा होता है कि आपका बेटा जो कहता है उस पर विश्वास न करें, क्योंकि विश्वास करना आपको अधिक कमजोर बनाता है और प्रत्येक लेट डाउन होता है अधिक दर्दनाक। इस लत के साथ 'कार्य शब्दों से अधिक जोर से बोलते हैं' अभिव्यक्ति निश्चित रूप से लागू होती है। सीजी हेरफेर के उस्ताद हैं और शब्द ***** थोड़े से हैं। आपने लिखा है कि उसने चीजों को जगह देना शुरू कर दिया है और शायद यही वो हरकतें हैं जो आपको उम्मीद दे रही हैं। वह क्या कर रहा है यह अलग है? यदि आपका बेटा सीजी है, जैसा कि आप मानते हैं, तो वह हमेशा सीजी रहेगा लेकिन वह अपनी लत को नियंत्रित कर सकता है और सबसे शानदार जीवन जी सकता है। इसी तरह यदि वह एक सीजी है तो उसे सही उपचार की आवश्यकता है जो इस साइट पर, जीए या जीएमए में पाया जा सकता है। अगर आपने वोरिदमामा के सूत्र को पढ़ा है तो आपने मेरी व्यसन के एक जानवर होने की उपमा सुनी होगी – इसने बहुतों के लिए काम किया है और कई लोगों को खुद की देखभाल करने के महत्व को महसूस करने में मदद की है। क्या आपके अन्य बच्चे हैं? उत्तर देने की कोई आवश्यकता नहीं है, लेकिन मेरे पास 'भाई-बहन' नामक एक सूत्र है जो मदद कर सकता है और फ़ोरम सूची से बहुत नीचे नहीं है। मेरे पास 'द एफ एंड एफ साइकिल' नामक एक थ्रेड भी है जो मैं आपके लिए लाया हूं जो उम्मीद है कि आपको यह महसूस करने में मदद मिलेगी कि एफ एंड एफ के लिए लत में बंधे रहना और अनजाने में सीजी को सक्षम करना कितना आसान है। मुझे आशा है कि आप पोस्ट करते रहेंगे और कृपया 'आप' के बारे में बात करें क्योंकि आप मायने रखते हैं और भले ही आप अपने बेटे को नहीं बचा सकते हैं, लेकिन आप उसके द्वारा किए गए चुनाव में एक बड़ा बदलाव ला सकते हैं। जल्दी बोलो

[velvet]

Γεια σου Soloma λυπάμαι που δεν φτιάξατε την ομάδα, ήταν μια άλλη μαμά μέσα και θα ήταν υπέροχο για εσάς να μιλήσετε μεταξύ τους, ωστόσο, ξέρω ότι η ζωή παρεμποδίζει. Ελπίζω ότι το Worriedmama θα επιστρέψει κοντά σας σύντομα, αλλά εν τω μεταξύ θα απαντήσω στην ερώτησή σας όσο καλύτερα μπορώ και αυτό είναι ότι είναι συχνά καλύτερο να μην πιστεύετε αυτό που λέει ο γιος σας απλά επειδή το να πιστεύετε σας κάνει πιο ευάλωτους και κάθε απογοήτευση είναι πιο οδυνηρο. Με αυτόν τον εθισμό ισχύει σίγουρα η έκφραση «οι πράξεις μιλούν πιο δυνατά από τα λόγια». Οι CG είναι οι κυρίαρχοι της χειραγώγησης και των λέξεων ***** για λίγο. Έχετε γράψει ότι έχει αρχίσει να βάζει τα πράγματα στη θέση τους και ίσως αυτές να είναι οι ενέργειες που σας δίνουν ελπίδα. Τι κάνει είναι διαφορετικό; Εάν ο γιος σας είναι CG, όπως πιστεύετε, τότε θα είναι πάντα CG, αλλά μπορεί να ελέγξει τον εθισμό του και να ζήσει την πιο υπέροχη ζωή. Ομοίως, εάν είναι ΓΓ χρειάζεται πραγματικά τη σωστή θεραπεία που μπορεί να βρεθεί σε αυτόν τον ιστότοπο, στο GA ή στο GMA. Εάν έχετε διαβάσει το νήμα του Worriedmama, τότε θα έχετε ακούσει την παρομοίωσή μου ότι ο εθισμός είναι κτήνος – έχει δουλέψει για πολλούς και βοήθησε πολλούς να συνειδητοποιήσουν τη σημασία του να φροντίζεις τον εαυτό σου. Έχετε άλλα παιδιά; Δεν χρειάζεται να απαντήσω, αλλά έχω ένα νήμα με τίτλο «Αδέλφια» που μπορεί να βοηθήσει και δεν βρίσκεται πολύ κάτω από τη λίστα του φόρουμ. Έχω επίσης ένα νήμα με τίτλο «Ο κύκλος F&F» που έθεσα για εσάς και ελπίζω να σας βοηθήσει να συνειδητοποιήσετε πόσο εύκολο είναι για τους F&F να δεσμευτούν στον εθισμό και να ενεργοποιήσουν άθελά τους το CG. Ελπίζω ότι θα συνεχίσετε να δημοσιεύετε και παρακαλώ να μιλάτε για το «εσείς» επειδή έχετε σημασία και παρόλο που δεν μπορείτε να σώσετε τον γιο σας, μπορείτε να κάνετε τη μεγάλη διαφορά στην επιλογή που κάνει. Μίλα σύντομα Velvet

