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Dear San
I nearly wrote to you the other day and then I thought ‘no she isn’t looking anymore’ and then here you are!
It was surprised/happy/hopeful/pleased to see your name pop up and then I read your post…..!
I can’t remember the exact number but I remember learning that there are at least something like 10 people affected by the addiction to gamble and I know that siblings are high on the list of people affected. ‘I wrote my thread ‘siblings’ some time ago and I have brought it up for you – a couple of replies are worth reading
I know that nobody mentions another sibling becoming a CG but there are often terrible fall outs as a result of the addiction which don’t make the forum so I hope you will find the group again and we can ‘talk’ one-to-one.
In case you don’t make it to the group in half an hour – how is your partner’s health and yours?
Fingers crossed I get to ‘meet’ you again but I must eat first.
I will leave it there for now San
VHi Mabel
It doesn’t sound corny and maybe your new love is going to be your soul-mate but it might be that you have thrown too much into your relationship too quickly. I cannot tell you what to do but I would suggest a period of time in which to reflect on what has happened and to learn about compulsive gambling because knowledge of your boyfriend’s addiction will help you cope and enable you to make the right decisions for you and your three children who depend on your protection.
I cannot tell you to stay or to walk away because all decisions must be yours. Personally, if it was me I would not move in with your boyfriend while he is trying to control his addiction. A CG needs to give his whole heart and mind over to controlling his addiction if he wants to change his life and live gamble-free – which means he must be selfish and look after himself first. Taking on the responsibility of a girlfriend and her children is difficult at the best of times but this does not seem to be to be the time for him to be making such a commitment. He will not be in a position to trust himself for a long time.
I suggest you keep posting and learn about the addiction because knowledge will give you power over it. While you are not ‘thinking straight’ give your energies over to giving your children the best Christmas they can have with limited finances. It is not uncommon for monies lost to a gambling addiction never to be seen again so maybe it is best that you believe it to be gone forever and put losing it down to an experience to avoid in the future.
I hope you can encourage him to keep attending GA and getting CBT whilst perhaps holding back a little on the pace of the relationship. It will be great for for him to know you are supporting him – controlling the addiction takes great courage and I wish him well.
I would not be writing to you if I did not know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result. Turning bad experiences into good is educational for all of us.
Speak soon
VelvetHi NM
I’m pleased that you recognised that sending texts you are not proud of is counter-productive when a CG is trying to change his life. A CG has to learn to trust those around them when trust will has been in short supply, on both sides, for a long time.
Of course I cannot ‘know’ but it seems to me from your post that one action could have triggered another and I don’t know which came first. What do you think? Have you any real evidence that your boyfriend has been gambling again?
With modern methods of communication we hear every day about politicians, media stars, journalists who misconstrue the written or the spoken word, either unwittingly or deliberately, so it isn’t just CGs who struggle with perception – but it is important, in my view, that F&F do not use old behaviour just as they don’t want their CG loved one to use old behaviour.
If your boyfriend owes money to debtors who are being heavy with him of course he will struggle and I suggest you encourage him to talk to debt collection agencies for advice.
As your boyfriend is being worn down by all the worry and work he is doing to repay his debts then maybe he needs more support. Can he talk to an outreach worker from the rehab he was in? I do know that pressure to comply with well meant deals and promises is difficult so I would suggest that telling him he has another week to stick to the plan would not be a good idea. Ultimatums are always best avoided – ‘unless you are 100% positive that you mean to carry the threat to its full conclusion’.
Only you can know how much this is affecting your life and health, which is why it is important that you look after yourself.
Keep posting
Velvet<
Hello Mabel
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
Hi Soloma, Anxiety causes terrible problems and panic attacks –you are doing everything right by regrouping yourself using this site and using any other help you can get.
I’m not sure if you mean by saying ‘staying away from others’ whether you mean friends or family but although this may be an answer in the short term it isn’t good in the long term. Friends talk about things that have nothing to do with gambling and time spent thinking about anything but gambling is good for your mind and soul. Being switched on to one person and his problem 24 hours a day doesn’t help you or him or those around you who love you – and believe you me, I know that not thinking about your son and what he is doing is really hard.
Therein lies a thought, however, which is, that if you are worrying morning, noon and night about what he is doing, short of locking him in and throwing away the key you will not stop him gambling, so how much better it is to look after yourself first and save your energy for you .
Worrying about your son as a person is, of course, hard but he has within him the power to change his life, the ability to control his gambling, and the ability to live a wonderful life. That is the person that is your son and with the right treatment and without enablement you can give him the best support. We believe that from the time they are born we can make everything right for our children but with this addiction, that which we believed to be the right thing to do is often wrong.
Don’t try and second guess your son yet, don’t worry about trusting him yet – it will come. Be careful how you question him when you are feeling uneasy – if he is trying to control his addiction he will want you to trust him but it is far too early to trust in anything apart from the fact that he is trying. It would be naive for you to trust especially when he won’t be able to trust himself for a long time.
One of the hardest things of all is letting go of the way you thought/hoped it would be for your child – his future will be different to anything you dreamed of but it can be wonderfully rewarding too. I know that my CG is and always will be a CG but I trust him completely to protect his gamble-free life, I trust him to live in control of his addition and I love his company and I am happy.
I hope this helps
Velvet
Dear Soloma
Harry thought your post was your first, hence his welcome,
so I will reply to you here but also I will bring up your ongoing thread and repeat my reply on that because multiple threads confuse and information can get lost lost.
Anxiety causes terrible problems and panic attack –you are doing everything right by regrouping yourself using this site and using any other help you can get.
I’m not sure if you mean by saying ‘staying away from others’ whether you mean friends or family but although this may be an answer in the short term it isn’t good in the long term. Friends talk about things that have nothing to do with gambling and time spent thinking about anything but gambling is good for your mind and soul. Being switched on to one person and his problem 24 hours a day doesn’t help you or him or those around you who love you – and believe you me I know that not thinking about your son and what he is doing is really hard.
Therein lies the thought, however, that if it is what your son is doing that is worrying you morning, noon and night then short of locking him in and throwing away the key you will not stop him gambling, so look after yourself first.
Worrying about your son as a person is, of course, hard as well but he has within him the power to change his life, the ability to control his gambling, and the ability to live a wonderful life. That is the person that is your son and with the right treatment and without enablement you can give him the best support. We believe that from the time they are born we can make everything right for our children but with this addiction, that which we believed to be the right thing to do is often wrong.
Don’t try and second guess your son yet, don’t worry about trusting him yet – it will come. Be careful how you question when you are feeling uneasy – if he is trying to control his addiction he will want you to trust him but it is too early to trust in anything apart from the fact that he is trying.
One of the hardest things of all is letting go of the way you thought/hoped it would be for your child – it will be different to anything you dreamed about but it can be wonderfully rewarding too. I know that my CG is and always will be a CG but I trust him completely to protect his gamble-free life, I trust him to live in control of his addition and I love his company and I am happy.
I hope this helps
Velvet