[velvet]

Olá Soloma, sinto muito por você não ter feito parte do grupo, havia outra mãe e teria sido ótimo para vocês conversarem, no entanto, sei que a vida atrapalha. Espero que Worriedmama volte para você em breve, mas enquanto isso responderei à sua pergunta da melhor maneira que puder e que muitas vezes é melhor não acreditar no que seu filho diz simplesmente porque acreditar torna você mais vulnerável e cada decepção é mais doloroso. Com esse vício, a expressão 'ações falam mais alto que palavras' certamente se aplica. CGs são os mestres da manipulação e das palavras para pouco. Você escreveu que ele começou a colocar as coisas no lugar e talvez essas sejam as ações que estão lhe dando esperança. O que ele está fazendo de diferente? Se seu filho for um CG, como você acredita, ele sempre será um CG, mas pode controlar seu vício e viver a vida mais maravilhosa. Da mesma forma, se ele for CG, precisa do tratamento adequado que pode ser encontrado neste site, no GA ou no GMA. Se você leu o tópico de Worriedmama, deve ter ouvido minha analogia do vício sendo uma besta – funcionou para muitos e ajudou muitos a perceber a importância de cuidar de si mesmo. Você tem outros filhos? Não há necessidade de responder, mas tenho um tópico intitulado 'Irmãos' que pode ajudar e não está muito longe na lista do fórum. Eu também tenho um tópico intitulado 'the F&F Cycle' que eu mencionei para você que irá ajudá-lo a perceber como é fácil para a F&F se envolver no vício e involuntariamente ativar o CG. Eu espero que você continue postando e por favor fale sobre 'você' porque você é importante e mesmo que você não possa salvar seu filho, você pode fazer uma grande diferença na escolha que ele faz. Fala logo veludo

[velvet]

Salut Soloma, je suis désolé que tu n'aies pas fait partie du groupe, il y avait une autre maman et ça aurait été super que vous vous parliez, cependant, je sais que la vie fait obstacle. J'espère que Worriedmama reviendra bientôt vers vous mais en attendant je répondrai à votre question du mieux que je peux et c'est qu'il est souvent préférable de ne pas croire ce que dit votre fils simplement parce que croire vous rend plus vulnérable et chaque déception est plus douloureux. Avec cette dépendance, l'expression « les actions parlent plus fort que les mots » s'applique certainement. Les CG sont les maîtres de la manipulation et des mots ***** pour peu. Vous avez écrit qu'il a commencé à mettre les choses en place et ce sont peut-être ces actions qui vous redonnent espoir. Que fait-il de différent ? Si votre fils est un CG, comme vous le croyez, alors il sera toujours un CG mais il peut contrôler sa dépendance et vivre la vie la plus merveilleuse. De même s'il est un CG il a besoin du bon traitement qui peut être trouvé sur ce site, en GA ou en GMA. Si vous avez lu le fil de Worriedmama, vous aurez entendu mon analogie selon laquelle la dépendance est une bête – cela a fonctionné pour beaucoup et a aidé beaucoup à réaliser l'importance de prendre soin de soi. Avez-vous d'autres enfants ? Il n'y a pas besoin de répondre mais j'ai un fil intitulé 'Sœurs' qui pourrait aider et qui n'est pas loin dans la liste du forum. J'ai également un fil intitulé « le cycle F&F » que j'ai évoqué pour vous et qui, espérons-le, vous aidera à réaliser à quel point il est facile pour F&F de s'impliquer dans la dépendance et d'activer involontairement le CG. J'espère que vous continuerez à poster et s'il vous plaît parlez de « vous » parce que vous comptez et même si vous ne pouvez pas sauver votre fils, vous pouvez faire une grande différence dans le choix qu'il fait. A bientôt Velours

[velvet]

Hi Soloma
I’m sorry you didn’t make the group, there was another mum in and it would have been great for you to talk to each other, however, I know life gets in the way.
I hope Worriedmama will come back to you soon but in the meantime I will answer your question as best I can and that is that it is often best not to believe what your son says simply because believing makes you more vulnerable and each let-down is more painful. With this addiction the expression ‘actions speak louder than words’ certainly applies. CGs are the masters of manipulation and words ***** for little.
You have written that he has started to put things in place and maybe these are the actions that are giving you hope. What is he doing that is different?
If your son is a CG, as you believe, then he will always be a CG but he can control his addiction and live the most wonderful life. Likewise if he is a CG he does need the right treatment which can be found on this site, in GA or in GMA.
If you have read Worriedmama’s thread then you will have heard my analogy of the addiction being a beast – it has worked for so many and helped many to realise the importance of looking after yourself.
Do you have other children? There is no need to reply but I have a thread entitled ‘Siblings’ which might help and is not far down the forum list. I also have a thread entitled ‘the F&F Cycle’ which I have brought up for you which will hopefully help you realise how easy it is for F&F to become bound up in the addiction and unwittingly enable the CG.
I hope you will keep posting and please talk about ‘you’ because you matter and even though you cannot save your son you can make a big difference to the choice he makes.
Speak soon
Velvet

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